To lay ground rules with my mum the moment she 'starts'

[PinkyOfPie]

My mother is coming tomorrow to stay for a week. This is giving me slight panicky feelings and no doubt by bedtime I'll have come out in hives.

As a bit of background, my mother is, shall we say, extremely difficult. Think Monica's mum in Friends, but worse.

I could write a book about why this is, but I'll use a few short examples.

Firstly it's the constant petty criticism. From the way I wear my hair (why can't I dye it brown and have a nice short Bob, blonde is so tacky) to my parenting skills (why have you never taught her that it's rude to put your elbows on the table). DD is 3.

Last time she was here she offered beforehand to babysit for us so me and DH could have a date night (she stipulated the date night, not us). When it came down to it, my friend had a spare concert ticket for an 80s artist I'd been dying to see since childhood at our local arena, and DH got an offer to watch football at his friends who has BT Sports. So rather than a date night we arranged to do that instead. We'd only be a few hours each, same as if we did have a date night. Mum was royally pissed off about it. She said she wouldn't have offered to babysit if she knew we were going out with friends and not each other . She babysat begrudgingly and lectured me the next morning because I had 2 glasses of wine the night before. I'm 29.

This is quite consistent with her thinking, she thinks a woman should serve her husband and that friends are useless when you're married (unless they are wives of your husband's friends). She actually told my brother's lovely wife, who is a SAHM looking after a toddler and home schooling her son who has additional needs, that when my brother comes home from work she should have a cake baking in the oven as "that's what a good wife does". I am a militant feminist and do not share this thinking, it ends up with quite a few disagreements.

It may not sound too bad, but there's so much more, if it's not criticism it's the constant passive aggressive attitude, a snobbish intolerance of other people, and the fawning about how utterly amazing my brother is. My brother is a lovely man, but if he cooks for his wife she acts like he's saved a child from drowning. She once told me "at least with your brother I have one child who's nice".

Strangely if you asked her she'd tell you we were best friends and closer than any mother and daughter ever. Because of the way she is, I end up being polite for ages, then it gets to me and I snap at her over one little thing. Which is not great, I know. But then I'm very much "the bad guy" and for the next two weeks she'll constantly reference how easily upset i am and how I need to control my anger.

I really would love to have a close relationship with her, and have tried endlessly, but she makes it so hard with her insistence that she's never wrong, and won't compromise on anything.

I did once tell her sincerely how she made me feel, years ago, but it ended in a very long guilt trip on her part, wi h absolutely nothing changing. However, during this coming visit I'll be turning 30 and I'd really like to have a nice birthday weekend without her winding me up. I'm also pregnant (which she expressed her disgust at, I posted about it in chat) meaning I'm insanely tired and suffering badly from morning sickness, dizziness and nausea. All. The. Time . I can't be bothered with her snarky attitude on top of all this. She rang me yesterday, arranging to meet at a shopping centre at 11am, and she said "can you cope with getting up so early on a weekend?". This is because on a Saturday I like to have a lie-in til 9am, and in my mother's world this is considered super lazy. I should be up at 5am martyring about the house. I've had to have words with her before about how, when she stays, she knocks on our bedroom door at 7am asking why we're not up yet (doesn't want us back o miss out on the day apparently).

DH has said that the second she starts with her bad attitude or criticism (which, knowing my mother, will be 2 minutes within us greeting each other) I need to lay down the law, say that this weekend is my birthday weekend, on top of being constantly ill, I want a pleasant visit so the criticisms and PA attitude must stop right now. If I don't do this, I'll end up just silently taking it whilst seething inside for a week. She'll most likely go on a huff, but i would actually prefer that than me huffing all week for once.

WIBU to do what DH says?

I don't understand why you cancelled your prearranged plans - she will carry on doing this for as long as you let her.

Good idea to get DH to fight your corner.

If she starts, just say on repeat, "Shall I get DH to take you to the airport/train/grandads?"

Honestly, if you don't do anything about this it won't change. The booking tickets and then telling you is a huge red flag. Who does that and just expects to be accommodated?

My mum can be quite critical and hurtful but on balance she comes from a good place and I love her a lot.
I did break off contact for about a year to give us both done space to re-evaluate our relationship. This was one of the reasons I told her.
I suspect she criticizes thinks that threaten her own world view and a lot of it is insecurity.
We've talked about it. I love in a different country to get and we haven't met face to face since contact resumed. She has gotten lots better with this on Skype calls. I haven't had to use the strategy yet that is my back up plan. In response to any criticism step 1 would be: "What you just said hurt my feelings, I refuse to engage with you when you are unkind to me." If she stops or (unlikely but not unheard of) apologises conversation resumes. If not step 2 I leave the room/ and the call.

Truly, make her stay at a hotel. Otherwise it will end in tears.

Of all the things I have done in my life, the night I stood up to my mother remains one of my proudest moments. I have not regretted it for a single minute.

Another sister here. Mine's a nightmare but Trieste suggest she's helpful.

We now have a superficial relationship only, although she'd tell you that we're really close.

I hope you manage ok OP. I know I couldn't a whole week!

My mum has the victim complex. Anyone that says "no" to her is bullying her.

We're in the middle of a big family thing at the moment after an incident at christmas. Her version of events, in her head, is that i was bullying her and have done for years. My version is that i say no to her about something, she ignores and continues and eventually i tell her off, which is me bullying.

Next time she informs you that she's coming just reply that it's a shame she didn't ask like normal people because you're away/have a house infestation/would rather eat your own spleen.

I meet my mother every 6 weeks or so for dinner & I need 2 drinks beforehand to get through it - a week long visit is unthinkable! I do think you should put your foot down as soon as she invites herself tho - if you have made other plans just say that - by giving in you're telling her that her plans are more important than yours.

Hope things are going ok for you OP. Come back and let off steam if they aren't going according to plan.

We must have been separated at birth! My mum is the same.... I have to say things like "can I just stop you there....before you start on about 'subject'..." It's exhausting.

Sorry for lack of update! Will tell all when everyone is in bed. Much eye rolling has ensued today!

HRTFT Pinky but it's clear your mother is living in the 1950s and has this crackpot expectation that all 'good' women/wives/mothers should superimpose an associated lifestyle on their 21st century life.

Not on and frankly appallingly disrespectful to you and yours. Not to mention unrealistic.

Break out the riot act. Until or unless she changes her attitude she is no longer welcome in your home, especially as she seems to be manipulative as well.

But can we really change their behaviour? lots of talk of oh you must change her behavior but i am not sure we can change it. We just manage it, with all the hints and tips above.
My take on it is that, with our mothers, this learned behaviour has come from somewhere or someone, and is so imbedded in their personality, its impossible to change.

whe i look at the dynamics of my mum and her sisters and the relationship they had with their parents, it's very clear to me how my mum has turned out the way she has.

eldest daughter. smart, responsible but was completely manipulated by her father. carer for dying mother whilst her sisters fecked off roind the world and had fun.

fast forward to 2016 and she now sees herself as carer for my dad. and she is pissed off as hell about itand feels trapped i bet. my dad does not need a carer.

all her digs at me are, i think, her venting. and its painful for me sometimes. But i manage her behaviour.
it's not always easy but i do try and remember why she is sometimes a bit harsh. Her father was a selfish shit and that must have been hard. i have a lovely dad.

Keep us posted, OP.

Hello sister . I see you have met my brother. He's so amaaaaazing darling .

Pinky please sit down and listen to what I'm saying because it's out of love for you and your soul. I'm 45. So I'm your big sister and I'm trying to help. Please don't get to my age before you do something about your feelings towards mother. You will never ever be good enough for her and the beauty and wonder and light that is you is being effaced in her presence. She needs this to happen to give herself validation.

These are some of the reasons behind this:
A) she is jealous of you and.putting you down is a way of making her feel good about herself (the pedestal effect)
B) she feels bad about herself for her imperfections and mistakes but doesn't want to so she projects all of her negative feelings onto you. You can then be the horrible part of her by proxy to berate.
C) she trained you from birth to feel her negative feelings. As s baby and small child you integrated this need. Now as an adult you are rebelling. The more you do this, the more she will fight.
D) her mother did this to her so she is doing what she learnt. Or in some way her parents didn't listen to her needs perhaps by over indulging her but not ever getting to know the true her.
E) she's always done it and it works. Why should she stop?

F) she's the matriarch, she knows best.
G) she gave you so much growing up, you are such an ungrateful daughter not to give back to her (I suspect this is true as she is a narcissist with a martyr complex).

I could tell you all the awful things mother's going to do and say to you in the next 15 years if you don't stop the dynamic but I think you already know to an extent. She will get worse with age because you are rebelling. You really are a naughty naughty fridge (insert any other appliance) you really aren't working properly and she's there to teach you how to work - theres stuff online about narcissists viewing others as appliances.

Up thread a poster said its your dhs responsibility is to protect you. I'm figuring if he was going to do that he would have done it by now. Mine tried once or twice and failed to make a lasting impression and refused thereafter (he's inferior btw maybe a man but unfortunately according to mother's views because he's french.) Apparently she tried very early on in our relationship to manipulate him and he gave her the brush off. What DH was actually trying to teach me by refusing to help more was to stick up for myself because that was the only way to make it change. He didn't do a very good job on the teaching front as it consisted of us rowing a lot about her and I'm in counselling now. Life is so much easier. My counselling. is a kind of spiritual therapy and uses techniques like hypnotherapy and imagination to find safe places inside yourself and diffusing the buttons mother pushes. My therapist is very non judgmental - it's really amazing.

And no had my mother done this now, I would not have cancelled my trip. She booked it and her father is willing to put her up.

Happy birthday.

Thanks for your comments everybody. It's really helpful to know I'm not alone and that I'm not overthinking it all!

So, the shopping centre wasn't too bad. We went for lunch and she said she would take DD to the Disney store for a treat. I said "ooh that's nice of Gran you'll get to pick a lovely Disney toy". DD obviously very excited! Mum then said "oh I'm not getting her a toy, I want to buy a knife and fork and plate set for my house for when she comes over". I said we'd probably have to get her something, it would be hard to take a 3yo into a Disney store without letting them atleast get a little toy. She then rolled her eyes and said in front of DD that she's just spoiled and will have to learn she can't always get everything she wants.

Now, I accept she probably has a point, but it's also DDs birthday soon after mine and I told her she could pick her own toy when shopping for me to wrap, and where better than the Disney Store?

So at that point I said right, I want to have a nice week together, no little digs, no comments about my DD, so that is the last thing you get to say in criticism to me . Well, she started to cry, about what a terrible mother she must be and feels she can never do anything right. DH was very good, said now is not the time for waterworks and mum should be thinking of my feelings when she's here and maybe take into account what I've said rather than crying about it

She stopped crying and we had a pleasant enough day.

Last night my friend came round to drop my birthday present off and she stayed for a few glasses of wine (I had juice!) and mum drank too. The conversation basically centred on my mother the whole night, how her own mum was awful to her, how her dad is a PITA, and how she's unhappy in her marriage to my stepdad. She cried a lot in this time. She didn't mention the fact that I suffered abuse at the hands of my awful stepdad when I was younger, we pretend that never happened. I've probably imagine it all anyway in her eyes. Anyway, it was basically 3 hours of my night listening to my pissed mum tell us how lovely she is and doesn't deserve this, how from now on she's going o think of only herself etc. Which is deliciously ironic as she's the most selfish person I know. I was quite embarrassed really.

There were a couple of little irritating things, like making fun of my accent (a northern "no") and I was also on a reclining chair which DD tripped up over the reclining foot part, and mum said "I saw mummy stick it out so you would trip" . When I said "you what?" She did the whole "oh I'm only joking don't be so sensitive" (DH calls her mother gothel, as in from Tangled). I didn't pull her up on these as my friend was there.

anyway these may seem small and insignificant but it's just examples of ways in which she gets to me. Why can't she just be normal? I'm going to ask her to stay at my Grandad's from tomorrow night. Wish me luck!

Its not small.
she is nasty and self obsessed, and the fact that she pretends you weren't abused says it all.
That all sounds familiar. I went NC and have never looked back.

Your DH sounds awesome!

Anyway, it was basically 3 hours of my night listening to my pissed mum tell us how lovely she is and doesn't deserve this, how from now on she's going o think of only herself etc.

booking.com often has cheaper last-minute hotel slots than lastminute.com.

She told your daughter that you tried to trip her up on purpose?!! That is sooo nasty. And then pretends she 's joking.

I too am in love with your husband. He sounds absolutely wonderful!

Lots of luck in kicking her out to her poor father's house! Just think of us all here behind you.

God she sounds so like my mother in shops. We occasionally go to m&s - there's a big one near me. Twice - maybe two years apart I went to look at the children's clothes. She literally said she was going 'over there' when I went toward the children's section and walked off in the opposite direction. All because I'm such a grabby daughter and only interested in her money and would have forced her into buying clothes for DD . Nb Most of m&s are the wrong cut for DD so hardly! She did however announce the last time she came up she wanted to take DD to M&S to buy her some clothes - the offer was for a pretty dress and something else if she found it. I nearly fell off my perch - dd tried on half the shop to get something to fit but mother wanted it to be from there so where there was a will there was a way.

The one no no with your mother op is never to expect anything. And if she's like my mother, never tell DD grandma will do something because she won't do it even if she intended to - just to spite you!

She is a narky nark from the narcissistic side of Narkville the week the Great Narc Fest is on. She can't be normal OP, as she is a true Narc and therefore is incapable of seeing any wrong in herself. I went NC with my sister because of behaviours such as you describe. I tolerated it for decades and she crossed a line one day and I went NC. I love not having her in my life. It is one of the harder personality disorders to deal with as they rarely, if ever, change. Everyone just has to accommodate them and deal with their own feelings of resentment without end or go NC.

Hopefully today will be a better day for you.

Hi OP, did you kick your DM out? How did it go?

Good work so far OP

Mother Gothel lol! My mum pretended abuse had never happened too. Well done for sticking up to her. x