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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is too much to drink?

103 replies

Crapmummy2016 · 27/05/2016 08:02

When sitting home alone:
3 cans of beer
1/4 to 1/2 bottle of red wine ( I'm not sure how much was left)
1/2 glass of Amaretto ( this was ridiculous it was at least 3 pub measures)

OP posts:

Buckinbronco · 27/05/2016 11:28

Little lion- they had a blazing row where the OP told him off for drinking too much. That's not about her being in her rights to tell him how it makes her feel, that's telling him off for something she doesn't want him to do.

And the point is she doesn't need to take responsibility or control. He's happy, presumably, with his few drinks. What's to take responsibility for? She wants to take conteol because she doesn't want him drinking that amount when he's at home alone with the children.

I would be raging if DH told me how much I should drink and how I should care for my children. It's just not on.

LagunaBubbles · 27/05/2016 11:30

He argues there wasn't as much in the bottle as I say but I'd marked the bottle so I know exactly how much was left

Why had you marked the bottle? It sounds like you dont trust your DH with alcohol.

LittleLionMansMummy · 27/05/2016 11:35

He's happy with his, ahem 'few' drinks Buckin but she is not. If you ask an alcoholic if they're happy with the amount they drink they'll say 'yes, it's not a problem' until the point at which it has affected those around them so much that they're forced to make a decision - alcohol or family. Only at that point do they tend to agree they have a problem.

Dragongirl10 · 27/05/2016 11:38

YANBU..

In sole charge of a toddler and a baby that is very irresponsible, l would never leave my dcs at that age with my Dh if he was going to drink, period.

Others may be fine with it, but if my dc was suddenly taken ill or an accident happened, l would want the caregiver to be sober, without question.

I am sorry op your DH has a problem, if he thinks it is neccesary to drink alone rather than take proper care of his DCs.

Buckinbronco · 27/05/2016 11:42

But she doesn't control his drinking, whether he's an alcoholic or not. The only control she has is whether or not she stays in the relationship. And if the drinking affects her that much, that's all she can do. Not police it and tell him off. He's a grown man drinking in his own home!

I see so many women like this who infantilise and try and mother their husbands.

Buckinbronco · 27/05/2016 11:43

Dragon girl how could you possibly know if he has a drinking problem? You don't.

LittleLionMansMummy · 27/05/2016 11:48

It's called loving someone and enabling their behaviour because you love them and hope that one day they'll change. It isn't about mothering or infantising. And some do change because they don't want to lose their family, so in those cases it's worth sticking it out. Others don't change and on that point we agree - the decision is then whether or not to stay in the relationship, since the problem can never be controlled.

Buckinbronco · 27/05/2016 12:01

I agree with that. But we have no reason to think we are dealing with a problem drinker. All we have is an OP saying her H had a few drinks and got a bit pissed and she hates it and he has form for getting pissed. Like 90% of the adults in this country do. And you're dramatising if further by talking about alcoholic behaviour

LittleLionMansMummy · 27/05/2016 12:05

But you can't possibly know that he doesn't have a drink problem Buckin. I'd say though that given the circumstances, including the op's updates, the balance of probability probably lies in favour of him having a drink problem. People don't usually go around marking bottles for the fun of it. But this is all just conjecture until we know more.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 27/05/2016 12:19

If you ask an alcoholic if they're happy with the amount they drink they'll say 'yes, it's not a problem'

Not necessarily. I'm a recovering dependent drinker (I don't personally use the term 'alcoholic', I find it too enabling, but that's not relevant here) and I ALWAYS knew the amount I drank was problematic, so I just became really, really good at hiding it.

What would worry me about the DH's drinking is that he's scrabbling around for anything alcoholic, he's putting empties back in the cupboard to try to conceal the amount he's drunk (big red flag for me), and the OP has felt the need to mark the bottles. As a PP said, there's clearly a huge history here.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 27/05/2016 12:21

Also, after mixing all those things, he's going to have a MINGING hangover. He's not thinking ahead to feeling like utter shit in the morning, which could prompt the question: does he top himself up early on in the day, to recover from the previous night's binge? I know I'm speculating wildly, but it's not outside the realms of possibility.

sadie9 · 27/05/2016 12:25

What ages are the toddler and baby?

LittleLionMansMummy · 27/05/2016 12:27

Beauty you may have always known it, but knowing it and admitting to it are two separate things. Efforts to conceal drinking are because you know it's wrong but are not yet prepared to admit to it or give it up. The fact that you're recovering suggests there was a point at which you were forced to make a decision.

WipsGlitter · 27/05/2016 12:31

Firstly Amaretto is boke.

Secondly if you marked the bottle then obviously there is form for this.

Do you drink yourself OP?

IdStillRatherBeKnitting · 27/05/2016 12:42

My ex was like this. Everything he could find in the house, wasn't alcoholic, just wouldn't stop until nothing was left, bingeing I suppose . He didn't drive at the time (pre kids, well I was pg at the time), so I just stopped buying alcohol and let the house run 'dry'. By the time he'd passed his test and could shop by himself (! sounds like a toddler) I didn't care anymore, hence the ex.

He even drank the 4yr old cherry brandy I used to make Christmas cakes with one night, which was no easy find at the back of the full-of-crap cupboard.

If you're at the marking bottles point, you're already a long way down the road ime.

HermioneJeanGranger · 27/05/2016 12:43

Based on your original post, YABU.
Based on subsequent posts, YAstillBU to think it's excessive as a one-off, but you clearly think your DH drinks too much on a regular basis - especially if you're going around marking bottles of Amaretto!

I don't see a problem with having a drink once kids are in bed. Surely that's what single parents/shift-working parents/parents where one half works away do all the time? If there was an emergency, he could ring an ambulance/taxi as necessary - not everyone drives and they manage.

Unless your child is really sick or likely to get so in the night, I don't see the harm in a parent having a few drinks once the children are asleep.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 27/05/2016 12:53

LittleLion, this is very true. Drink gave me confidence I just didn't have on my own (I was recently diagnosed with a personality disorder, which explains a lot), and it was my security blanket. I only quit when I realised how much I was harming not just myself, but my DH and DC. I was destroying them. That was my turning point, and tbh it took me far too fucking long to get there.

Sorry, I'm not trying to derail the thread! Back to the OP, we just don't know if this guy really does have an alcohol problem, or if it's just more of a 'fuck you' because he feels like he's being policed. There's an important distinction.

Zaurak · 27/05/2016 13:08

It's the combination that raises flags for me. A couple of cans OR half a bottle isn't too much of an issue but going from one to another then the amaretto (grim) smacks of needing alcohol, and drinking whatever he can find rather than 'hmm I'll polish the rest of that nice red off once the kids are in bed.'

LittleLionMansMummy · 27/05/2016 13:11

You got there Beauty and that's the main thing. I have nothing but admiration for those who manage to beat it and think you must be a very strong person. I'm sure you've found that you're all much happier without it.

madparent1 · 27/05/2016 13:12

Some people can handle alcohol better than others, what some people are okay with some other people would be falling over drunk with. No one should drink too much if looking after children or doing anything that requires responsibility. Drinking does affect your abilities and thoughts but we probably have all seen drunk parents in our time. It is a problem.

motheroftwoboys · 27/05/2016 13:19

genuinely curious. Those of you who say that anyone left in sole charge of a child should be sober in case there was an emergency and need to drive. Does that mean that, generally, one of you won't drink at all of an evening or when you have a dinner party or whatever?

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 27/05/2016 13:31

LittleLion - thank you, you're very kind. We're SO much happier, sobriety has truly been a gift to my whole family. It was a matter of learning to apply the same determination to staying sober, that I applied to getting hold of and necking booze. Problem drinkers have tremendous willpower, if you think about it - it's just applied to something horribly destructive. If that can be turned around, you can stay sober.

PeppermintPasty · 27/05/2016 13:32

mother I have a friend who doesn't drink for just that reason. She will have a drink if she's on a night out but no way would she have even one if home alone with her children. I used to think that was quite hardcore, but it's just part of who she is I guess. She's not the type to judge others as I would frequently get pissed in her company with my kids in tow and she never judged me

mummy2zni · 27/05/2016 13:56

mother good point! tbh I hadn't thought of it that way. I guess because I so rarely have more than one as it sends me to sleep! Ie if I sit on the couch or read in bed after a glass of wine I jus... zzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Original poster

Crapmummy2016 · 27/05/2016 14:14

Sorry I just lost a long post!

I think he does have a drinking problem but he disagrees. He doesn't always know when to stop. Like last night. He was already a little bit drunk and it was late. Most people would have gone to bed but he poured himself a massive drink. He didn't do it to get at me as it was only after I saw how big a glass he had poured and that he had hidden the bottles that the row started.

My family are virtually tee total. I do drink but less these days as we have small kids. I don't see the point in getting hammered at home on a random night knowing I will be up with the kids ( 3 and 7 months). If we have a glass of wine with dinner I'm happy with that. He has to polish off the bottle. His family are all massive drinkers. Some have drinking problems, some don't. But heavy drinking to him is the norm and I think he finds it hard to see the distinction between " liking a drink" and having an issue.

OP posts:

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