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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I neglecting DS?

90 replies

PeppaAteMySoul · 24/05/2016 17:39

I have mentioned on here before that my own upbringing was chaotic at best which makes me constantly second guess "normal" patenting and feel guilt/ worry when I can't do it right.

I'm pregnant and today have suffered badly with morning sickness and crippling tiredness. It has been a nightmare looking after my two year old. So mid afternoon I lay him down in my bed next to me and put cartoons on the laptop. It was only meant to be for 20 mins or so while I got a quick rest but I ended up dozing off and woke up an hour later with my son kissing me and telling me to "wake up mummy". It feels so wrong to have fallen asleep when he was in my care and I already felt bad about the cartoon watching anyway. (I try to limit his screen time). I feel awful. Is what I did neglectful?

OP posts:

sharknad0 · 24/05/2016 18:53

Of course it's not neglect. If you had fallen asleep because you've been out all night drinking and were hungover, it would be completely different.

I had the flu with two kids under 3. I did manage to change nappies, feed them and keep them hydrated, but they spent a few days watching tv. They survived, and are not traumatised

I think a house should be childproofed enough for the kids to be exploring everywhere safely when you are not behind them. Unless you lock them in a cage, no parent is behind a child every second of the day. Accidents can always happen unfortunately, but you can reduce the risks as much as possible. Even if you put a gate on a bedroom's door, a child can find a way to go over it if he really wants to.

OP, really don't worry, it's fine.

Cantusethatname · 24/05/2016 18:55

I've got really happy memories of doing that while I was pregnant with DS3. I would put DS 2 to bed (they were v close together in age) and doze off on the sofa with DS1 who was 3. He would watch Noddy and I would sleep. It was really lovely.

Lindt70Percent · 24/05/2016 18:57

I remember doing the exact same thing with my son when I was pg. I woke up to him trying to prise my eyelids open.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 24/05/2016 18:58

Op, I did similar when pregnant for the 2nd time. I'd get to that point in the day when I was just so tired I couldn't cope and ds1 decided to stop his naps! I remember one day, putting a Disney film on and cuddling up on the sofa with him. I was intending to relax and perhaps doze a bit, but I slept through the whole thing. My son didn't appear to notice, he woke me up shifting about as the film ended. He enjoyed the film, I felt a lot better for the nap!

WreckingBallsInsideMyHead · 24/05/2016 19:02

Putting your own needs first when those needs are some sleep, something to eat, using the toilet, showering etc (ie actual needs) is fine

Putting your own needs first when it's things that you pretty much can't avoid like work, buying food, cooking etc is also fine

Putting your own wants first occasionally is also fine, as long as your child is cared for properly (eg parents have a rare night out while DC are with loving Grandparents overnight) is also fine

ALWAYS putting your own wants above your child's needs is neglect. Not even thinking about your child's needs is neglect.

You are putting your need for sleep first, while ensuring your son is safe and happy. And you're worried about neglecting him. You're doing just fine. You're certainly not neglecting him! And he woke you up with kisses so I don't think he thinks he's neglected either!

Agree with pp suggestion of setting an alarm and checking for danger in the future, but please don't beat yourself up for this!

Skittlesss · 24/05/2016 19:03

My midwife told me to get a playpen and put DD in it when I was pregnant with DS (15 month age gap). That was she could play with her toys or nap whilst I laid on the sofa resting as I was shattered too xx

LieselMeminger · 24/05/2016 19:07

You're not neglecting him at all.
Many (all?) of us have done the same, try not to feel bad. It's perfectly normal.

getyourfingeroutyournose · 24/05/2016 19:09

You did what you needed to get through the day. It doesn't mean your parents were right though. It sounds like they did it all the time even when there was a serious reason to get an hours kip.

May I suggest a babysitter or someone coming in to help/take the 2 year old out for an hour or so. Even as a one off pretty soon so you may catch up on some sleep? Failing that, a playpen would be good as you sound pretty knackered and you need your strength to get through the rest of the day.

RedToothBrush · 24/05/2016 19:12

You would put a two year old in a separate room when they go to bed.

What's to stop them waking up in the night and maraud through the house whilst you blissfully slept?

You made sure he was safe and settled next to you before hand, and he knew where you were and was able to wake you. He was likely to disturb you if he moved. He was happily snuggled up to you for quiet time.

You did everything you could, but there are limits to what you can physically do. No its not neglect.

UmbongoUnchained · 24/05/2016 19:14

God I do this every morning. My daughter had started waking up at half 6 and that ain't happening for me. She comes in my bed, I shut the door and put CBeebies on and she usually lays there for an hour watching that and playing with my hair while I doze.

WeeHelena · 24/05/2016 19:16

You do what you have to to survive it's not neglect.In this instance you would have most likely had more energy for your ds after the nap.
The thing your parents said isn't right but not completely wrong, as in sometimes kids shouldn't be no1 priority all the time.

On rare occasions I go for a nap if im under the weather or havent slept well and my dd is 5, she usually comes and wakes me for something at regular intervals and I'm a light sleeper.
Chances of something happening are slim and are just as likely to happen when I am awake in another room.

Don't best yourself up!!

RedToothBrush · 24/05/2016 19:16

Failing that, a playpen would be good as you sound pretty knackered and you need your strength to get through the rest of the day

Pahhahahahahah!

My not yet two year old, can get out of a playpen. He can open doors already. Best to get him snuggled up to me and settled with me so he doesn't want to escape and doesn't feel the need to escape! (And would disturb me, if he did decide to go marauding)

JuxtapositionRecords · 24/05/2016 19:18

Op you are not neglecting your DS at all! Please don't worry, he would have love the cartoons snuggled up next to mummy. Plus when the baby comes along, even with the best intentions, the TV will become your best friend for the first couple of months!

whois · 24/05/2016 19:21

You would put a two year old in a separate room when they go to bed.

What's to stop them waking up in the night and maraud through the house whilst you blissfully slept?

Yeah exactly. I don't see what is so bad about getting a child snuggled up with you and having a nap while they watch a film.

Cubtrouble · 24/05/2016 19:21

Relax OP, you're doing just fine, I had feelings of guilt and still do sometimes that one of my kids is neglected while I do something for the other one.
You need to rest, it's equally as important to look after yourself while pregnant, your child watched tv while you slept- that's normal and perfectly fine!

getyourfingeroutyournose · 24/05/2016 19:23

I thought about that for a millisecond Red but I always find that sleeping with DS next to me results in being slapped and informed "It's the morning. We sleep at nighttime" after about 5 minutes :( I would imagine that regardless of where she plops the kid when going for a nap that her house is already childproof having kept one alive for 2 years already though. Hopefully OP can just find a way to get some more sleep without feeling any pangs of guilt. Hoorah for motherhood lol

EatShitDerek · 24/05/2016 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Welshmaenad · 24/05/2016 19:26

People are saying it's fine because it's fine.

I did this a lot with DD (then 3) later in my pregnancy with DS because I was so exhausted. It got me through the day when exH wasn't getting home till after bedtime and I was doing the whole shebang in my own. It was lovely cuddle time actually, and we watched UP a lot. Like, she could actually quote huge chunks of dialogue by the time he was born.

ohtheholidays · 24/05/2016 19:28

No OP you did nothing wrong and I used to teach and I worked with SS.

I bet your DS loved his special time with Mummy.

MrsMook · 24/05/2016 19:31

I had many a "CBeebies nap" in my second pregnancy. First there was the sickness/ nausea phase, then after some respite there was the late pregnancy/ SPD/ exhaustion phase. On balance by having some rest, it is of better service to the family unit than running yourself into the ground being a martyr. Sleep deprivation is an effective form of torture.

Janecc · 24/05/2016 19:31

I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME) and I got extremely ill when DD was 3. At that stage, I regularly went to bed for an hour in the day. I had no choice. I wish it were different but it isn't. I didn't and don't neglect DD. She watches more tv than I would like. I do make sure she does a lot of activities as I find it less exhausting to take her somewhere and watch her doing something she enjoys than playing with her. I would love to be whizzing around with her, having fun packed holidays, going on adventures and bike rides, I just can't. We all do what we have to do. So don't beat yourself up. This is called self care and if you aren't looking after yourself, you can't look after your ds.

runningincircles12 · 24/05/2016 19:33

I don't understand why everyone is saying it is fine to have a two year old who might get up and either fall down the stairs, or go out the front door, or I don't know any number of dangerous things. He's two

Haaa, so do you stay awake all night, watching over your child/ren? Because you do realise that at two, they could get out of bed and fall down the stairs and get out of the front door and any number of dangerous things, right? Maybe OP's child would have started playing with the knives/matches/syringes that were undoubtedly scattered around her house.

OP, I genuinely would not give it a second thought.

DerelictMyBalls · 24/05/2016 19:36

You sound like you're doing a great job, OP, give yourself a break.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/05/2016 19:40

seacabbage

You have made a massive assumption that the op does not have a secure house,that she has made no effort to prep her enviroment and make it as safe as can be reasonably expected.

Given that the majority of parents especially ones who are so aware of their own neglectful upbringing and have identified it and are concerned about repeating it will do what is possible to have safe environments for their own children it's highly likely to be a incorrect assumption.

waterrat · 24/05/2016 19:54

just to join the chorus that this is really really normal. WHen I was pregnant with DC 2 I had that unbelievable tiredness too - my son could climb out of his cot by then so even if he had a nap he wasnt safe! I would get him into bed with me, put a DVD on and fall asleep with him next to me ..

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