To ask DH to come home?

[canigoontheipad]

I'll try and make this brief, but may have to drip feed.
If it sounds like I'm being vague it's because I'm trying not to out myself.

DH is self employed and was offered work at the other end of the country. He didn't discuss with me whether or not to take the work, he just took it upon himself to accept and then told me when he would be leaving and that it would be for 4-5 weeks. He then returned from this trip and let me know that the job wasn't finished and that he would be going back. He is currently away at the moment and has been for about 3 weeks although he did "pop home" recently.

We have two children, just turned 3 and 8 years old. They are both quite full on and although I adore them from the bottom of my heart, between them they cause me a considerable amount of stress. (Think sleeping issues, disobedience, learning difficulties, hyperactivity, fighting with each other etc) All things that I need to get sorted but that's a whole other thread. Over the past week or so I have developed quite bad asthma. I am finding it very frightening as I have not had an attack for a long long time. I have seen the nurse today and have a plan in place but still feeling quite out of breath/coughing lots and really not up to doing much at all. The nurse suggested that stress could be a trigger as I couldn't really pin it down to anything else.
I texted my husband last night to say I really wasn't feeling well and to be prepared to come home. He didn't really respond, other than to say "try steam", and "use your inhaler". He did say this morning that he was worried about me, but it didn't appear that he had/has any intention of coming back.
He just said that he would be back on Friday as planned (for the weekend, then he is away again).
I felt a bit pissed off as this morning, I literally was so out of breath that I couldn't concentrate on anything, but it's very hard to get that across to him.
He is the main breadwinner so yes he needs to work (I don't), but I am REALLY struggling with the kids on my own and have no time to myself even to rest and read a book/watch tv. But more than that, I am worried that I will get so unwell that I will end up unable to look after them at all/carted off to hospital.
He has work here, (he's actually taken a break from a big job which he can go straight back to) but he has chosen to do this work as it's extra cash.

I honestly don't know if I am being unreasonable or not in asking him to come home. I have no family or support network, so no-one can take the kids for me.
Thanks for reading

To please me? If he came back home it would be to look after his children because I'm unwell.
With all due respect, I'm not asking for an opinion on whether I should be in work or not. My husband and I came to a joint decision years ago that I would look after the children.
I'm not sure why it bothers you so much.

I think it is a bit harsh to describe the op as 'needy and reliant' just because she is struggling with this situation

Op you really need to think about yourself here, whatever some posters say, asthma is not something to be messed with. Was it yours or oh's choice for you to live so far from your family?

OP this is Mumsnet - you will get told to do all sorts of unrealistic crazy batshit - take with a large pinch of salt.

Only you know what works for you and your family.

It sounds like your asthma is worse BECAUSE he's away and you're panicking about being on your own. You have anxiety because he's not there and you want him at home. You have to find a solution to this. Him coming home won't cure your asthma. Find a child care solution for if you're unwell.

Some of you do not come across as nice people.

OP, what would bother me is the lack of respect shown by not discussing this, just doing it, and the lack of care shown when you told him you were ill. My dh was self employed for years, I bloody understand it's if you want to eat you have to work, but ffs, being self employed does not mean you only ever prioritise income! And in this situation if your dh came home, he has work available, immediately, and the work he is doing away is not as the primary person and is for a friend so all the angst about professional reputation and letting people down really doesn't apply.

I would expect dh to phone me immediately and find out just how ill I was, to show concern, to assure me he would come home if I needed him, to ask whether I felt I needed him. I value that sort of support far more than the financial kind.

alltouchedout - you've hit the nail on the head, that's exactly how I feel and what I expected too. But he didn't call me straight away. Had video chat yesterday afternoon but signal was dreadful and kept cutting out.
He has job here and has earnt considerable amount already having been away for 3+ weeks.
Was my choice to live so far away from family, although did so at the age of 22 and a long time before I met DH and had children.

Regardless of whether he comes back or not, it might ease your worries to have an emergency plan in place. I was rushed into hospital once when my husband was on a plane on his way to a conference and once they had dosed me up with painkillers, I spent the ambulance drive frantically trying to call friends. Worse, I only had one friend's number saved on my phone. Fortunately my daughter was a bit older than your eldest and arranged to stay with friends.

My advice would be to ensure you have a list of friends and aquaintances you would trust on your mobile. It's amazing how many other parents would be willing to step in briefly in a genuine emergency and as you have concerns, you could check with them ASAP whether it would be okay. Then make sure you have it with you at all times and that the battery is charged.

You have my sympathy. It's not easy to have a DP that travels a lot, but you can do a great deal to make yourself more resilient in a crisis.

Hope you feel better soon and that next time, you can convince your husband that he needs to communicate better.

Thank you Triliteral - great advice and I will definitely put it into practice. It's your type of scenario that frightens me! Hope you are all ok now x

I'm fine now. It was post-OP complications after gall-bladder surgery. I was at the GP's and he had to insist I went to hospital. I only finally agreed because when I stood up, I could barely stay on my feet and was I no way fit to drive home and care for two children.

At least the doctor was finally convinced I wasn't a hypochondriac after that.

Best of luck. Whatever happens, you will manage somehow.

I am shocked at some posters responses. Just because the husband is the main breadwinner does not give him the right to make decisions to work away without any consultation or discussion with his wife.
The OP does not need to justify why she is a SAHM. Her and her husband together have made that decision on what is best for their family.

OP, I get it must be scary for you right now. Especially if you feel unsupported by your husband when you told him you were sick. Is there anyway he could come home every weekend instead of every other weekend? Could you have a plan in place as to what you would do if you do need to go to hospital with the asthma at some point? Having a plan might settle your understandable anxiety about it all. If I were you I would also consider a serious discussion with my husband about how he felt entitled to work away without big discussions about it first. That wasn't fair on you at all and has understandably put stress onto you.

I wouldn't ask him to come back, I'd just sort out an emergency back up plan. Friends, his parents, babysitters.

But I'm painfully independent with a side serving of 'I don't fucking need you, so don't you dare treat me like shit''.

His response to you is horrible.

Working away without discussing it with you is not on. Not in any way, shape or form. WTAF made him think this was OK?

Have you got an asthma plan? It was a security blanket after my first full attack as I felt I had some control, might offer you some comfort too: www.asthma.org.uk/globalassets/health-advice/adult-asthma-action-plan.pdf

Tbh anyone with asthma should have an action plan. With symbicort you can increase the dosage when you are not well, my dosage is doubled when I am sick (it's part of my action plan). Speak to an asthma nurse to see if it could be suitable for you instead of relying on the ventolin. I found if I was taking lots of ventolin I couldn't relax, put me on a high and edge which isn't good when trying to rest! The doctors should review an action plan every year but some don't seem bothered can be frustrating.

Really hope you feel better soon

Maybe try and get your dc to behave properly, good routine and better behaviour might stop
You being so Stressed- dh is working realistically
you need to get on with it - sounds harsh but it's true my husband been away in spells and you have to deal
With it X hope you feeling better

Does your best friend know how bad things are? Could she give him a slap make it clear how much you need him right now?

Maybe try and get your dc to behave properly, good routine and better behaviour might stop You being so Stressed

Yes, because of course it is so easy to discipline away severe anxiety and learning difficulties in a child.

If I say what I think of you for that comment it will get deleted. Make of that what you will

Yeah, as though OP isn't trying to get her kids to behave.

I think the biggest issue here is her husband makes unilateral decisions that affect the whole family. He doesn't treat her like an equal partner.

And apparently a lot of people seem to think OP's working herself up rather than coping alone with two kids and a serious health condition.

There have been some bitter responses to op's request for advice. She is ill, she has struggled on for a week, she is trying to pull enough oxygen into her lungs to allow her to keep going, she can't sort alternative childcare for her children for reasons she's detailed and she's scared. She wants her dh to come home to look after the kids so she can get herself well again, after which point dh can return to his work.

It's not some stepford wife badge of honor to really fear for your and children's safety and not ask for help as the big man of the house is having to hunt and gather while little wifey sits at home indulging herself by struggling to breathe. Ffs.

Op, disregard advice to discipline children better, get a job, magic up alternative childcare out of thin air, tell your dh you need him home for a few days while you get better.

I think there is room for compromise here from both of you. He's self employed & along with all the stresses that goes with that, he is the sole earner & going for extra money. He needs to communicate better with you, he only needed to tell you.

MrsBobDylan - yes I have totally disregarded all ludicrous suggestions such as disciplining my child out of a learning difficulty, looking for a job when I can barely breathe and finding a magical Mary Poppins. Thank you for your supportive words x

I think I did say up thread, I was asking for advice on whether he should come home in the next day or so due to my illness, not whether he should be working away full stop. Some people need to rtft properly....