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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be SO angry with my 7yr old?

91 replies

Lulioli · 21/05/2016 12:35

I can barely look at her... Yesterday afternoon my arse of an ex came to the house to pick up my sons bag as he was taking him for the weekend (a rare event!) My daughters had not wanted to go this time as they had events on that they wanted to attend. They had both had a weekend away with him last week. I have had on going problems with his bullying and intimidation of me particularly when we hand over the kids so am always trying to find ways where he can see the children but not have to interact with me. Anyway......I thought my son would come in collect his bag and go but my ex appeared with him wanting to collect my sons bike. My DS started getting upset that he didn't want to take his bike, my ex started shouting at him, it was all getting out of control. My daughter then started crying that she wanted to go, it was nt fair, she didn't want to go to the planned event anyway. She was wailing, screaming, clinging to him and refusing to follow my calm instructions to come back in the house and it would be her turn next time. I stood there feeling hopeless while my ex smirked at me and kept saying ' you just hate this because she wants to be with me'. Of course I am furious with him but I feel so let down by her. I never slag off her dad in front of her. I have protected her from knowing that he cancels on her to see his girlfriends. I ve never told her about all the domestic violence that went on when she was tiny. I never stand in the way of contact with her Dad. I always help her to buy gifts for him on birthdays, Fathers Day, Xmas, etc. I feel that there is room in her life for both of us. I am stunned that she would respond like this. She was really manipulating the situation. I am so angry and upset. I don't like her right now.

OP posts:
NannawifeofBaldr · 21/05/2016 12:52

Luli I think some of these responses are harsh.

You are doing a great job protecting your children from their Dad's poor behaviour. Unfortunately you are doing such a good job you don't get the benefit of reward and Krause for that.

You aren't really angry at your DD, as I'm sure you know. Sadly one day, hopefully many years from now when she's better able to deal with it, she'll find out what an arse he is.

She's 7, so she loves her parents equally and that's absolutely as it should be.

He doesn't deserve it but that's not her fault.

I hope you feel better soon, it's a hard road.

OurBlanche · 21/05/2016 12:52

Yeah, wear it if it fits, Paul... the second half of that last paragraph might have helped you... All of you who choose to stick the boot in rather than help

NannawifeofBaldr · 21/05/2016 12:52

Krause? praise!

MrsRobbStark · 21/05/2016 12:52

I really sympathise with you OP. I'm going to ignore all of your past issues with your ex etc and your Ex's behaviour on this occasion for a minute and just focus on your upset with your daughter because I KNOW how infuriating it can be.

Thursday evening I took my son to an event at his school. I didn't want to go I'm not going to lie. It was my day off and last thing I wanted to do was go to a school disco Hmm. So before leaving I asked him if he really wanted to go to the event. He was really excited etc etc so off we went where he proceeded to sit in the corner with a face like a slapped arse. I asked him what was wrong and apparently he hadn't wanted to go at all Angry couple that with the fact I've spent £100's on performing arts classes and uniform because he said he loved it for him to turn around the other day and say he only went because I wanted him to Confused I don't think so love!

Original poster
Lulioli · 21/05/2016 12:53

Mummymeister...why is it such a horrible thing to post? It happened and that's how I feel and I wanted some perspective from other posters.
Newtscamander...Raise her right?? What the hell do you think I ve been doing all this time apart from loving and supporting her.
Thanks to all the other more balanced posters. It s really helped just writing it down. I can see how it must look but I almost can t see clearly. I think my anger is mis directed. I struggle to know how to handle the fall out from situations like this. My ex is very intimidating. Thank you

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 21/05/2016 12:53

I think it's quite worrying that she clung to your Ex whilst he was shouting at her brother.

Sounds like she's learning to appease him already.

I think you need to work out a way of controlling the handovers in a way that's much more structured. That means rules for everyone, including the DCs. My Ex isn't allowed anywhere on my property, for example - it's written into the contact order.

And please just talk to your little girl.

LittleRedWagon1 · 21/05/2016 12:54

Your poor daughter, she's 7 FGS!
7 years old and she wanted to go with her dad. He may be an arse (he certainly sounds like it) but she wanted to be with him and you are angry at her because of that!

You are angry at the wrong person. You are being so unreasonable it is ridiculous, you and your ex sound very immature. Did she go with her dad in the end or did you/him stop her?

Zame · 21/05/2016 12:56

You're obviously doing well because your daughter has a good relationship with your ex. The posters getting all het up about how upset you are have no idea how they'd react in the same sitiuation. It really really hurts.
Well done on recognising your anger is misplaced. You'll get through this! Don't let your ex create a barrier between you and your children, I imagine he'd just love it

Zame · 21/05/2016 12:58

have you been in a similar sitiuation little red?

Original poster
Lulioli · 21/05/2016 13:01

Wow! Thanks for all your posts. Mummymeister ...I do come from a divorced family so yes I do know how it feels firsthand. And I have behaved so much better than my own mother did when putting the needs of my children first. Thanks.
Thanks for the support and advice Zame and Blanche and the others x

OP posts:
mummymeister · 21/05/2016 13:01

But similarly Zame there will be quite a few of us on MN who have been that 7 year old and seen the situation from the other side.

OP - don't post something so bitter sounding if you don't want some other posters to disagree with you.

mysteriousbat · 21/05/2016 13:03

It sounds like a horrible situation for you all. My dd is almost 7 and i split with her dad just after her first birthday. Sometimes we go to events together (well separately, i go with my partner and he goes with his, but we often sit together) and on a weekend that should be hers with me she ses him and decides she wants to be with him. He might say something to me like "she's such a daddy's girl" or make a hige deal of it, which is irritating cos if she hadn't seen him she wouldn't have mentioned him let alone wanted to go....but it works the other way too. Has there ever been a time she should be with him and has wanted to be with you? It's hard ( I know because her dad was awful to me, very emotionally abusive and a horrible person) but I find it helps to conpletely separate the person he was/is to you and the person he is to your kids. If I think about the way he treated me it makes me angry and I find it difficult. However. Whilst he isn't perfect he clearly loves his daughter and that's the important thing. And it seems this might be the situation you're in? It's hard not to be hurt when it feels your child is choosing the other parent over you, but I think she probably does choose you over him too and that's absolutely normal. She loves you both. In an ideal world she could have you both, but try not to let it get to you personally. She isn't declaring her live for him over you. She saw him, got upset and wanted to see him. It's a different thing all together.
Give her a hug if she's with you, watch a movie together, go to the park. If she did go with her dad, do something nice for yourself. A long hot bath, binge watch on netflix, read a book with a box of chocolates and be ready for her when she comes home Flowers

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 21/05/2016 13:03

OP, it's to your enormous credit that your little girl doesn't know any of the bad stuff about your relationship with your ex.

One day, she will realise the huge sacrifices and emotional turmoil you went through to make things as 'normal' for her as possible. But that day is not now, and it won't be for years and years yet.

Give her a hug, say sorry for being cross and do something nice together.

mysteriousbat · 21/05/2016 13:05

Hope that makes sense, reading back it seems a little confusing with where the he is my ex or yours, sorry Blush

Original poster
Lulioli · 21/05/2016 13:06

Little Red Wagon...oh do fuck off.
Lineyreborn....you re right. I'm in the process of trying to get legal advice around contact. Can't do mediation because of domestic violence issues. No my. Daughter did not go with him because she had committed to an event and also my family counsellor advised that the children should not be the ones to change contact that the adults are in charge of that. Of course

OP posts:
Zame · 21/05/2016 13:07

Crap situation all round I think mummymeister but lulioli realises she's upset with the wrong person. Try to see it from another point of view, if you've been that 7 year old you probably realise now that your mum must've had a very difficult time too

LittleRedWagon1 · 21/05/2016 13:07

I was the 7 year old in a similar situation Zame Sad
It's a god awful situation to be in from anyone's point of view.

No parent should not be able to look at their child or not like their child all because the child wanted to be with or see the other parent. The op's anger is misplaced, she has admitted as such which takes a huge amount of guts to do so. However much of an arse her DD's father is she should not take it out on her daughter by being angry at her. The child is 7 years old.

FWIW I am now NC with my mother, her constant misappropriation of anger towards me due to outside influences (be it my dad or something else) has seriously messed me up, lasting even now at the grand age of 37!

I hope the op, for her children's sake and her own can do something to help with the anger she is feeling, because as having been the 7 year old in this scenario I know the ramifications are far reaching.

I wish the op no ill, and I apologise if my first post came across as such.

TheWitTank · 21/05/2016 13:12

I think you know yabu being angry with her (at 7 she can't be blamed for being upset) but I do understand. I think everyone has times where we feel upset, hurt or angry by situations that we know we are being unreasonable about. That's being human! We can't help how we feel. I think if you managed to not show you dd your emotions and get cross with her, then don't worry about it. If you did get angry with her, sit down and explain that you were a bit upset but that it wasn't her fault and you understand how she feels and that she can talk to you if she feels upset.

Original poster
Lulioli · 21/05/2016 13:14

Mummymeister...I posted on AIBU for a reason! I know that I m BU however that is how I feel and I m trying to make sense of that. Thanks Mysterious and Manhattan. I am very isolated which enables him to behave more outrageously (never any witnesses) and makes my feelings very intense. I came out of this marriage a shell of the person who went in to it. I posted as I needed some perspective and now I ve got some!

OP posts:
OpheliaHamlet · 21/05/2016 13:15

Maybe this would be better moved to Relationships?
I really feel for you, as sounds like you've really been through the wars with your ex and I'm sure are very keen for 'changeover' to be quick and smooth as possible. On this occasion shit happened.

Your daughter may well have been simply reacting to the commotion and drama going on. Please don't read too much into it. You're anger towards her is completely misdirected.
As for your ex, well, he sounds like a complete shit stirring tool. What a nasty piece of work.
Anyway, be kind to yourself. Hopefully if he did end up taking both kids, you can maybe have some time to relax(and count your blessings you no longer have to deal with this man on a daily basis any more!).

Originalfoogirl · 21/05/2016 13:15

I know how it feels to be unreasonable annoyed at a seven year old. Ours is an expert button pusher, and tears and tantrums can happen at the most frustrating times. If you're angry at the whole situation, I can see how she is mixed in with that.

Take a deep breath and give her a big hug. You know it's not her fault, it's a horrible situation for you all.

And maybe look into how to avoid these hand overs.

Original poster
Lulioli · 21/05/2016 13:17

Littleredwagon..apology accepted
Thewittank..thanks for your calm words

OP posts:
Janecc · 21/05/2016 13:24

My DD is 7. She knows she is the most special and precious person that ever walked the planet to us. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you op. I would have wanted to wipe the smarmy grin off his face. I get where you are coming from and glad you had a rant and feel better. Is she cross with you? Mine would probably be. Snuggles on the sofa and a girlie day would also be my my take.

Janecc · 21/05/2016 13:25

And I agree with a poster up thread. It sounds like she was perhaps trying to placate her father and protect her brother.

LieselMeminger · 21/05/2016 13:27

Sounds like she's learning to appease him already.

I'd do the same, it wasn't often my Mum and Dad would argue when he collected us, despite Dad trying and trying to wind her up with digs about our clothing, rows would usually break out when he'd not turn up one week and then my Mum would tell him he can't do that. He has to let her know because two children sitting on the door step waiting for Dad that's not coming is cruel, that his attempts to play games with her is damaging his dc.

I was younger than OPs dd but I'd already learnt that if my Dad didn't get his way he wasn't a nice man to be around so ID cling to him when they argued, I now know he'd pull the same the same smirks at my Mum. She also shielded us from his cancelling for new girlfriends, his abusive behaviour, but because that's who he was, I realised it for myself as I grew up, your dd will too. But at 5, I'd picked up that if my Dad ended up getting what he wanted, then life is easier and he'd stop shouting at Mum.