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AIBU?

Odd incident with colleague

191 replies

RainIsAGoodThing · 21/05/2016 20:12

Last night a colleague gave me a lift home from a talk we both had to attend (I KNOW, on a FRIDAY night).

I've worked with this man for about 2 years now, and we've always got on well professionally. He's about 20 years older than me, married and has a child of about 1.

He often offers me lifts home from work things after hours, because we live reasonably close and I think he has fatherly concerns about young women wandering the streets after dark, etc. Fine. Sometimes I accept, sometimes I don't. Yesterday I did as it was raining

I've had a mild cold for about a week. He definitely knows this as I may have, ahem, mentioned it moaned non stop for the whole week. I didn't take any time off though as its mild and I can't be taking time off for every sniffle. I know some people think you should stay off in order to not spread germs around, but I'd probably face a disciplinary if I took time off every time I was under the weather.

Anyway. So we're driving along, and suddenly I sneeze. Not a disgusting snotty one but a reasonably normal, averagely loud sneeze.

He turns to me deadly serious and says: 'if you give me an illness that spreads to my child, I will fucking knock your teeth down your throat'.

That was that - we weren't far from my house so we said goodbye perfectly normally and off I went. But I've been thinking about it today and AIBU to think that's a really bloody odd thing to say to a colleague you've offered a lift to?!?

OP posts:

Report

Brightside65 · 22/05/2016 09:04

The amount of times on here the advice straight away is "go to police" - they would need to open a special branch just to deal with MN.

Waste of time. The op I doubt felt threatened, surprised maybe, shocked yes but it's taken her to post on here and get advice to decide to follow it up - too many people fuel and dramatise.

Report it to the police then what? Have to continue working with the guy?

There's better ways to resolve things - speak to him directly or with someone but the police scenario is Comical.

Brightside65 · 22/05/2016 09:05

The amount of times on here the advice straight away is "go to police" - they would need to open a special branch just to deal with MN.

Waste of time. The op I doubt felt threatened, surprised maybe, shocked yes but it's taken her to post on here and get advice to decide to follow it up - too many people fuel and dramatise.

Report it to the police then what? Have to continue working with the guy?

There's better ways to resolve things - speak to him directly or with someone but the police scenario is Comical.

liz70 · 22/05/2016 09:06

Well, I'm glad you think so, BS.

Zaurak · 22/05/2016 09:10

If she is put in a situation again with this colleague where they are alone (for example a late offsite work meeting) and he actually does 'knock her teeth down her throat' then what? Does she get victim blamed because ' you should have known what he was like'?

If this happened to someone I managed I'd be taking it very seriously and taking steps to make sure said two employees were never, ever in a position where a. One could harm the other and b. Questions would be asked as to why the company knew about this and did nothing,

I've probably said 'oh heck don't give me that cold, I'll die' or something like that, but the specific phrasing used is violent, specific and frankly a big red flag.

Op, you need to talk to your manager and put it in writing they need to know about this. They probably won't take any action but you must have a paper trail

RomComPhooey · 22/05/2016 09:13

Brightside - this is covered under our criminal statutes. I have seen convictions for threats of violence on DBS certificates. I can't remember the correct terminology for the charge, but it exists.

winkywinkola · 22/05/2016 09:39

Bright side, you suggested this threat should be taken as office banter. Blimey. It's a really good job you're not the op's manager.

harshbuttrue1980 · 22/05/2016 09:44

Normally I'm a "suck it up and get on with it" sort of person. However, there's something about this scenario that makes me feel creeped out. I think its the specificness of the threat, saying exactly what he would do. I would report it to your manager at work - not for them to do anything about it, but so it is on record in case he does this again to you or someone else. When a pattern is seen then managers can act, but a pattern can't be seen if people don't report weirdos like him.

bertsdinner · 22/05/2016 09:51

I dont think I'd go to the police but I probably would mention it to a manager, in case you are asked to work with him in the future, eg travelling to meetings, etc together. They dont necessarily have to speak to him but at least they are aware and it may make it easier for you to avoid him.

Gabilan · 22/05/2016 10:12

Bogey oddly enough my first thought was "first wife left with good reason" without knowing if she exists.

Op he sounds nasty and this needs reporting at work but then I'd just avoid him, other than a wary eye.

thekaratekid · 22/05/2016 10:51

Bloody hell OP. Sorry to hear this happened to you. Just reading that gave me the chills. He sounds like he is either boundary testing or at best has very little "self filtering"...but if that was the case, you think he would have apologised right away...

Has there been any other incidents or little comments at work? For instance, having a perfectly normal conversation about work tasks and coming out with a "put down" comment or the like? I have a colleague who somethings comes out with odd things (nothing like the above), but it is enough to make me keep my distance. What do other colleagues think of this man? Have you noticed anyone else keeping their distance? You may not be the first to have experienced this. Maybe a confidential chat with a trusted supervisor might be wise.

eddielizzard · 22/05/2016 11:32

wow. bang out of order. i would tell someone at work, and never accept another lift.

VioletSunshine · 22/05/2016 11:45

RomComPhooey - is the term "affray"? Was looking at that one this morning and it sounds like it fits...

MangoMoon · 22/05/2016 12:09

Gabilan, me too!

Definitely not someone I'd want to be alone with again - proper serial killer stuff.

Make sure you let rl people know about it.

SmellOfPythonInTheMorning · 22/05/2016 12:13

I'd take this very seriously - mention it to HR and then make sure I'm never, ever, ever alone with him.

GoblinLittleOwl · 22/05/2016 12:19

Have you enough sangfroid to say to him loudly in the office on Monday morning:
" I do hope you didn't catch my cold on Friday, because I don't want my teeth knocked down my expletive throat."
And don't get in the car with him again.

50shadesofknackered · 22/05/2016 12:25

I'm actually a bit confused with pp wondering if this was a joke. Even if the man in question said it as a joke I don't think it's ever funny or acceptable to threaten to knock someone's fucking teeth down their throats. Particularly not a much younger woman who you have offered a lift to. I would be shocked, offended and feel very threatened if anyone said this to me even if they claimed it was a joke. Actually as I write i'm getting angrier about this, maybe men wouldn't feel they were able to treat women so poorly if so many women weren't so eager to make excuses for them. Would you accept this from a husband or partner? Would you think a random person saying this to you on the street was a joke. would you tell a woman who's husband had threatened to do this to her that it might have been a joke, however if it wasn't a joke that would not be ok? Unbelievable!! Op, I find this very disturbing and I think you absolutely should speak to someone at work about this. I would cut all contact with this man dead and I would tell anybody that asked why.

AHellOfABird · 22/05/2016 12:36

Goblin, I think the man would then come out with "god, just a bit of banter" - the reporting angle is probably better.

UnGoogleable · 22/05/2016 14:07

The biggest issue here is the apparent ease with which he used that very specific threat - he has clearly used it before, it's not something you just come out with.

Which means he's a nasty piece of work, and is used to threatening people.

I agree that reporting it to the police is way too far, and if it were me I probably wouldn't report it to HR either because I'd consider it something said outside of work hours. But I'd just keep away from him in the future.

MsBojangles · 22/05/2016 14:35

That sent shivers done my spine, OP.

Go with your instincts, mine are screaming AVOID!

MsBojangles · 22/05/2016 14:37

*Down my spine. Bloody fat finger.

londonrach · 22/05/2016 14:38

Shudder! I dont like the sound of this. Dont ever be alone with me op.

Pollaidh · 22/05/2016 15:09

Yes, I remember from a recent training course on harassment etc. that it is not the abuser's intention, but the effect and impact that counts legally.

We were shown cases where the abuser claimed what they had said about someone being an old fogey, or homophobic jokes in the presence of someone they thought to be gay, were jokes or office banter, but given the impact on the victims, the cases were found in the victim's favour.

Your employer has a legal responsibility to take this seriously and to protect you from harm and harassment.

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Libitina · 22/05/2016 16:05

Trust your instinct OP.

eddielizzard · 22/05/2016 16:30

a quote from steven spielberg about how your instinct whispers, it doesn't shout. so you have to listen really hard to hear what your instinct is.

your instinct is niggling about this guy. def do something about it.

emilybohemia · 22/05/2016 16:55

Reporting it to the police is not way too far at all. He made a verbal threat.

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