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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel distinctly cooler towards this mum

90 replies

Twix2move · 21/05/2016 07:10

I know I am being unreasonable- but can't change how I feel...

My DD is in a reception class with around 13 girls and the rest boys. She mainly plays with the boys although has a good relationship with the girls and plays with them sometimes.

Girls A & B are having a joint birthday party and have invited all the girls - except my DD (and poss 1 other). Some of the boys have been invited too - but not the whole class.

I am friendly with mum A and just know mum B in passing. My DD plays in the park quite often with girl A - and all the other boys and girls who go to the park are invited.

I don't think either mum did deliberately - but just thoughtlessly and I guess I would have expected better. My DD doesn't know about the party yet but will be upset when she finds out.

So... AIBU to feel rather cooler towards mum A than I did in the past, or do I really need to grow up and not let childrens' friendship spoil adults.

Ps - I do know the "right" answer - but a little bit of me says this tells me something about the character of mum A which I had previously suspected.

OP posts:

RidersOnTheStorm · 21/05/2016 07:41

It would be unfair if your DD was the only DC not invited but it sounds as though the party girls were told they could invite a certain number each and it's just coincidence that your DD wasn't invited. It doesn't sound deliberate. You have said she doesn't play with them as much as other DCs.

var123 · 21/05/2016 07:42

isn't not sin't. I can't even blame autocorrect..!

curren · 21/05/2016 07:44

Like it or not, classes do divide along gender lines in primary school. The children do it themselves, not the adults.

I have a child in primary (boy) and a child in secondary (girl). This has never been my experience.

Both have had good friends of both genders in their friendship groups.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 21/05/2016 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytime · 21/05/2016 07:48

curren - my DC all had some friends of the other gender - BUT in every case the classes mainly divided on gender grounds, especially up to about year 9 or 10.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 21/05/2016 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TimeforaNNChange · 21/05/2016 07:49

Like it or not, classes do divide along gender lines in primary school. The children do it themselves, not the adults.

Clearly not in this case, where the DC concerned has not invited guests based on gender

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 21/05/2016 07:51

Reverse?

I can't really see how you'd be upset by this. If it was ALL the girls but her or whole class except her then maybe, but it sounds like she's just invited people she plays with.

Periggy · 21/05/2016 07:54

Is there any chance your daughter's invite got lost? If so, is there any way you can say to Mum A (in a gentle and friendly and open way) something like, "my little one would love to come along - everyone else is so excited, do you happen to have room for one more? I'm trying to get her to make more friends as I know she plays mostly with the boys at school."

(Or is this a no-no in the world of kiddy parties?)

KERALA1 · 21/05/2016 07:54

Try not to fret about it. Don't be huffy with her. Bet your Dd won't care really and for gods sake don't project your upset onto her.

You potentially have 5 years ahead of making small talk with this woman in the playground there may be a time you have to not invite certain playmates due to numbers so I would keep your pissed off ness which is reasonable confined to privacy of your own home.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 21/05/2016 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KERALA1 · 21/05/2016 07:56

I really wouldn't do what per iggy suggests I cringe even reading it. They will think you are odd.

I have found with my two they honestly didn't care about not being invited.

Princecharlesfirstwife · 21/05/2016 08:00

I'm into my 16th year of Dcs at primary school. Neither I nor my Dcs can remember which parties they were or were not invited to. Good job I didn't base my friendships on the invites or otherwise of my children otherwise I'd probably not have spoken to most other parents at one time or another over the years.
Why do you think your Dd will be upset when she finds out she's not been invited? If that's the case she'll probably be in for a lot of upset During her school career.

curren · 21/05/2016 08:01

curren - my DC all had some friends of the other gender - BUT in every case the classes mainly divided on gender grounds, especially up to about year 9 or 10.

Well I am telling you that's not the case in every class. My mum has worked in schools her whole life and has always been amazed that the younger the children, she has worked with, the less gender matters. She thinks is fantastic.

Dds (secondary) main friendship group includes several boys.

Ds (reception) main friends include girls too.

Saying a child has to be invited because they are the same gender as the child having the party is odd and not helpful, imo.

Periggy · 21/05/2016 08:01

Sorry, didn't mean to make you all cringe and definitely not saying go in guns blazing demanding an invite. I think it depends how close you are and what the personalities involved are.

I wouldn't blink at someone asking me that as I remember what it was like to be the excluded child sometimes - but obviously others would!

MrsJoeyMaynard · 21/05/2016 08:07

Honestly, I'd be feeling a bit annoyed and hurt on my DC's behalf about this too.

But I think you should try to carry on as normal where mum A is concerned.

It's not like it's a whole class party and she's the only child not invited. It sounds more like the mum's have let the birthday children select a number of classmates, and they've picked the ones they play with most. Perhaps the boys invited play more with the birthday girls, both at school and in the park, than your DD does.

WakeUpFast · 21/05/2016 08:08

This happened to my dd in year 1. Joint party and all the class girls (from 2 classes) and a few boys invited except for dd. the worse was she saw the invites being given out and she asked the girl where hers was (she was only 5) . luckily I was still there and quickly took her outside the class and explained not to ask again. She was sad for days.

Yes I was distant with both mothers and I still am. Pair of horrible cows. I don't blame you at all.

Kr1stina · 21/05/2016 08:12

I think it's rude

I have strict rules about who my children can invite to their parties . They can choose

The whole class

All the boys or all the girls ( I'm not into dividing by sex but often the kids are are and it's a socially accepted way of dividing the class for anyone who doesn't want to invite 25 kids )

Boys and girls from school as long as it's less than half the class. So not all the boys minus one .

If they invite " non school " friends , they have to have at least two from " elsewhere " . So they can have 3B from school , 4G from school , 3 from karate and 2 from football .

This is so that the " non school" kids have someone else they know and are not left out by a larger group . They can't do 20 from school plus one from karate .

I've frequently had requests from my kids for " the whole class except X" which I always refuse . They are in a small village school where everyone knows everyone else and that's simply not done here. X is usually the kid they have fallen out with this week / month and they usually start playing togther again soon after.

Whereas if you actually exclude X, it woudl cause huge upset and offence and X and his / her parents will remember if for years . As well as setting a very unfortunate precedent .

Of course it's a different situation if there's serious bullying going on l but if that's the case, you have a bigger problem than birthday parties, you have a school problem .

Stardust160 · 21/05/2016 08:13

I don't understand the politics of children's parties. My DS has always chosen who he invites. I don't give it a second thought what partys he's invited to and what isn't. Personally I rather spent my day off with my family rather sitting awkwardly at a kids party making small talk with other parents.

CodyKing · 21/05/2016 08:13

My rule for parties is "invite your friends"

That's it - job done

Numbkinnuts · 21/05/2016 08:14

I always find it amazing how people know exactly who another parent / child had invited to a party !

Do they disclose the list on school notice board ? No - it's all speculation.

I'm glad my two are now teenagers !

DaisyArcher · 21/05/2016 08:31

OP - try to be breezy about it. Easier said than done, I know, but it will pay off in the long run. Don't let it get to you and hopefully your attitude will help your DD through primary and beyond.

Periggy · 21/05/2016 08:31

I think that's a really kind approach Kr1stina.

"I don't give it a second thought what partys he's invited to and what isn't." Which is great and probably a normal attitude, especially when you're confident, your kids are confident, and everything's fine.

My parents were zealous Christians and I was excluded from everything as a child, in part because they didn't get on with other parents at the school. Now there was a LOT that was fucked up about my childhood that parties wouldn't have altered - but in retrospect, all those mums who blithely said "yes of course, invite everyone except xxx, that's fine" could have looked out a bit more - and it was a small enough community that it was known about. It added a level of bullying and exclusion and isolated me further and so on and so forth.

... So that's probably why I wouldn't care if someone pointed out I'd missed out their kid from a party list.

If I had reasons for not taking them (actually he beats the shit out of mine / I only have six places and physically cannot take more etc) then I hope I'd explain that. Otherwise I'd do my best to open it up - not that we're at that stage yet.

Anyway - I think that's worlds and worlds away from the OP, but it's not as simple for some people as others!

TheWindInThePillows · 21/05/2016 08:32

I also let mine just choose say 8 children, whatever gender. Their class only had 10 girls so sometimes a few girls got left out and one or two boys included.

Neither of mine has ever got upset about not being invited to a party, and there have been parties they haven't been invited to, lots in fact. I think we just all accepted it's a bit hit and miss and no one party is a big deal (I think it's different if you never get invited which is a whole other problem).

OnTique · 21/05/2016 08:35

Agree with numbkinnuts. How do people know so much about the social arrangements of the entire class?

I get that it stings a bit but there are years of this ahead. Play the long game and try not to get too tied up emotionally to party invitations or your dd will pick up on it.

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