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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dss hit my dd!

112 replies

TerriHatchet · 28/05/2016 14:49

Vv shocked and upset. Dss 7 was playing in the living room with dd 11 months sleeping on her play mat, dss suddenly walked over and slapped her hard on the arm, for no reason. She started crying and he did it again. He didn't know I was in the room standing at the door. I lost it and shouted at him and told Dh I wanted him to take him out for a few hours before I said something bad to him. Really don't wasnt dss in the house tonight.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 28/05/2016 15:13

I think that's ideal TerriHatchet.

leelu66 · 28/05/2016 15:14

YANBU to be upset, but try and think how you would have dealt with it if DSS was your own DS.

He needs to be told off/put in naughty step/lose favourite toy or whatever usually happens when he dies something wrong but he dies not deserve to be put out of his own home. And it is home. You taking yourself out of a stressful situation is not the same as you are the adult. Overreacting to the bad behaviour will just make him resentful of DD.

Arfarfanarf · 28/05/2016 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 28/05/2016 15:16

I think he's jealous of the baby and far from making a big thing out of whats happened I'd have a talk with him and explain it wasn't a nice thing to do whilst making sure I tried to help him with his feelings.

facebookrecruit · 28/05/2016 15:17

I cannot believe how many people are trying to say this child is 'only 7'!!
My DD is seven and if she hit a baby, any baby I would be absolutely furious and disgusted with her! If it was the OPs own son she could discipline how she sees fit but seeing as he is a step child what is she supposed to do? If she went bat shit at him she'd be wrong and probably get a load from his mum, sometimes step parents can never win. I'm a step parent and if either my biological or step children hit a baby at 7 years old they would be disciplined exactly the same. This is scary behaviour and like a PP said if he's being sneaky hitting a baby when he thinks nobody is looking this behaviour is cause for concern!

WhatALoadOfWankers · 28/05/2016 15:17

Bloody hell grip !
I'd go with apology then talk route too

Griphook · 28/05/2016 15:20

That's a shit thing to say grip. On what are you basing your judgment? because he's a seven year old child who has had to go out for the afternoon because his step parent felt so much rage (op's words not mine) I thinks it a complete over reaction, and not something that would happens if he wasn't a step child.

Pagwatch · 28/05/2016 15:21

Happy

Can I just apologise. My last comment was flippant but sounded really rude rather than the jokey tone I had in my head .

I do disagree with you but had no intention of sounding so rude.

MarianneSolong · 28/05/2016 15:22

I suppose it's the 'for no reason' bit that's interesting. Because there would be a reason. Siblings fight and are angry and are jealous of one another. It's not just a step-sibling thing. Yes obviously an 11 month old hasn't 'done' anything. But simply by her existing, something has been 'done' to the 7 year old.

Yes, hitting somebody so much smaller is not acceptable and that has to be made very clear. But if you can get at the reason behind the behaviour - and try to change what's going on - then there's a much better chance that the relationship between the two of them can be made better.

3rdrockfromthesun · 28/05/2016 15:22

When you talk to him please do not say that he is older and should know better. I used to get that all of the time and I hated. If you are going to talk about it with him talk about how we do not hit people.

LaBelleOtero · 28/05/2016 15:27

If this is how he acts when he's alone, he's probably jealous. I can remember feeling jealous of a new baby sibling at 6, and was bright enough to know I was supposed to hide it. It is natural, he now has to share resources and attention when it was his 100% before.

I agree that you draw a line under it when he comes home. You don't want him to associate her with punishment and resentment. If you don't want to leave them alone for a while, don't make it obvious.

RosieSW · 28/05/2016 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingergenie · 28/05/2016 15:29

7 is plenty old enough to know that you don't hit a baby. I agree that is probably jealousy/insecurity based. He needs to understand it's not ok, but that he is loved, and to try to deconstruct his actions to find the root cause, then work on those issues. Try to see if his teachers have noticed any changed in him since dd was born? They can also help with behaviour issues if you consider this more than a one-off problem, or if you are worried for the safety of your dd. But he does not need to feel unwanted, which may be the problem?

MissDuke · 28/05/2016 15:30

I personally think 7 is old enough to know to not hit babies, my 7 year old would never do anything like this - neither would my 4 year old. My 11 year old might have at that age but she has ASD. I would have been very cross too op, even if the baby wasn't my own I still would have severely reprimanded my 7 year old for that. Hopefully it is a one off.

blankmind · 28/05/2016 15:32

In your shoes, to stop myself watching him like the proverbial hawk and making everyone uncomfortable, I'd think about putting a small hidden camera in the living room for a while, just to make sure that when you leave him alone with the baby, he doesn't do it again.

Hopefully today's telling-off will work, but it would put your mind at rest knowing that there would be irrefutable evidence IF he did anything else to her when they were left alone.

Original poster
TerriHatchet · 28/05/2016 15:32

it was such a shock to see. He is normally so gentle with her and tells me off for not being careful enough with her! (Obviously I am but he is protective big brother) so I have no idea what came over him. I can only assume he forgot she is much smaller than him and did it for a "joke" like he might do to an older sibling/friend for example. Like pp have said if she was annoying him by taking his toys or crying etc I would understand. Not condone or excuse it, but understand. But she was sleeping peacefully at the time.

OP posts:
PirateJones · 28/05/2016 15:34

The way you've handled this is very sensible OP.

Liiinooo · 28/05/2016 15:35

He's seven. I am guessing he is visiting you rather than living with you so he now only see his dad part time. He has a cute little sister who is a rival for dad's affections and she also gets to live with his dad full time. I am not saying what he did was ok, but I think he had lots of reasons for wanting to hit her!

It must have been a terrible shock to see your DD hurt but try not to over react. Most older siblings, no matter how good and loving will do something similar at least once. My own DD1 bit her little sister quite hard twice. Each time I told her off, told her it was unkind and since she was a such a lovely little girl I knew she didn't want to be unkind to her baby sister who loved her so much. Sat them together for a cuddle and for DD1 to say sorry and as l say it only happened twice. I didn't have an option to send her elsewhere to sleep and I am glad I didn't. Just knowing he could be sent away will fuel any feelings of insecurity and resentment DSS might have.

If the slap was motivated by (unconscious feelings of) jealousy and insecurity you have taught DSS that slapping his little sister will give him attention AND time alone with his Dad. This will make it very tempting to not resist a similar impulse should it arise another time.

He is 7 so old of course his behaviour should have consequences but I think a naughty step or withdrawal of pudding/screen time etc is more appropriate and then the focus should be on fostering a loving bond with the family unit.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 28/05/2016 15:36

OP, he probably thought in a very childish way that if he did it when she was sleeping she wouldn't wake up yelling or be able to tell you - not that she could have told you anyway.

AngieBolen · 28/05/2016 15:36

It sounds very odd behaviour from a 7yo. Not silly, or just being 7, but.....odd. I can only think he was either caught up in an imaginary game or has a lot of jealously that needs to be dealt with.

Even when my DS had huge, destructive melt downs at 7/8/9 he would never have hurt his baby sister.

gingergenie · 28/05/2016 15:36

Liii I think OP said he lives with them full time?

notonyurjellybellynelly · 28/05/2016 15:36

I am guessing he is visiting you rather than living with you

I think the OP said earlier on that the wee boy lives with them full time.

Liiinooo · 28/05/2016 15:38

Sorry Teri - cross posted. I just read the bit where you say he lives with you full time and how you are going to approach it. It sounds good.

PirateJones · 28/05/2016 15:39

it might have even been a moment of stupidity where he has wondered if she would feel a smack if she was asleep. Testing it But without thinking that the result would hurt her. not fully thinking the idea through.

It not acceptable of course, but that's how childrens brains tend to work.

RaeSkywalker · 28/05/2016 15:40

I would want to know why he did it, I think that's the most important thing now. It sounds like jealousy but you need to help him recognise that and work out how you can improve things as a family.

I am a little concerned that a 7 year old approached a sleeping baby and deliberately hurt it. It's not like he's 2, he will know what he did is wrong on some level. I wouldn't leave them alone together for a while.

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