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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH pissed off at me, WIBU?

91 replies

YumBountyChoc · 27/05/2016 20:23

DH finished work early today, but we had nothing planned. I posted a while ago that he doesn't do bedtime for our DD, 11 months, due to work. I helped him do bedtime aka I did it and he watched, a little earlier than usual as DD was especially tired.

A friend then text me to say her son, who's 9, was playing in a cricket match at the club a 5 minute walk from me, she was alone and wanted company (she's a LP) so invited me to join her. DH said I was ok to leave DD with him, but I didn't know what time I'd be back.

I never ever go out at night as DH isn't usually back from work until 8/8.30pm and I'm usually in with DD, and on the nights he's not working he does his hobby until 8pm so it was lovely to be out enjoying myself. We got chatting, and then my friends sister and her two children who I also know joined us and we just lost track of time and before I knew it the match was over. When I checked the time I'd been out nearly 2 hours and had 3 texts and 2 missed calls from DH demanding to know when I'd be back.

When I got back home I may have taken my time a little and spoke to my DH he was annoyed that I'd been out so long and left him home. My DD slept through the whole thing, so he literally was just sat watching netflix on his computer and not much else. He told me it wasn't fair to just spring it on him like that and what if DD had woken up and got upset -forgetting the fact I was 5 minutes down the road had he needed me and he has my friends and her sisters numbers if he couldn't get hold of me

I now feel guilty that I had a good time without my DH and DD. It probably won't happen again as DH is rarely home from work early enough to do something like that again.

So WIBU to spend 2hours of my day watching a cricket game while my DH stayed home with DD?

OP posts:

Chinks123 · 27/05/2016 21:29

I think you know the answer to your question op. How unfair that you couldn't enjoy a couple of hours out, and all he was doing was watching Netflix. I honestly can't imagine being so controlled, as that is what he is doing: your dd was asleep, he was just sat on Netflix but yet he needs you home in case she wakes up Wtf?!?!

I agree with pp that it sounds more like he can't stomach you being out while he is sat bored at home which is so unfair as it is so rare for you. I'm annoyed for you

pictish · 27/05/2016 21:30

I think so too. Dd was asleep so all was well...he had no good reason to be chasing you up. 5 points of contact in two hours? He knew where you were close by and what you were doing.

All this business of getting him used to being on his own with her is a red herring and avoiding the real issue. He is not a child who must be guided by the hand...he is a father who learns the same way as you do...by bloody doing it.

Tell him not to do that to you again and mean it.

Rowanhart · 27/05/2016 21:36

How bizarre.

Next time he was home early from work I'd be tempted to go out and roll home at 2am.

lavenderhoney · 27/05/2016 21:40

He was watching Netflix and amused himself calling and texting you for no apparent reason? You need to get out more. Go out with your mil and turn your phones off:)

I'm surprised he's interested in you finding a job, because jobs start at 9 normally. I foresee you doing everything between work, childcare, housework - and in the mornings before he leaves at 10 ish- is he doing childcare? You could be at the gym or an early hobby like that couldn't you? Leave at 8 back for ten.

Has he been sulking? Your friend sounds nice btw.

piccadillyline · 27/05/2016 21:41

YANBU OP. Of course you aren't.

Start going out more. You'll enjoy yourself, DH will learn to bond with your DD- he won't kill her.

Sometimes you just have to throw them into the deep end if they aren't willing to do it in other ways.

VinoTime · 27/05/2016 21:50

Did he miss the memo about becoming a parent?

I can't believe I'm actually typing this given it's now 2016 but I know quite a few couples in your shoes, OP. The women can't ever leave the child/ren at home with the men because, "I don't know what to do with them." Frankly, I don't know how or why anyone would ever put up with that. One of my sisters NCT friends was once called home on a very rare night out with the NCT group (girls night out in the local town) by her partner because, "The baby's crying."

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but he needs to pull his head out his arse. He can go to work and manage a team of people but he can't watch his own DD for 2 hours without having a meltdown? Utterly pathetic.

RosieSW · 27/05/2016 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wallywobbles · 27/05/2016 21:53

Perhaps he could come home earlier and go in earlier. He chooses to get home after she's in bed. Think about it carefully.

What would happen if you died. Would he just give her away. I admit is unlikely, but it happened to us. My mum died and left 4 of us with a clueless arse of a dad. But he found a way to make it work without giving us to someone else to parent.

Original poster

YumBountyChoc · 27/05/2016 21:53

Lavenderhoney Friend is lovely, makes me laugh and is very loyal.

As for a job DDs got a place in a local nursery, and he knows if necessary he will at least be doing drop offs - MIL would have to walk passed the nursery to get to our house so doubt very much she'd do it unless absolutely necessary in an emergency.

OP posts:

queenofthepirates · 27/05/2016 21:55

I appreciate this isn't helpful for your circumstances but I despair of men like this. I'm a LP and I do all the bedtimes, all the wake-ups, all the sickness and so on.... How he can't manage for a few hours is beyond me. Maybe my backbone is just a bit more solid than his.

shiveringhiccup · 27/05/2016 21:57

I think all this about him lacking confidence with DC is misleading. The problem here is how controlling his behaviour was. He is obviously not used to putting someone else first and is used to a busy life working, doing his hobby, and having you at home. I think he felt resentful and bored, and instead of entertaining himself he tried to ruin your nice time. This is not ok and needs to be dealt with.

I do think his relationship with DC is also worth thinking about. Dumping her on his mother when it's supposed to be his time with her is lazy and he's missing out.

If you enjoyed the evening then I think you should hink about doing it regularly and getting him used to it. And next time lay down ground rules about whether it's appropriate to bombard you with texts and calls!

Original poster

YumBountyChoc · 27/05/2016 21:58

RosieSW He says he doesn't know what to do at bedtime, the rare occasions he's home for it he has to be talked through it step-by-step. He just watches if I ask him to help me he'll say "But you're better at it" or "she wants you"

His texts just said "Where are you?" "Where are you? you've been gone ages" and "COME BACK SOON".

He can't be home earlier as the shifts are on his contract which he can't change without the Area Managers permission, there has to be a manager in at all times so he'd have to change/rearrange his colleagues hours too.

OP posts:

clam · 27/05/2016 22:01

He can sure as hell get home earlier in the three nights a week he chooses to do his hobby though.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 27/05/2016 22:03

I'm sorry I just can't get my head around men like this, but what baffles me even more is the bloody women who put up with it! Should you not be 100% confident that your dh would be able to look after and care for their own children, independent of the mother? I think your dh knows exactly what he is doing, and has you just where he wants you. I just could never ever be married to a man who parented like this.

Original poster

YumBountyChoc · 27/05/2016 22:06

MrsRyanGosling I am pretty sure he can look after her and knows how to, he can make bottles and change nappies as he does when she wakes up in the morning, and generally when she gets upset she just wants a cuddle, if she's really upset she loves mirrors. He knows all this.

OP posts:

MrsRyanGosling15 · 27/05/2016 22:07

Genuine question, when he says "but your better at it" why are you even there? Why can you not just had her over and sit downstairs/ have a bath/ go for a walk, literally just tell him to do it and walk away. You sound like a doormat and he sounds like he has no respect for you, sorry.

EweAreHere · 27/05/2016 22:09

Wow.

Your DH behaved like a jckss. He should have been happy for you! Happy that you had a nice couple of hours with your friends. Like you are for him when he goes out and enjoys his hobby.

And if he's not confident being left alone with his own child, he needs to do it more often. Not less.

Original poster

YumBountyChoc · 27/05/2016 22:09

MrsRyanGosling Maybe I am a doormat, I don't know. Maybe next time I will leave him too it.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/05/2016 22:10

Then why are you pandering to this shit ?
Why do you feel guilty for a couple of hours out of the house ?

Who foisted these ridiculous 1950's attitudes on you ?

pictish · 27/05/2016 22:12

Yeah absolutely...he should have been happy for you! Selfish git wanted you back home to serve his preferences.

crazymammy · 27/05/2016 22:13

Give him £10, tell him thanks very much for babysitting but in future you'll get someone more qualified

Original poster

YumBountyChoc · 27/05/2016 22:15

AnyFucker My dad was similar with my mum, maybe I learnt it from that

OP posts:

Original poster

YumBountyChoc · 27/05/2016 22:16

crazymammy

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 27/05/2016 22:16

I can't imagine living with a man like that!!

KitKats28 · 27/05/2016 22:16

Why did he want a child that he doesn't want to co-parent?

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