To have asked exh to collect ds early?

[januaryblues11]

On Friday night, ds had a sickness bug. He woke up at 3.30 vomiting, and it went on until 6. During this time, he was very well looked after by me and dp.

A bit of background - I suffer emetophobia, which is a fear of vomit. It's pretty crippling. It's because of this that I share custody of ds (5) with exh. It means that I only spend half of my week panicking at night rather than the whole week. However this also leads me to constantly feel like I'm letting my boy down. My exh frequently tells me I am an unfit mother because of my phobia. Me and my boy love each other very much.

My dp has 3 kids who spend every other Saturday and Sunday with us. Because ds was being sick into Saturday morning I called exh in the morning and asked that he pick him up and keep for the rest of the weekend so that dps kids didn't get it. One of his children is diabetic so stomach bugs can be dangerous.

My exh went crazy calling me a terrible mother and how could he trust me with ds when I can't look after him when he's sick? I told him he'd stopped being sick and that it was to make sure dps dd wasn't exposed but he said that it wasn't his problem and he didn't give a shit if the kid got ill.

He did eventually collect ds but told me he's taking my overnights with ds away because of it. It's the first time in 3 years I've asked that ds be picked up. I get 2 to 3 nights a week with ds and they mean everything to me. Do I deserve to lose them over this?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Op you may be the wrong person, but have you posted about this a few years ago on (whispers) netmums? It's so similar and always stuck with me for some reason.

[BillSykesDog]

He took over so much, ever since ds was born, I never felt like I had the chance to properly 'develop' as a mother iyswim? So consequently I do struggle with things like sickness, also discipline - ds gets away with murder with me, and I know he doesn't with ex.

He didn't 'take over' though did he? You have made it very clear on this thread that you really do struggle sometimes and it sounds like he really didn't have much choice. You struggling with sickness and discipline is not his fault. Blaming him for any struggles you're having as a parent is useless and unconstructive. It's not going to make anything better for anybody, least of all you and DS.

You need to focus on the things you can do to make things better for you and your son rather than abdicating responsibility and just saying every is your exes fault.

You need to deal with your phobia and MH issues. You need to work out how to discipline effectively. You need to take sensible steps to stick to the letter of agreed contact.

You need to step up and take responsibility for your son's sake. Stop behaving as if everything that happens in your life is due to outside forces and take some control. Your DS deserves that.

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

I freely admit that I have only read the first page of this thread, but it made me so mad I couldn't read any further.

You share responsibility for your son with your ex - that's important and you aren't letting your son down by doing so. This kind of every day sexism pisses me off. Its not like you're shipping your son off to all and sundry.... his other parent is looking after him!

Secondly, a phobia is an ANXIETY DISORDER. An actual MENTAL ILLNESS that when severe can be classed as a DISABILITY.

I'm utterly horrified at the suggestion that something like this can just 'get sorted'.

OP - you know your medical situation and I don't think anyone should be judging you for taking steps to manage this in your life. Although, like others, I would encourage you not to give up on what can sometimes be a difficult healthcare system.

Anyway, I think much of the background isn't really relevant to the nub of the question you are asking.

So with respect to this particular issue - I think YABU in that you need to take responsibility for the time you do have your son. Illness shouldn't be a reason to go back early. Kids get sick all the time for a number of reasons. You can't protect your DPs daughter from it and it coyld have been managed by keeping your son in his bedroom.

However, the reaction that your ex has had, and threats to stop access, seem to be quite an OTT reaction. Is there a siffixult relationship between you.

[ArmfulOfRoses]

Op have you thought about a parenting class/course?

I think it could really boost your confidence and self esteem.

[Vickyyyy]

I have never heard of another person who suffers emetophobia before. Its such a terrible phobia. I can never fully enjoy myself if I am out incase someone pukes near me..and its always there in the back of my mind. If I watch a film where someone pukes in it, I have the image in my head for weeks and weeks and I get really panicky and stuff. I know its stupid and irrational but I can't change it :(

I have never had an occurrence where I have been alone with the kids and they have been sick (except as little babies, which oddly enough didn't bother me? Maybe coz its just milk) ..and honestly I don't know how I would handle it.

[Albadross]

Surely you having depression can't have affected custody OP? Millions of parents have depression!

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Of course depression can affect custody. There's a big difference between having depression that's well-managed by medication, and depression that causes suicidal thoughts and self-harm.

There's also a big difference between being in a stable marriage where one person has depression, and being a single-parent with severe depression/suicidal thoughts/tendencies.

I have depression but it's managed with medication and regular check-ups with my GP. I don't suffer to the extent that the OP does. I don't think many parents would be happy if their child was in the sole care of someone who self-harmed and frequently thought about suicide - both things OP freely admits to.

That's not a dig at OP, she's clearly very unwell, but the courts need to put the child's welfare first. He has another parent who is mentally stable and capable of putting his needs first, therefore it's best he lives with that parent while his mother gets help.

I would be worried if such severe depression didn't affect custody cases, actually.

[Lymmmummy]

It sounds as if you are dealing with lots of internalised issues

Your ex has been left with the burden of being up your son while you deal with these

Ever thought how hard it must be for him to do this? Ever considered his feelings?

Really no idea if he is a bully or whatever - and I am not underestimating your illnesses but I think a lot of your stories about why he is supposedly being nasty could be seen differently

He only gets a night or two off a week he agrees on your requesting it that you have DS - then because of s relatively minor illness (you say yourself your DS was watching to in his pyjamas when ex picked him up) - you want ex to stop all his plans immediately to accommodate your step daughter - why couldn't she have been the one to go home? Secondly being half an hour late because of the waiter is 5 minutes late - perhaps this is a one off perhaps ex is irritated that he had allowed you access just for you to take advantage

Ex has custody legally - you need to build his trust in the way you deal with DS in order to increase likelihood of seeing him more - simple as that / can definitely see his side of things if it were me I would be very bloody annoyed about if - you come across as a bit self indulgent -

[OMalleyTheAlleycat11]

Considered his feelings? Thats funny.

This is a man who has ground me down to virtually nothing, who, when I ask for some extra time with my son says things like "I might think about it but I want you to beg me first" then after I have says no. Who moved my sons Dr surgery without telling me. Who refuses to let me phone my own son to say goodnight. Who accused me of causing my son to be ill in the first place with my 'dirty house and rotten food'. My house is not dirty and food not rotten. I truly do not care how 'hard' he has it.

Anyway I have requested this thread to be deleted as without anyone really knowing what ex is like, I cannot be seeing people feeling sorry for him. He is a terrible person.

[OohMavis]

To be fair, OP (whichever username you're using now, bit confusing!) we're only empathising with a version of your ex you portrayed.

I believe you when you say there's more to the story. There always is. But you can't blame or attack posters for trying to be fair, especially when there's dripfeeding.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

With all due respect op, you never mentioned any of those issues in your previous posts. It's quite difficult to follow this thread btw because you've namechanged three times, not sure of you realise you did?

[curren]

OP. Firstly, it's difficult to follow a thread when you continually name change.

Secondly all your posts are about how everything is never your fault. It was the waiters fault you were late, for example. It's not hard to think that while the truth is probably somewhere in the middle of your version and your ex version, that you don't take responsibility for things that have happened.

I don't know if you ex is a bully. But I can see you don't take responsibility for anything that happens to you. Even though this is having a knock on effect on your son. And I can see how that can be frustrating and worrying for the resident parent.

It's very unusual for a court not to set out any visitation for the mother at all. I know you have been ill, but you seem resigned to being ill. And that's that. You admit your son gets away with murder, so of course he wants to live with you.

I believe you are doing the best you can for your son. But I also think that probably your ex is doing his best too. You need help to stop seeing yourself as a victim. Life isn't happening to you. You are participating.

[BatFacedGrrl]

Unbelievable.

This woman has quite clearly been on the receiving end of an abusive partner who's managed to get her child off her from what I can see. A phobia isn't just something you 'shrug off' and I'd urge posters to maybe look a little deeper and stop piling in on a woman who's more than likely been the victim of a controlling and domineering man.

It's easy to take this on face value but no medals will be handed out to those who keep kicking the OP. Yes there's obviously issues here but I suspect that this ex is probably the cause of a couple of them

[HermioneJeanGranger]

No, it wasn't clear he was abusive at the beginning of the thread. OP has name-changed three times and added information each time she's posted - which isn't a problem, but it will alter people's answers as more information is added!

Let's not tell everyone that they've kicked an abused woman - NONE of that was clear in the first couple of pages.

[WannaBe]

So at the beginning of the thread the OP states that she only has DS two nights a week so that she only has to deal with her phobia for two nights a week, he was ill and then she sent him back to his dad's so her step children didn't catch the bug.

She states that the ex has residency because of her severe depression and there is no court ordered contact. That is all she has said. No mention of abuse, no mention of manipulation etc...

Only once people started to say that she needs to take responsibility has she started namechanging and alleging that the ex is abusive.

And now she's wanting the thread to be deleted because posters haven't enabled her self deprication?

If any of it is true at all I'm inclined to believe it was the first version of events, and now OP is embellishing at the last moment to hopefully make posters feel guilty for kicking a woman when she's down.

Personally I think it's all bullshit.

[CwtchMeQuick]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like the ex is abusive or domineering. It sounds to me like he is doing the best for his little boy. He's taken over residency due to the OP's mental health, and has made it clear that late drop offs and putting the DS second to OPs new partners children is unacceptable. Which it is.

OP you have my sympathy. Emetaphobia is awful, and it's not something you can just get over. But in the nicest possible way, you need to get a grip of it for your DS. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and put him first. You say you feel guilty that your son can't live with you, but if that's the case you need to get some help. You need to put things in place to ensure that the contact you do have is working, and then discuss upping contact with your ex.

[BatFacedGrrl]

I agree it may have been better to have stated in the OP that her ex is domineering, cruel and abusive but hey ho, she didn't. And some of these messages to a depressed woman with a history of self harm and phobias are a little beyond the pale.

I wish you'd said all this in your opening post OP! Your responses would have been different

[curren]

batfaced many women here post about how the NRP drops the kids of late, won't have them when they are ill, want to drop them off early, put step kids first. And they post about how the NRP will tell anyone that listens that it's all their fault and they hold contact over them.

It happens a lot. The OP has drip fed information as she goes. She says the father is the best place for the son.

I am sympathetic to her problems. However she is also making bad choices that impact her son, even if that is down to her mental health it can get to the point that it's not ok.

I am not kicking anyone. I am just hesitant to believe a drip feed when the rest of the posts show the thinking of the op. Which is that nothing is in her control.

[gamerchick]

Anyway I have requested this thread to be deleted as without anyone really knowing what ex is like, I cannot be seeing people feeling sorry for him. He is a terrible person

Who you allow your child to live with most of the time to the point of making him pick him up early when poorly. You can't slate the main parent and let them keep your kid, you just can't.

This is one of those times I would really like to hear the other side.

I'm very sorry to hear you have massive issues, it must be no life for you at all. I really hope you get some help that works so you can start living again rather than existing until you die.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

This woman has quite clearly been on the receiving end of an abusive partner who's managed to get her child off her from what I can see.

I don't think it's necessarily anything like as black and white as that. Other issues apart, the courts have given the father residency. Obviously they're not infallible, but it's not something they do lightly, and they normally only do it after giving both sides every opportunity to have their say and after getting independent reports.

[RaspberryBeret34]

It sounded to me like the ex was an abusive arse from the first post and in almost every subsequent post - his actions and "going crazy" seem excessive for the actual impact this situation had. I wondered if he plays a big part in your depression OP? You said you had the emetophobia since childhood but when did the depression start?

Once in 3 years you ask your ex to pick DS up early and once in 3 years you are half an hour late (but text him to update). He threatens to remove access for that. I can't imagine how terrifying it must be to have this man in control of whether or not you see your son. My ex has been an arse at times (and has been late - more than half an hour, many times!) but I've never once threatened his access to his son.

Maybe with hindsight you wouldn't have asked the Ex to pick DS up early but, given what you said about your DP's DD going into hospital last time she had a bug I think it was an understandable reaction. Someone said that you could have kept DS in his room but I can't see it being very workable to keep a (mostly recovered) 5 year old shut away in a bedroom and unable to see his much loved step siblings.

I think you should keep trying with treatments for the emetophobia and for depression and self-harm and hope that you hit upon something that does help. Hope you're Ok.

[DustyBustle]

What are you up to with all the namechanging?

Your current partner is making your situation more difficult if he's in favour of shipping out your sick child in favour of his children coming to stay.

But it's your ex who you think is reacting unreasonably?

ok then

[BillSykesDog]

Hmm. Interesting posting history with a tendency to seemingly change stories depending on what the OP thinks will garner the most sympathy at any given time. Often directly contradicts herself.

Huge pinch of salt needed.

[WannaBe]

I don't think that it was clear at all that the ex is an abuser...

If I'd had to go to court to get residency, and my ex wanted me to collect my child because he A, couldn't cope and B, was putting his new partner's children's health above ours I'd have a few choice words to say about his parenting.

What we have to remember here is that the ex has been awarded residency by the courts with no contact, any contact has only been what he agreed. It is extremely rare for the courts to award no contact, therefore we have to assume that this has been for very valid reasons.

If a woman posts that her ex hasn't been given any contact by the courts no-one questions whether she is an abuser who has succeeded in taking his child away.

It is evident that there are MH issues at play here, but ultimately the OP has to be responsible for dealing with those, the welfare of the child is the most important thing here.