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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is too much to drink?

103 replies

Crapmummy2016 · 27/05/2016 08:02

When sitting home alone:
3 cans of beer
1/4 to 1/2 bottle of red wine ( I'm not sure how much was left)
1/2 glass of Amaretto ( this was ridiculous it was at least 3 pub measures)

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/05/2016 09:23

Some of you will be or turn into some of the women in my family end up looking like fools at family events cats bumming about their men folk getting drunk.

Isn't that a bit different? People expect to drink at parties, surely - and both parents are there?

Maybe it's a societal thing. I do drink on my own - a glass of wine, a beer, etc. I live on my own, so if I fancy a glass after work, it's probably going to be alone. I don't tend to get pissed on my own though. It feels like there's a big difference there.

NotdeadyetBOING · 27/05/2016 09:24

I suspect you are right about him having been scratching around to find whatever alcohol was available. Otherwise - very much doubt he would have had sudden urge for Amaretto just before midnight. On his own.

Very sorry to say it sounds to me as if he has a booze problem. The trouble is, you can't solve it for him or do anything about it if he doesn't want to. If I am right (and I might be totally wrong) then I would put money on him being aware that there is some sort of issue, whether he wants to admit it to you/himself or not. It is a horrible place to be and there are many people suffering in silence.

If it goes on/escalates, I suggest you call Al-Anon. Not meaning to be melodramatic, but they are great at supporting people who are living with people with a booze problem.

Good luck and I hope things improve Flowers

maxeffort0satisfaction · 27/05/2016 09:26

YABU for having a row over it.
even if he has a problem, even if he was wrong, whatever ..fighting about it when he had drunk alcohol is useless and not good in front of the kids either.

Buckinbronco · 27/05/2016 09:27

"Today 09:23 AnchorDownDeepBreath

Some of you will be or turn into some of the women in my family end up looking like fools at family events cats bumming about their men folk getting drunk.

Isn't that a bit different? People expect to drink at parties, surely - and both parents are there?

Maybe it's a societal thing. I do drink on my own - a glass of wine, a beer, etc. I live on my own, so if I fancy a glass after work, it's probably going to be alone. I don't tend to get pissed on my own though. It feels like there's a big difference there."

I don't think so. It's obviously not exactly the same situation but it's the a) feeling you have the right to tell another adult how much they should drink and b) the ridiculous over reaction to a few drinks on an evening. Al anon?! Indicating he's got a drinking problem with no other knowledge than the OPs posts? Ridiculously naive

MessyBun247 · 27/05/2016 09:30

Far too much if he was looking after the kids, what if something had happened?
He's an adult and can get pissed as much as he wants, but NOT when he's looking after kids. Very irresponsible.

nobilityobliges · 27/05/2016 09:31

Wayy too much when in sole care of small children. Tbh, a bit worrying in general - not the amount per se (I could drink the equiv on a night out) but even that's a bit weird when drinking alone imo, but also the random variety of drinks -- sounds like he was just reaching for any random thing to knock back. The fact that he fought back about you objecting is worrying too. I'd say he has every sign of having an alcohol problem (angrily failing to see why drinking this amount is an issue when in charge of small kids is the biggest sign, more than the drink itself).

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 27/05/2016 09:32

You see, OP, no good ever comes from asking a question on AIBU that you didn't want the answer to.

You asked 'is this too much to drink?' and the answer is 'well maybe, probably not, it depends'.

Really the question you wanted answering is 'Is my DH a problem drinker?'

mrsm43s · 27/05/2016 09:33

Hang on, he drank the amaretto after you got back? So not in sole charge of the children at that point.

So whilst in charge of the children he had 3 beers and a glass, maybe 2 of wine? Honestly that seems OK to me, especially since he must have a reasonable tolerance as he drinks frequently. I'd be highly surprised at a regular drinker showing any real signs of drunkenness on that amount.

I still think, despite the drip feeds, that YABU based on your original question. I don't think the amount he had that night whilst in sole care of the children was necessarily too much, and I don't think having a "blazing row" with him because of it was reasonable (and nor do I think it is your job to tell him how much he is allowed to drink when in charge of children)

As a separate issue, however, you appear to have an ongoing issue with his alcohol intake. This would best be dealt with by calmly chatting to him in the morning. I still can't really tell how much of an issue it is from your posts. If drinks like you describe once a week or so, not really an issue, if he's doing it every night, then rather more so.

Without actually being there, its really hard to see where the issue it. It could be that you are overly controlling, and that he quite reasonably likes few drinks which is absolutely his right as a adult. It could also be that he's a borderline alcoholic who is pushing you to your limits, and not able to behave responsibly. On here, we're only ever going to hear one side of the story, and it would be impossible for any one of us to really know what the true situation is.

Blazing rows are never the way to go though. Especially not when one (or both) parties have been drinking.

VinoTime · 27/05/2016 09:33

I think most of us enjoy a tipple. But you don't drink to that excess when in sole charge of children. It's completely irresponsible. To my way of thinking, having a drink is more of a sociable thing - a glass of wine over dinner, some drinks with friends, enjoying a night out, etc. If you're drinking those quantities on your own 'just because', I'd be seriously questioning why. A bottle of beer or two with dinner or in front of the TV - fine. Double digit units when you're on your own in the house with children to look after - that would be a big problem for me.

I would have hit the roof.

Jimjamjoos · 27/05/2016 09:50

I don't think that much is to excess. Huge generalisation coming up here: most men don't tend to stress about the slight chance that a child may get ill in the night either. I reckon the kids have driven him mad and once in bed he's had a drink to relax. It's close to the weekend and he's on a wind down.

PeppermintPasty · 27/05/2016 09:56

I think it's quite a lot to drink over five hours, but it's all about perception. Clearly other people don't think that. Did you answer the question about whether this is a regular issue op? Apols if you did.

WomanActually · 27/05/2016 10:05

It's not so much the drinking alone or the amount that's sticking out for me, it's that when he's finished his beer he's drank something he doesn't like because any alcohol is better than no alcohol.

Nothing wrong on it's own and I've drank stuff I don't like because I didn't want to stop drinking as have loads of people I know, but I've noticed that often when people drink stuff they never usually like it's because they are already quite drunk and that's the part that would worry me if he's in sole charge if little ones.

My mil is an alcoholic and the worry and stress is unlike anything I've known, she has a brilliant support network, the best family and grandchildren but she won't try to beat it, she chooses drinking all day instead.

I hope your dh isn't on that path but it's not something anyone here can tell you. You know him and if his drinking is an issue then it can only be solved if he wants to solve it, so you may need to think about what you'll do if he can't or won't stop drinking if there's an addiction there.

Good Luck either way OP. Flowers

WomanActually · 27/05/2016 10:10

I'm not implying he has a drink problem btw, I mentioned it because you say you're worried about him becoming alcoholic. I took from that there's issues with his drinking. All you can do is speak to him I guess.

TimetohittheroadJack · 27/05/2016 10:28

Sometimes when my kids go to bed I have a glass of wine and have occasionally drank the whole bottle - then raided the cupboard for other booze (I mean who actually likes amaretto). It doesn't mean I wouldn't be able to hear my children if they were unwell. In fact in the 13 + years since my oldest was born there has never been any emergencies during the night (sure sickness, fevers, nightmares, usual stuff) but how many parents (with children with no disabilities or allergies etc) have had a during the night emergency? Surely the risk must be really low?

twirlypoo · 27/05/2016 10:40

I am a single parent so any drinking I do is alone in sole charge of the kids. He drank the amaretto when you got home (and to be honest, it sounds like he poured that as a reaction to you bawling him out rather than because he intended on drinking it) so all he had was 3 beers and a glass of wine - over 5 hours, so less than a drink an hour. I honestly don't get the problem! If there was an emergency surely you just follow the same procedures as you would normally but with a taxi as apposed to driving yourself.

That said, my ex had a problem with alcohol and would drink until there was nothing left in the house and couldn't stand up. I became very anxious around him and drink - so if we went for a meal and he had a glass of wine I was fearful of it starting an evening of drinking off. To outsiders I looked mega controlling having a hissy fit over 1 drink, but they didn't see the trigger of events it was causing.

So, basically, that's me firmly on the fence!

LittleLionMansMummy · 27/05/2016 10:49

I've based my comments about it being a potential problem on the following:

  1. He drank, a fair amount whichever way you look at it. Alone. This wasn't one glass of wine or a beer. It was mixing beer, wine and spirits. Whatever came to hand in other words.
  1. He drank that amount in sole charge of children.
  1. The fact the op was angry and states he has form indicates this is not an isolated incident and that it is bothering her.

In these circumstances, taken as a sum total, it is ridiculous to suggest that the op is being pious, overbearing or controlling.

I do happen to know a thing or two about alcoholism and its effect on those within its control and around it. Taken in isolation, each of these things would not suggest a problem. Together, they add up to something that may well be a cause for concern.

Buckinbronco · 27/05/2016 10:54

Well I'm taking it as a sum total (a sum total of no big deal) and still think the OP and some of the reactions are pious, overbearing and controlling. Who thinks they can tell another adult what they can and can't drink?

Crinkle77 · 27/05/2016 10:55

Well at first I would have said no it's not too much. I would drink that on a Friday night but that is my blow out night. However I don't have children or work the next day. I think it is too much if you are looking after children by yourself.

Jimjamjoos · 27/05/2016 11:01

I've been in a similar relationship twirlypoo and totally agree with getting the fear. It's not the amount per se, it's how that person uses alcohol and what they become like whilst drunk.

I thinking the op looks like she is overreacting cos there is more to it. She would probably have had her back up with him if she spied one can of lager if he has form for drinking like a knob. She may also be over anxious about her children. It's hard to tell from here.

LittleLionMansMummy · 27/05/2016 11:09

What the op has done Buckin is explain how her dh's drinking (in those circumstances) made her feel, which she's well within her rights to do. I don't know how that amounts to telling him what he can and can't drink. Most adults are able to exercise enough control to know themselves what they can and can't drink and take responsibility for that, without anyone else needing to take control. Most adults are also aware of how their behaviour and actions might affect others and are capable of modifying it.

MangoMoon · 27/05/2016 11:11

Yes we should all just drink tap water. Why the need for tea? Ot coffee? Let's eat bread and boiled veg at every meal. Why the need for pizza?

Actual lol that someone extrapolated that from my comment.

Mumsnet is like an alternate reality sometimes.

Original poster
Crapmummy2016 · 27/05/2016 11:15

To clarify we didn't row until I saw the Amaretto. It was almost midnight and I was getting things ready to go to bed. I saw him come in with a huge glass of it and then saw the bottle was empty. He argues there wasn't as much in the bottle as I say but I'd marked the bottle so I know exactly how much was left. He also put the empty bottle plus the empty wine bottle back in the cupboard. He claims not to know why but I do. He obviously didn't want me to know how much he had drunk.

So it was only after finding these that I got annoyed and the row started. As I said he has form for drinking too much and doesn't know when to stop.

OP posts:
Fibbertigibbet · 27/05/2016 11:18

If it was a one-off with friends I wouldn't be very concerned.

As it is alone, whilst in the sole care of children, this is an obscene amount to drink. He sounds like he might have a problem.

Oysterbabe · 27/05/2016 11:26

You marked the bottle? There's obviously a huge history here.

I wouldn't be delighted if DH had that much when looking after our baby, especially if it was likely he would need to feed and change her. For example I would worry he wouldn't take the care required to make sure her bottle was made correctly and the right temperature, they'd be a higher risk of him dropping her. He wouldn't do it anyway.

LittleLionMansMummy · 27/05/2016 11:28

Does his drinking often cause arguments op (I don't like your username so won't use it)? When you say he 'has form', what do you mean? What is it about his drinking that annoys or worries you? I'm not trying to be intrusive, just trying to gauge how regular this is. It does sound like you're genuinely concerned as opposed to being paranoid and controlling. The fact that you mark bottles (presumably to use as evidence to confront him because he's hiding the amount he drinks?) is not a good sign tbh.