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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want ILs taking DD all the way across town?

25 replies

AldrinJustice · 30/05/2016 17:23

DD is 9mo, yesterday I was asked out of the blue about 10mins before ILs were leaving if they could take DD on the train to visit their friend who lives on the other side of our city. DD was crying for milk and a nap so was visibly moany and upset and although I'm alright with ILs taking her out to the park or babysitting etc. I just wasn't comfortable with it this time round. It takes over an hour to get from one end of town to the other side and they have a tendency to come back late if they're with friends. DP says I should have let them take her and says I should get over these things but just the fact that she'll be out the door in 10mins to be over an hour away from me just made me uncomfortable

OP posts:

RaeSkywalker · 30/05/2016 17:26

If you aren't comfortable then it's ok to say no! Maybe they'll ask again by give you more notice, it sounds like it was the sudden request/ fact that your DD needed a nap that put you off?

Kitsa · 30/05/2016 19:35

YANBU! I wouldn't have let them!

MadamDeathstare · 30/05/2016 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ameliablue · 30/05/2016 19:41

It's natural to feel uneasy if not used to being away from baby but unless you have any real concerns about your old then I'd allow it.

Nannawifeofbaldr · 30/05/2016 19:42

She's not a doll. If she's tired and hungry of course that's a bad time for a trip across the city.

EponasWildDaughter · 30/05/2016 19:43

Of course YWNBU!

''DP says I should have let them take her and says I should get over these things''

What a weird thing to say it's not about you getting over any things. It was about your baby's welfare. Tired and hungry isn't a good time to be going anywhere.

Diamogs · 30/05/2016 19:43

YANBU if they want to take her anywhere then it has to fit in with her needs, not their desire to show her off.

PerpendicularVincent · 30/05/2016 19:44

YANBU. If you're not comfortable then that's your decision. I wouldn't be keen if I had a hungry, tired baby that would be out of routine.

RaspberryOverload · 30/05/2016 19:45

Well, I certainly wouldn't have let a child go in this situation. Wanting milk, needing a nap, she'd have been tired and hungry and the trip would have been a real nightmare for her.

Not letting her go was right this time. Your DP is wrong in saying you should get over these things. You're her mum, making decisions in her best interests.

Original poster

AldrinJustice · 31/05/2016 00:27

Yes, more because it was sudden and just thrown at me out of the blue. And yeah DP doesn't really "get it", he's kind of like "she'll be fine, they'll take care of her, stop worrying" which I know MIL will but I guess it's mother's instinct when you know what your DC needs to settle. ILs try it on with a few things so I have said no a couple of times, if I hadn't then floodgates are open and it's free reign for them!

OP posts:

enterYourPassword · 31/05/2016 03:45

Playing devils advocate, why do you get the final say and not her father? You think she needed to stay at home. He thinks she was fine to go. Why are you correct and he is wrong? You're equal parents, surely?

If she takes a bottle then a little unreasonable. My boys always loved a sleep on a journey and meeting people.

Original poster

AldrinJustice · 31/05/2016 09:48

He wasn't in the room when I was asked so pretty much just worked out that way. If he was then he would have given his input, but ILs just asked me because I was closer, I told him afterwards what happened. She's teething so gone off the bottle

OP posts:

CakeNinja · 31/05/2016 09:52

Yanbu when she was obviously tired and hungry, I'd have said "no she needs food and sleep, that's what's going to happen now, have a nice afternoon with your friends!" But any other time, I'd have been fine with this. I left dd1 with lots of people when she was much younger than 9m, aunts/grandparents/friends to do various things.
You sound like you're being a bit pfb about her going anywhere without you tbh?

Nannawifeofbaldr · 31/05/2016 10:04

Oh for goodness sake, it's not PFB to not want your tired hungry baby dragged half way across a city to be shown off to some randoms.

It's not even PFB to not want your baby dragged half way across the city to be shown off to some randoms even if they aren't tired and hungry.

I wouldn't have allowed that either at 9 month. My children are primary school age and occasionally if we leave them at their GPs for the afternoon they are taken off to GP's friends to be displayed at afternoon tea.

They are very well behaved and sit nicely, and speak politely. The adults involved are apparently under the impression that the children love going.

They don't. They hate it. They don't know these people and it's an ordeal of endurance for them.

enterYourPassword · 31/05/2016 10:43

"They don't. They hate it. They don't know these people and it's an ordeal of endurance for them."

And they'll be stronger for it. Sometimes life is about sucking it up and doing what's best for everyone. I bet their grandparents are glowing with pride at your two on their best behaviour. I remember my hilariously old fashioned grandfather when I was about 14.

"Come on 'enter'. I've bought you a rod and I'm going to take you fishing"

"I can't think of anything worse"

"You'll make an old man very happy and think of the inheritance"

I went. I hated it. It did make him happy. I'm happy he was happy now I look back at it. He showed me how to smoke a pipe that day as he was "for women's rights" Clearly this is off topic. Not suggesting it applies to the OP's 9 month- old*.

*far too young for a pipe

blueturtle6 · 31/05/2016 10:47

I always say if you trust someone enough to look after child then you should trust their judgement enough to allow them to take her wherever.

Pinkheart5915 · 31/05/2016 10:49

They didn't ask at the right time but as they babysit and take her to the park and you are ok with that they can clearly look after your DD so I wouldn't personally have a problem with them taking her on the trip if it was planned in advance so I knew to get changing bag ready etc.

My ds will be 9 months in a few days and mil will now and then call round and take him out with her for the day ( she's lonely since fil died I think) sometimes they go an hour or so away. DS is more than safe with mil and he comes back happy, added bonus I get some me time.

splendide · 31/05/2016 10:56

9 months too young for a pipe? Only if you're hideously pfb about these things.

Nannawifeofbaldr · 31/05/2016 11:09

EnterYour I agree completely, it's character building (which is what I tell them).

However the visit is entirely for the grandparents benefit, not the children's.

It's so that they can bask in praise for the wonderfully behaved, beautiful grandchildren.

coconutpie · 31/05/2016 11:09

YANBU. It just amazes me how some people seem to think that a human being who is tired, hungry and cranky should be hauled on a train journey an hour away just because someone wants to show them off to their friends. If an adult were in this situation, would you want to go meet randoms? No, you wouldn't. It is the same for a baby. Babies deserve the same respect as everybody else and they are not dolls to just be brought on an hour long journey for no good reason when they are tired, hungry etc. It would appear that only the OP was considering the baby's needs in this situation - her DH was not. I'd have been furious with DH for saying to get over it.

And as for ILs with suggesting this as you are just about to leave - so bloody inconsiderate. You don't just demand that you can take someone else's child off like that.

Nannawifeofbaldr · 31/05/2016 11:13

blueturtle do you?

Interesting. Personally I might trust one set of GPs to babysit the DC in my house, or take them to the park but I wouldn't trust them to take the children swimming or on holiday.

Also trust with my children has to be continually earned. One set of GPs no longer takes the DC out in their car after a traffic accident caused by their poor driving.

BlackVelvet1 · 31/05/2016 11:19

I think you were being totally reasonable but ILs wanted to ask just in case you'd say yes. I wouldn't hold it against them but of course baby's well being comes first.

mrswhiplington · 31/05/2016 11:42

What does PFB mean?

Nannawifeofbaldr · 31/05/2016 11:50

PFB = precious first born.

Usually applied to over protective, inexperienced parents.

RiverTam · 31/05/2016 12:08

If she's bf'd then fair enough but if she takes a bottle then I don't see the problem, she can have her bottle and nap in her pram, can't she? DD did loads of napping in her pram on trains at that age.

Also, I didn't read that the ILs demanded anything, they asked, the OP said not this time. Both question and response are perfectly reasonable. DH was reasonable too. Just different opinions on a situation.

Having been super-anxious and kept GPs a bit at arms length when DD was little, I would do things differently now and let them go for it.

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