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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend wouldn't help fiance choose a ring

129 replies

SomethingLike · 25/05/2016 14:19

Regular but have NC for this don't want to out myself to anyone I've told this to in RL.

I met my now fiance about five years ago. After we had been together about a year and a bit he approached a good friend of mine who I've known for over ten years but saw once a week over text (got the number from my phone) and asked her to help him find out my ring size. I know all this retrospectively I knew nothing of it at the time.

Said friend and I were having a weekend at the town we are both from and she never brought up the subject. Fiance always used to say to me "she's a funny one that girl she isn't a true friend to you I don't think." Since getting engaged he's told me why he thinks that and shown me a text conversation between the two of them where he kept asking her to help find out the size and she kept refusing, saying she couldn't and a snappy one saying "you'll just have to buy the ring and get it re sized." She never contacted him about it again or offered to help. He then contacted a girl I worked with who somehow got it out of me in one day. (Without giving the game away.)

Would this make you think differently about your friend or is it insignificant? She knew I was happy with fiance and would be happy about an engagement so that can't have been a reason. I'm just confused by the woke thing.

OP posts:

squoosh · 25/05/2016 15:31

Whatever weirdness there may be about her not wanting to help him with the ring size I think that weirdness is balanced out by people knowing 4 years ago that he was planning to propose to you! And her lack of help still being a thing all this time later.

Basically, people are weird. All of us.

Guiltydilemma · 25/05/2016 15:32

I' d take the same opinion as you and your fiancée OP. I'd be reassured that everyone else disagrees though and take from it that you just have different opinions on the matter and it doesn't necessarily mean your fiancée is at fault for feeling this way but neither is your friend.

2rebecca · 25/05/2016 15:32

Agree all odd. I can't imagine how you'd casually get a friend to try on a ring sizer on her engagement finger to see which one fits. It's just not the sort of game grown ups play.
I think the days of men thinking they are doing a woman a huge favour by proposing and choosing a ring for her are long past. Getting married is something you both discuss and then you go together to choose engagement and wedding rings and get on with wedding arrangements.

wallybantersjunkbox · 25/05/2016 15:37

If it was me and my closest friend, it'd be quite simple to try at least...?

If she wore a ring I'd say it was nice and ask if I could try it...if it didn't fit my sausage fingers I'd say "wow that's tiny, what ring size are you, do you know?"

Or, just a conversation about how I like rings but they never fit, I don't know what size I am, do you? Etc etc

Not that hard really, to do for a friend?

And if be over the moon for her, and touched that I'd been asked as her confidant.

Original poster

SomethingLike · 25/05/2016 15:38

Thanks for all of your replies. I think this thread had careered off topic somewhat (rights and wrongs of proposals/ who should choose a ring/ stealing phone numbers/ controlling men etc to name but a few...)

None of the above are interesting or relevant to me on this occasion.

BUT I was keen to try and understand my friends reasoning, and I think I do now, or at least can see it from her side so thank you MN.

OP posts:

EpoxyResin · 25/05/2016 15:42

Getting married is something you both discuss and then you go together to choose engagement and wedding rings

For what it's worth I agree with you 2rebecca, but are you telling all those happy couples out there that if Ms.A wants Mr.B to go out and buy a ring, ask her dad, get down on one knee in some elaborately staged display of affection and surprise her with it, are you telling those people they're doing it wrong??

Sounds like OP liked her surprise proposal. Sounds like her fiance liked doing it. Sounds like the friend was not so impressed.

Hikez · 25/05/2016 15:42

The show's over now ladies. Move along.

Just5minswithDacre · 25/05/2016 15:44

The show's over now ladies. Move along.

Yep, that will catch on on MN. Not.

EpoxyResin · 25/05/2016 15:44

Good for you Something, AIBU's been a weird old place this last 24 hours but you've tolerated the madness well. Good luck with the wedding.

squoosh · 25/05/2016 15:50

But what would you do if you found out 4 years ago that your friend's boyfriend was planning to propose and then nothing happened? She kept shctum so she can't be that bad a friend!

2rebecca · 25/05/2016 16:16

Agree that she has done well not to ask about engagements and wedding in the past 3 1/2 years. it must have seemed very odd to her as though he had changed his mind and probably made her feel she was right not to get involved in ring related games.

2nds · 25/05/2016 16:35

Ring sizes are really difficult to find out, I did not know my own at all until about 5 years ago, and the chances are that it has changed since then. Then of course if she can't stand your man she's not going to be extremely helpful is she? Who keeps 4 year old text messages, and why the heck didn't he just take the hint and say OK I'll ask someone else?

Personally I think it's a silly thing to bring up from so long ago, and her refusing to do his digging does not mean she's not a good friend. Besides if you were only together a year at that point maybe she felt it would be wrong to do it in case you said no to him. One more thing had she given the game away he might have blamed her on spoiling the surprise. That's not a nice position to be put in.

Don't let any man tell you someone isn't a good friend. That can sometimes be an indication that he wants to be in control.

AskingForAPal · 25/05/2016 16:39

Am I the only one wondering if the "family thing" that was being awaited was a divorce on one side or other, and that's why the friend thought another proposal might not be the best idea ever at that point?

AskingForAPal · 25/05/2016 16:45

"Don't let any man tell you someone isn't a good friend."

I agree! A friend's husband (then boyfriend) got my number from her phone once and texted me to ask a favour - nothing to do with her, just something for him. I didn't want to do the favour as it would have been really hard to do, I didn't know the guy, and it was bad timing as I was extremely busy (which he knew). But the fact that he'd asked made it really awkward! Didn't want to seem like a) I was sneaking around behind her back b) I didn't like him. At least in my case I could ring the friend directly, and it turned out she had no idea about it and was very about him nicking my number, and basically told me not to worry about the whole thing. I like to think she told him not to be a silly git!

I think you don't sound like an amazing friend to be honest OP, if you can have doubts planted in your mind because your long-standing friend couldn't help your newish boyfriend with a really tricky thing 4 years ago. Maybe she was pissed off with him for some reason? You don't know what their relationship is like and - crucially - she's not HIS friend (i.e. she didn't choose to have a relationship with him) she's YOUR friend. It hardly hampered your engagement did it?!

NinaSimoneful · 25/05/2016 22:32

Does he still have the same phone from four years ago? If not he's had to go to the bother of keeping the texts. That's a bit odd.

2rebecca · 25/05/2016 23:18

Agree the fiance's behaviour re unwillingness to sort out ring size himself, then not bothering to propose for over 3 years when he had the ring, then hanging on to 4 year old texts on old phone then dragging this up and accusing friend of not being a good friend because she wouldn't do what he wanted are all very weird

MrsRyanGosling15 · 25/05/2016 23:49

I've never read such projecting, man hating crap in all my life. 90% of people on this thread are batshit crazy. Of course a friend would help, or at least try. Glad you all aren't my friends!

Myusernameismyusername · 25/05/2016 23:59

Here's me, wedding disliker...
In my little humble opinion, weddings and rings and such like seem to have mostly brought my nearest and dearest out in a terrible case of bridezila obsessions. I avoid it all as much as I can until all the excitement is over and done with and smile politely while they drone on about flowers and such.
I am not married no. And don't wish to be.
It is just that even though they are my friends and family, I don't really want to be involved, it can feel very stressful and although I am happy for them, the happiness can seem very relentlessly to me. I would probably opt out but would be polite. It's also possible she doesn't like him, and didn't really feel comfortable with it. But maybe she could have been more polite about it.

softjellyjunglecustard · 26/05/2016 00:26

I would've helped, I'm an expert in this sort of thing. ;)

Mummyme1987 · 26/05/2016 00:32

Odd in every way.

enterYourPassword · 26/05/2016 07:18

I think your friend sounds a little unhelpful. How to the two of them get on now? I'm surprised you're posting about something from 4 years ago!

My (now) husband got a female friend of mine to ask to try on a ring I was wearing just as a rough comparison before he proposed. He couldn't have done it without help as my wedding ring actually passes through the middle of his!

He went through your phone to get her number. "having gone through her phone" He wasn't tracking your movements! I think some posters need to get a grip.

I went through my husbands emails to arrange a surprise birthday party for him. Breach of trust? FFS!

TheCrumpettyTree · 26/05/2016 07:35

I've never read such projecting, man hating crap in all my life. 90% of people on this thread are batshit crazy. Of course a friend would help, or at least try. Glad you all aren't my friends!

This.

EpoxyResin · 26/05/2016 08:31

I've never read such projecting, man hating crap in all my life. 90% of people on this thread are batshit crazy. Of course a friend would help, or at least try. Glad you all aren't my friends!

Sanity, hurrah!

blindsider · 26/05/2016 08:45

Yup

MargaretCavendish · 26/05/2016 08:50

"b) Snaffle one you already where on ring finger, get it measured, replace (doable if you regularly where one on one of those two fingers, but not often enough to miss it and fiance still better paced then friend)"

Just to point out for anyone reading this thread for ring-buying tips - this wouldn't have worked for me! I didn't know until I started wearing an engagement ring and was playing with it, but my two hands are different enough sizes that left-hand rings don't fit on the right hand. Apparently this is common (like feet!) - so, given that almost no one has an 'engagement finger' ring if they're not engaged, stealing a different ring might not work!

Basically, it's pretty much impossible to find out someone's ring size without them actively participating. I reckon you're best off accepting that you're resizing (if the jeweller you're looking at won't resize for free look again) and then going a bit big. One of my friends tried to guess from his girlfriend's existing rings and it was too small - she was a bit sad that she couldn't even put it on for a picture to show her mum. If in doubt, go bigger, that's my motto!

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