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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother's wedding abroad - aibu?

96 replies

Littleredhouse · 25/05/2016 11:13

My brother is getting married later this year after a long engagement (7 years). He and his fiancee recently talked about getting married abroad - somewhere very exotic and far-flung - just the two of them. This was fine by me and my family as obviously it's their day and I can understand it takes a lot of stress out of it just to elope. We thought we'd just have a little celebration when they returned.

However, I got an email from him recently stating that they'd set the date and booked the wedding in this exotic location, but that fiancee's mum and siblings were coming along. The email said that we were all invited too, but as he well knows the cost of travel and accommodation to this (very expensive) destination are well beyond our means. Fiancee's family are very wealthy so it's not an issue for them.

I'm not upset for myself and my family as we have 2 young kids and a 12 hour plane ride and all the hassle would mean that we would have not attended even it the costs hadn't been astronomical...but I am upset for my mum. She is understandably sad that she will miss out while fiancee's family will be present.

AIBU to think that it's fair enough to elope just the 2 of you, but making it so that only one side of the family can attend is not on. I also feel he could offer to pay for her if he wanted as they are fairly well off themselves.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 25/05/2016 11:41

And the fact he emailed and didnt phone or say in person says a lot he knows exactly what he has done

ClarkL · 25/05/2016 11:44

I like the idea of everyone clubbing together so your Mum can go.
You either elope and exclude everyone or you take your guests attendance into consideration.
Your brother is being very unfair - don't buy him a present, put it towards your Mum going if you can

blindsider · 25/05/2016 11:44

It is entirely reasonable that they should get married where they want but as soon as it became apparent that it wasn't just the two of them then he should have at least have included his mum in his plans.

I actually think getting married somewhere 'exotic' is a bit wank. Why would you not want friends and family to share in what is meant to be a celebration?

LineyReborn · 25/05/2016 11:45

Have they asked for presents?

darceybussell · 25/05/2016 11:45

I only think it's rude of your brother if he is trying to force your mum to pay to attend. Otherwise it's a shame that your mum can't go but he obviously doesn't think everyone being at the wedding is fundamental. Some people just don't think it's a big deal, especially when they have been together a very long time.

Vardyparty · 25/05/2016 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

juneau · 25/05/2016 11:48

Your poor DM Sad

I think your DB is being an arse. It is their day, yes, but if his fiancee's family are going then its really unfair to exclude her on the basis of cost. If he can afford to pay for her to come, he should. He's only got one DM.

NickiFury · 25/05/2016 11:49

I agree OP. It's thoughtless and selfish. I can't stand this "it's their day it's up to them". Getting married doesn't mean you get to behave like a total ass hat to your nearest and dearest and justify it with a "but it's my wedding day" whine.

Weddings often create so much heartache, especially on MN. I honestly can't be arsed with other people's weddings anymore.

shovetheholly · 25/05/2016 11:51

There are two options here. The first is that it's simply a bit thoughtless. The second is that it's a deliberate setup because they only want her side of the family there. What are relations like between your Mum and the bride-to-be?

ExploraDora · 25/05/2016 11:52

How about clubbing together to pay for your mum to go as your wedding present to him and new wife? The gift of the presence of his mum - or is that too passive aggressive Grin.

DinosaursRoar · 25/05/2016 11:56

I think if the original plan was that just your brother and his bride got married alone, then perhaps the reality is that what they really wanted, they picked a far away place to justify not having guests but that his PILs have imposed so now he feels he has to invite your side - however no guests were factored in when they planned it?

I would call him and ask, as now the situation has changed, would he consider paying for your mum to go as while she'd be ok with noone going, it just being DIL's side does make it seem like it was planned so she couldn't go. Is there anyway you could afford to go alone and so accompany your mum?

There might be cheaper options if there's there's just the 2 of you, cheaper flights on different days, cheaper hotels near by etc. (Obviously if your Mum is travelling alone she probably would prefer to be in the same hotel as your brother and the other wedding guests).

Blimmincheek · 25/05/2016 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinosaursRoar · 25/05/2016 12:02

Oh and be kind to your DB, it could well be that he and SIL have just had their dream elopement ruined by pushy family on her side who have the money to push their way into other people's private wedding, and none of this is planned at all. Find out first before assuming he's planned a wedding his Mum can't attend but others can.

Elle80 · 25/05/2016 12:05

I feel really sorry for your mum. if it were my brother I'd guilt him into paying for her.

TendonQueen · 25/05/2016 12:05

If it's 'not a big deal' that they're getting married, they could have nipped down to the local registry office. Going to an exotic location makes it a big deal. He's being very selfish. I feel sorry for your mum. Like the suggestions of calling him and suggesting he treats his mum to the trip, and of the rest of the family clubbing together for her fare instead of a present.

LagunaBubbles · 25/05/2016 12:07

of course It's unfortunate your Mum can't afford to go but that's just the way it is

I think the point is it doesnt have to be - they chose the expensive location abroad that he must have known his Mum couldn't afford to go to. And yes Ive read all the "their wedding, their choice" posts and Im sure there will be more - I think its a really mean thing to do, choose somewhere you know your Mum cant afford to attend but your future in-laws will be able to...I dont care how much of a "dream" location it is, it wouldnt be much of a dream if my Mum or Dad couldnt have been there.

MidnightAura · 25/05/2016 12:07

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I'm getting married this year and when we considered marrying abroad we decided not too because my parents wouldn't be able to afford it.

LagunaBubbles · 25/05/2016 12:08

It's thoughtless and selfish. I can't stand this "it's their day it's up to them". Getting married doesn't mean you get to behave like a total ass hat to your nearest and dearest and justify it with a "but it's my wedding day" whine

Couldnt agree more.

Original poster
Littleredhouse · 25/05/2016 12:09

It's a nice idea to club together to get her there, but we really don't have anywhere near the money required. Flights alone are well over a grand. We could offer a contribution though as our wedding gift. Maybe they'll think about paying the rest.

I'm trying to put myself in his position and see it from his viewpoint but I really couldn't see myself making it so that only one side of the family could attend - it's just really unfair imo.

To be honest, I was a bit put out to hear about it via email but to be fair to them, they both work abroad a lot so phone calls can be difficult.

Glad that I'm not BU anyway, judging by most of the mn opinion!

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 25/05/2016 12:09

Dinasaur you are probably right the inlaws have said oh we will come after all they want to see their dd/sister get married but i do think its cowardly to email and selfish not to include his mum its probably just spiraled

Lweji · 25/05/2016 12:11

I think you really need to talk to him and figure out what happened and suggest to him that he softens the blow to your mother.

NameChange30 · 25/05/2016 12:13

If I were you I'd reply to his email and ask when he's free for a phone call. If you're going to tell him your mum will be upset, and encourage him to pay for her to go, it would be much better to have the discussion by phone.

gamerchick · 25/05/2016 12:13

I'd be ringing him tbh and telling him he's upset the mothership and could you all maybe put your heads together to chip in so she could go.

If he refuses then at least he could do is not rub her nose in it that only the well off can afford to attend her sons wedding.

NameChange30 · 25/05/2016 12:13

Cross post with Lweji! YY

Curiousmum69 · 25/05/2016 12:14

My friend had choosen to get married abroad for exactly that reason. She knows the in laws can't afford it and she doesn't want them there.

Sad but true.

I actually do think people should be a little considerate when they get married. However sometimes people are just plain horrible and you don't want them their.

What are things like between the families outside the wedding?

Do they get together regually. Have nice family gatherings?