Odd incident with colleague

[RainIsAGoodThing]

Last night a colleague gave me a lift home from a talk we both had to attend (I KNOW, on a FRIDAY night).

I've worked with this man for about 2 years now, and we've always got on well professionally. He's about 20 years older than me, married and has a child of about 1.

He often offers me lifts home from work things after hours, because we live reasonably close and I think he has fatherly concerns about young women wandering the streets after dark, etc. Fine. Sometimes I accept, sometimes I don't. Yesterday I did as it was raining

I've had a mild cold for about a week. He definitely knows this as I may have, ahem, mentioned it moaned non stop for the whole week. I didn't take any time off though as its mild and I can't be taking time off for every sniffle. I know some people think you should stay off in order to not spread germs around, but I'd probably face a disciplinary if I took time off every time I was under the weather.

Anyway. So we're driving along, and suddenly I sneeze. Not a disgusting snotty one but a reasonably normal, averagely loud sneeze.

He turns to me deadly serious and says: 'if you give me an illness that spreads to my child, I will fucking knock your teeth down your throat'.

That was that - we weren't far from my house so we said goodbye perfectly normally and off I went. But I've been thinking about it today and AIBU to think that's a really bloody odd thing to say to a colleague you've offered a lift to?!?

[VioletBam]

I think you should tell your manager. Ask for a private meeting. Tell it like you did here.

[RomComPhooey]

As for the notion that it could be a joke - he will be deliberately hiding behind this. It doesn't stop it being intimidating. The intent was to alarm the OP.

A few years ago when we had a despot leading our department, I had a chat about his behaviour with a friend who works in HR. She said that anyone being targetted should keep a diary of events with details of the circumstances, any witnesses and how it made the individual on the receiving end feel. She said that was relevant in hearings and tribunals, as its the impact on the target that is important not the intent (I guess a lot of bullying & sexual harrassment gets passed off as 'banter'). If you felt uncomfortable or afraid, that's relevant. Make a note of it, even if you don't report. You could even write an account of events, post it to yourself as signed for/tracked mail & keep it safe, unopened, in case you ever need a contemporaneous account.

[bringbacksideburns]

Report first thing Monday at work.

Do you share an office with this weirdo? Hopefully not.

Avoid any conversations with him or eye contact. If he asks if there's a problem/ whatever then you can say Yes, actually. I don't appreciate being threatened with violence because I sneezed in your car.

Keep a very wide berth in future.

[MrsEricBana]

Definitely report it so it is on the record in case he does anything like it again (or in case he has done something like it before). Even said as a joke (which it wasn't), not okay.

[Bogeyface]

So the wonderful new life with the younger wife hasnt worked out quite how he had hoped?

Keep an eye on this one, he will get worse before she leaves him gets better. Definitely talk to HR about getting it recorded but with no further action, because you wont be the first or last person that ends up on the wrong end of his mouth.

[SuperFlyHigh]

Report to HR and or police and tell friends am etc.

Do not under any circumstances be alone with him again.

In my last job we employed A friend of an employee who'd been let go at their last job as they were convicted of verbal assault, I know as was boss' pa and we shared email
Folders. Anyway a month after he arrived he wanted to do work with his old company but sent an email from my old work email not from his email and he came down to my PC to send it (didn't ask but demanded it) when I hesitated He grabbed my hand with the mouse in it and grabbed mouse off me and sent it. I then asked why from my email etc and he went into a rant it had to be from me as he hated his old boss she was female a bitch, bipolar etc. We had witnesses to this. He was unpleasant to me after this and I left not long after! Glad I did. Nutter!
From

[SuperFlyHigh]

In fact it's probably a good thing he's said this as he's inadvertently flagged up his potential psycho tendencies.

That's the thing we've got no idea how he is at home etc but I'm sure nutters (men and women alike) hide this side of them well. It certainly is not ok and never should be seen as OK. Check your company handbook.

[KoalaDownUnder]

That's fucking horrible. I felt my eyes go wide in my head when I read that!

There's something nasty simmering under there.

Yes, I would have a word with your boss. It's not 'nothing to do with work', at all. It was said during a ride home from a work event with a work colleague.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

My Goodness. Please never ever be alone with him again. He's beyond dangerous. Infact if it were me. I'd be calling it threatening behaviour.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Yes talk to your boss. How long before his nasty behaviour starts happening in work.

[ArmfulOfRoses]

When you report if, don't second guess yourself and say he could have been joking.

You say he gave no indication of it at the time, so trust that, you have no reason to try and defend him.

[ShizeItsWeegie]

I would send your female colleague an email explaining what happened and copy yourself in but don't open the copy. That way you have evidence of contemporary notes about it. Tell her you don't want anything done if you want. Once there are several of these type of things, something can be done though.

[Roonerspism]

What everyone else said. He sounds awful. Just awful.

[MardleBum]

Wow, that is really odd and quite sinister.

I think I'd have to say something to be honest. I'd be inclined to write him an email and say thanks for all the helpful lifts so far but from now on you'll be keeping your relationship purely civil and professional in office hours only and avoiding any other contact with him because what he said was chilling, offensive and completely inappropriate and it's made you feel very uncomfortable indeed. And say you are feeling inclined to report it to HR in case he does actually come down with a cold.

What an utter wanker.

[Baconyum]

There was a thread on around Christmas time about a mner who was sexually harassed/assaulted at her works Christmas do, I and others checked the acas advice about things that happen outside of work but with colleagues. Absolutely this is something you can report at work. Not least because they can ensure you're not left alone with him at work. I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't the first actually.

[Sherash]

You work in a small office? On Monday, I'd share the incident with a trusted co-worker. I'm a fairly assertive person, and I'd be telling him his comment was unfriendly and intimidating and I'm keeping a wide berth.

On second thoughts, yes write it in an email to keep a written record. Don't let the bastard get away with it. Regardless of an age difference, you are a work colleague and should be treated with respect and equality.

[Brightside65]

You said there in banter in the office - is it dry humour? I would take this as s joke - only you know the humour this guy has in office.

Those who say go to police/report it what a waste of police time!!!

If you genuinely felt threatened safeguard yourself and don't be in his car but at same time don't let people on here fuel things! There's posters who love an over reaction

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

I bet your right arm this man will hit you if he has the chance
No excuses, stay away... And have an unofficial chat with your boss

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

You said there in banter in the office - is it dry humour? I would take this as s joke - only you know the humour this guy has in office.
But she didn't take it as a joke although she works in that environment hence she came here. Her instinct told her that's not right, why convince her otherwise

[MardleBum]

The OP made it clear that she looked for signs of it being a joke and there were none.

[winkywinkola]

Wow.

Someone threatening to smash your teeth down your throat could actually be taken as a joke?

As some sort of banter?

Wrong.

Creepy guy. Avoid avoid avoid. And put the incident in writing to your manager.

[Zaurak]

You must, must mention this to your boss. For two reasons:

1. Paper trail (follow up your talk with an email.) just tell it exactly as you did in your op. Don't minimise it, don't say 'he may have been joking'. Tell them it frightened you. Follow up with an email along the lines of, ' thanks for your time just now. I just want to let you know that X said X to me and it made me feel frightened and vulnerable. I appreciate you listening.'
   

1. You were at a work event together . I don't know what you go for a job but that suggests to me there will be other times in the future you may end up with this man after hours, or alone. that is a very vulnerable position to be in and that's why work need to know. They have a duty of care towards you and must not put you in this position again.
   

It's absolutely vital you tell your boss and follow up in writing I can't emphasise this enough. You must have it written down.

[MardleBum]

I agree

[liz70]

"Those who say go to police/report it what a waste of police time!!! "

Not at all. It was a threat of extreme physical violence uttered to a lone woman, in a vulnerable position, effectively trapped in a vehicle with a man. A man who has threatened her. That is a criminal offence, and as such I would report it.

[dudsville]

Steer clear, that's creepy.