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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to punch my husband in the face

83 replies

StarThorn · 30/05/2016 00:39

I am probably being an idiot but my dh and I went out tonight, we had 10mo ds, so I left at 7. Dh didn't call, text or bother getting in touch and just rocked up, pissed out of his head, telling me he does everything for me and I don't give a shit about him, and proceeded to say he wants a divorce. I know he is drunk but he said some really hurtful things. He climbed into bed with me, started groping my ass and when I told him I was having my period he said I can go fuck myself and he wants a divorce as I don't give a shit about him. He said I had no reason to be annoyed. Am I just being pissy for no reason, or is my dh a giant cockhead?!?!?

OP posts:

happyclapper · 02/06/2016 23:27

Ptumbi, as you saw, Icsaid explain to your children, not the world in general.
I think one would have a very strange relationship with ones children if they never asked why their parents divorced. Families aren't just about being warm, fed etc. Divorce is a normal part of family life but not something that is done without explanation. There does not need to be blame or guilt but I would imagine a child and later an adult would want to know why their parents divorced.
It is no one else's business apart from the children's as your husband is their father and do they not have a right to know why their family situation changed?

Baconyum · 03/06/2016 00:39

Then again my ex was like this drunk, then became like this sober too. Very similar words and phrases used. Go canny op.

SpunBodgeSquarepants · 03/06/2016 00:48

Sunnsoo bet you're great fun at parties, aren't you? The fucking life and soul

gingergenie · 03/06/2016 00:50

Giant Cockhead. I usually get asked what state my gums are in, although to be fair (as long as we haven't been arguing first) it's said in jest.

Original poster

StarThorn · 03/06/2016 09:18

As I said, he very rarely drinks and he has never been like this before. We've been together 5 years and known each other for 25 years. I am pretty sure that this is a one off, though I will be keeping a close eye on things from now on. He is being very nice now, and he is genuinely embarrassed by it all. I told him I was very close to leaving. We have spoken through everything now, he definitely isn't unhappy and doesn't want a divorce (he had a pretty good get out if he wanted to too). Just general, drunken, cockheadish behaviour, it just seemed to come out of the blieHe is a good father and most of the time a good dh too. Sunnsoo you'll be pleased to hear that I have still not actually punched him the good thing to come out of all of this is that we had a good chat and cleared the air. No divorce just yet.

OP posts:

TheDisreputableDog · 03/06/2016 18:20

Glad it's working out OP, hopefully just a stupid one off

Original poster

StarThorn · 04/06/2016 02:06

The plot thickens... Sunday night he said "you're pissed off with me because I spent the night with another woman" I didn't really think much of it, I thought it was just his drunken rambling, but today, whilst shopping he said " I think I should add X and X on Facebook... After all I got their numbers on Sunday!" To say I was shocked was an understatement. One of these women, I'm not bothered about (she's a bit odd) but the other is a fairly attractive woman who is going through a divorce. They are both friends of his sisters. I don't know why he felt the need to keep it a secret for almost a week and if I'm being honest why he needed their numbers. I asked him what he was planning to do with the numbers and he said "that's just what you do when you get on with someone". Is it normal for a married man to get other women's numbers because he gets on with them? Now I'm second guessing everything I've justified. It would explain the wanting a divorce, and thinking I'm an evil bitch. It would also explain why he's been extremely horny since Sunday. So is my DH planning something? I really want to trust him and I always have but he is making things extremely difficult, especially when he would be very upset with me if I stayed out drinking all night and then got the numbers of two blokes he doesn't really
know. Please tell me I'm just being paranoid. He's never given me reason to doubt his fidelity before, and I am really hoping I am blowing this all out of proportion. I am exhausted and emotional and perhaps I'm just being a muppet. Oh and if I don't reply it's because I've passed out from exhaustion!

OP posts:

waitingforsomething · 04/06/2016 02:20

No it's not normal. Nothing that you have described about your dh on this thread is normal behaviour in a relationship. I feel for you op and think you should look to exit asap if possible.

Janecc · 04/06/2016 02:32

It probably depends on who you are as a person and how outgoing you are. Dh would perhaps get a number but not just after he'd met someone unless there was a very specific reason. As friends of his sister, your dh can always get their number from her. For me, I would see getting numbers from people he barely knows is more drunken behaviour on his part as he is a married man, when inhibitions are reduced. I'm not saying it even then has to be sexual. I would perhaps be more ready to accept him getting numbers of friends of sisters he'd know for years and found something in common with them that night. Then added to Facebook?! - well I'm not an FB fan, too voyeuristic and can lead to narcissistic behaviour. I don't get the concept of "collecting" as many "friends" as possible. Maybe he's just collecting a few more like half the population or whatever it is.

The horny thing and the divorcee. Definitely would be sending alarm bells though. As would "I spent the night with another woman.". Sorry for me that means he fucked her. What did he actually mean by that?

Janecc · 04/06/2016 02:34

So all added up together, I can't say his behaviour of getting numbers and adding to FB sounds innocent at all.

Original poster

StarThorn · 04/06/2016 02:39

I'm fairly sure he didn't sleep with her, when I asked him about it he said he didn't know why he said it, he was at his sisters house with his family and her friends. He said he'd spent the night talking to them (though not at the same time from what I gather) so I assume it was his drunken bullshit, and I'm hoping it's not because he wants to. I also think it's odd that he dropped it into conversation so casually and unprompted, we weren't even talking about anything related. I am a little strung out lately, ds is unwell and I haven't had much sleep, I'm hoping it's just that.

OP posts:

Janecc · 04/06/2016 02:47

Was he seeking you approval to have female friends then? If it was that innocent then he shouldn't mind you saying you were a bit confused about the other night and what he said or asking him his motive for bringing it up. Use a calm moment after you are both rested. You seem really strung out. Does he have many female friends? And how long has he known these women?

Original poster

StarThorn · 04/06/2016 02:51

He doesn't really socialise and he met them both on Sunday. I have no problem with him having female friends, it is an ongoing joke that he flirts with everyone, that's just who he is (to the point if he was on the phone at work I could instantly tell if it was a male or female client). I just think this is odd. But maybe I'm just more upset by Sunday than I'd realised and my emotions are getting in the way of reason.

OP posts:

Oswin · 04/06/2016 02:53

You need to have it out with him.
I had an ex who one night came in from a night out being vile and abusive. I found out that he had cheated on me, not sex but nearly.
He was angry at me for him not being able to shag whoever he liked.

Janecc · 04/06/2016 03:00

I can tell if dh is talking to a woman as well. His voice goes softer and smoother and less piss takey - if it's work colleagues.

I'd want to be talking about this too. He'd just met these women. He was pissed. Adding them to FB would to many probably be more acceptable as many just add casual acquaintances. Taking phone numbers is far more personal.

Spermeetegg · 04/06/2016 03:19

I am beginning to think all men are knobs! I would be fuming to I think once dh is sober and you are at home (bit awkward at in-laws!) You should sit him down and have serious conversation!

Original poster

StarThorn · 04/06/2016 07:14

Spermeetegg He is now sober, the original post was from Sunday, we had a talk and it was all sorted, however now I've found out that he got a couple of girls phone numbers.
Janecc that's what I thought, fair enough Facebook, but getting a girls number is personal, and what would he be planning to do other than call or text her, which I'm fairly sure with a girl you've just met, friend of your sister or not, as a married man is a no-no.
He is still in bed this morning, though I'm dreading the conversation. I thought we'd sorted everything out.

OP posts:

Pearlman · 04/06/2016 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mum2Bomg · 04/06/2016 08:28

If he does it again then sneakily film him on your phone. I did this to an ex and the cringeworthy embarrassment was enough to make sure he never did it again.

donajimena · 04/06/2016 08:37

Oh dear. Can you ask him to leave whilst you decide.?
My partner and I have a 'rule' existing female (him) male (me) friends are ok.
New opposite sex friendships - not ok. At all.

mum2Bomg · 04/06/2016 09:28

You cannot tell an adult they aren't allowed new friends of the opposite sex...ridiculous and controlling.

Original poster

StarThorn · 04/06/2016 09:35

I have no issue with him having female friends, most of his friends are female. I am concerned because this all stems from the night he said he wanted a divorce and I was ruining his life. I am concerned because rather than add them on facebook, he went straight to swapping numbers. I am so far from controlling, he can do pretty much what he likes, but I want to know if I have cause for concern or if this is a normal thing that I just don't know about.

OP posts:

Pearlman · 04/06/2016 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janecc · 04/06/2016 09:46

These women may be exceptionally lovely or predatorial bitches. We simply don't know. Ops DH was out of his face and subsequent to meeting them and on returning for the night, he turned into a vile pig screaming divorce then groped op for sex.

Regardless of rules or lack thereof in relationships for opposite sex friendships, it is one thing to befriend someone (in a boundaried way) based on shared hobbies and interests, perhaps from and evening class, it is quite another on the back of a booze fueled night.

I wouldn't want them to befriend him under these circumstances. And I would be giving this reason above.

MrsBobDylan · 04/06/2016 09:53

Doesn't sound right at all op.Just a guess but I would think he had a night flirting with these women, came home angry he couldn't take it any further and now wants to keep that little bit of 'excitement' by adding the numbers to his fb.It's the way he brought it up when it wasn't even in context-he can't help but mention it. I think in MN it's called mentionitous and is ustilised by unfaithful partners.sorry op, it's awful for you. He sounds a right horror.

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