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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to want dh to do a night feed occasionally

55 replies

SweetElizaRose · 23/05/2016 05:19

I'm at my wits end, I've got a severe pnd depression diagnosis for which I'm on medication but part of me thinks I'm just really really tired.
I've expressed for dd since she was born and she's bow five months. For five months I haven't had longer than two and a half hours sleep in one go. I'm now getting splitting headaches and problems with my memory. On top of the pnd.
My nights go like this:

10.30pm express and feed dd
1am - dd up and then express again back to bed about 2am
4am - dd up again quite often
5am - express
6.30am - get up and get ds ready for school

In all this time dh has not done a single night feed. He's never got up with the kids of a morning. He works from home unless he's away and doesn't get up until 8.30am most days. At weekends he plays golf all day on s Saturday and has a lie in on a Sunday.
Aibu to think it really would not hurt him to do a night feed at the weekend? I know I've still got to express but I'd be up for half the time and not as frequently. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Some nights - like last night - dd is up every hour and a half. Then my blood sugar went low (t1 diabetic) and now I'm expressing again.
Dh has been asleep the whole time. He puts earplugs in.

OP posts:

PPie10 · 23/05/2016 05:21

Why are you allowing him to get away with it?

Original poster

SweetElizaRose · 23/05/2016 05:23

I can't make him get up?

OP posts:

steff13 · 23/05/2016 05:27

Oh my gosh! When I was on maternity leave with my daughter, I did all the night feeds, because my husband had to be up early for work, and get the older boys up for school in the mornings, and I could sleep during the day. I had no issue with that. But on Friday and Saturday nights, he did all the night feeds so I could sleep in the bed uninterrupted for those two nights.

There's no reason why he can't do something similar. I can't believe you let him get away with this for 5 months.

ApocalypseSlough · 23/05/2016 05:29

Ppie because with pnd, exhaustion, other children and diabetes to monitor OP is at the end of her tether and probably not as strong as she is usually?
SweetEliza do you have a friend or relative to back you up? Your DH is being ridiculously lazy. There are lots of things you could do to make things a bit easier but yes, he should definitely step up.

steff13 · 23/05/2016 05:30

I can't make him get up?

Have you had a conversation with him about it? Was he like this with the other kids?

Did you ever see Bill Cosby's comedy set, called "Himself." I know, he's gross, but this was the 80s, we didn't know that then. Anyway, he tells a story about how he was sleeping and he woke up with his wife standing over him in bed with a pot of hot water, threatening to pour it over his head if he didn't get out of bed and take care of the kids. You could try that.

Or, you could snatch his earplugs out of his ears, shake him awake, and hand him the baby.

Original poster

SweetElizaRose · 23/05/2016 05:31

I think what upsets me is that he doesn't seem to care. He can see I'm like this - basically a shell of my former self - and doesn't seem to care.

OP posts:

ApocalypseSlough · 23/05/2016 05:34

I'm loath to raise it because there are other things which would help more, ahem lazy fucker but I'd drop the expressing and take DD into bed when she wakes. You mention feeding and expressing, apologises if she doesn't latch, but I'm trying to think of something which will help now.

steff13 · 23/05/2016 05:34

Well, if you haven't actually said to him, "I need help," you need to start there. Yes, ideally he should see that, but people can be dense. I know I can. I am very generous; I'd do anything for anyone; but I have a hard time knowing what to do a lot of the time. I need someone to say to me exactly what they need.

Original poster

SweetElizaRose · 23/05/2016 05:37

No...but he's seen me weeping with exhaustion.
Dd doesn't latch and we've had all the help we can. I left it too late after she was prem and she was too used to expressed milk in bottles.

OP posts:

pandora0 · 23/05/2016 05:42

My sympathies for all you're going through this sounds a lot like my situation although I'm not suffering from pnd not sure how I would cope if I were to be honest. My dp has never done a night feed either and oh my it can get extremely exhausting! My dd is formula fed and will only wake up once in a night and I have no other Dc but even that can get abit much all by myself so you really are doing a wonderful job. My dp works from home some days and gets up when he pleases too, I got to the point of exhaustion a few months a go and confronted dp when he admitted he was struggling to come to terms with parenthood and he was feeling majorly depressed, he had to have hospital treatment in the end but since being put on medication he's slowly doing more and more to help out with dd, he's still not done a night feed but his health was more important to me than putting that pressure on him. In your circumstance your dh should definitely consider helping you a lot more especially on weekends but do push to get to the bottom of it, have a chat with dh there might be more to this than meets the eye. I would be the first to slate a man not stepping up to his duties before I had dd but it's not always that simple. Talk to dp and if he really is just being ignorant there's no way he should be getting away with this. Also tell him to take dd out for a few hours on the weekend so you can rest! Sleep is invaluable you must get more than a few hours a night hun.
You're doing a fab job at juggling everything just take any time you can out for yourself, you're not alone

AHellOfABird · 23/05/2016 05:48

You need to say to him, "I need you to do the night feeds this weekend"

He may not realise that it would help if he did the feed as you are having a broken night anyway for expressing.

He may be a dick (the golf all weekend, FFS) but at least start with asking.

Will DD take formula at all? Can you start to give her solids? Expressing is exhausting. Do you at least have the best electric pump there is?

AHellOfABird · 23/05/2016 05:50

And also, he needs to be up to get DS to school during the week and give you an extra hour or two then.

ApocalypseSlough · 23/05/2016 05:52

Pandora too.
The golfing as well! SweetEliza can you talk to anyone in real life?

GreenRug · 23/05/2016 05:59

YANBU, but you know that already. You are going to have to bite the bullet on this one. I know there are families out there that operate quite nicely like this (woman does it all) and for whatever reason it suits them. This arrangement is not suiting you and you need to tell him. It's not even optional, it's ' you need to start splitting the night feeds and mornings with me, thanks'. Don't expect him to be jumping with joy, he won't be, but who gives a shit really, he made those children too, you're both working FT (you rearing your children but still 'working' in my opinion), it's time to start acting like a team.

steff13 · 23/05/2016 06:00

The bare minimum he should be doing is getting the other kids up and off to school during the week, and doing the feeds on the weekends.

3amClub · 23/05/2016 06:08

My OH used to just get up when he fancied, wasn't out of maliciousness it was just habit because it was only me who could do it in the early days. If you can I would either express in advance for those night feeds (milk can last up to 6hrs out the fridge so just keep it near you) or I'd be dropping a night feed. Up until last week I was feeding ds at every wake (3 times during night) but turns out for 2 of them he'd go back to sleep with a dummy or a cuddle. Now I make OH get up for those ones but I have to wake him & tell him, he genuinely doesn't hear.

NewIdeasToday · 23/05/2016 06:12

You sound exhausted - understandably.

Personally (and I know this isn't for everyone) I'd very clearly explain that I need a couple of nights of unbroken sleep and make up formula. Be very clear to your husband that you are on the edge, so he needs to step up and take responsibility all night. Then put earplugs in and leave him to it.

You also need a serious conversation about family life, including his role on weekday mornings and weekends. Golf could be once a month rather than every week. I'd leave that conversation till after I'd had some sleep though!

Really hope you can work this out together.

TheHauntedFishtank · 23/05/2016 06:17

You keep posting about this and nothing seems to change. If he won't step up and give you a break then you can either keep going as you are or drop the expressing and give yourself a break. I'm really sorry but the advice this time is going to be the same as the last. Of course YANBU to expect him to do night feeds but it doesn't seem like you can.

wannabestressfree · 23/05/2016 06:18

You need to talk to him today.
He can do golf or the lie in but not both. Why doesn't he alternate? He also needs to be sorting out the other child. You are putting your health at serious risk.
This is not sustainable and you need to say that....

Scarydinosaurs · 23/05/2016 06:20

You 100% need to ask.

Is he still refusing to help because you're expressing?

NapQueen · 23/05/2016 06:22

I honestly think you need some ground rules.

Saturday morning is his till 12 noon. Whether he wants it for lay ins or golf is up to him.
Sunday morning is yours till 12 noon. He is with the kids.

Friday night he deals with any night wakes (I'd also Co sidereal swapping to formula). Saturday you do.

Weekdays he gets up with the kids when they wake and he comes to wake you 15 mins before he starts work.

He is shirking. You are letting him.

Colchestergal · 23/05/2016 06:31

What a selfish arsehole.

I'd be issuing an ultimatum or booting his ass out of the door.

cansu · 23/05/2016 06:44

If u have a lazy selfish shit husband and have PND and are exhausted I think formula would be a sensible choice. There are no mothering awards and u need to consider your own wellbeing.

BrienneAndTormund · 23/05/2016 06:51

He knows she's tired, he knows she needs help but he honestly doesn't care.

maybebabybee · 23/05/2016 06:53

Wow your husband is a total shit

You need to sit him down and read him the riot act. I'm sorry, I know how hard that is to do when you're depressed

Honestly I am v v pro breastfeeding and I would stop the expressing too and give formula. You've done this for 5 months which is amazing. No one would blame you for stopping now. Your health is as important as your baby's.

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