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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be SO angry with my 7yr old?

91 replies

Lulioli · 21/05/2016 12:35

I can barely look at her... Yesterday afternoon my arse of an ex came to the house to pick up my sons bag as he was taking him for the weekend (a rare event!) My daughters had not wanted to go this time as they had events on that they wanted to attend. They had both had a weekend away with him last week. I have had on going problems with his bullying and intimidation of me particularly when we hand over the kids so am always trying to find ways where he can see the children but not have to interact with me. Anyway......I thought my son would come in collect his bag and go but my ex appeared with him wanting to collect my sons bike. My DS started getting upset that he didn't want to take his bike, my ex started shouting at him, it was all getting out of control. My daughter then started crying that she wanted to go, it was nt fair, she didn't want to go to the planned event anyway. She was wailing, screaming, clinging to him and refusing to follow my calm instructions to come back in the house and it would be her turn next time. I stood there feeling hopeless while my ex smirked at me and kept saying ' you just hate this because she wants to be with me'. Of course I am furious with him but I feel so let down by her. I never slag off her dad in front of her. I have protected her from knowing that he cancels on her to see his girlfriends. I ve never told her about all the domestic violence that went on when she was tiny. I never stand in the way of contact with her Dad. I always help her to buy gifts for him on birthdays, Fathers Day, Xmas, etc. I feel that there is room in her life for both of us. I am stunned that she would respond like this. She was really manipulating the situation. I am so angry and upset. I don't like her right now.

OP posts:

BoffinMum · 21/05/2016 13:29

This thread says one thing, and that is that we are seeing a very unhappy family and children who need more support. It must be a very difficult time for all of you.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/05/2016 13:31

My friends DD used to do this and friend would let her dictate contact. Friends DD learned that she could manipulate her parents by choosing contact or refusing contact because of this.

Think you handled this well op, I'm sorry you're going thro this. Could you have friends or someone there at hand overs? Also be very clear to your DD that you will not change plans at the last minute. She chose to make other commitments then you will stick to those.

It gets easier as the DC get older and can make their own arrangements.

Hope the rest of your weekend is calm and enjoyable. xx

LieselMeminger · 21/05/2016 13:33

I feel that there is room in her life for both of us. I am stunned that she would respond like this.

Does part of you feel she chose him over you? That's the EX manipulating the situation to make you feel that way, not your dd. One day your dd realise the things you've done to protect her from seeing her dad's bad side. I can imagine you've bit your tongue a lot around him and have a lot if built up anger, which is normal, but I do feel you are aiming at the wrong person.

Grilledaubergines · 21/05/2016 13:45

I feel so sad reading your OP. Children feel guilt being with one parent and not the other, it's so hard and awful for them to be caught up in their parents' hatred for eachother. The issue which now arises is that your daughter will feel terrible the next time she wants to see her dad because she will think she has upset you. Please, please, don't make her feel this way. It's not her fault. If she changes her mind, wave her off, tell her to have a lovely time and that you're going to pop to see a friend. She doesn't need to know that you're going to be home alone. It will stop her misplaced guilt because she'll not worry about you being lonely. When she's gone is your time to scream/cry. I really don't think you'd want situations like this to form her childhood memories. Your role as her parent is to raise her to be secure, happy and confident. Your relationship with her dad is neither here nor there to her. Two sides etc and like you say, you don't moan about him to her and rightly so. Children don't need to know the upsets of their parents.

Every time a situation such as this arises, just think 'what's best for her?' It honestly helps you make wise, considered decisions and removes your feelings about your ex from the situation.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 21/05/2016 13:47

OP. I was that 7 year old many years ago. And at 7 I wasn't a baby.

Divorced parents, living with DM and spending half of each hol with DF. When DF remarried he decided it was his turn to have me and kept 'planting seeds' when I visited him. It made me feel very torn and awkward. I wanted to be with DM but DF didn't hear when I was brave enough to try telling him that. It was awful for my DM and we were on the brink of going to court with me actually saying who I wanted to live with. It was an awful time for DM who couldn't understand why it had come to this.

I'm trying to say that I'm with you on this. I wasn't daft as a 7 year old and understood the consequences of what I said. I suspect that deep down your DD probably does too and will feel guilty afterwards. She has made you look like you are stopping her from seeing her dad when that wasn't the case.

newtscamander · 21/05/2016 13:47

The question was "AIBU to be so angry at my 7 year old". Obviously the answer is YABU. So why are you therefore getting on your high horse. If you can't handle opinions then don't post the question.

Grilledaubergines · 21/05/2016 13:49

And sadly there's not much you can do about your ex getting kicks out of this, other than to remind yourself that one day when your children are older they will make their own judgments about their parents, through adult eyes.

Waltermittythesequel · 21/05/2016 13:50

So 7 isn't a typo then??

Disappointednomore · 21/05/2016 13:50

Another one here who thinks you should congratulate yourself on how well you've shielded your daughter and promoted a relationship with her father and that can't have been easy for you.

Cleo1303 · 21/05/2016 13:51

Your ex sounds like a really nasty manipulative bit of work. He started the argument with your son and it escalated from there. Do you have to allow him in the house? I think you should say to him that in order to avoid scenes like this again where the children are distressed you would prefer he didn't just walk in to your house without permission and if he thinks your son or daughters will need a bike (or anything else) for a weekend away he should text you and you will have the item ready to go.

Unfortunately children of divorced parents will often behave like this, playing one off against the other. For this reason I think you need to avoid him as much as possible at handover times - as you say you have been doing. If there are any practical matters to discuss tell him you'll speak to him on the phone and there are to be no discussions in front of the children.

A friend of mine went through exactly the same thing at every handover. It was all staged by her ex to upset her. In the end she always made sure a friend or neighbour was with her at handover which worked wonderfully. He didn't want to be seen to be the shit he really was in front of anyone else.

Try not to be cross with your daughter. I hope she will now be enjoying the pre-planned event.

Grilledaubergines · 21/05/2016 13:53

Dissapointed but that is the role of a parent, surely? At least one who puts their child's needs and emotions above their own.

KindDogsTail · 21/05/2016 13:58

Please, please don't be upset with your little girl.

Of course you feel upset and betrayed by her, but she is an absolute baby in the middle of what sound horrendous behaviour from your husband. He is probably very manipulative.

Please just continue to act calmly with her as you have already been so bravely doing, not slagging him off and so on. She needs to not lose you.

Do you think a family counsellor might help you - going on your own I mean. So someone else listens to you and helps you work things out? That way your little girl would not have so much power to upset you. Your husband probably loves it if she does and she could end up a pawn.

GabsAlot · 21/05/2016 13:58

is he supposed to be seeing the kids without supervision-honest question

if youre going through courts id just bide my time and see what happens with that

of course your daughter doesnt know what happened in the past and prob just felt left out

Redtomatojuice · 21/05/2016 13:59

Yes it isn't good to be SO angry, but I think she is old enough to have a chat. I'd apologise for feeling angry with her, but say that you do need her help in the future, just on the hand overs.

You understand that she might not always want to stay, or go, but that you find these hangovers difficult - mum and dad sometimes argue - and if she makes a big fuss too - it can add to the drama. Tell her mum and dad arguing is never her fault, but if she could remain calm it would really help everyone. Ask her if she can express how she feels at another time, with you, with her dad, with others. Cry or get upset when there is time to help her. Say that these handover times are much better kept short and it is not possible to help her then. If she gets upset again ask to be calm and then do everything to be calm yourself. Even arrange for someone else to be there or meet your Ex in a public place just before you take your daughter for a treat like the cinema.

Sillybillybonker · 21/05/2016 14:08

Your poor daughter. Get a grip woman.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/05/2016 14:11

You know your anger should be directed towards ex who has done all this!

Janeymoo50 · 21/05/2016 14:12

She's probably churning up inside thinking you hate her.
I feel for both of you, but honestly you're taking it out on her.

spanky2 · 21/05/2016 14:13

She could see he was angry she tried to pacify him with her love. She may have been frightened and has learned that she is responsible for his happiness. Reminds me of my childhood with abusive parents who used me to win their mind games.

spanky2 · 21/05/2016 14:15

Read it back I'm not suggesting you are playing mind games. He is. Both my parents played mind games.

NotYoda · 21/05/2016 14:27

I totally agree with spanky2

This is a confused little girl who does what she thinks might make things better, either for herself ("I'll make myself look good in comparison to my brother - that's normal sibling rivalry) or for her father (sees he's being rejected, tried to make up for it)

Don't talk to her about her behaviour. It's not her responsibility

TendonQueen · 21/05/2016 14:29

OP said she remained calm.I don't see her taking this out on her DD. On the contrary, she's trying to process her anger on here instead. People have been very extreme in their blame me her - one poster said 'even if your DD was 17 it wouldn't be her fault' and to ascribe a 17 yo with the same lack of agency as a 7 yo is ridiculous. I agree she was probably, sadly, trying to keep him happy.

NotYoda · 21/05/2016 14:29

Sorry, should have explained what I meant a bit better - I meant - she saw your ex getting into a dispute with her brother so wants to make him feel better. Or just join in with the general emotional temperature which is high.

Not her fault.

Not your either

NotYoda · 21/05/2016 14:30

Tendo

Yes, I think it's good to process things on here without fear of being attacked.

MadamDeathstare · 21/05/2016 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bensonandhedges · 21/05/2016 14:51

Not sure whether it's 'reasonable' or not, but I do think it's perfectly human of you to feel let down by your daughter. However, it's not right to go on taking it out on her, even if she does have some awareness of the politics - she doesn't have the maturity to do much other than put her own immediate feelings first. It's a rubbish situation to be in and I feel for you. Your ex is being a twat but you know that.

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