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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be considering meeting him?

79 replies

iLikeBoringThings · 20/05/2016 13:28

I broke up with an ex almost 3 years ago. It was a bad relationship, he cheated constantly/didn't treat me well during the 2.5 years we were together. I've been no contact with him since about a month after i ended it.

At the beginning of the break up, he would call/message/email constantly, all of which i ignored and then it eventually tapered off to the occasional email asking how i was etc, which i also ignored.

He hasn't contacted me at all for the past year, until this morning, when i received an email saying that he misses me, that he needs to see me to get some things off his chest, that he needs to apologise for the things he did to me and that he will be waiting for me next sunday at 4pm in a place we used to go years ago.

It took me a long time to get over this guy, despite how he treated me, but i am 100% over him now. I haven't even thought about him in months.

AIBU to kind of want to see what he has to say?

OP posts:
Zaurak · 20/05/2016 14:18

Pfffft. No.

I had an ex do a dramatic 'I'm sorry for the terrible way I treated you' thing. When he got to the 'I know it must have upset you for all these years' I laughed and told him not to be daft, I was young and I hadn't even thought about it in donkey's years.

I think he was a little put out that I'd not spent the intervening decade in mourning or something.

Anyway,don't go. It's all about him, him being self indulgent.

Channel your best 'jolly hockey sticks' type attitude and say something like 'Gosh, I haven't even thought about you in years. All water under the bridge. No need for any dramatic gestures.'

WriteforFun1 · 20/05/2016 14:19

it's a no brainer, of course you don't go
you have 100 better things to do.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 20/05/2016 14:20

ignore him.
he'll hate that.
also - you should ignore him anyway no matter what.

MrsMushrooms · 20/05/2016 14:21

No good can come of meeting with this guy!

FluffyPersian · 20/05/2016 14:23

HE needs to see you

HE needs to apologise

He will be waiting for you..

Total and utter knob. It's not about his needs, it's not about his feelings, it's about you.. and from what you have said about him, I'd not want to go anywhere near him.

I'd personally ignore his contact and make sure you're not where he wants you to meet at that time.

londonrach · 20/05/2016 14:24

No!!!!!

honeyandmarmitesandwiches · 20/05/2016 14:31

It sounds like the start of him trying to manipulate you. I absolutely bet he has an agenda other than getting something off his chest. He wasn't a nice person then, he isn't now and he's hoping to use your inevitable curiosity about what he may have to say so he can go on some kind of ego trip if you ask me.

honeyandmarmitesandwiches · 20/05/2016 14:32

He's also massively puffing himself up, trying to stage some kind of Sleepless in Seattle moment for poor broken-hearted you, isn't he wonderful? Hmm

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 20/05/2016 14:36

I thinkthe apporpriate response is 'you seem to be confusing me with someone who gives a fuck?'

Pinkheart5915 · 20/05/2016 14:38

No, don't do it too yourself.

Just ignore, he didn't treat you well when you were together.

Arfarfanarf · 20/05/2016 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spiderlight · 20/05/2016 14:44

Don't go - he's just seeing if he can reel you back in.

LaContessaDiPlump · 20/05/2016 14:45

I understand wanting to, but don't.

Back before MN I had to go through the post-breakup analysis with a twat ex over the phone, because he wanted closure apparently. Not sure why his needs trumped mine but there you go.

Go on op, if you stand firm and reject this arse then I will be retrospectively absolved of being weak. Or something Grin

Seriously, do not go.

TendonQueen · 20/05/2016 14:46

He needs this, he needs that.. well, tough. Think about your own needs. You're better off staying well clear and not messing up your own head again.

GoneGirl1234 · 20/05/2016 15:04

Don't go and don't reply to his email. I had an ex boyfriend like this, he'd come trying to worm his way back into my life every so often using every pretext under the sun (including "apologising" for hurting me).
I realised that he's actually just a spoilt brat and what he wanted was any kind attention, as soon as he got it (eg, I replied to a message) all the stupid little mind games would start. As satisfying as you think it would be to hear him apologise, its not worth it for the drama and pain it will cause to let him back in your life. Just remember that YOU got yourself out of that relationship and have done well without him, I really like the phrase "the best revenge is living well" in situations like this - enjoy your amazing life without the pathetic ex intruding in any way, shape or form.

blindsider · 20/05/2016 15:10

You just KNOW she is going to meet him Sad

ample · 20/05/2016 15:12

Yes YABU. Keep moving forward.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 20/05/2016 15:17

YABU. So U.

Don't walk knowingly into drama.

You have nothing to gain, so don't start thinking you might have just because he's put the idea in your head. You have to CHOOSE to be free of people who do not benefit you, and keep choosing it, or you will not thank yourself.

Dexterjamesmummy · 20/05/2016 15:21

My ex did this to me years ago, unexpected email after no contact for a very long time. I went and met him, we're now expecting baby number 3!
I just couldn't keep away but for me it worked out for the best, however everyone else is probably right and you shouldn't go!

Wildwillow · 20/05/2016 15:23

Do not go do not go do not go...
Its all about him - I know the type!! The best and safest response from you is......no response. Protect yourself. Stay away.

Wildwillow · 20/05/2016 15:24

ClodiaAtia hits the nail 100%....

Original poster
iLikeBoringThings · 20/05/2016 15:35

I know I shouldn't go...but it's so hard not to be curious.

In my head, I walk in to this place, fashionably late, looking fabulous. I listen to him sob about how sorry he is and how miserable he feels. I tell him I'm not interested and I walk out, leaving him a heart broken mess.

But it never happens like that, does it?

I just wish he'd said this Sunday instead of next, then I'd only have 2 days to stop the curiosity getting the better of me!

OP posts:
EnthusiasmDisturbed · 20/05/2016 15:47

no it doesn't

We all dream of the man (or men) that hurt and humiliated us of begging for our forgiveness

then one day it really doesn't matter anymore what they say or do

Wabe · 20/05/2016 16:02

Look, you realise that your fantasy of him begging forgiveness while you look astonishingly beautiful and uninterested is just that, a fantasy. Him being a changed man who is suddenly alive to your hurt and how badly he behaved is equally fantasy. The understandable fantasy of someone who's been horribly hurt, but a fantasy nonetheless.

It took you two and a half years to manage to get yourself together to leave a man who continually mistreated you and screwed around - and I can only imagine it took serious reserves of courage and resolve to do that.

He's clearly very good at browbeating you. Think of this attempt to see you again as just more of the same, a cynical attempt to control you, to convince himself he could have you again if he wanted you, he only has to click his fingers and you will come running back with your tongue hanging out for more. The vague promise of an apology is only a ploy. If it helps you to resist your curiosity, think of him cynically planning this with an unpleasant friend. Think of him boasting to the lads that he'll pull it off, he'll get a woman he cheated on repeatedly for years running back into his arms with a five-minute show of repentance, and that you'll be giving him a forgiving BJ in the loo after ten minutes of hand-holding and two glasses of wine.

Think of it any way you like, but seriously, don't go. It is virtually impossible that it will lead to anything other than more heartache.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 20/05/2016 16:08

Unfortunately he's bribing you with the prospect of an ego boost; he knows he is. You know he is. He's dangling the carrot in front of you (for "I want to apologise" read "you will get to feel good") but there will be something in this for him. A chink in your armour perhaps, the crack through which he might start to get back "in".

I honestly urge you to resist. Is it worth it for that hair-flick moment when you dismiss him? Don't be snared by vanity!