Brother's wedding abroad - aibu?

[Littleredhouse]

My brother is getting married later this year after a long engagement (7 years). He and his fiancee recently talked about getting married abroad - somewhere very exotic and far-flung - just the two of them. This was fine by me and my family as obviously it's their day and I can understand it takes a lot of stress out of it just to elope. We thought we'd just have a little celebration when they returned.

However, I got an email from him recently stating that they'd set the date and booked the wedding in this exotic location, but that fiancee's mum and siblings were coming along. The email said that we were all invited too, but as he well knows the cost of travel and accommodation to this (very expensive) destination are well beyond our means. Fiancee's family are very wealthy so it's not an issue for them.

I'm not upset for myself and my family as we have 2 young kids and a 12 hour plane ride and all the hassle would mean that we would have not attended even it the costs hadn't been astronomical...but I am upset for my mum. She is understandably sad that she will miss out while fiancee's family will be present.

AIBU to think that it's fair enough to elope just the 2 of you, but making it so that only one side of the family can attend is not on. I also feel he could offer to pay for her if he wanted as they are fairly well off themselves.

A friend of mine was unable to travel for health reasons and one of her children got married abroad - she was upset but didn't tell them. I really felt for her. IMO, it is mean of your brother to leave his mum out. If you have guests, it's not an elopement.

I don't think it was selfish of him to book his wedding for a far-flung location.

But I do think its out of order for him and his bride to 'allow' her family to attend, in the knowledge that DBs Mum will not be able to go. The couple should have made it clear that the wedding was for the 2 of them only.

I think you should contact your DB and make it clear how hurtful this must be for your Mum. Give him the benefit of the doubt about the original intentions, but spell out the impact of the situation to him.

I suspect he's embarrassed about how things have turned out, but not (for whatever reason) stood up to his bride and her family and highlighted the unfairness your DM must be feeling.

Is it Maui?

YANBU. It is very much like he doesn't really give a shit that his family can't go. They knew that before they booked it and invited the ILs. Very selfish. But then I think all weddings abroad are selfish.

I've declined a wedding abroad. Would cost a good few 1000 for us to go. But it's ok as we were given a time limit to save up . Funnily enough I have other priorities. It does annoy me that the people the B and G really want there are all forking out 1000s to go but tough shit to the rest of us.

I bet its the seychelles thats 12hour flight

I feel sorry for your mum, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Either it's just the two of them, or it's a family thing. Half a family thing doesn't feel fair at all. Your poor mum :(

I am on the fence with this one.

I believe it IS the couples choice as to where they get married. We don't know the ins and outs of this though - maybe the brother and his fiancée planned a far flung destination thinking nobody would go then though oh shit when her parents said 'We're coming' so of course then felt obliged to invite the rest. They should of been stronger If that's the case then and said NO we are doing it alone.

I don't believe anybody should expect an invite to anybody's wedding. Its an honour to be asked. I would prob go as far as saying parents too? Cant people just respect other peoples decisions these days?!

I can imagine being the mum and feeling so hurt to be left out. Over money.

She probably sacrificed a lot for her son (hence her lack of money now).

This is exactly what happened with my brother>

maybe the brother and his fiancée planned a far flung destination thinking nobody would go then though oh shit when her parents said 'We're coming' so of course then felt obliged to invite the rest.

Our family didn't go - no one could afford it and we knew the couple would rather be alone really - bad enough to have one lot invite themselves along let alone end up with the other lot too. Also SILs family are a nightmare and no one wanted to be on holiday with them

We watched on the internet and it was lovely.

I don't believe anybody should expect an invite to anybody's wedding. Its an honour to be asked. I would prob go as far as saying parents too? Cant people just respect other peoples decisions these days?!

I couldnt disagree with you more, of course parents should expect an invite to their childrens wedding (unless there are issues in the relationship obviously). Weddings are about families coming together with a them of love, why wouldn't you want your parents there? And people can "respect" these type of decisions - what the people on the other "side" have to realise is there will be consequences, you cant make these type of decisions and expect other people not to be affected emotionally by them, especially when its a close relationship like your Mum.

Did the bride and groom invite the bride's mum and siblings, or did they invite themselves? I think this information is important to know. Phone him and ask.

But I do think its out of order for him and his bride to 'allow' her family to attend, in the knowledge that DBs Mum will not be able to go.

May not be about "allowing"

I booked my wedding a 10 hr flight away. Booked, told everyone we were off to x location to get married.

My family immediately decided they were coming and booked flights and hotel. No asking. Short of telling them point blank they weren't welcome not much i could do.

Lagunabubbles
I get your point however I meant surely when a couple announce their engagement people shouldn't automatically assume they are going to be getting married in their country and that they will be invited?! Surely its up to the couple to decide and if that decision is to get married abroad why should their family automatically think they are invited? Maybe they want a wedding just the 2 of them and will tell the parents that? Of course there will be consequences - but its still the COUPLES choice.

Micah

YES! this - why should they assume they are invited?! I find it interfering & rude if I am honest. Maybe I am just super independent or something?! m

That happened to a cousin of mine was going abroad just them then family started booking flights and hotels eek. Dd doesnt want a big wedding wants to go abroad but i can see some people wanting to go and book anyway weddings are a bloody minefield

Yeah, how dare a mother assume she will be invited to her child's wedding, how unreasonable is that!

I think you're right OP. I plan on "eloping" (if we ever get around to it) but I wouldn't let anyone come as it's not fair if some can come and some can't. Agree it's your brother's choice where to get married but feel for your mum not being able to attend on cost grounds when the other family are going.

I plan not to tell anyone though so that will avoid this sort of situation.

Of course there will be consequences - but its still the COUPLES choice

Yes I agree with that - but I dont get people who put an exotic location over their loved ones, I really dont. Relationships mean more to me than any "dream" location.

Eloping is not unreasonable. Neither is getting married somewhere far flung and expensive.

What IS unreasonable, inconsiderate and hurtful is having a wedding that you invite parents and siblings to knowing that only one side of the family can actually attend.

I feel your mum has been very insensitively - and not altogether honestly - treated.

It was presented to her in the first instance as a 'private' wedding. She wasn't invited (and therefore didn't even have a chance to save).

Now she learns that the wedding is in fact public, but is being held somewhere that she could not afford to go.

And she carried him and brought him up. What despicable selfishness and a disrespectful slight on his part. I also don't think his fiance can be very nice. If this is the shape of things to come, I feel sorry for you all.

It's also rather distasteful that this plan streamlines the poorer relatives out of the picture on what should be a day when both families celebrate together.

Rank.

An "honour" to be asked?

An honour to spend hundreds maybe even thousands of £ to celebrate someone else's choice to have a big wedding.

Sorry, no. I am doing them a favour by going.

Obviously when he decided on the far flung wedding he knew his family wouldn't be able to attend but her side would. They both knew that when they decided on it. It certainly won't have been a surprise to them to know that his girlfriends side were coming. Not nice at all.

Awful behaviour on the part of your brother
I struggle with the abroad thing unless you elope or people can afford it

If I were your DB's in-laws, I'd be really uncomfortable about attending the wedding knowing that none of the groom's family, not even his mum, could be there because they simply couldn't afford to go.

Your poor mum- I agree with others that you should ring your brother and see if you can work something out so that she can go.

I do think it's a bit inconsiderate of him - though yes it's his choice and all of that

Not knowing any of the financial situation could there be any way of your mum being helped with the expense of going over there

I do agree if you give the impression to everyone you want an exotic escape all the fuss wedding for only the 2 of you then at the last minute declare half of the brides family are coming it could be hurtful to the grooms immediate family .

That said perhaps your brother hasn't communicated it properly - eg perhaps his fiancée immediate family were always planning to attend but he never told anyone? - or equally perhaps he thought they wouldn't and is equally as shocked at how things have turned out but is powerless to do anything ?

Not a good start to married live - hope they are paying for their own party on their return😀