DH has hidden some heavy stuff...AIBU to want to separate?

[mummymalta]

3 weeks ago DH revealed some very personal things which I feel I should have known before we got married. To be honest, we are all entitled to secrets and personal experiences I suppose, but where do you draw the line?

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. He's my best friend, I feel like I knew and loved him so much. Affirming these things is very strange to me. We were solid.

A "friend" of DH from the country he used to live in came to a party of a mutual friend of ours. Lets call him Bob. I don't know Bob, DH has only mentioned him briefly and my friend knows him but not well. He came with my friends brother who he is sort of close to. DH didn't want to come to the party (long day) and didn't know Bob would be there. I kissed the kids and ran out the house desperate for freedom on a friday night went to the party.

Get to the party and was enjoying child free time when my friends brother came over to say hi with Bob. "Bob you haven't met DH's wife have you? it's been about 12 years right? "
Bob: "Holy shit - you know I barely remember those days"
He then made a slick comment about him and DH being on coke half the time. I really cant remember what he said verbatim but I sort of nervously laughed (was shocked and he was drunk) and excused myself.

Naturally went home and curiously prodded DH the next morning in bed who waffled about trying it a couple of times and said Bob was a royal prick with a big bouth. I was uneasy that he didn't tell me but nothing divorce worthy. I ask why he didn't tell me and prodded as you do (smelled a rat, wife spidey sense) and then he told me:

He had a coke habit when he went to live abroad in his early twenties right before I met him. He said it was just a bit of fun and just when it started getting a bit out of control he met a girl who he really loved. They had a real relationship and spent a year getting high. Only god knows how he kept his job, but of course drug addiction doesn't necessarily have a face. Anyway she had previously had a heroin addiction and they started doing heavier stuff. He freaked out and ended it. She stopped picking up her mobile and he went to check on her she's dead in flat. Huge drama with her family/ police / drug debt I wont get into it but its fucking insane. He comes home tells no one traumatised. We meet about a year and a half later.

I didnt sense one thing - he spoke of his couple of years abroad quite normally but rarely looking back. I thought nothing of it why would I?

I'm still in shock, not just from the incident, but of the fact that he didn't tell me. I was so shocked that I just said he needs to give me time to digest it. We haven't spoken about it since because I've just shut down. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel nothing. It's like he's a stranger now. We had a very happy and passionate marriage. Such a great banter affection. Even the kids sense something is off. He keeps trying to talk about it but i don't even hear a word he's saying. I just keep on thinking who are you?

AIBU to want to separate for a bit? I have had no time to digest this?! He said lets send the kids to their nans for half term and deal with this so off they go tomorrow.

limitedperiodonly As i mentioned in the OP he played it down then after I prodded he told some bits. I prodded a but more then other bits came out.Hardly a double life that shit is in past.

I told DH I like I don't know him anymore and I feel lied to. I also feel he is hiding stuff and don't like his nonchalance.

DH kindly but firmly told me he understands me being upset but he's not going there and said the only reason he told me is because he didn't want to lie to my face. He said he's told me enough and yes of course he didn't tell everything but the notion of that we need to know every last detail of each others lives before meeting is romanticised rubbish. He said everything else is a drugged up blur but he did beat her once & never ever raped her - she was angry that he didn't have money for more crack. He was clean and on the straight and narrow when he met me and he didn't want to share new york. He swears he hasn't touched alcohol and drugs since (sip of champ at wedding) and I believe him. He said he isn't nonchalant he has just moved on and doesn't want to torture himself by bringing up every detail. He said he's told me the nastiest bits and that should be enough.

Then he made quite a decent point: "you wouldn't ask an ex prostitute to tell you about all of her previous clients so why do you need all this detail about an ex drug addicts fuck ups"

I said I didn't need every detail but he could have said "I don't like talking about it but I had a drug problem in NY and a GF of mine died. Some crazy accusations like I raped her/ killed her came my way but I was never charged and I'm just glad I'm clean and it's over" before we met. Just something

He said it's easy for me to say he "just" could have done xyz but he's asking me to "just leave it" and I can't which is why he didn't tell me.

I conceded and we made up a little. I really love him just feel shell shocked. He says he understands the shock and he'll support me digesting it but he doesn't want to relive it .

Is that fair enough. I sort of think it is.

Literally nobody is sending the cheque.

** before we got married not before we met

OP it wouldn't be good enough for me and the prostitute comparison is ridiculous, a prostitute is not setting out to harm clients

He has admitted to beating up a girlfriend

What about all the other stuff that was implied earlier?

*Your husband keeping this from you is a reflection of his love and his desire for you to think the best of him.

My advice? Kiss him, tell him that you're glad he shared and move on*

Barbara Cartland would be so proud. Have you read exactly what it is the husband shared, as a matter of interest?

Mummy there would be literally no point in jailing people if they aren't given a second chance at getting back on the straight and narrow after being released from prison.

i think you really do have to try and put this back in the past and not let it cause mass destruction in your life.

It's what's enough for you that matters, m'dear.

Fwiw my bug bear would be that he didn't give an inkling beforehand - my Dh doesn't know every bad thing I've ever done, but he does know I had issues with substance abuse and got myself in all sorts of bad situations. Whilst I have no wish to relive those days, they are a fundamental part of who I am today and keeping it a secret would feel dishonest to me. There is a middle ground.

But he was ultimately honest with you when he needed to be and that counts for something - he could have easily dismissed it as 'just doing a bit of coke'.

It sounds like he's really turned his life around though.

Give yourself whatever time and space you need to process this.

I'm not sure what I'd do having Read the whole thread...

he made quite a decent point: "you wouldn't ask an ex prostitute to tell you about all of her previous clients so why do you need all this detail about an ex drug addicts fuck ups"

a) cause typical prostitutes don't do the crimes he did
b) yes you would probably ask them to describe details of their past if you just found out you are married to one
So not a decent point is it?

So you made up your mind so what are you doing writing here?

ZsaZsa1954

But it is a double life OP. He has hidden something fundamental from you. Maybe you love him too much to see that.

I'm very impressed by your prodding. You must be a very skilled interviewer - dogged yet sensitive. Do you do it for a living or does it come naturally? Don't feel obliged to say if it will out you.

If it's good enough for you, it's good enough. He sounds like a loving husband and principled man now. So if you can live with his past and move forward, that is what you need to do.

Hi there.
Did your Dh ever explain why he was tee total?
Do you now know what treatment programme he followed to get clean?
Has he been back to the states since?
This must be very hard for you.

AnotherTimeMaybe He meant it in the context of being mixed up in all types of crap. I got it. He went through hell and even though I feel I deserve answers he doesn't want to relieve it. He was asking me for empathy.

Hmm. Your choice OP.

But the prostitution analogy doesn't hold up. If I knew my partner had been a prostitute I might not have asked for the sordid details about every customer but I sure as hell would have wanted to know why, when and how it started and ended. I would have needed that info to trust that it was in the past and to understand the person they were.

If OTOH I discovered my partner had been a prositute and they had neglected to tell me I would feel an enormous lack of trust. It makes them a different person from the one they are presenting.

This is a huge and extremely disturbing part of your dp's life. By not telling you he has hidden a large part of himself from you. And by now refusing to discuss it, he is showing that he doesn't want you to know him properly.

How can you trust someone who wont let you know who they really are?

limitedperiodonly Just a nosey wife tbh. His friend already outed him by accident and he didn't want to lie to my face. I never once have behaved manic and have only asked him questions calmly. Then I come on Mumsnet and speculate whether he is a raping murdering psychopath. That's the way it should be done.

Haffdonga I sounded like you when I started the thread but everyones support and tough love has really helped. It's in the past and adults have the right to a past - My main question was AIBU to think the secret was too big / is a little time apart dramatic.

Yes, I think the secret was too big to not tell and I wish he told me but most importantly I know he didn't rape her nor did he kill her and those were the main things that rocked me. But this evening he again reminded me that yes those things are horrid to hear but I'm forgetting the most important bit: "He didn't do it"
I never believed he did but him just saying it out loud sort of calmed me down a bit. This thread was borderline crazy at some points.

Who else is wondering if the GF is really dead?
Hmm....How did she really die?
OP.....The girlfriend....It's too convenient that she is dead don't you think?

It's not a 'double life' if events were not running parallel together. He has a shady past that's in the open and is currently being worked on. I don't believe any of us should berate the OP for her stance, its her life, her marriage, on the line.

I believe in second chances if deserved. Seems like you're happier than earlier OP, don't sacrifice your happiness for nobodies judgement but your own.

It's only comparable with the prostitution analogy if he'd been up front with you from the beginning.

If, in the beginning of the relationship he revealed that he'd had drug addiction issues then you might have accepted that he was an addict and chosen not to question further. In the same way that if you got together with someone who was known to be a prostitute you wouldn't necessarily ask all the details about the clients, who what and where and so on.

If I found out my partner was a prostitute ten years into the relationship then I would want to know more details, including, ironically enough, whether prostitution was in order to feed an addiction...

I can sort of understand his not wanting to talk about it now on the basis that it's self preservation on his part. But the fact is that while that may be understandable, it's not ok. You have children together, his past may well affect how he parents those children in the future or how he relates to them. There is a chance they themselves may come into contact with drugs growing up, and he will have something to say about that then surely.

Being teetotal in itself is not an issue, I'm more or less teetotal and I don't feel that warrants explanation. But given the circumstances and given his propensity for violence when he is under the influence, I would be questioning whether he is teetotal because he doesn't actually trust himself not to become violent again.

Only you can decide whether you can stay with this man. But ask yourself this. If your daughter came to you twenty years from now and told you her partner of ten years was a drug addict who beat up his girlfriend in the height of addiction, used prostitutes, pimped out women, and all to feed a Coke habit she never knew about, what would you tell her?

Not a double life. But defiantly a secret past. I'm just not very good at expressing myself.

You need to relax and think. 10 years. You know who he is. Let his past be his past,

Also, you don't have to decide anything straight away. You have had a shock and need time to mull things over and come to terms with it all. Whether or not you want to stay married to him, there is no rush either way.

AnotherTimeMaybe He meant it in the context of being mixed up in all types of crap. I got it. He went through hell and even though I feel I deserve answers he doesn't want to relieve it. He was asking me for empathy.
But this answer still doesn't explain the prostitution analogy ! Do you actually believe comparing taking advantage (and pimping? Did he actually do that?) of a woman so that he gets his crack with prostitution which is actually legal in some countries, and most times done out necessity to avoid sleeping in the streets?
You want to accept this BS? It's your choice!
Do you wonder though what else he's hiding? Another child maybe? Another crime? An affair? If you can close this chapter and put it truly behind you well done! I have a feeling though you never will be ok, and God knows what the future holds

To answer your question - no, taking some time apart is definitely not an overreaction to this.

Leaving aside the rape accusations (because you believe him on that one), it is still way too much information to keep from your life partner that
a) you had a drug addiction to Class A drugs (including crack ffs)
b) you are tea total as a result of addiction problems
c) a significant girlfriend died andyou discovered her body
d) you have been involved in serious violence and crime

Forget the lurid speculation about what he did or didn't do that he hasn't told you - any one of those facts alone that he has told you is a major and important piece of information about him tat might change your idea of who he is and your opinion of him.

By refusing to discuss any of this with you he is just simply being a shit to you by continuing to create a fantasy picture of himself. He should be prepared to answer any question you feel you need to ask in order to reassure you and reassure you again that he is finally and literally 'coming clean'.

I do wonder if he had ever opened up to people (especially potential GFs) in the past and it didn't go so well for him.

Okay rapey/domestic abuse beginnings are very hard for a woman to overlook, but what if he actually is telling the truth; he didn't rape her, and he beat her once but in a drug fuelled stupor (not excusable but it's how it happened). There has been 10years of relative peaceful existance. If we don't allow ourselves to believe a man like this couldn't ever repent and live peacefully then what point is there of calling ourselves civil?