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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to punch my husband in the face

83 replies

StarThorn · 30/05/2016 00:39

I am probably being an idiot but my dh and I went out tonight, we had 10mo ds, so I left at 7. Dh didn't call, text or bother getting in touch and just rocked up, pissed out of his head, telling me he does everything for me and I don't give a shit about him, and proceeded to say he wants a divorce. I know he is drunk but he said some really hurtful things. He climbed into bed with me, started groping my ass and when I told him I was having my period he said I can go fuck myself and he wants a divorce as I don't give a shit about him. He said I had no reason to be annoyed. Am I just being pissy for no reason, or is my dh a giant cockhead?!?!?

OP posts:

FishWithABicycle · 30/05/2016 04:32

What an utter knob. Maybe you can't leave right now but you can be gone, with your ds, before he wakes up from his alcoholic stupour.
Go home, change the locks and let him know you would prefer communication to be via a solicitor for the time being until terms are agreed.

newroundhere · 30/05/2016 04:40

Is this completely out of character OP? Or is it more a pattern of behaviour? Obviously it's completely unacceptable and YANBU but what you want to do about it in the morning / longer term may depend on this.

And yes, he's a giant knob. Sorry you're having to deal with this.

Baconyum · 30/05/2016 05:04

Remember

In vino veritas

LindyHemming · 30/05/2016 05:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janecc · 30/05/2016 06:12

I would pack a bag and get a taxi all the way home. Sod getting the train. That means you have to ask someone for a lift and discussions and explanations to his family will ensue and your drunk H is in no fit state to drive before lunchtime or maybe later. A taxi will cost a fortune so it may not be an option for you. But it will give you the power back and lead him to have to deal with the behaviour and the situation. This is coming from someone, who has been in such situations and looking back with the strength I have now would have taken a taxi - DH and I are still together btw.

Toomanymarsbars · 30/05/2016 07:09

People tend to speak their true thoughts when drunk/angry. Your husband is horrible :(

Oysterbabe · 30/05/2016 07:18

Let us know if he's on his knees apologising this morning OP.

Original poster

StarThorn · 30/05/2016 08:57

This is completely out of character, though he does occasionally have "tantrums" he is never nasty and never calls me names, but as everyone has said, there must be some truth to it.
He has not said anything about last night and is now acting as if nothing happened. Unfortunately he does not appear to be suffering a hangover yet. Sadly a taxi or train are not an option as I managed to leave my purse at home but my parents live not too far away so I will be heading there shortly with ds. I had it in my head last night that I would confront him and call him on his shit, though after a complete lack of sleep, I really don't have the energy so I will be saving that until I do. I have a lot of thinking to do. Thank you everyone, and I'll let you know what he says later.

OP posts:

DeathStare · 30/05/2016 09:06

I don't know what I'd do in your situation, but I just wanted to say that please don't assume that the truth comes out when people are drunk. For some people it may but not for others.

When I'm drunk I spout complete and utter bollocks with no truth in it at all - never nasty bollocks but bollocks all the same. My DP does the same - once when drunk he told me that he thought me and his friend would make a great couple and tried to persuade me to sleep with the friend!

Also if he has said nothing this morning he may not remember. I always remember every word and cringe with shame. My DP never remembers a thing he's said when drunk and has to be told before he cringes with shame.

That's not excusing anything btw. Just wanted to offer a different perspective on whether there was any truth in it.

RonaldMcDonald · 30/05/2016 09:13

He sounds like an abusive asshole.

Please don't play this away as a tantrum. Unless you deal with this thoroughly it will repeat again and again and escalate.

If he can't drink without being an abuser then he mustn't drink.

happyclapper · 30/05/2016 09:48

When people are very quick to recommend LTB I think a good indication of whether this is good advice is to imagine the conversation you will have with your children now and in 20 yrs time when you explain to them why you decided to divorce.
If as you say this behaviour us out of character I think a cooling off period will put things in perspective.
I was in a very similar situation a few months ago and while behaviour like this is completely vile and unacceptable I don't think it warrants splitting a family up.
The first year of being a new patent is a massive culture shock and men( even the ones besotted with their babies) can feel pushed out. Rather pathetic but very common.
Alcohol can bring out many deep seated feelings but not necessarily ones that we would wish to be judged on.
He must be made to understand that his behaviour was unacceptable and you will not put up with it.
Try and talk about yup it relationship and avoid resentments building up.
Hope you get over this episode and sort things out.

MindfulBear · 30/05/2016 10:07

If it's totally out of character I would raise it asap and clear the air.
Drink does not bring the truth out necessarily. I spout bollox when drunk & don't always remember!

Bring it up. He will likely be totally mortified and on his knees apologising in seconds. Then at least you can put it behind you and move on, whilst explaining how disturbing you found it & agreeing it is not acceptable.

QOD · 30/05/2016 10:11

what an asshole

Original poster

StarThorn · 30/05/2016 10:46

So I asked him if he remembers last night, he said not really, I asked him if he remembers what he said to me he said no, he remembers what I said he said?! He also said he remembers that I was annoyed at him for no reason. No apology and somewhat of a stalemate.

OP posts:

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 30/05/2016 10:54

If I had a partner who turned nasty when they got drunk, they'd only do it the once. It'd be a yellow card. If it happened again, they'd be an ex-partner.

Sorry, but if you're unpleasant when you're drunk, then you don't get drunk. End of.

RonaldMcDonald · 30/05/2016 11:04

It is only a stalemate if you want it to be. It is a totally shit way to go about things by pretending to have forgotten your piss poor behaviour but oddly remember the other person's reaction and act poorly again to prevent a discussion or shoulder blame and make amends.

You could draw his attention to his behaviour. State everything about it that you don't like. Let him know how his behaviour impacted upon you and how you felt. You can take control of this.

You do not have to be made feel that this is somehow partly your doing or that nothing can be solved because he can't face up to his abusive actions.
Abusive whilst drunk is still abusive.

You owe him an opportunity to know what he did and how his behaviour made you feel. An opportunity to apologise, learn and grow. Not an excuse.

AyeAmarok · 30/05/2016 11:09

Go to your parents.

Ignore him and let him stew.

Sighing · 30/05/2016 11:09

He's vile and wants a divorce. You're furious at him. Because he thinks what, he does everything? That he's entitled to your body.
YANBU just don't give in to the urge to hit him. Leave. Divorce and get shot of the slug.

Ememem84 · 30/05/2016 11:10

I'd be out of there sharpish. Go to your parents.

StrangeLookingParasite · 30/05/2016 16:27

Yabu for suggesting violence.

YABU for being unnecessarily po-faced about an obvious figure of speech.

Original poster

StarThorn · 30/05/2016 17:04

I have spoken to him properly and told him exactly what he said, he was mortified and very apologetic, he has no memory of it. He has some making up to do yet but we are on the right track at least.

OP posts:

itslookingbright · 30/05/2016 21:51

I'm glad you're getting it sorted but if this is how he behaved when he's drunk then maybe it's time to give up drinking? Or at least just stick to beer if it's spirits etc making him crazy... What happened should not happen again. I don't drink so I don't know what the attraction to it is but surely it's not fun anymore if it makes someone behave like that? Good luck to you both x

Original poster

StarThorn · 30/05/2016 22:29

Thank you itslookingbright I think part of the problem is that he very rarely drinks, and last night I have since discovered that he drank an obscene amount egged on by his friends/family. I am guessing by the shame and remorse he is feeling that he won't be doing that again. If he ever does anything like this again, I will have no second thoughts about leaving. He knows without a doubt that I will not tolerate that behaviour from him again. I will also be milking the guilt too!

OP posts:

MindfulBear · 01/06/2016 13:28

Aha. That is good news. Pleased for you. Time to move on.

My DH once gave up drink for 3 months after a similar incident. He was so mortified at what he had done and so freaked out that he didn't remember that he decided drink and him were not mixing well at that time. That was 7 years ago!

ptumbi · 01/06/2016 13:42

Happyclapper - imagine the conversation you will have with your children now and in 20 yrs time when you explain to them why you decided to divorce. I cannot imagine a conversation with my dc in which I have to explain myself, or why I divorced, why my marriage ended, what I did to prevent this, or otherwise.

I quite often read on here how (mostly the DWs) have/need to justify and explain themselves, they are petrified as to what other people will say; the judgement of others who might think she has not done everything she could to keep a crumbling marriage together (for the kids), that it will be her fault; and I despair. It is NO ONE ELSE'S BUSINESS!

My marriage and divorce is nothing to do with anyone else - I made sure the dc were looked after, healthy, fed, clothed and warm. No fault should be attached, and if it is, then who cares? Who cares what others think? Let them. We cannot be pilloried or burnt at teh stake any more!

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