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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my kids not to start eating until everybody has sat down at the table...

82 replies

Grumpyoldme · 21/05/2016 00:38

...when their grandparents are sitting there right next to them happily scoffing away before DH and I have even managed to serve up half the food let alone sit down to enjoy it with them???

They are lovely (the grandparents that is, the children are occasionally lovely too) but sadly not blessed with (m)any table manners... think eating with their faces semi submerged in the food like piglets round a trough, accompanying noises, eating with their mouths full, starting to clear the table and do the dishes before everyone has finished... I am sure recently they were preparing to grab my half eaten steak from underneath my nose had I not been armed with a steak knife and a menacing smile.

So what should I do? Wouldn't dream of telling the grandparents off, but how about my kids? They are 5 and 7 btw, so old enough to wait that extra minute or two until everyone has sat down. I could try and ask them discreetly to wait, but of course they would quite rightly scream point out "BUT LOOK! GRANDMA IS DOING IT TOO! WHY DO WE HAVE TO BEHAVE WHEN GRANDAD IS ALLOWED TO EAT ALREADY??"

Or do I just let it go in order to avoid embarrassment? Problem is, I am not the most relaxed of people to put it mildly, so would probably require a bottle of wine all to myself to obtain the required degree of chilledoutness. Grmph.

I suppose I could try to put the cutlery on the table AFTER all the food is served and everyone is ready... just have this image in my head of returning to the table with the cutlery only to find the four of them stuffing fistfuls of spaghetti down their mouths. Well at least DH and I would have sufficient forks for ourselves. One for each eyeball.

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 21/05/2016 06:11

See if it was a plated dinner I'd see your point but when we put everything out in the middle of the table which we usually do, it's much more relaxed. We don't tend then to wait on everyone getting their plate organized.

My kids are well used to spending time with people and other kids who don't have the same "rules" as us and the other way round - I have friends whose kids have to finish everything on their plate - mine don't, my niece has a different meal made for her at dinner time on a Sunday, mine don't, I allow my kids juice with meals, my friends don't and so on. We all rub along alright and there's been no plaintive "they're allowed to".

kittybiscuits · 21/05/2016 06:16

I'm with you OP. A bit awkward for the children IME when the children know to wait and other family members are saying 'c'mon get stuck in you don't have to wait' but I think it's very rude not to wait.

Pollyputhtekettleon · 21/05/2016 06:17

Children are smart enough to understand the rules and have further understanding that other people don't have as good manners as them but as guests, should not have it pointed out to them. Just explain that in your family these are the mealtime rules and that although gp behave differently it's rude to comment on that. They'll get it.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 21/05/2016 06:49

"See if it was a plated dinner I'd see your point but when we put everything out in the middle of the table which we usually do, it's much more relaxed. We don't tend then to wait on everyone getting their plate organized."

I think the opposite - if you have serving dishes in the middle of the table, then you need people to pay attention to passing things etc before they start, or it's awful.

I have exactly this. My sister's family are awful for just troughing in and when something is being carved, the people who are served last - the carvers - come to the table and find people's noses in plates, no one passing vegetables etc. Then 2 nano seconds later people are looking for seconds to be carved before they last people have even started properly.

In the last couple of years it's got a bit better, but far too late - they are 16 and 14 now, and their dad is, well, however old he is. It's obvious to them that it;s a weird add-on bit of manners that they only do "out" and they don't believe in it and do it grudgingly. I had my children much later and I decided from the beginning that I never want to see them get like that.

OP - YANBU. Just tell your dcs to do what you think they should be doing. If they ask why their grandparents don't just say "I am not grandpa's mummy" or something

sashh · 21/05/2016 07:04

Prime the eldest to ask, "Mummy is it ok for us to start eating" when you back is turned and then say nicely that you want them to have manners.

If you put all the food on the table first, don't set the table with plates, hand out plates last.

LetThereBeCupcakes · 21/05/2016 07:04

Yanbu.

My DS is 3 and he always waits until everyone is seated. They insist on it at his nursery. (though quite how they manage to get a dozen 3 year old to sit and wait is beyond me!)

If you're putting all of the dishes on the table to help themselves just bring the plates out last.

Gizlotsmum · 21/05/2016 07:08

Ours have to wait.. Just basic manners. Luckily grandparents are the same. It can be interesting with friends children tho. Eldest (8) will often ask to start whilst others are tucking in already.. I receive pointed looks from her if I say she has to wait.. But it does tend to make the others stop too. Littlest is not so subtle but will still ask and wait (4)

Junosmum · 21/05/2016 07:17

Definitely teach your kids this. I wasn't taught it and had to learn it as an adult. It's embarrassing. I agree with teapot, but also with Apple.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 21/05/2016 07:25

Exactly what Violet said earlier. Teach them when GP aren't there and explain that they don't point out that GO have bad manners as that would be bad manners in itself.

DH used to tuck in as he's obsessed with food being hot but I made him promise that he'd wait till everyone was served when he took customers out!

dulcefarniente · 21/05/2016 07:32

YADNBU, particularly as you are putting all the dishes on the table. It's just consideration for your host who has worked to put the meal on the table to ensure they are not faced with just finishing up what's been left by everyone else. I wouldn't put plates out until all the food was on the table when the GPs were there and teach your dcs to wait when they're not.

Also can't stand plates being taken away before everyone has finished but that's probably a whole other thread...

MrsMook · 21/05/2016 07:34

YANBU. I was bought up with this rule, and it is fairer on the people bringing the food and drinks to the table. I think it has been eroded by the popularity of bar meals where the food comes out a bit at a time, and it can take some time between the first and last meal to arrive.

It's still a useful rule to be aware of even if it's not always used these days as it shows politeness to the host who will inevitably be the last to sit and eat the fruits of their labour.

(Remembers the Boxing Day collapse of the ceiling on to the dinner as DM turned her back to get more gravy. All afternoon preparing the roast, and ended up with cupasoup and mince pies as dinner was coated in plaster dust...)

JeepersMcoy · 21/05/2016 07:38

DC are capable of learning that different people do things differently. Just tell them that you wait in your home and when out together but the grandparents don't. No big deal. My dd is 4 and can cope with doing different things with different people.

It would be amazingly rude to infer that the grandparents have bad manners because they do things differently to you.

hattymattie · 21/05/2016 07:52

Agree - the DC's need to learn to wait- have similar grandparents who wolf their food down and have finished eating before I've finished serving up. It's basic manners. All my DC's now wait. If it's something a bit complicated I'll ask people to start but usually it's just a question of putting the plates out - they eat really fast!

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 21/05/2016 07:57

Bloody hell it's really rude to start eating before the person who has made the food and served the food has finished and sat down to enjoy it.

Otherwise you're just making that person into a servant.

peggyundercrackers · 21/05/2016 08:01

Im not sure it's something I would get worked up about

I'm in the same boat as someone else up thread who have some upper class friends, we have some friends who are very well to do and they don't wait either, they just carry on regardless without airs and graces. Is these table manners shown by the middle classes a sign of wanting to be seen as posh?

Topseyt · 21/05/2016 08:15

I wouldn't get worked up about it either.

If I host I would be much more bothered by people waiting for their food to go cold than by them tucking in and enjoying it.

You can teach kids that there is a time and place etc. When in your own home be relaxed. When out and in a formal setting then perhaps wait then.

Personally, I don't want people waiting for me to start eating. I just don't.

DinosaursRoar · 21/05/2016 08:16

Keep the plates in the kitchen and put them out last when grandparents are visiting?

I'm another who wasn't taught proper table manners as a child, but thankfully learnt fast as an adult.

There's people who think table manners matter and those who think they don't. Those who think they don't matter, won't think less of you if you show impeccable manner when with them, but those who do think it matters will think less of you if you don't. Teaching good table manners is the easiest option long term.

StarryIllusion · 21/05/2016 08:26

I would just say I don't care what anyone else is doing, I want you to use your manners. Or I'm not their mother, I'm asking you to wait.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 21/05/2016 08:31

The only time I can think where it isn't reasonable to wait for everyone ia if one person is taking an unfeasibly long time to get seated. I do hate sitting watching my food go cold whilst I wait for someone to finish faffing about - I'm looking at you dh who always decides that the moment the food arrives on the table is the perfect time to make a drink, go rummaging in the fridge for a random condiment and then vanish to the loo. He has improved after the memorable night I had actually finished eating before he'd finished faffing.
I second the idea of not putting the plates out. Bring them with you when you're ready. If the food is in good serving dishes, it wont go cold.

FinallyHere · 21/05/2016 08:32

This for me is a brilliant example of the intrinsic value of 'good manners'. It's about inclusivity and sharing/caring about others rather than stifling manners to cause divisions.

Who could eat while others were still waiting, once they are old enough to notice ?

Topseyt · 21/05/2016 08:56

Cigar, that is one of the main reasons we no longer wait. DH just taking forever to arrive at the table and deciding that "dinner's ready" means "go to the toilet for ages".

We just start without him now, and have usually all but finished by the time he gets near the table.

Whatacuriousplan · 21/05/2016 09:07

I'm a bit Hmm that you can't have a basic parenting conversation like this in front of your parents.
I understand you don't want to embarrass your guests but these are very close family - surely their skin isn't so thin?

Feefeefs · 21/05/2016 09:12

I would educate them to wait my parents were strict on this stuff and learning to eat with a knife and fork properly not just fork shovelling in. It's amazing how many adults you see with terrible table manners and they stick out like a sore thumb. I feel more confident in Business situations and with people I don't know because I know what to do.

whois · 21/05/2016 09:16

Food on the table in the middle - then go through with plates and cutlery last!

whois · 21/05/2016 09:19

Cigar, that is one of the main reasons we no longer wait. DH just taking forever to arrive at the table and deciding that "dinner's ready" means "go to the toilet for ages"

DP does this and it's FUCKING ANNOYING. Dinner in 5 mins. Ok I'm serving dinner. THEN he decides to go to the toilet, get a drink and then faff for ages putting on some music to make the atmosphere nice - whilst the food that is much nicer eaten straight away goes cold and soggy. I don't wait for him, if you have a 5 min warning and don't goose to sit down at the table that is your look out. He's also a really slow eater and I will clear up before he has finished sometimes on a weeknight when I want to get on with life admin or do something more fun than wait for him to finish eating.