To have asked exh to collect ds early?

[januaryblues11]

On Friday night, ds had a sickness bug. He woke up at 3.30 vomiting, and it went on until 6. During this time, he was very well looked after by me and dp.

A bit of background - I suffer emetophobia, which is a fear of vomit. It's pretty crippling. It's because of this that I share custody of ds (5) with exh. It means that I only spend half of my week panicking at night rather than the whole week. However this also leads me to constantly feel like I'm letting my boy down. My exh frequently tells me I am an unfit mother because of my phobia. Me and my boy love each other very much.

My dp has 3 kids who spend every other Saturday and Sunday with us. Because ds was being sick into Saturday morning I called exh in the morning and asked that he pick him up and keep for the rest of the weekend so that dps kids didn't get it. One of his children is diabetic so stomach bugs can be dangerous.

My exh went crazy calling me a terrible mother and how could he trust me with ds when I can't look after him when he's sick? I told him he'd stopped being sick and that it was to make sure dps dd wasn't exposed but he said that it wasn't his problem and he didn't give a shit if the kid got ill.

He did eventually collect ds but told me he's taking my overnights with ds away because of it. It's the first time in 3 years I've asked that ds be picked up. I get 2 to 3 nights a week with ds and they mean everything to me. Do I deserve to lose them over this?

[daydreamnation]

The part I'm struggling to understand is the prioritising of dps children? Does his daughter go to school? Presumably so, my dh is a life long diabetic and certainly attended school. Even with type 1 (which dh has) there is absolutely no need to be so over the top.
Your ds should have been put first, I totally understand you have a phobia but it sounds like your dp was ensuring you didn't suffer too much and was helping to care for him?

[Stillunexpected]

I am very sorry for you, it sounds hellish, but quite apart from playing into your exh's hands, what kind of message are you sending to your son who is ill and who, in his eyes, has been packed off back to his dad when he probably really just wanted to stay in bed? I agree with those who say that you need to go back and try some further treatment for your emetophobia.

[curren]

I am sorry but (while I think your ex h was unkind) I can understand why this pissed off your sons father.

You prioritised your dps kids and wanted to send your son off early because they were coming. One of his children may be diabetic, but unless they live in a bubble they will catch bugs. Does that child go to school?

I am sorry your phobia is damaging your life. But I can also understand the exs point of view.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

I think YABU. Your DS is sick and he shouldn't have to leave his home because of this. You should be putting your own child's wellbeing first (and you have a damn good reason to do so).
What do you think parents of children who have just resident children living with them and one child gets ill? There is no other home to conveniently send them to.
All that I can see here is that your DSCs are snowflakes/royalty who seemingly need to be shielded away from your poorly DS. Have you considered them not coming for a few days if them not being around DS is so important? Because if anything that is that fairest way to go about it.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

💐 it sounds like you are doing the best YOU can.

Some people struggle more than others with all kinds of things.

There are several reasons why your ex has full residency. Some justified, but some maybe not. He sounds aggressive and nasty. Calling you an unfit mother because of your phobia is nasty. He shouts & threatens - that's not helping & is pretty abusive begphaviour towards the mother of your child.

I 'get' that he's probably pissed off that you wanted him to pick DS up early so that your DP's DD didn't risk gettng it. He might have had other plans, or just planned to sleep/relax/go out with a mate. But he could have said no, without being so aggressive.

Your phobia does need sorting out, don't give up, keep trying - for your DS if nothing else. However, if your DP is ok with dealing with the problem, then your phobia needn't be a barrier to you having DS more often, building up to 50/50 shared care as that seems like what your DS would like. What other things prevent you having DS 50/50?

[curren]

Sorry, I don't think you deserve to have your nights taken away, if this is a one off. But you need to do something.

Like have your dp to agree to look after him when he is being sick. You can't just ship him off everytime he is ill or it inconveniences your step children. You and your dp need to be able to look after him and put him first.

[curren]

Can I ask, is the custody arrangement court ordered or a private agreement between you?

Is your ex the RP and in receipt of child benefit etc?

[ApocalypseNowt]

If your stance is "I cannot be helped" then there's not really much else to say.

Try and use this incident as the catalyst to getting over (to a reasonable extent) your phobia. Instead of directing your anger at your ex, direct it at your phobia and get stuck in exploring all options to help you.

If hypnotherapy didn't help, try a different hypnotherapist. Give CBT a go. Go to your DP and see what else is available.

You have to believe getting over your phobia is a choice. Quite simply if you don't...it won't be.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

curren OP mentioned that her ex has court-ordered residency, but that the contact isn't court-ordered :)

[user1464088152]

It's a private arrangement, but ex is forever threatening it. I was half an hour late returning ds the other week due to being in a restaurant and the waiter taking a long time with the cheque. I text ex to let him know and he then plagued me with texts every 5 minutes demanding that ds "be returned immediately" and that "even 5 minutes of lateness is unacceptable" ds was in tears because he wanted to go and look at a fountain and I had to say no because ex was threatening to not let me see ds the next day if I was even one minute later than half an hour.

Most of the time I don't feel like ds mum. I feel like he's a beautiful thing that I don't deserve and can't do right by. He tells me that when he grows up he's going to live with me. But I have mental illness, frequently think about suicide and (usually after I feel I have let ds down) I self harm.

Ds is with the right person. I am my own worst enemy.

[curren]

curren OP mentioned that her ex has court-ordered residency, but that the contact isn't court-ordered :

Thank you. I missed that. But I don't really understand it. Does it mean he doesn't have to allow the boy to stay with her at all?

Surely the courts don't give residency to the other parent if you have a phobia? I have never been through this so don't know.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Are you in therapy at the moment, OP? Or is all the help you got in the past?

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

In the kindest possible way, your posts are very self-pitying and will not do you any favours. You need to find solutions, not just lament about was has happened in the past and what's happening now. I fully understand your ex's point of view tbh, I think though that it's sad your ds doesn't get to see you more.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

Poor little boy; sick half the night and then turfed out of his bed and sent to his reluctant father because he might infect the step children in his own home.

[curren]

This is a difficult one to call.

If a woman came here and posted from you exs point of view, I would give her sympathy. I am not comfortable with you telling your ds that he can't go see the fountain because his dad is threatening to not let him see you.

I can't quite workout, wether the ex is a shit. Or just at the end of his tether. But I do think you were wrong to put your dps kids in front of your own.

[user1464088152]

I didn't tell ds that was the reason. It just was. All I said to him that we couldn't go to the fountain as we were late.

I'm not trying to self pitying. I know I was U. I thought I was doing the right thing as last time dp dd had a bug she was in hospital.

And I did not throw ds out of bed. He was up, feeling better and watching cartoons when ex got here. And he was very pleased to see his dad. He was a bit miffed about not seeing dps kids is all as he really loves them.

I am angry with myself. I just completed yet another round of therapy and thought I was stronger but I can't explain what happens to me when someone is sick around me, I have panic attacks and can hardly move. And I let my boy down, I know that.

[CaptainMarvelDanvers]

I'm trying to write this post without giving you a bit of bashing.

People are flawed, everyone of us could do with improving ourselves in someway. You love your son but it sounds that maybe you put your/DPs needs and wants above your sons, most likely subconsciously.

What is done is done, all you can do is try to improve yourself and make a conscious effort to see things from all angles. I don't think you deserve a bashing but I also don't think your ex deserves a bashing because I'm sure he has a completely different story, and the truth probably lies in between.

I think you need to stop putting yourself in the role of the victim and the mindset that you can't control anything which happens. You need to stop beating yourself up and get help whether if it's just for your phobia or for other issues in your life, for example it sounds that you have low self-esteem.

[curren]

He got upset because you were late? Well that's life.

I took your post about the to mean he was upset because he thought he wouldn't see you.

I am struggling to believe the waiter took that long to get your bill it made you half an hour late and suspect your ex doesn't either. Surely you asked for your bill in plenty of time to get to the fountain and be on time to get him home.

If it takes, say, 15 minutes to get to exs house you would have asked for the bill a good 30/40 mins before you were due to take him home so he could see the fountain.

Perhaps your ex feels you purposely ignore arrangements and that you undermine him.

I don't want to hurt you. But you do come across as though everything is out of your control and everything is happening to you, rather than you participating in life. Until you accept your role in these situations it will never be resolved.

[curren]

Also does your dps child go to school? Does their sibling go to school?

They can't avoid being poorly. They are all your kids. What happens if that child's sibling is ill?

[BillSykesDog]

Right. So. Being practical here and looking at things as they are. You struggle with DS being sick. Ex is gets fed up with being mucked around with contact. Late returns, sending home early.

Re sending home early: you need to accept that during your time DS's care is your responsibility. So you need to look at the help available to you without resorting to curtailing contact. Whether that means DP stepping up, or even arranging help with friends/relatives then that's what you do.

Re late returns. You need to aim for being ready for return half an hour before it happens. So if something unavoidable happens then you have a buffer of time. The fountains, that's just parenting. I've had to tell my DS half a dozen times today that we can't do things. You simply can't fit everything they want to do in sometimes.

But I do think that these are relatively simple things to sort out, and not coping with them does give the sense that you're not coping with the contact generally so your ex does have a right to be concerned.

You need to show that you can cope. You do seem to have a tendency to catastrophize things and mould them all into one big unmanageable mass. Take a step back, look at these as individual incidents rather than conflating them.

Lateness can be solved by planning ahead and leaving more time.

You and DP can come up with plans for him to support you if sickness happens.

If you're worried about his children being infected then you can look at perhaps organising alternative childcare for them occasionally with GP or relatives, friends so that contact is minimised.

But it seems like what you are doing at the moment, just giving up and calling your ex, is the worst thing you can do. It's unfair on him and is sending a message that you're not coping.

[WannaBe]

I'm guessing that there is far more of a back story here which the OP isn't confident sharing here, because it's actually pretty rare for residency to be awarded to the father with no court ordered contact to the mother.

When you went to court OP, what was said about contact? Why did the courts not award you even any contact? Why has this all been given to the control of your eXH?

curren is right in that you are making this all about you, when actually this should be all about your DS. depression can be hard, but if you tell yourself and the world that you can't be helped, then you have already set yourself up to fail.

If DS needed to be returned at a specific time then you were wrong to leave it until the last minute to get the bill, so much so that you didn't even have time to see the fountains. It sounds as if this was deliberate on your part, even if subconsciously, so you could tell yourself that your eXH is making things so difficult that you couldn't even take DS to see the fountains, even though you were the one who left it until the last minute.

You're setting things up in such a way that your eXH is becoming exasperated with you and telling you you're a bad mother, which in turn is justifying your self deprication. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, see? If you push the limit then he tells you you're a bad mother, and that justifies your self belief, so you push the limit again, and so on. You want him to believe that you are a bad mother, so you act in such a way as to fulfill that belief in him. You need to stop that now..

[mummyto2monkeys]

I'm sorry but you are being ridiculous, I agree with your ex. Why are you more concerned about your partners children than your own little boy? How can you let this phobia tear your child away from you? You seriously need to get help.

You say that your care arrangements mean you only have to spend a few nights worrying. Is your son a child with cyclical vomiting syndrome? Is there a reason why he is more likely to be sick than you, your dp or your dp's children are? Why are you only anxious when your son is with you? You have stated yourself that you are free from worry the rest of the time. I personally think this speaks volumes, this situation is more about you not coping with the responsibility of looking after your own son.

You need counselling and anti anxiety medication, this is more about your mental health issues than your phobias. Your phobia is a secondary issue to your severe anxiety. Are you on any medication for your anxiety? Have you seen a psychiatrist to work on your severe anxiety issues ?

How did you cope with morning sickness or your son as a baby positing. I had emetiphobia as well as a severe fear of needles, I conquered both. It wasn't easy but the urge to protect my child won the day. Phobias can be conquered, I went from severe panic attacks at the thought of being sick or having a needle (blood test/ injections), to self administering dalteparin blood thinning injections(twice a day) throughout both pregnancies and for six weeks after. My daughter was lactose intolerant and spent her first three months screaming and vomiting spectacularly, I coped! When my babies are sick now I rub their backs, cuddle them and reassure them. You can conquer this! I am on anti-anxiety medication now and it has made a massive improvement to the quality of my life.

I can't blame your ex for wanting to remove your over overnight access, you need to show him that you are working to improve this awful situation. Your phobia and mental health issues are seriously impacting on your son. Your ex is the one who will have to reassure your son when he cries because Mummy has sent him home because he is sick. When my babies are ill, even at almost nine and six they sleep with me, they want me! It is natural that a sick child wants his Mother when he is ill. You need to fight this, you can fight it!

[user1464088152]

Thank you everyone, for your input. I do feel bad about it. I really do. I panicked and lost control of the situation.

My ex makes it his mission in life to undermine me at any opportunity. He's very controlling and domineering. He took over so much, ever since ds was born, I never felt like I had the chance to properly 'develop' as a mother iyswim? So consequently I do struggle with things like sickness, also discipline - ds gets away with murder with me, and I know he doesn't with ex. I just feel so guilty that I lost him in the first place.

The truth is I made an attempt on my life 3 years ago which is why I lost him in the first place. I regret it bitterly as I feel my life took a very scary and unexpected turn after that and I struggle all the time with feelings of guilt and worthlessness as I had one job, to be a good mum, and I screwed it up. Ex was thrilled when this happened and barely a day goes by when he doesn't flaunt the fact he has residency and I don't.

Ds was with me again today, we went to the park and the beach and he had a brilliant time. He's asleep now cuddled up with his cats and I know he knows I love him so it helps.

Thank you again I will take it all on board.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

OP, you need to go back to your GP and push for more counselling. I understand you've had therapy etc. already but you oviously need some more help if you're still feeling so overwhelmed.

I'll be honest, it doesn't sound like your ex is domineering. It sounds like he's worried about his son's welfare (understandably, considering your mental health) and therefore wants to know he's looked after properly. I'm not saying you can't look after your son, but you have to see it from your ex's viewpoint.

You must have been struggling pretty badly for a court to have given your ex custody and that's by no means a dig at you. Have you gotten all the help you're entitled to? Counselling, therapy, help from social services, etc.? If the waiting list is long on the NHS, could you afford to go private, perhaps?

I think it's really important you get help for your DS's sake as you're obviously really struggling and you deserve to be happier. I don't think you're a bad person or a bad mum, you're ill. Depression is an illness, but you CAN get it under control and be okay again. Medication, therapy etc. can all help. I used to suffer from awful anxiety and couldn't even get out of bed on some days, but a combination of therapy and citalopram really, really helped me.

There is help out there, please don't be afraid to access it