To feel distinctly cooler towards this mum

[Twix2move]

I know I am being unreasonable- but can't change how I feel...

My DD is in a reception class with around 13 girls and the rest boys. She mainly plays with the boys although has a good relationship with the girls and plays with them sometimes.

Girls A & B are having a joint birthday party and have invited all the girls - except my DD (and poss 1 other). Some of the boys have been invited too - but not the whole class.

I am friendly with mum A and just know mum B in passing. My DD plays in the park quite often with girl A - and all the other boys and girls who go to the park are invited.

I don't think either mum did deliberately - but just thoughtlessly and I guess I would have expected better. My DD doesn't know about the party yet but will be upset when she finds out.

So... AIBU to feel rather cooler towards mum A than I did in the past, or do I really need to grow up and not let childrens' friendship spoil adults.

Ps - I do know the "right" answer - but a little bit of me says this tells me something about the character of mum A which I had previously suspected.

IceBeing: how old are your kids? However rad fem the mums, parents of boys and girls tend to find that by and large, by about 7 or 8 both boys and girls tend to develop friendship groups along gender lines. Though I think we had boys and girls at parties until age 10.
And my male DP took as much responsibility for parties, invites etc....

Sorry if I've missed this but did you have a party for your own dd and did you invite everyone?

Feeling a little hurt on behalf of your dc is to be expected I guess, but in order to survive this party madness it's simply better in the long run to learn from the off to take it all with a giant pinch of salt.

It may be unfair, it may be unkind and it's nice that some parents go to the lengths they do not to make anyone feel individually left out, but as can be seen from this thread, let alone in every school in RL out there, many many people do not have complicated rules about who to invite, they just have a party and move on.

It's best to realise that unless you can shrug it all off from day one, again and again you will likely go through all this angst and feel upset which will impact on your dc.

Also, the sad fact is that by the time they're 11 and older things become a whole lot less inclusive and kind and it will be a huge shock if you haven't grasped the ability to cope with being left out.

I say this all from experience. Mine are teenagers and we've had issues from not being invited to being invited to two or three at the same time and having to choose.

Dd1 in particular had a difficult time at school and knows all about being left out. I ached to protect her, but the biggest protection you can give your dc is the ability to get through it all by moving past things like this.

Barring bullying, which of course is a serious issue and should be addressed, things like party invitations and being casually left of the list is part of school life.

Do you like A ? If 'yes', I would say separate your chd's friendships and your own.

Good networks with parents are a life-saver - for you - in the long run.

Next year, your dd may well be invited. Or sh may really dislike A's child.

Meanwhile, you may have sacrificed a potential great friendship (or even just a useful relationship).

You're in for the long-haul here, so play a long game.

Yes, I agree it is thoughtless and seems unkind.

The same thing happened to my DD1 once. She was the only girl to not be invited out of a smaller class (village school) and was a bit older than your DD so definitely noticed.
There were definitely no bullying issues. In fact, the birthday girl apologised to my DD but said there was no more space (she has invited a few boys and a couple of friends from out of school too).

Unfortunately, the mum isn't as kind or thoughtful as her daughter. I have had several demonstrations of this of the years and don't think very much of her for this reason.

Frankly if your liking of this woman is dependant on her asking your daughter to her DD's party then she will be the beneficiary of this 'cooled' relationship.

Yabu.
I can't be arsed with this nonsense.

either invite the whole class, or all the girls

So DD who do you want to your Party? OH 8 girls and 2 boys? Sorry you have to swap the boys for girls -

Why do ADULTS have to interfere with the children's friendships?

They know who they like and who they play with better than you do - let the get on with it -

This is why such cliques happen in the playground because parents manage the friendship group

My neighbours' children play with my children every day and have attended all their parties. Day before their daughter's birthday last year they were playing in my house all morning. Dad knocks and says "come on we're going now" and off they trot.
3hrs later father drops them off outside my house -so they can come back in to play again - before driving on to park at their house. They had just been to the daughter's birthday party!!!!
We certainly did fall out about that

Adults should help manage the children till they have attempted a go at empathy!
Very little ones are fickle. That is why is is always kinder to invite :
All the class
Just the boys
Just the girls.
Half the class.
If you can't be responsible enough to bear other families feelings in mind - then you have no business planning one.
Part of having children/having parties is being aware that your child isn't the only one in the world, and that other humans hurt too.
It isn't difficult. You will know when your child is old enough to invite their true friends & when it doesn't sting so badly.

I get what you are saying nanetterose but that isn't the way it often works and no-one has control over who decides to plan a party or who they invite.

Better to be prepared for that very real eventuality and help dc understand that they won't always get an invitation and to move swiftly on and up.

Children do pick up on parents getting tense about things and then it becomes an issue for them too.

Before DD started primary school we went to a 'meet-the-teacher' evening to learn about the ins and outs of school life.
She said, ' if you're having a party for your child and inviting the whole class, I'll be very happy to distribute the invitations for you. If you're leaving anybody out, do your own dirty work.'
I guess she'd seen enough fall-out from exclusions not to want to be involved.

True OnTique
For my own, l've always done that.
I work in a school & have seen the mess that occurs when (l suppose) thoughtlessness happens.
It is very much my child my child in those very formative years... for some parents - just when they should be helping their children develop kindness & empathy. :)

I think you are over thinking.
The child has not invited your child to a party,maybe she doesn't like her or prefers the company ofother children more. It is not the end of the world.

I don't think you can help being cooler towards the other parents when they or their child is being unkind to yours. Obviously you pretend because that's just good manners.

That said I have not addressed a word or look to the mother whose child told dd that she had brain problems and that she wished she would leave the school forever because it's better without her when she's off ( dd has ASD). Two girls said it and one mother approached me almost in tears to apologise the other never said a word. So I am still friends with the one who approached me while the one who didn't no longer exists for me. Childish? Probably. I don't give a shit though.