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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH has hidden some heavy stuff...AIBU to want to separate?

829 replies

mummymalta · 29/05/2016 22:53

3 weeks ago DH revealed some very personal things which I feel I should have known before we got married. To be honest, we are all entitled to secrets and personal experiences I suppose, but where do you draw the line?

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. He's my best friend, I feel like I knew and loved him so much. Affirming these things is very strange to me. We were solid.

A "friend" of DH from the country he used to live in came to a party of a mutual friend of ours. Lets call him Bob. I don't know Bob, DH has only mentioned him briefly and my friend knows him but not well. He came with my friends brother who he is sort of close to. DH didn't want to come to the party (long day) and didn't know Bob would be there. I kissed the kids and ran out the house desperate for freedom on a friday night went to the party.

Get to the party and was enjoying child free time when my friends brother came over to say hi with Bob. "Bob you haven't met DH's wife have you? it's been about 12 years right? "
Bob: "Holy shit - you know I barely remember those days"
He then made a slick comment about him and DH being on coke half the time. I really cant remember what he said verbatim but I sort of nervously laughed (was shocked and he was drunk) and excused myself.

Naturally went home and curiously prodded DH the next morning in bed who waffled about trying it a couple of times and said Bob was a royal prick with a big bouth. I was uneasy that he didn't tell me but nothing divorce worthy. I ask why he didn't tell me and prodded as you do (smelled a rat, wife spidey sense) and then he told me:

He had a coke habit when he went to live abroad in his early twenties right before I met him. He said it was just a bit of fun and just when it started getting a bit out of control he met a girl who he really loved. They had a real relationship and spent a year getting high. Only god knows how he kept his job, but of course drug addiction doesn't necessarily have a face. Anyway she had previously had a heroin addiction and they started doing heavier stuff. He freaked out and ended it. She stopped picking up her mobile and he went to check on her she's dead in flat. Huge drama with her family/ police / drug debt I wont get into it but its fucking insane. He comes home tells no one traumatised. We meet about a year and a half later.

I didnt sense one thing - he spoke of his couple of years abroad quite normally but rarely looking back. I thought nothing of it why would I?

I'm still in shock, not just from the incident, but of the fact that he didn't tell me. I was so shocked that I just said he needs to give me time to digest it. We haven't spoken about it since because I've just shut down. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel nothing. It's like he's a stranger now. We had a very happy and passionate marriage. Such a great banter affection. Even the kids sense something is off. He keeps trying to talk about it but i don't even hear a word he's saying. I just keep on thinking who are you?

AIBU to want to separate for a bit? I have had no time to digest this?! He said lets send the kids to their nans for half term and deal with this so off they go tomorrow.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 30/05/2016 15:35

You're sounding quite assertive there OP. Why don't you utilise that and go and have a chat with your non communicative husband?

kerbys · 30/05/2016 15:45

Have you name changed for this OP?

snapcrap · 30/05/2016 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

blinkowl · 30/05/2016 16:13

snapcrap and nicki if you suspect trolling tell MMHQ, don't hang around and make aren't-I-so-clever snide remarks.

If your suspicions are wrong, you are bullying someone in distress. Are you comfortable with that possibility or arrogant enough to think your trolldar is infallible?

PurpleRainDiamondsandPearls · 30/05/2016 16:29

By posting "troll", you're just ramping up the drama and giving more attention to a potential troll (because we don't know for sure). If you report, it just goes away.

Buzzardbird · 30/05/2016 16:36

Go and talk OP.

SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys · 30/05/2016 17:08

I'm fairly new...ish to MN in terms of actually posting stuff; but I'm pretty shocked by posters accusing OP of being a troll etc. I'm the biggest cynic but I feel the situation is more than realistic. Having worked in the substance misuse/recovery field - although not in recovery myself, I'm not at all surprised or shocked at the depths people sink to when they are in the midst of addiction. Using addicts can be absolutely vile and can lack the most basic compassion, boundaries, honesty, trust, etc. I have met and worked with people who have admitted to the most horrendous behaviour and crimes but have turned their lives around to become law abiding, successful, functioning, happily married, good fathers/mothers etc, people. Clean from using, addicts in recovery are very, very different people who make very different choices and have healthy boundaries.

mummymalta to give you a bit more perspective you may actually find attending an Al-Anon meeting helpful even though your DH no longer uses.

snapcrap · 30/05/2016 18:43

Somedays

The point has been made several times that of course the situation and content is perfectly believable - people do get addicted to drugs, hide secrets from their past, commit violent acts, commit criminal acts. I think we'd be pretty stupid to think otherwise, living in the real world and all. You don't have to be have worked with people who abuse substances to know this. It's OP's responses, the tone, the speed and development of the thread that has made many of us report OP...I won't say it again, I'll bow out as people can believe what they want, but you are missing the point completely.

Fraggled · 30/05/2016 18:43

Hope you're ok OP.

laidbackneko · 30/05/2016 18:51

It's so pointless to call troll on a thread. If you don't believe the OP then that's your call, report to MNHQ and then leave it.

Mummymalta if you're still there, please don't let unhelpful comments put you off from continuing to reach out for support here Flowers

laidbackneko · 30/05/2016 18:56

to re-ask a question I posted earlier (before the thread was awash with the hunting pack) when you first met your DH, how did he describe his time in NY? And did you meet any friends of his at the time? In hindsight, were there any clues that you might have missed at the time?

notonyurjellybellynelly · 30/05/2016 19:04

Mummymalta I wouldn't read anything sinister into your husband not saying much. I doubt there's much more left to say and I think he knows there is a good chance this could be the end of you and him so he is working on the lines of less said soonest mended.

laidbackneko · 30/05/2016 19:15

I doubt there's much more left to say and I think he knows there is a good chance this could be the end of you and him so he is working on the lines of less said soonest mended.

This. BUT whether DH likes it or not, pandora's box has been opened by bob. And it's DH's responsibility to be willing to talk and reassure that he is still the man OP knows and married. Otherwise this 'taboo' subject between them will eventually be more damaging to their relationship than the history itself.

maggiethemagpie · 30/05/2016 19:20

I think YABU. I have skeletons in my closet from 20 years ago that I still haven't told my husband. Fair enough if something happens whilst you're together and its kept from you, but not if it happened before.

Everyone has skeletons in their closet (well most people) and I think you're entitled to keep the closet shut until you're ready to open it, even if you're married.

I do think you are over reacting, yes.

MrsPMT · 30/05/2016 19:26

maggie you need to read the thread, or even just OP's updates.

OP hope you have got some reassurance/advice from supportive posts.

And tbh I bet you wish you were trolling and not going through this.

One of my good friends lives would read like a very dramatic Eastenders plot but its all shockingly real, unfortunately Sad

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2016 19:31

It's so strange. OP's husband spent 10 years hiding a desperate drug addiction, violence, investigation for a serious crime of violence and the death of a former partner from his wife and children, Meanwhile he'd cultivated a veneer of such loving respectability that she says she thought the sun shone out of his bottom.

If I was leading a double life, it would take a bit more than my partner's tingling spidey senses on briefly meeting a former acquaintance for me to give them the full cough.

I wonder what made your husband crack, OP?

Pipbin · 30/05/2016 19:35

Perhaps the stress of living a lie for so long. Especially as all his family knew also.

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2016 19:37

The relief of confession. It's a familiar story.

laidbackneko · 30/05/2016 19:44

I don't find it that strange limited TBH. Years ago, I was in a relationship with a very bad un. Drugs, crime, DV towards me, the lot. Though I wasn't directly involved with any bad stuff my ex was part of, to this day I'm ashamed to talk about it. To have known what he was up to and said nothing. It took my DP considerable time to pull it all out of me. And even then I've held back on some details I can't even bear to recall all these years later. So I can totally understand wanting to keep some bits of the past lock stock and barrel

laidbackneko · 30/05/2016 19:51

Sorry limited realised I misread your post Blush

laidbackneko · 30/05/2016 19:52

Maybe it was the fear of OP finding out from someone else that tipped him over the edge

UterusUterusGhali · 30/05/2016 20:20

Ok, look, OP, I have a pretty shady past. It involves drugs and there is a dead ex too. It was a mess. It's like a different life now. I can talk about it like it was a soap opera, as a) it's fuzzy from drugs. b) it was a long time ago. c) it's so far removed from my life now.

You'd never know it now of me. It's probably made me a better person tbh.

I don't think I'd necessarily tell a new partner. I'm not sure I told my last boyfriend. I worry about how they view me and it doesn't seem relevant any more.

however I never hurt anyone. Stuff went on, and the life he was describing sounds very much like mine was, but I didn't hurt or rob or lie to people.

signalred · 30/05/2016 20:29

Separate! Really? Tbh this isn't your drama to digest and you should stop thinking about yourself. I would feel abit offended if my husband had kept this from me for all this time but I wouldn't leave him for it, as a poster said up thread I would attempt to council and support him. Your the first person he's opened up to

Rowanhart · 30/05/2016 20:29

TBH I do think you're being unreasonable.

My husband has a past. I have a past.

There are things I would never tell him because I'm ashamed of them.

My relationship with him was shiney, clean and new and I didn't want him to know about some things in my past. I still don't.

Every now and again he says something like 'I wonder if I will ever get to the bottom of all your secrets'. I don't think so. And I don't think he minds. After 10 years he says that it's incredible that I still have ability to surprise him. That's nice. I think.

To risk a solid and happy marriage on the basis your husband didn't want to taint your relationship with details of his worst, most shameful moments, is awful.

Your husband keeping this from you is a reflection of his love and his desire for you to think the best of him.

My advice? Kiss him, tell him that you're glad he shared and move on.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/05/2016 20:31

Massive overreaction it's in his past and he doesn't do it now. It'd be different if he was addicted now.