to think we were OK to use the disabled changing room

[Creasedupcrinkle]

I have lupus. I have the classic skin rash on my face and my joints are bad. I can't bend very well at all, my knees give way. My eldest child has autism, dyspraxia and sensory processing disorder. It had taken us three while hours to leave the house such were her meltdowns today. Child 2 has motor skills issues and child 3 is deaf. They are 7,6 and 5. Going anywhere is a struggle as DD doesn't do change and physical sensation well (although she lives swimming), DS1 has to have everything done for him and DS2 can't hear.

At a huge swimming/sports complex, we used the larger, disabled changing room to change. There were two. As we came out the mother of a child in a big electric wheelchair stopped us and said "you know this is the disabled one?" I said "yes, and not all disabilities are visual." She huffed and walked into the changing room before we had even finished even though there was an empty one next door.
Then her husband said "you know it's only for physical disabilities" and lifted his daughter out of her chair. I said "not all disabilities are obvious" and he snorted. The mum came back out and my husband went and got the rest of our gear, and she said "you shouldn't use this cubicle, use another." My husband said "I'm not going to stand here discussing this in front of our children but some disabilities are invisible." She slammed the door!

Were we actually unreasonable?

[namechangeparents]

OP in future just ignore people like this. You do not have to explain yourself to other people. Ignore ignore ignore.

[StillMedusa]

I have Ataxia EA type 2. Some days I am fine.. more than fine..a martial artist, working full time fine. Other times I can't walk unaided, balance, use a wheelchair and a walking stick. My Ds 2 has autism, LDs and wears splints on both of his somewhat spastic legs. We both have blue badges which we use on bad days.

The LOOKS we have had just parking, legitimately in a blue badge slot.

Even better was when I had a sports car...(admittedly hard to get out of on bad days) People are OUTRAGED that I could have a sports car when I am disabled

Fuck'em I say!

[softjellyjunglecustard]

YANBU. they were rude, ignorant, and should damn well know better.

you all should've just glared at them before limping away ;)

but seriously, ignore the one-upmanship and stupid comments - if anyone really wants to know why you're in that toilet, they're welcome to approach you and be educated...!

[mygorgeousmilo]

YANBU

[BillBrysonsBeard]

Just wanted to say that you and your husband are amazing. For your response to them, but mainly because you're in pain and take your three children with additional needs swimming and all that comes with that. It's hard enough taking one NT toddler out with me! You are brilliant and don't forget it. People like that can just fuck off.

[TutanKaDashian]

I don't get why she was being such a twat anyway seeing as there was a free changing room. You being in the other disabled changing room didn't affect her in anyway.

[RaspberryOverload]

Julius02 Sun 22-May-16 08:11:18
I'm shocked at the poster who said that the father could have lifted the child out of the wheelchair so they didn't need to use a disabled changing room. Really??

I suggest you go back and read the whole post properly. This comment was posted in reply to someone else trying to say OP and her family could have used other cubicles, and was intended to make a point. they weren't actually saying this should happen

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

My DS1 has epilepsy. He isn't safe to change in the men's room unattended, I can't go into the men's with him, and he's too old to come into the women's room. So we have to use the disabled changing room. I feel guilty the whole time we're in there, and chivvy him on go change as quickly as he can, but I'm still dreading the day someone has a go.

[strawberrybubblegum]

as a mother of disabled children you should feel empathy with this woman who has a disabled child

I find this quite offensive, Julius.

Having empathy doesn't require a leap of the imagination which is beyond people with healthy children, or indeed no children at all.

I also don't think the OP should be expected to primarily identify as a 'mother of disabled children', and hence forgive all bad behaviour from someone simply because they also have a child with a disability.

[MrsBobDylan]

Theirs...grammar fail!

[MrsBobDylan]

Op, I don't know if this thread is making you feel better or worse as although most posters are sensible and understand the issues involved, a minority do not and I'm not sure people like them ever will.

You handled it so well, it must have felt gut wrenching to be repeatedly challenged. I used to explain our situation in similar circumstances but now I think that people have no right to know what my situation is anymore than I do to question theres.

Hope you have a fab day with this firmly in the past where it belongs.

[Julius02]

No. I'm not telling you how you should feel. I worded it badly and 'should' was the wrong word to use. I apologise.

[Creasedupcrinkle]

Thankyou all so much for your encouragement and kindness. It's really helped us keep on keeping on!

Julius02 a mother of disabled children you should feel empathy with this woman who has a disabled child.

What? You're telling me how I should feel?

[Julius02]

Whilst I don't think you were wrong to use the changing room, and the family should not have had a go at you (am baffled as to why as you said there was another disabled changing room available), as a mother of disabled children you should feel empathy with this woman who has a disabled child. I'm guessing she has previously experienced other people using the changing room who didn't need to, when she has no choice. Having a child in a motorised wheelchair is a challenge and she can't use another changing room. She should not have been rude to you though.

I'm shocked at the poster who said that the father could have lifted the child out of the wheelchair so they didn't need to use a disabled changing room. Really??

[OneOfTheGrundys]

I use the big changing room with my severely dyspraxic, autistic, partially hearing DS because he can't hear me in a separate cubicle. We don't qualify for (very expensive) waterproof hearing aids and he can't put his usual ones on until his hair and inside his ears are totally dry. He gets anxious if he can't see/hear us. DH works weekends so I always take both young boys by myself.
Yanbu op. Keep on swimming!

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

Sorry you had to go through this! They are twats... Anyone who has a kid wirh a disability who either :

1.Doesn't recognise that not all disabilities are identical: twat!

1. Wants to get into a 'my disability is worse than yours' competition : twat.
   

Three cheers for you for having fun and going swimming (although I realise us people with disabilities really should not do anything enjoyable as we should be weeping copiously begging in the Street for money! To fulfil others perceptions!

[strawberrybubblegum]

Having a disabled child doesn't turn unpleasant people into nice ones
^ this

Of course YWNBU. You were being amazing parents taking your whole family swimming despite considerable challenges.

It's always horrible when someone behaves aggressively towards you, especially if it happens unexpectedly. It can really shake you, and then prey on your mind for ages.

I hope this thread will help you to put their bad behaviour into the "something twattish" box in your mind where it has no power over you. And that you will keep going swimming, and do anything else you want to do, using the facilities which have been put there for everyone who needs them, including you. If you feel that twinge of anxiety, then think of this thread and everyone here who is wishing you and your family well.

[bertsdinner]

My sister's got a disability and has a blue badge. Its psoratic arthritis, sometimes she has trouble walking/getting out of car as her joints are badly affected.
She's had people having a go when using the disabled bay, both disabled and non disabled people. She used to argue back but now just ignores it or tells them to do one.
Like a poster upthread, she's taken to using a stick, even when she dosnt need it. The stick is like a visible sign of her disability, to look at her she is young, fit and healthy. Sometimes she can barely walk and found without the stick people were getting uppity because she takes ages to get round the shop/pack shopping.

[sashh]

I am going to buck the trend here, but I can see why they might be annoyed. You can use other changing rooms they can not.

It could be argued that as dad could lift the girl out of the chair they didn't need it and could have used another one.

Or they could use the other accessible changing room that was available.

[Creasedupcrinkle]

Thankyou. I'm very heartened by this.


To add to the excellent diagrams posted, and the v useful Stickman page, this is one of my favourites.

[ProudAS]

PestilentialCat I don't blame you. Disabled loos may be there for a specific group but that doesn't mean everyone else should wet themselves rather than use one.

OP - I take my hat off to you. YWNBU at all.

[halighhalighaliehaligh]

Of course yanbu and I'm very much the type of person who thinks you should leave services free for people with disabilities as much as possible eg I don't use lifts when there are stairs etc.
I did used to take my ds who has autism and sensory processing difficulties into the disabled loo because he was very distressed by people using the handryers in the ladies to the extent he would sooner wet himself than go in. He's much less sensitive to noise now and happy to just cover his ears/put his hood up so we use the ladies now and leave the disabled loo for those who need it. Changing ooms have never been an issue for us fortunately.
You clearly do need the extra space so should not feel guilty about it.

[Foofoobum]

I get this a lot. I have more than one invisible disability and I hate the comments I get or the dirty looks. My Dd begs me not to park in disabled spaces because She gets embarrassed at people shouting over to us (this happens often) - I will use a disabled toilet sometimes when I'm flaring up and if anyone dares to comment I will give a piece of my rather expletive mind. Sadly there does seem to be a them and us between visibly disabled and those with hidden disabilities. Parents /carers are often worse than the disabled people themselves.

[Katie0705]

This must have been really awful for you and your family. You are more than entitled to use the disability facilities, as you are all covered by the Equality Act which has the Disability Discrimination Act encorporated within it.

Unfortunately, some people are still very ignorant about disability, which is so sad in this day and age. Just keep on standing your ground as you have done so far.