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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make dd go on a school trip

80 replies

UterusUterusGhali · 22/05/2016 00:49

Dd is just 14.

She is a wonderful girl, and good student. She struggles in certain subjects but is overall good in the subjects she is interested in.

She had MH issues. Self harm.

She has been invited to view oxford uni, as she has been predicted good grades. There are 32 in her year that have been invited.

She says she doesn't care or want to go, but I feel it would be a great opportunity. She also refused a "women in STEM" event that she was invited to, one of the few in her school.

She wants to be an architect, or possibly something in mental health.

I have signed her up for the oxford trip.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Nandocushion · 22/05/2016 02:05

YANBU. She is welcome to "know her own mind" and say to you, after having been on the trip, that it isn't for her. It is ridiculous though to allow our children to limit themselves so much that it could limit their futures. My DD would be equally dismissive of such a trip - due to her low self-esteem. She couldn't possibly see herself in such a place because she doesn't value herself right now. And I'd send her on the trip regardless because, just maybe, it might make her dream.

Redglitter · 22/05/2016 02:05

Please don't force her to go. I had several trips arranged when I was at school and I was ill at the thought of them. Thankfully my mum and dad decided I was old enough to make my own decisions and didn't make me go. Please listen to what she's saying

MyFriendsCallMeOh · 22/05/2016 02:07

A child with low self esteem faces little chance of building any self esteem if her opinions and choices are not respected.

AgentZigzag · 22/05/2016 02:07

I don't think backing off and letting your teen start to have an input in their own life is the same as letting them off to mind themselves Canyou.

You're talking about being 22 and having a diploma from a polytech as something that should be avoided at all costs! It's not a slippery slope to an unfulfilled life with only lonely old age to look forward to Grin

If they wanted to go to a different university when they're 22 there's nothing stopping them, not doing things in the dictated order and age can lead to a successful career and life too.

(I have a 15 YO DD so going through all the GCSE 'what do you want to do with the rest of your life'/work hard now and it'll pay off later/'when you get a date for something to be handed in put it in your phone calendar!' shite Grin)

AgentZigzag · 22/05/2016 02:09

'A child with low self esteem faces little chance of building any self esteem if her opinions and choices are not respected.'

Totally agree.

(I also used to cut myself and had little/no self esteem)

Baconyum · 22/05/2016 02:09

A child with low self esteem faces little chance of building any self esteem if her opinions and choices are not respected.

Absolutely.

Nooka and Nando did you see that the teen in question has mh problems including self harming? I'd wager she already feels like she doesn't have enough control of her own life

MyFriendsCallMeOh · 22/05/2016 02:12

My dd is 11. She was picked to go to MIT in Boston for a week this year on a stem course. She was unsure about going. We had a long chat about the benefits and what she was worried about. She was concerned about taking a flight without her family and spending so long away from home. We talked about the procedures of getting a flight, that she could call us any time, she took a couple of new books for the flight and we helped allay her fears. In the end, she went and had a fab time. She came back more confident.

I would never ever have booked her on the course against her wishes. It would have been a total betrayal of trust at a time (impending teenagerdom) where I need to gain trust and keep communication open and honest.

RhiWrites · 22/05/2016 02:21

OP, they don't teach Architecture at Oxford Uni but Oxford Brookes is one of the top places to study it. Why not compromise and suggest a day trip to see both?

Oxford Uni isn't for everyone, I studied there and I don't think it was the best decision of my life. I work at Brookes now and live n Oxford and I love the city in general.

I'm surprised at her not wanting to go to the Women in STEM event though. Our Faculty, which includes Architecture, does a lot of this kind of event.

What does she actually want to do or get involved with? Does she just turn things down or does she ever enthusiastically join in?

nooka · 22/05/2016 02:24

I can see that that would be both an exciting and a scary opportunity Myfriends, and I'd take a very similar approach, but your daughter's trip was a big deal (I'm impressed she decided to go and I hope it was fantastic!) this is probably a day trip on a coach/train with a bunch of people she knows. Plus 14 is a lot older than 11 surely?

The OP isn't forcing her dd to go on this trip, she has signed her up, and I assume that she has told the dd why she thinks it's a good opportunity and also that if her dd really doesn't want to go she will allow her to drop out. I just don't see it as massively high pressure to say something like 'what a great opportunity dd, I signed you up'. It's not as if she is saying that the dd must go to Oxford, just go and see for yourself what it's like.

Baconyum · 22/05/2016 02:30

Books the dd has said she doesn't want to go, it's not just she doesn't know about it.

MyFriendsCallMeOh · 22/05/2016 02:33

But the dd has already said she doesn't want to go and op has signed her up regardless. I feel that the op is being so careful not to make the mistakes she feels her DM made, she has swung to the other extreme without listening or trying to understand her dds perspective in this case.

AgentZigzag · 22/05/2016 02:52

'I just don't see it as massively high pressure to say something like 'what a great opportunity dd, I signed you up'.'

It might not be if her DD didn't have MH problems.

The OP might not be forcing her to go but her expectations seem to take precedence over how her DD feels about it all, maybe she couldn't give a rats arse about her future career and her struggle to just keep herself on an even keel is far more important to her at the minute?

Her Mum signing her up to look round a university which is renown for having high standards and huge amounts of pressure doesn't really show that she's trying to understand what makes her DD tick, of any support of her by creating a safe and secure space at home where she can be herself.

MyFriendsCallMeOh · 22/05/2016 02:55

"The OP isn't forcing her...."

Read the thread title.....

differentnameforthis · 22/05/2016 03:15

Yes you are. You can't force her into what you want her to be.
Also, how fragile is she? Being forced into doing something like this would result in my daughter's friend (very similar MH/self harm/anxiety) melting down on a massive scale.

icklekid · 22/05/2016 03:15

I hear Oxford has some stunning architecture that might be worth looking at dd? I think at that age if her friends are keen she would happily go, if they haven't been chosen or she feels singled out (especially with low self esteem) she won't be persuaded or get anything out of the trip...

Canyouforgiveher · 22/05/2016 03:16

You're talking about being 22 and having a diploma from a polytech as something that should be avoided at all costs! It's not a slippery slope to an unfulfilled life with only lonely old age to look forward to grin

I agree, Which is why I didn't say that. You did.

i have a 15 year old who has MH and self harming issues. But I am still working for her to have as many opportunities as she can. We are well off and in a private school system so this is maybe easier. But the biggest stress for us is constantly staying with her, saying to her, you can do this, helping her, supporting her, realising that she is only 15, that what she is right now is NOT her entire potential.

I wouldn't want any 14 year old to have her horizons limited by what her 14 year old self decides. My 15 year old is already so far ahead of her 14 year old self. But if we had listened to what she wanted at 14, god knows where she would be now.

14 and 15 year olds need their parents to help and support and I think this is what the OP wants to do.

AgentZigzag · 22/05/2016 03:27

' But if we had listened to what she wanted at 14, god knows where she would be now.'

Which is why 14 YOs don't have to make any life changing decisions.

There's no need for her to be looking round a university when she hasn't even done her GCSEs yet!

Her Mum's suggested something and she's said thanks but no thanks, but she's now getting pressured over something that isn't even remotely important, either in the grand scheme of things or to her DD personally.

The OP's already said why she's pushing her, and it doesn't have anything to do with her DD, it's all about her resolving her feelings about her own Mum's lack of interest in her school life.

She should resolve those without involving her DD and try to shield her from them. Her DD sounds to have enough on her plate without taking on her Mum's problems too.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 22/05/2016 07:34

I don't think you should force her. My 15 yo DD is probably top of her class at a super selective grammar, but is adamant she doesn't want to go to Oxbridge, and also does not take up all the opportunities offered to her because of her abilities.

She does enough extra curricular (instruments, sport, DofE) and wants to study the subject she is passionate about at a London university. I've realised if that's what she wants, fine, Oxbridge isn't for everyone, and I think the intensity would be too much unless you really wanted to go there. Regarding your DD, OP, I think 14 is still young, and missing one trip isn't going to determine her whole life trajectory.

I think as parents we should still guide our teens, but once we have imparted all the facts, we should listen to their views. Otherwise the pressure can get too much. Your DD already has some MH concerns, and I would worry that extra pressure could exacerbate them.

Regarding my DD, if she wanted to drop out of school, I might have to take a firmer line, but she doesn't, she just doesn't see the need to be the best. And I think that is actually quite healthy.

FarAwayHills · 22/05/2016 07:46

What difference will it make if your DD does not go? There is such a fine line between being encouraging and pressurising you really need to tread very carefully.

At this moment in time she is dealing with other issues and this should be your priority. The last thing she needs is the burden of expectation. Has she mentioned a desire to study at Oxford or is this you living through your DD?

jonsnowssocks · 22/05/2016 07:56

If she's self-harming through feelings of worthlessness rather than anxiety, maybe what she needs is someone to not give up on her and to help her believe she deserves the good things in her life.

LIZS · 22/05/2016 07:58

She doesn't need to visit or attend stem events at 14 to determine whether to apply to Oxbridge in 4 years time. By all means give her the option to go on the trip and be positive about why she is being invited but if that isn't where her interest currently lies it isn't worth pushing.

jonsnowssocks · 22/05/2016 07:58

To clarify, not saying that anyone else is advocating 'giving up'; just contemplating a different approach.

londonrach · 22/05/2016 08:00

Yabu. Listen to your dd. She told you what she wants to do at the present time. Yes shes 14 and can change her mind in which case private trip to oxford or whatever she expressed an interest in.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 22/05/2016 08:07

remembering how I was at that age, whenever I was forced to do something I would be in such a foul mood that I would hate every aspect.
You may well put her off the idea of Oxford forever doing this.

MyCatWasRightAboutYou · 22/05/2016 08:08

Is she staying away from home? As someone that does have MH and self harm issues, I can see why she doesn't want to go. Those things are hard enough to manage day-to-day. Being away from home and around unfamiliar people/places can really exacerbate them.
I would imagine there's quite a lot of pressure on her already with being predicted high grades. You coercing her into doing something she doesn't really want to do just adds to that.
YANBU to want her to make the most of opportunities, but YABU to not take her feelings into account.

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