to think we were OK to use the disabled changing room

[Creasedupcrinkle]

I have lupus. I have the classic skin rash on my face and my joints are bad. I can't bend very well at all, my knees give way. My eldest child has autism, dyspraxia and sensory processing disorder. It had taken us three while hours to leave the house such were her meltdowns today. Child 2 has motor skills issues and child 3 is deaf. They are 7,6 and 5. Going anywhere is a struggle as DD doesn't do change and physical sensation well (although she lives swimming), DS1 has to have everything done for him and DS2 can't hear.

At a huge swimming/sports complex, we used the larger, disabled changing room to change. There were two. As we came out the mother of a child in a big electric wheelchair stopped us and said "you know this is the disabled one?" I said "yes, and not all disabilities are visual." She huffed and walked into the changing room before we had even finished even though there was an empty one next door.
Then her husband said "you know it's only for physical disabilities" and lifted his daughter out of her chair. I said "not all disabilities are obvious" and he snorted. The mum came back out and my husband went and got the rest of our gear, and she said "you shouldn't use this cubicle, use another." My husband said "I'm not going to stand here discussing this in front of our children but some disabilities are invisible." She slammed the door!

Were we actually unreasonable?

total if you wonder why the OP didn't use a normal changing room, maybe you should have read her post up to the end.

BECAUSE of these people attitude, the OP DID use the normal changing rooms when going out. From her description, did you rethink it was a sucess? Did you think she will go back to the swimming pool with her dcs in these conditions or will it be too much for all of them, not just the OP but her dcs who all have disabilities too??

That's why even people who don't have obvious physical disabilities also need adapted environment.

And that's wo talking abut the fact there was a no her cubicle available for them but they clearly wanted to make a point.

Sometimes, I wondering if we shouldn't have cards (like you have a blue badge for cars) to be able to show 'yes I'm disabled too even if it's not visible'

You certainly qualify to use it in my book.

The other family were unreasonable. You were quite right to stick up for your family - and of course you were as entitled to use the disabled facilities as they were.

I found this website when considering a badge for invisible disibilities.

stickmancommunications.co.uk

I get the impression people are very judgemental of disibilities aside from the most obvious. I get stares if I do use a stick, usually ending in looking at my feet as if checking out what my disibility is. I'm similar to hanglow in having pelvic issues, plus lower back and leg pain/weakness - due to nerve damage. I'd never stare at a walking stick user in that way so I find it odd.

Poverty it's not about disabled top trumps. My point was that someone with a wheelchair would need a specially adapted changing room, someone who is deaf for example would not. The op explained why she needed it, (in a very reasonable manner rather than making sweeping statements about people 'like me' ) and when explained I totally understand why she needed it, as I said. People 'like you' probably don't help matters with your aggressive stance

I like this graphic, there are loads of similar ones available.

Happy, one more than one occasion I have been tempted to get business cards printed with 'not all disabilities are visible' on one side and the UK legal definition on the other side.

And to illustrate the tantrums v meltdown terminology

Of course you were OK to use the disabled facilities.

Those people were being unreasonable.

I would agree with those suggesting that the symbol used to denote "accessible" (disabled) facilities is perhaps unhelpful and should be changed. Not all disabilities require use of a wheelchair, and I think that seeing that symbol means that a wheelchair (as a minimum) is what people are expecting to see.

Op I feel for you.

Should this ever occur again tell them to fuck off, you are not playing wheelchair trumps all.

I don't think you were being unreasonable but having struggled with kids and a disability, I know that desperation drives you to resent anyone uses the meagre resources if they seem to need it less. Unreasonable, yes! Eg. I remember resenting people parking in a disabled space in an ordinary car who didn't need to use a wheelchair adapted vehicle, because I then had absolutely nowhere to park my vehicle until they came back. Looking back, it was most unreasonable but when every outing with small children and a disability is an ordeal, you lash out. Sorry.

YWNBU - I probably was while pregnant though when I decided "being disabled by a very full bladder" was reason enough to nip into M&S disabled toilet the ladies' queue was fucking huge

Me too blankmind and I share whenever I see it on Facebook .

This must have been really awful for you and your family. You are more than entitled to use the disability facilities, as you are all covered by the Equality Act which has the Disability Discrimination Act encorporated within it.

Unfortunately, some people are still very ignorant about disability, which is so sad in this day and age. Just keep on standing your ground as you have done so far.

I get this a lot. I have more than one invisible disability and I hate the comments I get or the dirty looks. My Dd begs me not to park in disabled spaces because She gets embarrassed at people shouting over to us (this happens often) - I will use a disabled toilet sometimes when I'm flaring up and if anyone dares to comment I will give a piece of my rather expletive mind. Sadly there does seem to be a them and us between visibly disabled and those with hidden disabilities. Parents /carers are often worse than the disabled people themselves.

Of course yanbu and I'm very much the type of person who thinks you should leave services free for people with disabilities as much as possible eg I don't use lifts when there are stairs etc.
I did used to take my ds who has autism and sensory processing difficulties into the disabled loo because he was very distressed by people using the handryers in the ladies to the extent he would sooner wet himself than go in. He's much less sensitive to noise now and happy to just cover his ears/put his hood up so we use the ladies now and leave the disabled loo for those who need it. Changing ooms have never been an issue for us fortunately.
You clearly do need the extra space so should not feel guilty about it.

PestilentialCat I don't blame you. Disabled loos may be there for a specific group but that doesn't mean everyone else should wet themselves rather than use one.

OP - I take my hat off to you. YWNBU at all.

Thankyou. I'm very heartened by this.

To add to the excellent diagrams posted, and the v useful Stickman page, this is one of my favourites.

I am going to buck the trend here, but I can see why they might be annoyed. You can use other changing rooms they can not.

It could be argued that as dad could lift the girl out of the chair they didn't need it and could have used another one.

Or they could use the other accessible changing room that was available.

My sister's got a disability and has a blue badge. Its psoratic arthritis, sometimes she has trouble walking/getting out of car as her joints are badly affected.
She's had people having a go when using the disabled bay, both disabled and non disabled people. She used to argue back but now just ignores it or tells them to do one.
Like a poster upthread, she's taken to using a stick, even when she dosnt need it. The stick is like a visible sign of her disability, to look at her she is young, fit and healthy. Sometimes she can barely walk and found without the stick people were getting uppity because she takes ages to get round the shop/pack shopping.

Having a disabled child doesn't turn unpleasant people into nice ones
^ this

Of course YWNBU. You were being amazing parents taking your whole family swimming despite considerable challenges.

It's always horrible when someone behaves aggressively towards you, especially if it happens unexpectedly. It can really shake you, and then prey on your mind for ages.

I hope this thread will help you to put their bad behaviour into the "something twattish" box in your mind where it has no power over you. And that you will keep going swimming, and do anything else you want to do, using the facilities which have been put there for everyone who needs them, including you. If you feel that twinge of anxiety, then think of this thread and everyone here who is wishing you and your family well.

Sorry you had to go through this! They are twats... Anyone who has a kid wirh a disability who either :

1.Doesn't recognise that not all disabilities are identical: twat!

1. Wants to get into a 'my disability is worse than yours' competition : twat.

Three cheers for you for having fun and going swimming (although I realise us people with disabilities really should not do anything enjoyable as we should be weeping copiously begging in the Street for money! To fulfil others perceptions!