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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Making a fuss of DD on her birthday

90 replies

YumBountyChoc · 19/05/2016 10:38

It's DDs Birthday at the end of June. She'll be one. I posted earlier in the week about my mum feeling she doesn't get to see DD enough but not making time to so herself despite my suggestions and compromises.

Anyway the plan for DDs Birthday was we'd take her to a local attraction that involves a particular animal (don't want to say as it might out me/where I live as its one of a kind). DD loves animals, is always stroking our cat (supervised) and pets MILs dogs, she points and smiles at dogs we see when we're out and about. So I was really looking forward to taking DD to this particular place. We invited MIL along and she suggested we go to an upmarket but family friendly restaurant for lunch afterwards - we have been out for a meal once since DD was born to a cheap whetherspoons type pub so this would be a treat for DH and I too, we can afford to spend this much on her Birthday, and MIL is paying for herself.

I invited my mum along and told her the plan. The attraction isn't expensive (£10 a ticket for adults, £5 for children) but MIL suggested we get the bus because parking will be difficult, which is £6.50 return. And the restaurant is £20-25 per meal dependant on what you have. My mum says £40 is far too much to spend and eve priced her out of coming to DDs Birthday celebration.

She's suggested she could afford about £10 for a day out (money borrowed from granddad) and says we should go to a local soft play place with MILs sister and son (who's 6 weeks older than DD) then go to a cafe for lunch.

DH has told work he needs DDs Birthday off which is a Tuesday, MIL has booked the week off - not just to spend with DD but it helps her birthdays in that week.

I really want to go with the original plan, so suggested Mum and I do the soft play/cafe at another time around DDs Birthday - maybe the week before when it's my birthday, but mum says it's not the same and MIL already gets loads of time with DD so we should let my mum see DD on her birthday.

So AIBU and pricing my mum out of seeing her GD on her birthday?

OP posts:

redskytonight · 19/05/2016 12:46

You say you want both grandparents there on DD's birthday.

And yet you plan something you know that your mother can't afford.

The what it is and who else is coming is not really the point.

MrsBed2b · 19/05/2016 12:47

Its your DD's day not your DM's.

She shouldn't have to miss out because your DM is being difficult.

Personally i don't think you should have to rearrange your whole day to accommodate anyone.

Original poster

YumBountyChoc · 19/05/2016 12:54

I am trying to think of my mum in this, fair enough go somewhere cheaper and I pay half her travel costs etc. And I really don't want to exclude her and make her think she's less wanted because PILs are better off. I know she's jealous of them, and I don't talk about PILs much to mum, she brings them up in a "Lucky PILs saw them driving a new car" kind of way.

I could suggest PILs, get the bus and we drive hadn't thought of that. Will talk to DH tonight when he gets home from work about that.

OP posts:

LurkingQuietly · 19/05/2016 13:00

If your mum made an effort to see your DD and take her places (FREE places like the park or for a walk before anyone starts) and really made an effort to see her and play with her/build a relationship then I'd be inclined to alter your plans to include her. Your OP doesn't read like this is the case so I'd go ahead with your plans and arrange to see her another time TBH. Understand I am particularly cut and dry about these things though: people who make an effort with me/my kids get an effort made for them. Those that don't, don't.

Janecc · 19/05/2016 13:04

For all those who didn't read the last thread, ops mother has her grown up graduate son living at home not working or claiming benefits. Her mother has expressed her jealousy at mil seeing the baby more than her and yet makes very little effort to see ops baby.

Please do whatever you want to make yourself happy. Personally having commented on your last thread, I wouldn't change my plans. If you want to part pay for your mother, please do so but only if you are in a financial position to do it. Please be aware that paying or changing your plans is imo enabling her poor behaviour and will do nothing to solve the wider problem. Personally, I would be really upset that my mother can house, feed and clothe your adult brother and cannot spend £40 on a day out with her DGD.

Obeliskherder · 19/05/2016 15:15

If you're going along the lines of uninviting both mothers, just invite them both round for cake at the weekend instead.

I think your MIL might be quite hurt though.

Understand why you might resent your M supporting your brother so much but I think it is understandable and not a failing on your mum's part to put getting food onto the table for her DS above days out generally, GC or no GC.

missbishi · 19/05/2016 15:30

Someone upthread mentioned taking a packed lunch to the monkey place. Do check if these are actually allowed (in case of free range monkeys!).

snorepatrol · 19/05/2016 15:32

It was me I didn't even think of monkeys trying to join in the picnic

Witchend · 19/05/2016 16:56

I would have thought with experience that if you've had dd out all day doing fun ( but tiring) things then a restaurant at the end would be a recipe for disaster because she won't really enjoy it.

Also from one of your comments, I wonder whether your dmil is then going to take your dd to the shop and buy her things leaving your dm feeling very much second rate and the poor relation.

I think I'd just do the monkey place ( but drive as it will be fine mid,week and much easier with a 1yo) and have a meal out with dh while mil babysits.

corythatwas · 19/05/2016 17:03

If I was going to invite someone for a child's birthday do I would feel obliged to pay for them. Or else just do a birthday tea at home and take your dd to see the monkeys on another day as a birthday treat.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/05/2016 17:03

I wouldn't dream of going ahead and not including both grannies,if that meant i had to tweak plans slightly or pay myself then so be it!

Witchend · 19/05/2016 17:10

Actually re-reading your op, it's mostly your mil suggesting the expensive bits. Is it possible she's trying to price your dm out because she likes the idea of it being her and you on dd's birthday.

irregularegular · 19/05/2016 17:11

If I invited my mum to come I'd probably offer to pay to be honest. We took all my family out for lunch for our children's first birthdays. Do you think she's genuinely short of money or just being awkward. If genuinely short, and you can afford it, then I'd pay for her to make sure she is included.

WinniePooh101 · 19/05/2016 18:08

It's a minefield isn't it OP?

I've just had my DD's first birthday. After pressure from family on both sides to do something special and both sides wanting to see her we organised a BBQ, invited all the family on both sides and a few friends, we had 60 people! With the food, decorations, birthday cake, we even had to buy a few bits for the garden, it cost us almost £450 to make sure all the family joined us in the celebration. After the event....in-laws told me they thought our DD was 'overlooked' and the 'focus wasn't on her'!!

Go with what you want to do :)

PotteringAlong · 19/05/2016 18:15

If it's where I think it is then there's a special picnic bit outside of the monkeys where you can picnic! 2 cracking parks there too.

PoppieD · 19/05/2016 18:39

Hi bounty just read your other thread re your mum and poss 'martyr-y' issues- don't want to sound mean but could this be another bit of that?

Lovewineandchocs · 19/05/2016 21:23

I think it would be crap to uninvite your MIL, I'm sure she would be disappointed not to spend your DDs birthday with her. Also, the day is as much about you and your DH having a treat to celebrate your first year of parenthood as it is about your DD, so I can understand why you'd want the meal out as well. If the family friendly restaurant is particularly nice and you have been looking forward to going to that specific place, then I think you should stick to that plan. If your PILs get the bus and you, your DM and your DH drive, your DM pays her own entrance fee of £10 and you can cover the cost of her meal, I'd say do that as you all get your nice day out including both grandmothers. I'd offer that solution to your mum-if it's truly only about the money she should be delighted to accept that offer, but if she's awkward and still wants to do the soft play place that doesn't include your MIL then there are other issues going on and you may just end up having her round to yours for tea and birthday cake after the day out-if she really wants to see her DGD on her birthday and you have offered her a way to do this that includes everyone, then she should accept. If she doesn't-well, you tried and shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Original poster

YumBountyChoc · 19/05/2016 21:57

After talking to DH who said we should still have both mums there, but he'd have a word with his parents and ask them not to spend too much on DD as we both feel the day out will be enough, I text my mum tonight this - I;ve copied and pasted it from my phone and just gone through and taken names out:

"Mum, I'd love you to come on 28th June to (attraction) with us. (FIL) has offered to borrow (SILs) car for the day and drive him and (MIL) up to the (attraction), so you could come with me, (DH) and (DD) in our car - might be a squash but it's only a short journey, or you could drive yourself if you'd prefer. We were going to go to (restaurant) after, so if you cover your ticket cost I'll cover the cost of your meal. (DH) and I are really looking forward to (DDs) birthday, and hope that you, (MIL) and (FIL) will have a lovely time with your granddaughter"

She took ages to text back, it was about 2 hours before she did (unusal for my mum who usually replies quite quickly):

"If the (mine/DDs/DH/PILs surname) are going I won't be, I don't think it's fair that they get to see (DD) all the time, and I can't due to work and then they get to spend her birthday with her. I just want some time with you and (DD) alone"

So that proves to me that it's a "Woe-is-me" all hard done by, rather than a money thing. I have replied the following again:

"(DH) has rearranged work that week so that he can come, and I thought it'd be nice for both grandmothers to spend time with their granddaughter on her first birthday, (MIL) asked if (FIL) could come afterwards, and we didn't see any reason to say no, particularly as he drives. The invite is still there if you want to come, but I will need to know at the latest by 21st June as I'll be booking tickets and a table at (restaurant)."

Had no reply yet, not sure what to do from here really. I can't make her understand that I don't deliberately favour my in-laws over her.

For those asking about back story, previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2638895-Redressing-the-balance-between-GPs-more-of-a-WWYD

Should of posted this in OP really.

OP posts:

BillSykesDog · 19/05/2016 22:12

That's it then. You've done everything you can to include her and she's said no so there's nothing you can do but go without her.

If she doesn't come with you, I would contact her again. Say to her that it is DDs birthday and she is the most important person on that day and she has two sets of grandparents so you wanted them both there and did the most you could to include both. Say it's a shame that she couldn't prioritise what was best for DD above what she wanted on the day.

Then say that the door is always open for her to spend time with you and your daughter alone, but it is not fair for her to ask you to do that by excluding her other GP from a special day where it was perfectly feasible for everyone involved to be there.

WinniePooh101 · 19/05/2016 22:21

I have a similar situation with my mum and MIL. They both try to casually ask when our DD has seen the other one and where they went and for how long etc... My mum is retired so helps out with childcare 3 days a week so MIL has just taken voluntary redundancy so she can 'split the week' with my mum. She hasn't asked if we want her to do this she's just told us. The jealousy and competitiveness is ridiculous.

Lovewineandchocs · 19/05/2016 22:25

Sorry, OP I had a feeling this was going to happen due to your last thread saying how she moaned about the unfairness of your MIL seeing your DD more yet wouldn't hear of your grandad spending the day somewhere else once a month so she could see your DD that day. Seems she's just being awkward. I'd go back to her with what BillSykesDog suggests.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 19/05/2016 22:29

Just read both of your threads. Your mother is being massively unreasonable and childish and you are enabling her. Stop pandering to her tantrums, get on with what YOU and your H want to do for your dds bday and let her miss out if she wants to sulk.
You cannot possibly think it is a reasonable request for your mil to not see her GD in order to balance out how much your mother sees her..that is bonkers!
You sound really sweet but you are being way too kind here!

kali110 · 19/05/2016 22:40

Then you've done your best op!
I know you're going to feel bad but you've no reason to, your mom is being childish.
If she wants to act like this then she will be the one to miss out.
My mother is the same with her sister and her my cousins
It's like it's a competition.
Have a great birthday with your little one!!

Stardust160 · 19/05/2016 22:49

I wouldn't change your plans to suit your DM you invited her she doesn't have to come and I don't think she should make a song and dance about it either. I also don't see why you should pay for her to attend it's a one off occasion especially if it's your birthday as well. My DM would never behave in a million years if anything she would treat me!

CheerfulYank · 19/05/2016 22:57

You've done your best. PIL are your DD's grandparents too and there is no reason they should miss out. I would text back "I'm so sorry you feel that way, but I'm not going to uninvite them. Let me know if you change your mind."

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