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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be SO angry with my 7yr old?

91 replies

Lulioli · 21/05/2016 12:35

I can barely look at her... Yesterday afternoon my arse of an ex came to the house to pick up my sons bag as he was taking him for the weekend (a rare event!) My daughters had not wanted to go this time as they had events on that they wanted to attend. They had both had a weekend away with him last week. I have had on going problems with his bullying and intimidation of me particularly when we hand over the kids so am always trying to find ways where he can see the children but not have to interact with me. Anyway......I thought my son would come in collect his bag and go but my ex appeared with him wanting to collect my sons bike. My DS started getting upset that he didn't want to take his bike, my ex started shouting at him, it was all getting out of control. My daughter then started crying that she wanted to go, it was nt fair, she didn't want to go to the planned event anyway. She was wailing, screaming, clinging to him and refusing to follow my calm instructions to come back in the house and it would be her turn next time. I stood there feeling hopeless while my ex smirked at me and kept saying ' you just hate this because she wants to be with me'. Of course I am furious with him but I feel so let down by her. I never slag off her dad in front of her. I have protected her from knowing that he cancels on her to see his girlfriends. I ve never told her about all the domestic violence that went on when she was tiny. I never stand in the way of contact with her Dad. I always help her to buy gifts for him on birthdays, Fathers Day, Xmas, etc. I feel that there is room in her life for both of us. I am stunned that she would respond like this. She was really manipulating the situation. I am so angry and upset. I don't like her right now.

OP posts:

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 21/05/2016 15:26

I can understand your feelings but try and think objectively Op.

If your ex is intimidating, do you really think he isn't manipulating her when you're not there? That he has mentioned missing her and feeing sad that he doesn't get to live with her all the time? All designed to make her act in a way that upsets you.

She's 7. In her world he is the parent who gets disappointed / angry and that she wants to please. You're the parent that is there regardless of her behaviour so she doesn't need to get you onside. She has you already.

The fact that she wanted to go with her dad is a mix of not wanting to miss something and trying to keep him happy. Nothing to do with you at all.

I think having someone else to do handovers or just sending the children out to him (if age appropriate) would be best - your ex sounds like an arse

DuckAndPancakes · 21/05/2016 15:44

You're not a shit mum/person/human for having emotions and reactions to things.
Yes, your daughter is 7. Mine is near the same age and has turned into someone I struggle to deal with at times. It happens. Not all of us are perfect parents that can not react to situations or be upset or frustrated.

I'm a shit mum too by all kinds of MN standards. Chin up, OP. Apologise to DD and give her a ton of love.

wallywobbles · 21/05/2016 15:48

Aibu definitely wrong place for this but I get you.

My eldest DD dropped me unfailingly in the shit wth my highly litigious ex. She wanted his approval and this way got it.

This is the problem when we hide stuff from our kids. They can only make decisions on the info we give them. Stop hiding his shit behavior for starters. You are not doing her any favors in the long run.

I'm sure he does you no favors.

CaseInPoint · 21/05/2016 15:59

Well done on getting out of an abusive relationship OP. Whatever upset your kids are going through right now would have been 10 times worse if you'd stayed.
You really shouldn't have to have contact with someone who is violent and intimidating. Is there any way someone else can do handovers? I think that would be the best solution for now.
Don't get angry at your dd though, she's just a child. I think an apology and a cuddle is the order of the day.

Original poster

Lulioli · 21/05/2016 17:13

Just got back from planned event. I cuddled daughter, apologised and told her it was not her fault, of course. Thank you to all the posters. Glad I could vent here rather than real life. I knew I would get some flaming on AIBU! I love all my children and am battling to move on despite their violent father always trying to manipulate the situation. I ve taken every support available to me to recover from the relationship and to forge ahead ensuring the children get contact with him. The hand overs are a real flash point I ve tried to be creative with how they re achieved. Thank you for all the support. I m going to hop over to Legal to see if anyone can help me regarding the dreaded handover times.

OP posts:

Gide · 21/05/2016 17:25

Can your DD not be elsewhere when handover of DS takes place? Be utterly deadpan when idiot ex tries to wind you up.

Janecc · 21/05/2016 18:06

Please post faster next time when you feel shit op. This would have saved you and very importantly her 24 hours of angst.

Original poster

Lulioli · 21/05/2016 18:31

Janecc ...there hasn't been 24 hours of angst for her just me! She had a usual evening playing with her younger sister, dinner and bed. This morning I ve been busy with housework and we took her sister to a party and had a drink together in a cafe. Yes I was quiet with her but I ve explained why and apologised.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lulioli · 21/05/2016 18:34

Gide.. Yes that's a good idea but very difficult in RL. My son was really looking forward to a boys only weekend with his dad so i couldn't just say to DD ok if you want to go so badly you can because then DS would have kicked off! I need to think handovers thru again.

OP posts:

CaseInPoint · 21/05/2016 18:35

Good call OP. Hope someone on legal can help with regards to the handovers .

hollie11 · 21/05/2016 18:55

Can't a neighbour, friend, family member be there for hand over so you don't have to see your ex. You Can be upstairs and come down once he's gone.

mummytime · 21/05/2016 19:09

The handovers need to be Garden gate, and ideally just push the correct DC out of the door. And if Dad wants DS to use a bike at his house, then he needs to have a bike there. Have a bag for them to take, and anything that doesn't fit doesn't go (because it could easily get forgotten and not be available when needed).

And do start telling your DC things like: "Daddy isn't nice to me."/"Daddy was nasty to me when we were married, thats why we can't live together."
"You love Daddy but Daddy doesn't love Mummy and can be nasty, so I don't want to speak to him incase."
"Sorry but Daddy has cancelled".

Janecc · 21/05/2016 19:24

Lulioli that's good and I'm sure you get my point . Agree with mummytime that age appropriate information about the issues with daddy should be discussed.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 21/05/2016 19:25

Well done OP for taking quite a bit of flack on here. I must admit that my immediate reaction was that you were being really unreasonable, but I could see why.
Do remeber that she's only 7, it's not easy at that age to see your parents arguing, whoever is in the right or wrong. It sounds as if you are doing a great job of protecting her from your previous relationship with your ex, and I think you should continue to do so. A child doesn't need to know that he was abusive. They do need to be reassured that you love them (which it sounds like they already know) and I think it's ok to tell them that Daddy has cancelled, rather than make up a story about why they can't go and see him as planned. Let him explain why, and don't get drawn into a discussion about it. I just wanted to wish you good luck for the future.

FeralBeryl · 21/05/2016 22:21

That sounds like an awful thing to have happened
My best friend has had years of the same, unfortunately you've just got to grit your teeth.
You are doing the right thing by protecting them from how much of a gobshite he is when they're still small.
I think you know deep down your anger has popped out of the wrong hole so certainly no flaming here. Just take care and glad you've made up.

Jofo · 21/05/2016 22:36

Lulioli, my heart breaks for you and if this had happened to me, I would be furious too. However, I remember what it felt like to try to choose between two parents and keep them both happy when I was a child and it seemed I could never win.

You are doing an amazing job shielding the children from his behaviour and you must try to not be so hard on yourself.

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