To make dd go on a school trip

[UterusUterusGhali]

Dd is just 14.

She is a wonderful girl, and good student. She struggles in certain subjects but is overall good in the subjects she is interested in.

She had MH issues. Self harm.

She has been invited to view oxford uni, as she has been predicted good grades. There are 32 in her year that have been invited.

She says she doesn't care or want to go, but I feel it would be a great opportunity. She also refused a "women in STEM" event that she was invited to, one of the few in her school.

She wants to be an architect, or possibly something in mental health.

I have signed her up for the oxford trip.

AIBU?

[AuntieKippers]

Why she doesn't want to go is the key and needs listening to.
It may be some short term issue-like a friend is picking on her etc. and she might need help handling that.
I agree that parents sometimes have to give children a nudge but this girl is already showing emotional difficulties and it would be easy at this point to get into a downward spiral. That's why I think its so important.

This girl needs to be encouraged to confide in her Mum and her Mum needs to really listen rather than say "but this is such a great opportunity etc"

[notagiraffe]

Not going on this trip does not mean not going to Oxford.

That's very true. But I would be wary of letting a teenager constantly reject interesting rare opportunities, particularly one who has low self esteem, as it suggests she may not think she deserves such places, or could meet their requirements. Maybe she could;'t or would;'t want to, but that lack of curiosity is something as a parent, I;d want to address.

But DS has ASD and never wants to do anything new. Nor does DH. Unless I become a temporary bully (which I hate being) they never do anything which they then go on to love and think back on as the best times of their lives, so my judgement on this is probably skewed.

[MyFriendsCallMeOh]

The problem is that no-one, not even her dm, knows why she doesn't want to go. Maybe she's feeling coerced into doing something she has no interest in and is digging in her heels, maybe she doesn't see the point because she has no intention whatsoever of applying to Oxford (especially as they don't offer the course she is interested in), maybe someone at school is making life difficult for her and will be on the trip....

Op needs to get to the bottom of this, not to get her daughter to go on the trip but to establish a closer and more communicative relationship with her dd.

[dowhatnow]

Op, look into your heart and think about the pressure you've put her under in the past. From what you've read, are you able to think of any way to move forward helping dd?
A candid chat about pressure in general and unconditional love, might not be a bad idea. Apologising for inadvertent pressure might also help within the context of a general conversation. It might help her to open up about how she really feels.
What have you done to tackle the self harming? Is she having any counselling?

[JustHappy3]

Does she like her school mates? (Sorry not read the full thread) I will never forget the relief i felt when i realiaed the geography gcse field trip was not compulsory and i refused to go. Bliss for me - total consternation and irritation for the school I think as they had to bring the day trip for suffers up to scratch. And I loved uni but would have hated going in a group. Is she frightened of loving it and not getting it? I would also look at collegic unis like Durham (hild bede and the hill colleges not the more public school ones on the bailey) for better "care".