To feel distinctly cooler towards this mum

[Twix2move]

I know I am being unreasonable- but can't change how I feel...

My DD is in a reception class with around 13 girls and the rest boys. She mainly plays with the boys although has a good relationship with the girls and plays with them sometimes.

Girls A & B are having a joint birthday party and have invited all the girls - except my DD (and poss 1 other). Some of the boys have been invited too - but not the whole class.

I am friendly with mum A and just know mum B in passing. My DD plays in the park quite often with girl A - and all the other boys and girls who go to the park are invited.

I don't think either mum did deliberately - but just thoughtlessly and I guess I would have expected better. My DD doesn't know about the party yet but will be upset when she finds out.

So... AIBU to feel rather cooler towards mum A than I did in the past, or do I really need to grow up and not let childrens' friendship spoil adults.

Ps - I do know the "right" answer - but a little bit of me says this tells me something about the character of mum A which I had previously suspected.

Periggy - thank you and I'm sorry to hear you had such unhappy experinces. It's very telling that you still remember it now . I really can't understand other parenst who woudl exclude a small child because they're didn't get on with the child's mother .

We used to have a child on the class whose mother was ' unusual " ( for different reasons than yours ) and everyone made a big effort to always invite that child , even though they they frequent didn't turn up at all, or came very late, never brought a card / gift ( not that the parents minded but the kids always notice and comment ) .

If anything, that child needed the invitation far more than anyone else , because there was obviously other stuff going on in their life.

Are you upset or your dd? Sounds like you are. Surely u just explain to your daughter that girl cam only invite a certain number, etc.. Job done.

Girls A & B can invite whoever they want to their party.

Since your DD is not friends with them, particularly, it stands to reason that she wasn't invited.

Why are you turning it into a personal issue between you and Mum A? You are not your children.

I would feel unconfortable for another reason.
So girl A doesn't invite dd despite playing with her at the park and despite inviting all the other children (incl boys) that play there. So in effect, she has singled dd out.

Then your dd plays mainly with the boys but, as gender stereotyped are strong, she is less likely to be invited to said boys b'day parties. They are more likely to be 'boys only' parties.

That means that the one who is going to suffer is your dd because she doesn't follow said stereotypes of 'girls play with girls'.

That's crap IMO.

All the other BOYS and girls who are going to the park are invited
That sentence explains why it's not just an issue with 'I don't play with ner in the playground'.

If mum A was happy to invite the ALL children going too the park, and the OP's dd is going too, then the dd should have been invited. Why isn't she if all the others are?

Thank you Kr1stina, I'm so glad to hear that there are some communities out there which do look out for kids in this way. I'm really touched on behalf of that child and hope they felt the benefit of it too.

I just don't allow my dc to choose their own party guest for this reason. Kids don't always make sensitive or caring decisions. Guests list are either whole class, or all one gender or very selective very small group for 'trip out' rather than a party. I absolutely hate adults who allow certain children to be left out, it is such poor form. Life is full of occasions where we have to invite and get on with people who aren't on our A list, they may as well learn this early! It's not ok to be unkind just because it's your birthday. Most brides have a few people at their wedding they would happily go without.

I think that unless there is bullying of exclusion going on at school, this is not worth getting so upset about

Lots of children this age don't even like parties that much

There's a lot of projection going on

bullying or exclusion

I'd feel distinctly cool about both mothers. It's the mother who does the inviting although the child chooses their best friends, and the mother who applies compassion and thoughtfulness regarding other children in the class.

Fair enough to have a very small party with very best friends, but to exclude just a couple of the girls is cruel.

(Also applies to SAH dads).

So wait, there's 13 girls and 2 haven't been invited and a couple of boys have been. So out of a class of 30, there's been 14 or 15 children invited to a party, mostly girls but some of the boys?

I thought the standard view on MN that you either invite whole class or less than half, it does sound like that's what she's done. It probably hasn't occurred to look at the children not being invited and see if that's leaving anyone out (like "one girl" or "one from the table" etc) becuase there's 15/16 children who've not been invited!

Thanks for all the responses. Just to be clear - I would never be rude to the other mum - or even frosty. I'm sure she will never know how I feel or notice any difference - I just won't go out of my way to be friendly.

Happy has hit the nail on the head - basically that's probably my underlying issue. There have been many "boys only" partys that she of course hasn't been invited to, and Understandably wouldn't get invited to any of the small girls parties (as she is not one of the closest friends). This one just feels different - I guess as she's the only one of the "park friends" not invited too.

.., I will of course tell her it doesn't matter, people can only invite a certain amount etc. and we'll get on with things.

Ps. - no suggestion of bullying and girl A is lovely.

Ref numbers, I would say 20 invited, 8 not (roughly).

"I have a child in primary (boy) and a child in secondary (girl). This has never been my experience."

Well, it was true when DD was at primary school and in KS3. DD and her friends only started being friends with the opposite sex at the end of year 9. She is in year 11 in a mixed friendship group now.

But how do you know these numbers, unless you've been asking about to see who is going and who is not.

I wouldn't have a clue who is going to which party, we hear of parties we aren't attending sometimes, wouldn't know number, stop counting!

I feel badly for your daughter, OP. I also try to do what Kr1stina does when it comes to invitations (which is also why we have so few parties; such a struggle!)

But if roughly 20 are invited, and 8 not, they may be down to venue activity number rules. There are party venues here with exactly that cut off at 20, and when primary school classes have 30, there are children who will feel left out.

I would be sad and cross for my child, too, but I would try to see the bigger picture that you have 6 more years of primary school with these children and parents, and things to tend to change frequently.

I don't think it kind to just "ask my kids" who they want" at reception age & maybe till Yr2, they need a bit of guidance. That is our job as caring, educated adults.
It is dreadful watching invitations being given out, and excluding some. Really upsetting. Our school has mixed year groups. One child bought in cake for just one group, given out in front of the others. Don't people think anymore?
op play it exactly as you have decided. Make a mental note, & don't go out of your way to make any more effort than is polite.

I do think it's true that girls that play with boys a lot do then get left out of the parties and so forth, as mums of boys/boys are far less keen to invite girls to a party than vice versa, even if they are fantastic friends in the playground.

My dd decided eventually to get more in with the girls for this reason I think, she could see that the boys were going to dump her when they got a chance- although now she's 10, they are still playing some games together in mixed groups. It can just depend on the particular class.

Whilst I think it's a horrible thing to do (either invite the whole class, or all the girls ) it is something I afraid you and your dd will have to get used to all through primary school. You will probably find your dd will deal with it better than you think. It is a good life lesson for your dd although it's mean having to start learning it in reception. Being slightly off with mum A is I think a natural reaction but it will probably make no difference as the chances are if she thinks this is an ok way to treat dc in reception she will probably do the same thing throughout primary school.

as mums of boys/boys are far less keen to invite girls to a party than vice versa

if this is true then mums of boys need to catch onto themselves and stop being sexist idiots.

I would guess that each child (A & B) were allowed to choose a certain amount of friends each and did just that.

Unfortunately, your DD was not on either list this time - although with the fickle nature of small children, she probably would have been had they been asked to choose on a different day!

My DD is also in Reception. We are in the process of planning her party & have gone for the village hall disco option so that we can invite the whole year group (44 children), plus cousins. Obviously, not all 44 will come but I personally feel happier about being able to invite them all and not having anyone feel 'left out'.

This seems a very popular way to do things for Reception here. As DCs get older, parties change anyway and to tend to be much smaller affairs (but more expensive!) with just a few close friends. Girl A could well celebrate her birthday next year with just one friend & chose your DD to be that friend! Things change so much at this age.

Please don't take it personally.

I think the invitations sound fair. You can't help being hurt for your child, though.

Once DS was the only child out of a class of 30 who wasn't invited to a party. The birthday boy was his friend and DS had just invited him to his own party and the mum had accepted. It was most perplexing and I was very hurt for him but luckily he didn't seem to know about it.

It turned out the mum had completely forgotten to invite him but had included him in the numbers so not chased his rsvp. It was a shame he missed it but just one of those things.

Apparently one of the dads at school approached another dad at drop-off recently, complaining that his wife and daughter were upset that second dad's daughter hadn't invited his kid to her party. Obviously there must have been terrible upset in their house about it so he had felt compelled to intervene