to think we were OK to use the disabled changing room

[Creasedupcrinkle]

I have lupus. I have the classic skin rash on my face and my joints are bad. I can't bend very well at all, my knees give way. My eldest child has autism, dyspraxia and sensory processing disorder. It had taken us three while hours to leave the house such were her meltdowns today. Child 2 has motor skills issues and child 3 is deaf. They are 7,6 and 5. Going anywhere is a struggle as DD doesn't do change and physical sensation well (although she lives swimming), DS1 has to have everything done for him and DS2 can't hear.

At a huge swimming/sports complex, we used the larger, disabled changing room to change. There were two. As we came out the mother of a child in a big electric wheelchair stopped us and said "you know this is the disabled one?" I said "yes, and not all disabilities are visual." She huffed and walked into the changing room before we had even finished even though there was an empty one next door.
Then her husband said "you know it's only for physical disabilities" and lifted his daughter out of her chair. I said "not all disabilities are obvious" and he snorted. The mum came back out and my husband went and got the rest of our gear, and she said "you shouldn't use this cubicle, use another." My husband said "I'm not going to stand here discussing this in front of our children but some disabilities are invisible." She slammed the door!

Were we actually unreasonable?

[GreatFuckability]

I don't really see why you need a disabled changing room for deafness or motor issues, for your lupus and autism I do agree with you. But as there was two adults I wonder if you could have split into two rooms and used regular ones. So, whilst I don't think you were unreasonable if you can use a regular room, I think you should.

[ALemonyPea]

You had every right to use that room.

If you are challenged again, please either speak to the staff there, or ask whoever is challenging you to do so.

[Creasedupcrinkle]

We could conceivably have split the kids so I could change 2 and DH 1, but DD has form for sprinting off so we always need a second adult around cos if she legs it and I'm naked/can't run, there's a disaster! In any case I'd have to wait for DH to help me with the bags and fastens, so it's all much easier if we are in one space.

[VestalVirgin]

Not being able to bend is a kind of physical disability, isn't it? So I don't really see the problem here.
With children who just throw tantrums, it is more difficult, as there's a line somewhere ... all children are difficult sometimes.

Perhaps you should just tell them what your disability is next time this happens - stating that not all disabilities are visible could be taken to mean that you don't have one, as it is only implied in the statement.
(No idea whether non-disabled people using the facilities for disabled people would rather make a general statement than lie directly, some people lie for sport ... but perhaps that was her assumption.)

[Vixyboo]

Try to feel empathy for the other parent rather than anger if you can. Xx you are both coping with a lot. Yadnbu

[PastaLaFeasta]

Some invisible disibilities are also physical totalrecall. My disibility isn't at all obvious a lot of the time. I could even jump out of the car and slightly jog if I'm really lucky and having an a amazing day. Today on the other hand, I've barely got out of bed because I'm in agony and have just managed to stagger to the toilet and back a few times. So more accessible facilities would probably make a big difference - having extra room and seating, even having a raised toilet can help. Because it's invisible and I'm young I've taken to carrying a walking stick so I can use it if I'm feeling particularly vulnerable - people walking into me or expecting me to jump out of the way or offer my seat on the bus. I imagine the OP will have similar physical issues with her mobility that are also not obvious. And that's before touching on the children.

[PovertyPain]

Total, I think you'll find that Lupus IS a physical disability.

I'm sorry you gad to go through that, OP. When I used to park in any disabled spot and get out, I would get dirty looks, especially when I got the dogs out youre not supposed to have dogs if you're disabled! ya know!, then the sympathetic looks would start when I'd go around to the passenger seat and help my very ill husband out.

My wee girl won't use lifts because she is frightened someone will tell her off! She has severe learning difficulties and panics if there is too much outside stimuli. Well done to judgemental people like you total. People like you have made a young woman, 21yrs old but looks like a 14yr old, feel even more confused about her place in the world. She struggles to keep calm on stairs, because she's not disabled ENOUGH or has accidents because she doesn't use a wheelchair so has a panic attack if I suggest using the disabled toilets. Well done to all those who like to play disabled top trumps. slow hand clap

[x2boys]

Why should anyone have to discuss their disabilities though Vesta ? There is enough of a problem with people not recognising disabilities that are not always obvious nobody should have to justify them .

[Creasedupcrinkle]

Vestalvirgin a meltdown as a result of autism isn't a tantrum. Tantrums I can deal with. Full on meltdown, not so much!

I wasn't about to start discussing the nature of our issues in a busy changing room in front of the children, and I wouldn't expect them to either.

[PovertyPain]

Sorry, I mean a disabled toilet NOT a wheelchair. Was thinking about my dear husband while typing that.

[PastaLaFeasta]

And who cares if she could have struggled to make do in two separate changing rooms (tiny cubacles in some places), if it causes stress and difficulty it may put her off going at all - I know I don't go out as much knowing the potential difficulties I could face, it not worth it. It's much better to have people be able to use facilities which make life easier and more in line with able bodied people.

[Welshmaenad]

Just because a disability isn't immediately visually obvious doesn't mean it isn't a physical disability, and just because a disability isn't physical doesn't mean someone doesn't need the additional space that disabled facilities provide. Of course you weren't unreasonable. I'm constantly challenged for parking in disabled spaces with my DD. She has cerebral palsy but can walk most of the time and her splint isn't immediately clocked my some. We have s blue badge, we display it, and we need the space to open the door wide for her and the proximity to wherever we're going but because she isn't always in her wheelchair some people feel they have the right to be arseholes.

[ALemonyPea]

Vestal, a meltdown is completely different to a tantrum, the child is not intentionally being difficult.

[Inertia]

Yanbu. Not all disabilities require the use of a wheelchair.

[x2boys]

My response to anyone who thinks my son's disabilities are not disabilities because he's not in a wheelchair is he gets DLA so the people that matter seem to agree with me .

[ohtheholidays]

No of course you weren't and I was expecting to be saying YWBU because of past threads on here.

I'm disabled myself OP and I have to use a wheelchair,we have 5DC and 2 of our DC are disabled and one of our oldest DS is deaf,so 4 out of the 7 of us.There is no way me or my DH would have had a go at you,you and your family had every right to use that changing room.

But we would have told the other parents to wind they're necks in for you.

[doyourballshanglow]

YANBU

Some people treat being disabled like disability top trumps. The UK legal definition of disability is

a physical or mental impairment which has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on your ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities

I dont 'look' disabled at first glance. Although if you had x ray vision you would soon quickly find out about the properly fucked pelvis thanks to long term SPD and the spinal arthritis. And my (locked) medicine cabinet has a rather interesting selection of controlled drugs in it.

Some days I can and do walk a good few miles for the fun of it.
Other days I need my husbands help to get off the sofa, get the kids to put my socks on, or even spend most of the day led down because doing anything else isnt happening. Have a look at the spoon theory.

However my strategy in situations where I get the 'but you dont look disabled' spiel is to tell the person who is saying it exactly why I am disabled. In quite graphic terms.

and for you, OP. I'm sorry you had to go through this infront of your family.

[ohtheholidays]

Vestal Tantrums Ha Fucking Ha take the worst toddler tantrum you have ever witnessed and times that by about 100 and then throw in that the child is most probably a lot older,a lot stronger and a lot more distressed than any todller that isn't autistic and then you'll be halfway there!

Our 2DC that are registered disabled are both autistic and I worked with children on the autistic spectrum and you are talking out of your Arse!

[sockrage]

Ywnbu.
I mostly use the normal changing rooms. (I have arthritis and dd has some diagnoses)

However dd also has bladder issues related to her condition and I had to use the disabled toilet with her to prevent her wetting herself due to a queue in the ladies one day.

We were absolutely bollocked by a man on crutches when we came out.

[TheGhostOfBarryFairbrother]

Open question then (I have EDS and work with young people with ASD so know about the difficulty of invisible disabilities)... this happens a lot.

People get dirty looks for using disabled loos, changing rooms, car spaces...

How can we educate people that disabled doesn't necessarily mean wheelchair user? Any ideas very welcome!

[doyourballshanglow]

I'm not sure how, but its worth bearing in mind that the symbol denoting disability thats usually found on toilets/car parking spaces/spaces on buses/trains e.t.c is a wheelchair when less than 10% of people with disabilities are wheelchair users.

Some groups of people are also of the belief that a disability is not a disability unless it is physical. Including my cow of a MIL. She thinks itsd all in my mind.

[Creasedupcrinkle]

That's a good point, about the symbol.

[honkinghaddock]

We use the disabled changing room with ds because it is the only completely enclosed one so doesn't have noise of the family changing rooms. Ds cannot cope in those, becoming distressed and aggressive.