To ask DH to come home?

[canigoontheipad]

I'll try and make this brief, but may have to drip feed.
If it sounds like I'm being vague it's because I'm trying not to out myself.

DH is self employed and was offered work at the other end of the country. He didn't discuss with me whether or not to take the work, he just took it upon himself to accept and then told me when he would be leaving and that it would be for 4-5 weeks. He then returned from this trip and let me know that the job wasn't finished and that he would be going back. He is currently away at the moment and has been for about 3 weeks although he did "pop home" recently.

We have two children, just turned 3 and 8 years old. They are both quite full on and although I adore them from the bottom of my heart, between them they cause me a considerable amount of stress. (Think sleeping issues, disobedience, learning difficulties, hyperactivity, fighting with each other etc) All things that I need to get sorted but that's a whole other thread. Over the past week or so I have developed quite bad asthma. I am finding it very frightening as I have not had an attack for a long long time. I have seen the nurse today and have a plan in place but still feeling quite out of breath/coughing lots and really not up to doing much at all. The nurse suggested that stress could be a trigger as I couldn't really pin it down to anything else.
I texted my husband last night to say I really wasn't feeling well and to be prepared to come home. He didn't really respond, other than to say "try steam", and "use your inhaler". He did say this morning that he was worried about me, but it didn't appear that he had/has any intention of coming back.
He just said that he would be back on Friday as planned (for the weekend, then he is away again).
I felt a bit pissed off as this morning, I literally was so out of breath that I couldn't concentrate on anything, but it's very hard to get that across to him.
He is the main breadwinner so yes he needs to work (I don't), but I am REALLY struggling with the kids on my own and have no time to myself even to rest and read a book/watch tv. But more than that, I am worried that I will get so unwell that I will end up unable to look after them at all/carted off to hospital.
He has work here, (he's actually taken a break from a big job which he can go straight back to) but he has chosen to do this work as it's extra cash.

I honestly don't know if I am being unreasonable or not in asking him to come home. I have no family or support network, so no-one can take the kids for me.
Thanks for reading

Also is there any reason why you asthma is not under control when it was?

Is it stress?

Just to clarify - I'm not looking at this in the long term. Yes I could get a part time job and yes I could look for a childminder, however both of these things take time and I'm really just concerned with the here and now as he will be home for good in 2 weeks, as well as being home this weekend. I am just panicking as my asthma has got progressively worse over the past week and if it continues at this rate then I am worried what will happen.

So OP is a SAHM with an 8 & 3 ur old. Surely the 8yr old is in school most of the day. Does the 3yr old go to preschool? Many single mums cope with so much more it does sound like you're making a mountain out of a molehill. The bad asthma is down to stress so, effectively, you are making it worse but getting so worked over "what ifs". You say there is family around as that's his other job, I'm sure they would help in an emergency. I really am struggling to see what the huge problem is.
Though taking on such a big job so far away without consulting you is out of order.

I don't know why my asthma isn't under control. It has been fine for the past few years and then bam this has hit me out of the blue. It's very frightening not being able to breathe.

Have you been to see the asthma nurse at your surgery?

Sorry if you have already covered this...

I'm self employed and there is a myth I can drop everything for any family emergency that might arise. "But you can please yourself, you don't have a boss". Actually, I have loads of "bosses" and pissing one of them off might seriously harm my ability to get more work in future.

Yes, I agree. I am also self-employed and if you start saying "no" too often, clients find someone else and stop asking. I'm not the main bread winner in the family though and can't imagine the pressure of being self employed AND having to pay all the bills. You HAVE to take work when it's offered, especially the lucrative stuff.

OP I am assuming your 8 year old is in school and the 3 year old at some sort of nursery/preschool? Use the time when they're not there to relax and chill out a bit. If your asthma is bad (and I suffer too, I know it's awful), then get to the GP. They may want to prescribe more inhalers or a nebuliser or something to get you over the worst.

Also why have you no friends you can call on - my nearest family member is 90 minutes away by car but I have a network of mum friends who all help eahc other out in this sort of circumstance.

I have asthma and most of the time no one would ever know but given a stressful situation, or me getting upset, and I'm back to not being able to breathe well at all.

Many of my mates have partners who work away. They all had au-pairs or similar help when they had small children. That was always priced into the decision. If you need to spend cash on childcare respite when he is away then that's perfectly reasonable.

Cutecat - yes saw nurse today. Have to measure peak flow and go back in few days. Sorry I didn't answer your previous questions - am on app and difficult to remember what was said. It's kind of a one off. As in, it was meant to be 4-5 weeks but it's turned into 2 X 5 week stints. He is relatively helpful when at home.

I do have mum friends but they are all so busy. Most of them have to ferry their kids about to after school clubs most days. They're not the most helpful bunch tbh.

Maybe the hay fever season has set your asthma off? Either way you need to be taking both inhalers regularly and try to destress yourself other ways than relying on your husband. Does the 3 yo go to nursery at all? She should be eligible for half a day all week. And the older child must be in school most of the time. Most mothers can cope with 2 children although if they have SN I can understand it's more difficult.

If you just accept he has taken this job for the extra money which will ultimately benefit you both, and realise it is not forever, then the time will pass. Maybe use some of it to get a babysitter for a break?

Perhaps he has accepted this job because he needs a break from family life if it is so stressful? If so could he take a week off after the job finishes and you should ask for a week away to relax on your own. Preferably with a spa facility

Also issue I have with children is that it's very difficult to leave them with anyone due to the fact that the 8 year old has severe and I mean severe anxiety and also a learning difficulty. It would cause me more stress to leave him with someone than it would to keep him with me.

3 year old goes to nursery 3 mornings a week, they have no more availability than that.
I do take my preventer inhaler regularly and this week my ventolin I've used SO much, but with very little effect.
I don't feel stressed when DH is here because there is shared care. Also the DC miss their dad a lot and get a bit worked up over that too.

Well I don't think he has any idea of the pressure YOU are under.

I'm also at the fact you are minimising the pressure and the issues you have at home with 2 dcs and being unwell (I would remind him that stamp KILLS. It's not a cold or whatever).
And the same time, yoou are making his issues, such as it's hard for him to be away and he will put his BF in a bit of a muddle as really BIG problems.

I would listen to the nurse re the relationhsip between stres and your asthma and I would let your DH know the effects of HIS behaviour on YOUR health. Sorry but IMO, he is responsible for it and needs to be made to feel responsible for it.

And as a DH, he is a crap DH if he thinks he can take that sort of decision that will have a HUGE impact on you wo talking about it before hand.

I wouldn't ask him to come back. I would DEMAND he comes back because him going away like this has made you I'll and you cannot carry on like this. Remind him that if you end up in hospital, not only he'll have to come back but also to look after the dcs on his own.
And learn to look after yourself.
Looking after two dcs, one of which has serious issues like your dc1 is HARD work. You need to look after yourself if you want to be able to carry on doing it. No one is superhuman.

Since your DH is working with/for her DH, would your best friend be in a position to help you out, even if only with a school run or an hour or two watching the children?

How elderly are the parents? If they aren't up to childcare, are they up to doing or helping with your shopping and/or bringing by a casserole or other dish? Perhaps a spot of housework? My mum was driving and capable of that until she was almost 90. And although it may not be physical help, would you feel less worried if one of the parents spent a night with you here and there?

It's really hard with self-employment. If he doesn't work, he doesn't earn. If it were me, I'd try to exhaust any and all options before asking him to give up a good paying job. My BFF's ex-DH (carpenter) worked away for 9 months when there was no work in our area. She had no family to rely on but we (her friends) pitched in and did what we could to help her out, even though most of us worked full-time.

I understand you're suffering op but unless you are off into hospital, I don't think it's right to call him back if he's doing it for money. Have you any family of your own you can call on?
I also don't agree with the posters who assume he's having an affair just because he's working away!!

Regardless of where your DP is or what he is doing you need to get medical help.

If you're using your blue inhaler that much you are on the wrong preventer medication, I had asthma as a child, thought I'd grown out of it when I was 26 had a massive attack ended up in hospital for a week, came on gradually no chest infection nothing to cause it. I made the mistake of thinking time would cure it. I learnt to take it seriously after that! I'm on symbicort and I rarely take the blue inhaler. That's how it should be. Your priority needs to be sorting your chest out, call the nhs as you sound like you need steroids to help you get back your breathe along with a nebuliser. They might be able to get something prescribed to you tonight. Don't leave it, if ventolin is not working you need something stronger ASAP. Once you get it sorted make sure you have an asthma review every year there is some really good inhalers out there you shouldn't have to feel like this.

You need some help but he is working to support the family he can't just up and leave. I think YABU but is there anyone else who can help you with the children whilst he's away?

Is there any reason you can't ask a relative or friend to pick your youngest from nursery two days this week and keep her until her brother finishes school. (Explain that you are unwell) it will give you two days in which to rest.

I am slightly at your comment DH is main breadwinner so has to work (I don't).

I think this is your problem. Having all the financial responsibility on your shoulders is a hell of a weight. I think your assertion that you 'don't need to work' is a bit skewed.

Your DH has gone away to work because he feels he needs to find more money for the family. If you were working, you could bridge that gap between the wage he earns living with you and the wage he is earning away.

TBH it sounds a little bit like you are working yourself up to an asthma attack by stressing unnecessarily. I also have asthma and have had some attacks that have put me in hospital, so I do not under estimate your fear. It is real and very scary but think you can do a lot of self help by calming down and realising that your DH has done what he thinks is best for his family - admittedly I think he chose not to discuss but present a fait accompli because he probably liked the idea of a little break from the stress that being the sole bread winner can bring.
(He should have talked it through though - but he probably knows you would never agree.)

Ok first of all re asthma - I'm on symbicort 200. Taking 2 puffs of that morning and evening. Told nurse all of this today but my peak flow was 450 and my personal best is 490!! So she wasn't unduly worried. But that doesn't stop me feeling short of breath and coughing. I do feel a little more relaxed having seen her but will not hesitate to go back if I deteriorate. I've to document peak flow and ventolin use over the next few days. Thank you though, I will call NHS if I feel worse.

Acrossthepond - my BF lives at the other end of the country otherwise she would be more than happy to help me.

Re my family - they all live hundreds of miles away, my mum would possibly be able to drop everything and come to help but she's on holiday even further away just now.

My elderly in laws are also on holiday otherwise they would help with shopping etc

Thanks Happynevertheless - i will try to look after myself but it's hard trying to find the time tbh!

Can I also just say that I absolutely get the fact of DH having to take work where and when he can get it. I wasn't ever HAPPY about him working away but I could see it as a means to an end. The only reason I was wanting to ask him to come back is that I'm not well x

Marylinsbigsister - I didn't mean that I don't need to work - I just meant to say that I don't work. I can see how it might have looked like that! Sorry for the confusion!!

Marilyn as a husband and father, the op's DH should look at many more things than just money when taking a decision like this. Things like the wellbeing of his DW and his dcs that should matter just as much as 'money'.
Besides, he has no reason at all to take that decision on his own or to shoulder it. This should be a decision taken together.

Yes he is the one working. But then it's not as if he didn't have a job and was out of work either (aka he didn't have a choice). He DID have a choice. One tyhat involved finishing the job he was doing in the first place!

I don't agree about excusing his behaviour on the ground that it's hard to be the bread winner.
It might be but so is staying at home, stressed, so stressed that the OP is getting ill, with what can be a life threatening illness. So is looking after two dcs on your own for nearly 2 months. So is doing so when one of the DC is still very small and the other is 'challenging', all of which he knew (and was probably very happy to escape from)

As for stressing uncesseserally Serioulsy?!?
because looking after an 8yo with high anxiety and LD and no break at all is being stressed uncesseserally maybe? THAT is what caused the problem in the first place.
And 'doing what he thought was the best' well fuck that. He is just learning that he doesn't know everything and taking a decision that is affecting the whole family on your own is never a good idea. It doesn't matter if he thought it was best. The issue is that he thought he didn't need to talk to the OP about it or ask her for her pov. He though he was entitled to make a decision to ask everyone to bow to it. And that he knew best.
Well I've got news for you. Being the bread winner doesn't mean you know best.

What if he came back home to please you, and you couldn't pay the bills that month? Wouldn't that make your stress even worse? It seems like you are expecting him to do the impossible. Supporting a family of four on one normal wage is bloody hard. Maybe he doesn't want to work away from home either, but its the only way to pay the bills? I don't know why you won't try to work, but it sounds like you need to start pulling your financial weight - your kids aren't babies anymore and a couple of days in childcare won't harm them. You'll get out of the house, interacting with adults, and your DH won't feel that the whole burden of the family is on his shoulders. You would hopefully make friends at work too and then wouldn't be as needy and reliant on your DH.