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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to come home?

69 replies

canigoontheipad · 23/05/2016 17:44

I'll try and make this brief, but may have to drip feed.
If it sounds like I'm being vague it's because I'm trying not to out myself.

DH is self employed and was offered work at the other end of the country. He didn't discuss with me whether or not to take the work, he just took it upon himself to accept and then told me when he would be leaving and that it would be for 4-5 weeks. He then returned from this trip and let me know that the job wasn't finished and that he would be going back. He is currently away at the moment and has been for about 3 weeks although he did "pop home" recently.

We have two children, just turned 3 and 8 years old. They are both quite full on and although I adore them from the bottom of my heart, between them they cause me a considerable amount of stress. (Think sleeping issues, disobedience, learning difficulties, hyperactivity, fighting with each other etc) All things that I need to get sorted but that's a whole other thread. Over the past week or so I have developed quite bad asthma. I am finding it very frightening as I have not had an attack for a long long time. I have seen the nurse today and have a plan in place but still feeling quite out of breath/coughing lots and really not up to doing much at all. The nurse suggested that stress could be a trigger as I couldn't really pin it down to anything else.
I texted my husband last night to say I really wasn't feeling well and to be prepared to come home. He didn't really respond, other than to say "try steam", and "use your inhaler". He did say this morning that he was worried about me, but it didn't appear that he had/has any intention of coming back.
He just said that he would be back on Friday as planned (for the weekend, then he is away again).
I felt a bit pissed off as this morning, I literally was so out of breath that I couldn't concentrate on anything, but it's very hard to get that across to him.
He is the main breadwinner so yes he needs to work (I don't), but I am REALLY struggling with the kids on my own and have no time to myself even to rest and read a book/watch tv. But more than that, I am worried that I will get so unwell that I will end up unable to look after them at all/carted off to hospital.
He has work here, (he's actually taken a break from a big job which he can go straight back to) but he has chosen to do this work as it's extra cash.

I honestly don't know if I am being unreasonable or not in asking him to come home. I have no family or support network, so no-one can take the kids for me.
Thanks for reading Smile

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 23/05/2016 17:53

"He has work here, (he's actually taken a break from a big job which he can go straight back to) but he has chosen to do this work as it's extra cash."And how happy is 'the big job' to be dumped for by my reading, 8 weeks to date and counting? Sorry OP, but this sounds - odd.To be blunt - are you sure he is actually working?

CaspoFungin · 23/05/2016 17:56

It's not acceptable to agree to go away to work for that length of time without discussing it! I think you need to tell him how unwell you feel,people often don't realise how serious asthma is, because it's so common I think.

Original poster
canigoontheipad · 23/05/2016 17:58

Yes he is definitely working - the big job he is doing here is for a family member, so while they aren't exactly thrilled about him leaving it (property renovation), they weren't left with a lot of choice as he did the same to them as he did to me - just told them he was going Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
canigoontheipad · 23/05/2016 18:00

Yes Caspo, that's how I feel too but it's honestly like hitting my head against a brick wall.

OP posts:
BlackVelvet1 · 23/05/2016 18:05

Could you find a childminder to take care of the kids for a bit after school so you can have a rest? Or take some time off work?
For the work, it depends how much you need the money/what other work he can or cannot get. May be he saw it as a necessity not a choice.

AgentProvocateur · 23/05/2016 18:12

If he's the only breadwinner, he'll feel the pressure to take well paid work when he can get it, particularly if - as it sound like - he's self employed. If he's got family here, can they help you?

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/05/2016 18:12

I still think there's more to this than extra cash. He's fucking off his wife, he's fucking off a family member (who frankly do have choice in the matter, they CAN get someone else in and he'd better remember that) and he's apparently happy to not see his kids. And life the life if a single man. How convenient that the job at the other end of the country has extended.

I'd be doing more than asking him to come back. I'd be wanting chapter and verse of what the hell he is doing up there and checking out my benefits entitlements should I be going it alone. Sorry OP, but this smells to high heaven.

MrsBobDylan · 23/05/2016 18:17

He should come back now. Yanbu to expect him to do a job which also allows him to be at home.Especially when such a job already exists.

Agree with a pp about it being odd. It is weird to want to work that far away ftom ypu and his ds when there's no economic reasons to do so.

Lilaclily · 23/05/2016 18:18

How is your relationship in general ? How are the weekends when he's back ? Do you have money worries ?
I think what I would do is sit him down when he gets back and ask what's going on, I'd also be looking for a part time job so he doesn't feel the need to earn the extra money by working away

ChicRock · 23/05/2016 18:27

That's the nature of being self employed unfortunately. You take the well paid work as and when you can get it. It's easier to piss off a family member (who is presumably not paying full whack) and delay their job for a while to go and earn better money.

I'm not sure how he is expected to respond to "be prepared to come home" - were you actually asking him to come home or not, it's not clear to me?

Can you get a part time job to take some of the financial pressure off?

HeddaGarbled · 23/05/2016 18:29

I completely sympathise but he probably does need to finish this job now. Unless he can take a week off and then go back to finish it but then he'll have another pissed off customer presumably.

When he is back properly, I would sit him down for a proper talk about how difficult it has been for you coping with the two children and ill health for this length of time and ask him not to go away for such a long time again.

In the meantime, is there any possibility of paying for some childminding/babysitting to give you a break?

Pinkheart5915 · 23/05/2016 18:34

He should of discussed it with you as its so far away. As the main bread winner sometimes tough choices have to be made.

Self employment can be hard from what I understand, Has he taken the work because he hasn't had much on lately? Or you really need the money?

As his started the job now it's not very professional to just leave it.

Could you just leave him this time and once his home have a talk about in future you should have a discussion before he works away?

January87 · 23/05/2016 18:35

Something smells fishy and it's not dinner OP.

TheVillageTaxpayer · 23/05/2016 18:40

Is he doing a renovation at the remote job? He can hardly leave clients dangling without a toilet, kitchen sink or whatever else is in transition, to run back home.

Can you get a minder or assistance from family members? As someone who does a fair amount of freelance work and knows well the stress of the hand-to-mouth self-employed situation, it's very difficult as the main breadwinner to shed that constant anxiety about where the next job is coming from. So I can see what compelled him to take the long-distance job. He should have outlined his reasoning for you; that he didn't makes me suspect that there are underlying issues in the relationship. Is this a new twist or does he make a habit of acting autonomously?

I would handle it alone as best you can and not call him away from the job except in dire emergency.

OllyBJolly · 23/05/2016 18:41

Sorry, I'm with the DH. I'm self employed and there is a myth I can drop everything for any family emergency that might arise. "But you can please yourself, you don't have a boss". Actually, I have loads of "bosses" and pissing one of them off might seriously harm my ability to get more work in future.

The OP is a SAHM. DH coming home (and walking away from earning) is not the only option and may well be the least workable and desirable. As PPs have said she can look for other support, or look to find a job and opt for paid childcare.

It does sound like the DH is coming home at weekends. I would suggest working out a strategy to ensure that you share the childcare responsibilities at weekends so that you both get some downtime.

(and yes, family job is probably at mates' rates so quite understandable to take on more lucrative work if he's sole wage-earner in the household).

Bogeyface · 23/05/2016 18:48

And what about if the OP ends up in hospital Olly?

At the moment he could organise a replacement to finish the job so the client isnt left in the lurch. If the OP gets rushed in then he will have to leave the job half done with a very pissed of client.

Exactly how ill does the OP have to be?! She can barely breathe FFS!

NewLife4Me · 23/05/2016 18:49

I'm a bit in both camps here as was in a similar position when dc were little.
My dh couldn't have come home unless it was an emergency and of course he'd have lost the work as was the nature of his business.

However, we would have discussed it first and he'd have known how long he was away for, but maybe in your dh work it isn't so easy to pinpoint a completion date.

I don't think it's fair to insist he comes home early and not complete the job though. You need to have a serious talk about it when he comes home and set some ground rules about how long you want him to be away for.
Where does he stay when he's working away? Just out of curiosity, do you have any reason to suspect he isn't working as this is out of character maybe? Where did the work come from as well if it's so far away, as tradesmen usually stick to local areas unless a national company.

andintothefire · 23/05/2016 18:56

It is not right that he took the job without consulting you. You need to make decisions as a family as to whether you are happy to be left on your own. But I think that if you let him go away and start it, he may now need to finish it.

You need to have a serious discussion with him about the alternative options. It may genuinely be impossible for him to find somebody else to do the job without letting people down or seriously affecting his career and reputation. Alternatively, he may be able to find someone (and I agree that he should at least consider this option).

Can you find somebody to help with childcare? Could you even pay for a nanny or babysitter for a few nights a week to give you some time off? Even if he comes home, presumably he would not be around all day so it is really about you finding some support so that you are not on your own with the children all the time.

It sounds really tough. I hope you feel better soon.

Rezolution123 · 23/05/2016 18:57

There is a strong smell of "bullshit" around here. Sorry OP but no wonder you are stressed.

OllyBJolly · 23/05/2016 19:01

And what about if the OP ends up in hospital Olly?

That would be an emergency. The situation, as described, isn't. She's worrying about becoming unwell, not saying that she is unwell.

It's not always easy to put in a sub, and if it is construction work, the cost of a temp would likely make the job unviable, with no guarantee of quality. (and if it's construction, it's even more important the DH gets as much done while he can. Construction is notoriously weather and market dependent)

This is a partnership. To enable the OP to be a SAHM, then the DH has to ensure a healthy, reliable income. It sounds as if the DH has to work very hard to do that. The OP has to be as self-reliant as possible. She says this is extra cash and I assume this is for the family. Could some of this extra cash go towards a few hours childminding or help in the house?

Heyjude16 · 23/05/2016 19:01

My dp has been away for 11 weeks. I'm 31 weeks pregnant and bringing up two dc aged 8&6. I also have spd and don't drive.

It's bloody hard work but it will be worth it in the long run.

I'm currently poorly with an infected wisdom tooth. I wish he could come home :(

PoundingTheStreets · 23/05/2016 19:02

I think he's been bang out of order to just announce he is going.

I have a pretty full-on demanding job that takes me away from my DC for far longer than I like. I have to balance that against not only my ability to nurture a meaningful relationship with my DC, but also the goodwill of those picking up the pieces in my absence, namely my DP and my BF. Just because I pay the bills doesn't mean I can make unilateral decisions! Well, not if I want to keep that goodwill anyway... I would never dream of taking on extra without consultation with those who enable me to do my job. Without their support I could not do it full stop.

Original poster
canigoontheipad · 23/05/2016 19:04

Ok so I (unintentionally) missed out part of the OP - was rushing, sorry. The job he is away working on is a job that my best friends husband is doing. He needed extra labour so DH offered his services. He can leave at any time as he is just an extra pair of hands. I not taking this lightly - I know that it will then leave BF's DH in the lurch, but I would never ask unless it was an absolute emergency. I was feeling this morning that this is one. Anyway, he is staying with them so I know where he is and that he is definitely working. He hasn't been home every weekend, but every other. I do understand the pressure he must feel, but I'm just very worried about my health and the care of my children Sad
He does have family here but us parents are v elderly and his sister works full time and doesn't drive (lives over half hour drive away).

OP posts:
harshbuttrue1980 · 23/05/2016 19:07

If he's the only breadwinner, he's probably taken the job that pays the most to provide for you all. Maybe if you got a job (even part time), he could afford to only take local jobs? Its a lot of pressure to put on someone - expecting them to pay all the bills, but not letting them take more lucrative work. Of course, if you work too, then he will of course have to take on more of the duties at home and with the kids, as that would be only fair.

Cutecat78 · 23/05/2016 19:09

I dunno I think if he's self employed and that's the only way he can make a living ATM you may need to suck it up and find ways to cope without him. It does sound like it sucks a lot and I know asthma can really get you down Sad

But I say that as a forces family so am used to going it alone - OH wouldn't be allowed home even if I died Shock Grin

It does sound like more discussion is needed as a couple. Is this a one off? Could he work closer to home? Is there a payoff for you (other than eating/living). Does he make an effort when he's home?

I feel for you OP.