Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to want dh to do a night feed occasionally

55 replies

SweetElizaRose · 23/05/2016 05:19

I'm at my wits end, I've got a severe pnd depression diagnosis for which I'm on medication but part of me thinks I'm just really really tired.
I've expressed for dd since she was born and she's bow five months. For five months I haven't had longer than two and a half hours sleep in one go. I'm now getting splitting headaches and problems with my memory. On top of the pnd.
My nights go like this:

10.30pm express and feed dd
1am - dd up and then express again back to bed about 2am
4am - dd up again quite often
5am - express
6.30am - get up and get ds ready for school

In all this time dh has not done a single night feed. He's never got up with the kids of a morning. He works from home unless he's away and doesn't get up until 8.30am most days. At weekends he plays golf all day on s Saturday and has a lie in on a Sunday.
Aibu to think it really would not hurt him to do a night feed at the weekend? I know I've still got to express but I'd be up for half the time and not as frequently. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Some nights - like last night - dd is up every hour and a half. Then my blood sugar went low (t1 diabetic) and now I'm expressing again.
Dh has been asleep the whole time. He puts earplugs in.

OP posts:
jonsnowssocks · 23/05/2016 07:07

He could even do the 10.30pm feed during the week and still have a good night's sleep before work the next day. Depending on what time you go to bed, you could get a longer stretch through the evening?

And agree with the PPs who suggested your husband take your son to school.

Hope you get it all sorted out Flowers

AugustaFinkNottle · 23/05/2016 07:10

We've been here before, Eliza. This is the man who threw away your anti-depressants, isn't it? I'm afraid I agree that nothing is going to change unless you make it happen. But as a first, relatively easy step, for goodness sake stop expressing at night and start using formula.

BillBrysonsBeard · 23/05/2016 08:27

He's being very inconsiderate when he can see you suffering... A good nights sleep is so valuable. Surely he can see how exhausted you are! It would make everything better including your mood, your relationship.. Why can't he see that. It sounds like be firmly thinks that's the womans role. It's all about supporting each other.
Also, please consider formula... It saved my sanity. DS slept through from then on and I felt human again. I could be the happy mum I wanted to be.

Stardust160 · 23/05/2016 08:53

You poor thing. He's clearly taking advantage of you especially if he could see to the older children. My husband works 6 days and he still does one night feed during the weekend which is a godsend for me. His job requires he gets a gd night sleep as he's a heavy goods driver. The fact he works at home should be able to be more flexible to help out. Could your family help to give us s couples to catch up on some sleep?

blueturtle6 · 23/05/2016 11:01

I went away for a few weeks to.parents to get rest, dh missed dd so much he did some night wakings when I got back for about a month.

ElspethFlashman · 23/05/2016 11:04

I suspect based on previous threads, stopping expressing will not be considered.

Oysterbabe · 23/05/2016 11:44

I exclusively express too and my DD will be 5 months next week. You really don't need to be doing it as often as you are by this stage, your supply is well established and many babies don't feed through the night by 5 months. I express at 11 before bed and when I get up at 7 then 4 hourly during the day. It hasn't effected my supply at all, I just get twice as much at the 7am one.

Your DH should feed some previously expressed milk in the night and give you a nice long rest.

minipie · 23/05/2016 11:57

Your DH is a twat. How can he possibly think that is fair?

The rule is that both parents should get equal sleep and equal time to themselves. (Unless one of them literally cannot do their job without a full night's sleep eg brain surgeon, professional athlete but this would be rare). Taking care of children is as difficult as working full time. There is absolutely no reason you should be doing all the night wakings and mornings and weekend childcare while he sleeps all night, plays gold and has a lie in.

I am not going to suggest formula because I don't think that will solve the basic problem which is your DH.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 23/05/2016 12:01

He needs a swift kick up the arse.

How is your supply generally? By five months I wonder if you could drop a pumping session. How much do you get when you express at each session, and how frequently are you doing it during the day? I wonder if a few tweeks to your routine at the moment might help a bit. Are you getting any counselling along with medications?

As for your 'D'H, will he listen if you actually break down to him exactly how are for you right now? Can you word it to remind him that he needs to be looking after you and his child right now. I;m not saying it's at all fair for you to have top break it down to him like that, but it seems like you've tried saying things simply.

Pinkheart5915 · 23/05/2016 12:03

At the weekend, no reason he can't do night feeds then As he won't have to get up for work the next morning.

could you express milk before you go to bed? Then your DH can feed baby this in the night

Marynary · 23/05/2016 12:52

He should at the very least be doing the night feeds at the weekends. I also think he should do at the feeds at least one night during the week unless his job would be dangerous if fatigued. The level of sleep deprivation you are suffering must be awful and it isn't safe, particularly if you drive. How can he think it is okay for you to suffer from such exhaustion while he gets a good night sleep?

In your position I would have just left the house for the weekend and booked into a hotel by myself. It would do him good to know what sleep deprivation feels like.

Marynary · 23/05/2016 12:54

I think you need to stop expressing in the night though. Can't you build up a supply and freeze it or maybe just give formula?

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 23/05/2016 12:58

Oh poor poor you! Flowers and hugs!

As lots of others have said you need to tell him you need help. You could always point out that if things continue this way you'll make yourself seriously ill and then he'll be on his own while you recover. The golf needs knocked on the head until things are a little easier, end of. I'm assuming you made these babies together so you raise them together as a team. My dp isn't the perfect specimen but he always does his fair share. Time for your dp to pull his socks up and become a parent.

AyeAmarok · 23/05/2016 13:04

Oh no Eliza Sad I can't believe he's still not helping you.

If hinting and watching you on your knees with tiredness isn't making him be a bloody parent, then I think you just need to say to him "tomorrow night, you're doing the feeds, I need a night's sleep" and then take his earplugs.

Urgh I really dislike your H, sorry, I know that's not helpful. Some men just don't deserve such a lovely wife and baby.

Original poster
SweetElizaRose · 23/05/2016 13:06

I was worried if I stopped expressing in the night id lose my supply? That is what my hv told me.
I've come to my mum's today, I'm not sleeping but at least she's on hand to help.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 23/05/2016 13:08

You do need to do it at first but you'll be fine by now. In my NCT group for example a couple of the bf babies sleep 10 hours overnight and the mums supply has is still good. Like I said, I don't express between 11 and 7 and haven't for about 6 weeks or so and supply is still the same.

FructoseTart · 23/05/2016 13:13

Wow!
What an arse!
DD3 is almost one and me and DP still take it in turns if she wakes in the night.
Having PNd is hard, you need to stand up for yourself though else you are only going to making yourself more ill. Then your no good for expressing OR night feeds.

Tell him he's being a twat and start helping. Lazy arse

AlwaysDancing1234 · 23/05/2016 13:29

Try and take him aside for a few minutes during the day (not in the middle of the night when you are tired and pissed off) and tell him (not ask) that he must start doing some night feeds or at least let you have a lie in some mornings as you are exhausted. There is no excuse.

SouperSal · 23/05/2016 13:58

I would either express in advance for those night feeds (milk can last up to 6hrs out the fridge so just keep it near you) or I'd be dropping a night feed.

You can't really drop night feeds when you're expressing.

Lymmmummy · 23/05/2016 13:59

Sounds dreadful

Think your partner could help more especially on days he may not be working/need to be up early

Would also say something a bit controversial - purely my own opinion which I appreciate you and other may consider wrong but my own DC were bottle fed (I had no natural breasts to feed them from following earlier preventative surgery) and I remember my health visitor did say bottle fed babies had a tendency to sleep better as the feed is bulked out and keeps them full longer than breast milk.

Not sure if this is true - and obviously it is definitely true that formula doesn't not have a lot of the benefits of breast milk - but I wonder could you discuss doing mixed feeds with say your health visitor eg formula feed last thing at night .

Baby does seem to be up needing feeding a lot given its now 6 months - again sure other people will tell me this is typical - but mine were sleeping 11pm -5am from a few months in -

3amClub · 23/05/2016 14:36

soupersal yes she can. If she's expressing & feeding baby right away, she can just stop 1 instance of this. Eliza your supply won't be affected by not pumping. I speak as someone who recently swapped the bedtime feed to formula & stopped expressing for that feed. After a couple of uncomfortable nights of engorgement my boobs are used to this & my supply isn't affected at all. Babies who were not prem & have doubled their birth weight (or reached 14lb depending who you ask), can go 8hrs without a feeds (although some breastfed babies may not want to & that's fine).

I used to feed at 7, 10.30, 1 & 4. Now it's just formula at 7 & breastmilk at midnight & the other wake up times he goes off with a dummy or a cuddle.

3amClub · 23/05/2016 14:37

*when I say not pumping won't affect supply of course I mean not pumping for a session. Never pumping will affect it!

Valentine2 · 23/05/2016 14:44

DH would have been out of the house had he done something like that. He knew he had to do everything like a parent or it was a deal breaker for me. You need to regain the lost ground slowly. Hand him feeds one by one and reclaim weekend mornings for yourself.

SouperSal · 23/05/2016 14:59

3amclub your boobs must differ greatly to mine then. I EEd for 12 long months and found missing a night feed had a huge effect on my supply. I needed to be pumping at least 6 times a day, usually more, to keep up with DD.

3amClub · 23/05/2016 15:04

soupersal the beauty of feeding eh?

Eliza fwiw I applaud your perseverance. EEF is a hardcore commitment and you've done so well to get to 5 months. Maybe a little formula wouldn't hurt? A happy mum = happy baby

Swipe left for the next trending thread