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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother's wedding abroad - aibu?

96 replies

Littleredhouse · 25/05/2016 11:13

My brother is getting married later this year after a long engagement (7 years). He and his fiancee recently talked about getting married abroad - somewhere very exotic and far-flung - just the two of them. This was fine by me and my family as obviously it's their day and I can understand it takes a lot of stress out of it just to elope. We thought we'd just have a little celebration when they returned.

However, I got an email from him recently stating that they'd set the date and booked the wedding in this exotic location, but that fiancee's mum and siblings were coming along. The email said that we were all invited too, but as he well knows the cost of travel and accommodation to this (very expensive) destination are well beyond our means. Fiancee's family are very wealthy so it's not an issue for them.

I'm not upset for myself and my family as we have 2 young kids and a 12 hour plane ride and all the hassle would mean that we would have not attended even it the costs hadn't been astronomical...but I am upset for my mum. She is understandably sad that she will miss out while fiancee's family will be present.

AIBU to think that it's fair enough to elope just the 2 of you, but making it so that only one side of the family can attend is not on. I also feel he could offer to pay for her if he wanted as they are fairly well off themselves.

OP posts:

80Kgirl · 25/05/2016 13:18

YANBU

When it was just the two of them eloping, it was one thing. Now that the bride's family is going, it is cruel to leave the groom's mother out. Choosing a wedding location so exotic that the groom's mother is effectively left out is very bad.

Weddings are about families and relationships.

Your brother and his fiance seem to be prioritising image, luxury and self indulgence over family. Tacky.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 25/05/2016 13:25

She is understandably sad that she will miss out while fiancee's family will be present

Its quite a childish reaction. "I'm fine not going until someone else is going, and then its not fair".....well either you are upset about missing the wedding or you aren't, how do you become upset just because someone else will be there?

holidaysarenice · 25/05/2016 13:25

It's hard because there is always two stories...

Let's imagine the couple saved bloody hard for this and went without famy trips, holidays and occasions, eating value food and not having a car.

Entitled to their dream wedding as they saved...yes?

Now the mother, she could have saved but she likes a night out, new clothes and shoes, drives to work everyday, oh and only works four days at her preference to five? Doesn't throw money away but also enjoys herself.

That's a different story to the feckless well off bride and groom who couldn't care and the poor devastated mummy who gave up her life to work three jobs to see her son go to school with a full belly everyday.

It's about the context.

80Kgirl · 25/05/2016 13:50

I still don't agree holidaysarenice.

They could do all that hard saving for a honeymoon for themselves and have a simple wedding at home where all their family could attend. Honeymoons are time just for the couple. Weddings are not just about a couple but about their wider network of family and friends.

80Kgirl · 25/05/2016 13:51

Eloping is quite different from having just one side of the family penguine.

Micah · 25/05/2016 13:53

on't you just start the discussion with 'we are getting married, just the 2 of us' then tell them when and where, if they say oh we'll come you say 'no honestly its just us 2 , it's a honeymoon too. We'll have a family do when we get back'?

In hindsight, yes. Actually, i'd not have said anything at all and kept it totally secret.

The conversation was actually very brief. I only told them the week before we went. They asked where, i said city x. Next phone call was we're all booked up, see you there.

If I'd honestly thought they would come a) at such short notice, b) at such expense, c) so far, and d) without actually being invited, i'd have kept my mouth shut.

I think the general view of weddings is that theyre public property, and that people only go abroad because they want the beach or the weather, or it's cheaper. Anyone who wants to pay to join them is perfectly entitled and the couple should be grateful they're willing to go.

Micah · 25/05/2016 13:57

Weddings are not just about a couple but about their wider network of family and friends

Really? So if you dont invite anyone to your wedding it's ok for people to invite themselves because it's about them, not you.

Iwasbornin1993 · 25/05/2016 13:59

We're getting married abroad later this year and we would never have booked somewhere that either side of our immediate family couldn't afford. Unless, of course, your DB and his fiancée had stuck to their original plan of eloping just the two of them, I really think they should have taken both families financial situations into consideration!

Hopefully your DB will offer to pay for your DM, would be a shame for her to miss out .

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/05/2016 14:05

Yes it's a shame that mum can't go, but I'm just wondering how much she'd enjoy it anyway if hardly anyone else from "her" side will be there. Even if others chipped in for her to go, isn't there a chance she could feel a bit isolated, especially as the B&G will naturally be wrapped up in each other?

The marriage is about a lot more than just one day (hopefully!!) so maybe they could do something special with her when they return?

DinosaursRoar · 25/05/2016 14:07

If the flights for just your Mum would be £1k, assuming approx another £1k for hotel, then while it's a lot, it's not a rediculous amount in terms of wedding costs, your DB might well be prepared to stump up some/all of it if you explain how upset your Mum is.

That said, the "Weddings are about families" line always grates with me, for some people weddings are about 2 families coming together, for other people it's about 2 people making a legal and emotional commitment to each other, which has little to do with their extended families (and older couples who've lived together for a long time are more likely to be in the latter group, seeing it as a private decision they have made, not really about their families).

We did want the traditional wedding in front of family and friends, but that's not for everyone.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 25/05/2016 14:11

Weddings are not just about a couple but about their wider network of family and friends

Only if the couple choose it to be about them too. Weddings are of course about the couple, they are the only essential element.

80Kgirl · 25/05/2016 14:17

for some people weddings are about 2 families coming together, for other people it's about 2 people making a legal and emotional commitment to each other, which has little to do with their extended families

Except for this family which is a distinctly one sided affair.

ZenNudist · 25/05/2016 14:18

If just ring him up and give him a piece of your mind. He's selfish and thoughtless and you need to stick up for your mum.

I have a selfish sister and I've called her on it a few times and she's much better now. I bet if you set him right he will do the right thing.

Lweji · 25/05/2016 14:23

Maybe, possibly, ask the brother what the story is first? Just a thought.

MissBattleaxe · 25/05/2016 14:48

Because it goes from an intimate "just us" thing to a wedding with family members from only one side. That would upset me if it was my son and it's very easy to see how it would upset OP's Mum. It's not childish at all.

NameChange30 · 25/05/2016 15:00

YY. Only on AIBU is it "childish" to be upset that you can't go to your own son's wedding when the bride's parents are going.

LagunaBubbles · 25/05/2016 15:32

well either you are upset about missing the wedding or you aren't, how do you become upset just because someone else will be there?

Do you understand anything about emotions Penguin? You really cant see how it would be hurtful to someone when they arent invited to their own childs wedding but other persons parents are? There is no way on this earth being upset in this situation is a "childish" reaction, its a perfectly normal human reaction.

LineyReborn · 25/05/2016 15:37

Agreed. It's not about missing it - it's about being effectively excluded from it on the basis of wealth.

OllyBJolly · 25/05/2016 15:42

I agree with posters saying that a wedding is not all about the B&G. It is cruel to cut the mother out of a family celebration - which is effectively what they are doing. Yes, he may be being bullied into it by his ILs but he must realise the hurt he's causing. I really don't get this "But we want to be King and Queen on our special day" shit. If the B&G don't fork out for the mum , then it would be good if the rest of the family did. If you all put in what you would spend attending a UK wedding - outfit, travel, accommodation and drinks, it's likely you would easily cover the cost of her trip. And it would be a lovely thing to do.

But then I think all weddings abroad are selfish We paid for our families to come - flights, accommodation, food, everything and it still cost us less than a bigger wedding at home would!

Headofthehive55 · 25/05/2016 16:20

"Olly" it's not the only the cost which I find selfish, it's the need to use up some holiday allowance. I would have to pass on weddings that called for a trip abroad, even if they paid, as it's a struggle to get time together so when we do, we go where we want.

Kittyrobin · 25/05/2016 16:32

Horrible and nasty of them. How cruel to exclude mum like that.
I didn't care about the location of my wedding. I only cared that my loved ones were there with me.
This is selfish and inconsiderate.

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