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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Making a fuss of DD on her birthday

90 replies

YumBountyChoc · 19/05/2016 10:38

It's DDs Birthday at the end of June. She'll be one. I posted earlier in the week about my mum feeling she doesn't get to see DD enough but not making time to so herself despite my suggestions and compromises.

Anyway the plan for DDs Birthday was we'd take her to a local attraction that involves a particular animal (don't want to say as it might out me/where I live as its one of a kind). DD loves animals, is always stroking our cat (supervised) and pets MILs dogs, she points and smiles at dogs we see when we're out and about. So I was really looking forward to taking DD to this particular place. We invited MIL along and she suggested we go to an upmarket but family friendly restaurant for lunch afterwards - we have been out for a meal once since DD was born to a cheap whetherspoons type pub so this would be a treat for DH and I too, we can afford to spend this much on her Birthday, and MIL is paying for herself.

I invited my mum along and told her the plan. The attraction isn't expensive (£10 a ticket for adults, £5 for children) but MIL suggested we get the bus because parking will be difficult, which is £6.50 return. And the restaurant is £20-25 per meal dependant on what you have. My mum says £40 is far too much to spend and eve priced her out of coming to DDs Birthday celebration.

She's suggested she could afford about £10 for a day out (money borrowed from granddad) and says we should go to a local soft play place with MILs sister and son (who's 6 weeks older than DD) then go to a cafe for lunch.

DH has told work he needs DDs Birthday off which is a Tuesday, MIL has booked the week off - not just to spend with DD but it helps her birthdays in that week.

I really want to go with the original plan, so suggested Mum and I do the soft play/cafe at another time around DDs Birthday - maybe the week before when it's my birthday, but mum says it's not the same and MIL already gets loads of time with DD so we should let my mum see DD on her birthday.

So AIBU and pricing my mum out of seeing her GD on her birthday?

OP posts:

kitkat1968 · 19/05/2016 23:02

Your DC will get a lot more pleasure from your dm's presence than a fancy meal.that is the important thing

CheerfulYank · 20/05/2016 03:16

But the mother has said she won't come if the MIL is there, KitKat

Janecc · 20/05/2016 06:07

Congratulations for standing up to her . She's behaving appallingly. After the event, I would send her a text either as per BillSykes or just saying along the lines:
"DD had a lovely time with her family. It is such a shame she didn't get to celebrate her first birthday with all her grandparents. We do very much want you in her life".

I know you have sent similar messages before. I would NOT do something else as this is enabling her and she is likely to cancel/sabotage that as well. This is then a clear boundary that she sees DD on your flexible and generous terms (as per your other thread) or not at all.

It is such a shame when adults haven't learnt how to act like grown ups. My DD is 7. She now tells her very immature grandma (my mother) off for her 3 yr old behaviour and tantrums - it's hillarious and works so much better than me trying to do it as she listens to my DD without objection.

MrsJayy · 20/05/2016 09:18

Urgh Im sorry your mum is being so arsey and difficult it wasnt really about the money it was just some weird jealousy which is a shame she is cutting off her nose to spite her face

PuppyMonkey · 20/05/2016 09:28

Just text back "OK."

NoFuchsGiven · 20/05/2016 09:40

I've had just read both your threads op. Please just do as you have planned for your dd, your Mother is being extremely selfish, your dd will have only 1 first birthday and what you have planned sounds lovely. Don't let your dm ruin it for her and everyone else.

Witchend · 20/05/2016 10:24

Your dm is being totally unreasonable to expect you to un-invite your mil so she can come on her own.

However I still wonder if money is at the root of it. You say your dh has asked mil not to spend "too much on dd". That's not actually too clear. If I said that to mil she would take it to mean not to buy anything. If I said it to dm, she'd probably take it to mean less than £10. If it were someone else who was planning on spending £200 on her, they might take £100 was not "too much" or they might even reply "£200 isn't too much".

I wonder if the jealousy does come slightly from a point where she'll turn up with a carefully thought out present of £10, to which your IL turn up with a small drive on car costing £350. Then at the end of the day the IL will take dd into the shop and "not buy too much-just what she wants" and your dm will feel totally out present-ed.
If she's struggling to get £25 for a meal then she isn't going to have much to spend on a present and probably nothing to get from the shop for dd, so it isn't so much as she can't compete for presents, but more that she feels that she will be negatively compared and look mean.
I'm certainly not thinking you or your IL will think that, but she might feel you would think that. It can be very difficult being on effectively equal terms but not actually having the money to act on equal terms.

Original poster

YumBountyChoc · 20/05/2016 11:16

witchend good point, I will ask DH to clarify what he means by not too much.

I can also see what you mean in terms of presents. This has been a problem in the past with PILs, when it's my birthday and I've asked them to spend a similar amount on me to what DM can afford (used to be £20-30 but I reckon that'll be even less now with DDs birthday being the week after mine) and then PILs have spent £60-70 on me. And while I'm flattered and grateful they treat me the same as DH and SIL I can see why my mum would be jealous afterall I'm her daughter not theirs - I'd feel the same when DD gets married/into a long term relationship. I know PILs have already bought DDs present so might ask them to give it her the following day when MIL will be looking after DD for me, and my mum to not worry about a present, so that she doesn't get jealous. I will also ensure DH knows to ask PILs not to spend any money on DD on the day, unless they want to give us some spending money for her before we go - I don't want them to feel they can't spoil their gd, but this way my mum doesn't have to know it's PILs money. Is this fair?

I will talk to my mum again next week, as I don't think keep ringing her to discuss this situation is doing any good for my relationship with my mum.

OP posts:

Peppapogstillonaloop · 20/05/2016 12:04

You are enabling your mothers dreadful behaviours! As a mother you would hope that you want the best for your child and for them to have as many brilliant things as possible irrespective of who gives it to them..
Your last post suggests that you and dd should both go without because your mother can't afford to Match your pil for gifts and is too self absorbed to cope with that. Surely you can see that is ridiculous?

NoFuchsGiven · 20/05/2016 12:08

I have to agree with Peppapogstillonaloop

Lovewineandchocs · 20/05/2016 12:20

I agree with Peppa too.

Original poster

YumBountyChoc · 20/05/2016 12:37

Fair enough, I will however ask PILs to be mindful of my mum, if she comes with us

OP posts:

Lovewineandchocs · 20/05/2016 12:48

Just an idea here-if your DM is in a position to be able to babysit some evening, could you say to her that you would like that for your birthday-not necessarily on your birthday but a suitable night-so you and your DH could go out? It wouldn't cost her anything and she'd be able to spend time with your DD

Xmasbaby11 · 20/05/2016 12:50

£40 is a fair amount for a day out for one person - it depends on your disposable income really. Fwiw my parents might not want to spend that on something which is a child / family destination.

If I were you if do a picnic to keep costs down. Why don't you save the money for a meal out for you and dp another time? Presuming family could babysit.

KayTee87 · 20/05/2016 12:56

Op i see you've done everything you can re birthday day out. Your mum is being very unfair to you and your dd.
You shouldn't ask pil to spend less than they want to on gifts just in case it upsets your mum. Your mum needs to get over her jealousy and grow up.
My mum is far far better off than my mil and I've never heard mil complain once about what she can or can't afford compared to my mum. My mum tends to give large cash gifts to help us out (expensive year, wedding, moving house, having baby). My mil will pick up bits and pieces she thinks I will like. They are different people with different life's and one shouldn't compare to the other.
Your mums problem is not her lack of money but her jealously and bitterness about her situation.

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