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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Making a fuss of DD on her birthday

90 replies

YumBountyChoc · 19/05/2016 10:38

It's DDs Birthday at the end of June. She'll be one. I posted earlier in the week about my mum feeling she doesn't get to see DD enough but not making time to so herself despite my suggestions and compromises.

Anyway the plan for DDs Birthday was we'd take her to a local attraction that involves a particular animal (don't want to say as it might out me/where I live as its one of a kind). DD loves animals, is always stroking our cat (supervised) and pets MILs dogs, she points and smiles at dogs we see when we're out and about. So I was really looking forward to taking DD to this particular place. We invited MIL along and she suggested we go to an upmarket but family friendly restaurant for lunch afterwards - we have been out for a meal once since DD was born to a cheap whetherspoons type pub so this would be a treat for DH and I too, we can afford to spend this much on her Birthday, and MIL is paying for herself.

I invited my mum along and told her the plan. The attraction isn't expensive (£10 a ticket for adults, £5 for children) but MIL suggested we get the bus because parking will be difficult, which is £6.50 return. And the restaurant is £20-25 per meal dependant on what you have. My mum says £40 is far too much to spend and eve priced her out of coming to DDs Birthday celebration.

She's suggested she could afford about £10 for a day out (money borrowed from granddad) and says we should go to a local soft play place with MILs sister and son (who's 6 weeks older than DD) then go to a cafe for lunch.

DH has told work he needs DDs Birthday off which is a Tuesday, MIL has booked the week off - not just to spend with DD but it helps her birthdays in that week.

I really want to go with the original plan, so suggested Mum and I do the soft play/cafe at another time around DDs Birthday - maybe the week before when it's my birthday, but mum says it's not the same and MIL already gets loads of time with DD so we should let my mum see DD on her birthday.

So AIBU and pricing my mum out of seeing her GD on her birthday?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 19/05/2016 11:10

Skip the meal on the actual birthday then as your mil is staying get her to babysit and go out with your dp on another night. Meals out with I year olds are very rarely a treat for the parents. Fun, yes. Treat, no!

BillSykesDog · 19/05/2016 11:10

I think YAB a bit U actually. If your Mum is that skint she's having to borrow a tenner off her Dad to go out at all then she just can't afford it. You've been happy to go along with all MILs suggestions which make it more expensive, but you haven't considered DM at all in these arrangements. If she doesn't have the money she just doesn't have it. Can't you go for a meal out with MIL another time?

Original poster
YumBountyChoc · 19/05/2016 11:17

Fair enough I accept I'm unreasonable on the meal part and will change those.

My mum is possibly being awkward, as she said "MIL sees DD a lot so I should see her on her birthday". My mum can book time off work and was planing to do this, so will find a way to make it work.

OP posts:
Obeliskherder · 19/05/2016 11:22

Ah sorry cross posted.

I think it depends if your mum is genuinely unable to afford it or if it's some weird power game. I'm assuming the former. Mentally bung her whatever you'd spend on the soft play expedition (including second cake? Etc) and compromise between you somehow for the rest.

Actually even if it is a weird power game, finding a way to include her in your plans is a much better result than ending up doing her soft play thing.

OurBlanche · 19/05/2016 11:25

When you cancel the meal that you and your DH were looking forward to, that he rearranged his work for, to make a day of it, how will you tell him that your mum's feelings are more important than his?

If you think your mum is being awkward then you really shouldn't allow it.

If you do allow it, it won't stop, it will become an issue between you and your DH.

Only you know how much of this is down to your mum. If you really do feel she is just being awkward then don't pander to her. But do have a rethink about how you and she can arrange things in future.

t4gnut · 19/05/2016 11:26

You need to stick to what you want - what happens now sets the tone for future birthdays and extended family events.

Original poster
YumBountyChoc · 19/05/2016 11:27

It could be a power game because her plans didn't include MIL or DH, just MILs sister and MILs Nephew or it could be that she feels she doesn't see us enough that she didn't make the connection between DDs birthday and DH and MIL also wanting to see her on that day.

DH has suggested we univite his mum, the 3 of us go to the animal place and we see MIL and my mum a day either side to avoid MIL spending money on DD in front of mum which could cause resentment/arguements.

OP posts:
MaterEstIratus · 19/05/2016 11:30

If you want your Mum there and she can't afford it, can't you treat her?

TheoriginalLEM · 19/05/2016 11:33

i feel a bit sorry for your mum tbh. Can't you pay for her?

TrillKitten · 19/05/2016 11:37

Agree with the above. If you think she genuinely needs to be careful with money, offer to treat her to lunch. If you think it's a power play, hold your ground. I wouldn't change the plans you've already made in either scenario though.

Original poster
YumBountyChoc · 19/05/2016 11:39

We wanted both grandmothers there. I know that both are going to love seeing DDs face when she sees the animals and it's one of those rare times where we can justify having both DDs grandmothers together.

We definitely can't take the car now anyway as MILs just messaged me on Facebook to ask if FIL can come too, they'll pay for him and MIL.

I could probably pay for my mums bus fare, and half her meal so she'd still need about £20, but she might be comfortable asking for my granddad to give her that.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 19/05/2016 11:46

so because your mum is hard up she is going to miss your dd's birthday in favour of mil who is better off. its a bit shot isn't it

OurBlanche · 19/05/2016 11:49

Is she really that skint? Does she really have to ask her father for spending money?

Original poster
YumBountyChoc · 19/05/2016 11:52

OurBlanche I can only go on what my mums told me, and it wouldn't surprise me if this was the case because she has my brother living with her who doesn't work or claim benefits (see previous thread for reasons).

I do really want both mothers there, but can't stretch to anymore than half the meal/attraction cost and her bus fare.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 19/05/2016 11:55

I think blowing off your mum DDS gran for other better off gran is going to really cos problems its not fair you need to tell mil that your mum is coming too its a whole family day out for DDS birthday

OurBlanche · 19/05/2016 11:56

Ah! That makes sense - I think I remember your other posts.

Then do offer her half. There must be some compromise that means you can all get what you want.

Then, knowing that this is likely to happen again, you can make different arrangements in future.

But, to be absolutely honest, you really cannot live your life controlled by decisions your mum, DB etc make. You can bear them in mind, but have no reason whatsoever to live by their restrictions.

Good luck xx

Original poster
YumBountyChoc · 19/05/2016 11:58

MrsJayy I am trying to avoid that, I do really want both mums there and know if we can work out the costs/logistics it'll be a lovely day out.

OP posts:
PunkAssMoFo · 19/05/2016 12:06

Do mil & fil drive? Can you take your mum in your car & meet them there? It would be cheaper than 3 bus fares.

Kids prefer picnics to restaurants generally. If your mum is that skint, it would be nice to include her without making her feel like the poor relation. maybe you could have a meal with mil another day.

Original poster
YumBountyChoc · 19/05/2016 12:08

PunkAssMoFo FIL drives but they don't currently have a car and not sure when they're getting another one - could ask I suppose. Would happily do that though.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 19/05/2016 12:10

I think offering her half the money is reasonable and if she is awkward after that then I think maybe she is just being a pain I dunno it sounds complicated

EnoughAlready999 · 19/05/2016 12:11

Why can't mil & fil get the bus and you, DD, DH & DM drive? That'll save £19.50 which will cover her lunch.

Tryingtostayyoung · 19/05/2016 12:18

Sorry but I actually think you are being a little bit unreasonable if your mum is genuinely short of money. There's no reason you can't eat somewhere cheaper and foot the bill for your mum so she can join in. My DH mum is in this position alot and I would rather she came and we went somewhere cheaper for lunch.

On another note aswell, I think that you actually seem a bit selfish because you were quick to point out that you couldn't all fit in the car so can't use it BUT your quite happy to go along with MIL's suggestion that excludes your DM from the entire day so why not drive your DM and let MIL get the bus. It doesn't seem that you feel she's an integral part of the day.

BillSykesDog · 19/05/2016 12:25

I think MIL and FIL should go on the bus and you should drive too. Cheaper all round and then your Mum only has to stump up £13.50.

I can't see why you can understand the limits of your own spending (I really can't afford to do pay more than x) but you can't understand the same applies to your Mum.

And it really is unfair to say that you're doing a day out, but you're going along with all MILS expensive suggestions which price her out. As others have said, you're shutting her out in favour of better off relatives.

TwoLittleBlooms · 19/05/2016 12:33

As previous posters have said/asked - could you possibly help pay for her to attend? But I also think you need to stick to your original plans for DD birthday - do the animal attraction, after all it is her day - all about her!! I think having both MIL and FIL there and not your mother though is a bit shit if it is money that is causing the problem/restriction. Also, I would suggest if you offer to pay then do so discretely - don't make a big thing of it in front of PIL as there is your mother's pride to think of also. Hope your DD has a fab birthday!

MrsJayy · 19/05/2016 12:42

Why don't you just go out for the day tell mil your mum can't really afford dinner so we can go another day to fancy restaurant but I think your mum should go to monkey place