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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to call my husband a racist?

148 replies

RosieandJim89 · 19/05/2016 07:38

We are looking at holidays at the moment and despite DH saying just a month ago that Spain was predictable and a dirty, he now won't consider anywhere else as its "safe". I suggested a few other places such as Turkey and he said no as he will get arrested for touching me Hmm. He will not listen to reason and then came out with "I won't go to a muslim country". I asked what he meant by this and he said they are all like Egypt - dirty and dangerous (his experience) and he doesn't agree with their way of life. He also brought up the shooting on the beach in Turkey to which I pointed out the incident in Paris, London Bombings, 9-11 etc. He said they were different. I could get passed it if it was a one off but when I suggested Morocco earlier in the week he came out with "I am not comfortable with taking DD to a muslim country" and another time he said he was "Wary of muslims".
I have always known that he didn't like the muslim culture which I understand as it is very different to our own but this is something else.
I got frustrated after a while and told him that I do not intend to holiday in Spain alone the rest of my life and that I did not want to discuss the matter further as realising my husband was racist was something that was not easy to take. He says he isn't but I think this conversation suggests otherwise. Happy to be told IABU or overreacting on this but I don't think I am :(

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 19/05/2016 08:46

Of course its not racist to be worried about your family but the ops husband had all sorts of rubbish tripping off his tongue

Buckinbronco · 19/05/2016 08:46

To be fair, I have been to a fair few middle eastern countries and hated them for the rudeness, harassment, treatment of women, shouting, inequality, homophobia, and yes, the dust and ugliness. I went to a few places giving the region a second chance and it got no better Shock so no, I now won't go to those countries because I only get one holiday a year and it costs a lot of money so I won't take a risk with it in order to display some kind of equal opportunity.

EBearhug · 19/05/2016 08:47

Even if you avoid muslim countries (which would be ill-informed,) there's still tons of the world you can go to - why is the choice just Spain or muslim countries? What's dirty about Spain, anyway?

MrsJayy · 19/05/2016 08:49

Yeah why is a whole country dirty ?

fuffapster · 19/05/2016 08:49

Yes he does sound racist I'm sorry to say.

In my experience Morocco was a bit of a nightmare, with harassment every time you went anywhere.
I would also be wary of Turkey at the moment - because of the bombs etc by both IS and Kurdish recently. Although I loved Turkey when I visited it, sexism is rife unfortunately.
Tunisia has a good rep in general I think.

But to blanket all Muslim culture/people as dirty, unsafe, etc is racist.

Catmuffin · 19/05/2016 08:56

Turkey and Tunisia are practically the same thing aren't they? They both begin with T. Wink

Catmuffin · 19/05/2016 08:57

What about going to East Anglia? It's next to Tunisia, aeroplane business.

nobilityobliges · 19/05/2016 09:00

YANBU. I think that it's perfectly reasonable and not racist to not want to go to countries where there is a risk of Islamic terrorism - that's everywhere in North Africa, the Middle East and Turkey in my books, sadly. However, it obviously is racist to be wary of Muslims and think that Muslim countries are horrible and dirty. I think the way forward is just to remind him that 99.9% of Muslims are as horrified by Islamic terrorism as anyone, and that it's ok to disagree with people's views (eg some religious people's views on women) - but that he can't assume all members of a group have the same views (any more than all white British people have the same views) and that he probably has friends whose views on some topics he disagrees with. He sounds confused, if he's generally a decent guy, then talking his worries over and sorting the legit from the non-legit might be better than just pointing the finger.

BillSykesDog · 19/05/2016 09:06

baby, it's not just about personal safety though is it? The Maldives might be relatively safe to travel to. But when minority groups there protest peacefully asking for religious tolerance they have been seriously attacked and injured. The protestors were arrested because asking for religious tolerance is 'unconstitutional' but no effort was made to find or arrest their attackers. Maldivians are banned from practicing any religion other than Islam. Non-Muslims face routine abuses and discrimination. Flogging is used frequently, particularly against women and for crimes like sex outside marriage. There was a fairly recent incident where four policeman stripped a teenage girl accused of sex outside marriage and drove her around a town publicly physically and sexually abusing her. Again, no charges brought against them. Gay sex can be punished by death.

But, hey, as long as you get a sun tan and don't get shot who cares if your money is going to support a brutal oppressive regime.

If someone can tell me an Islamic country with a decent human rights record, tolerance and equality for other religions, women and gays then by all means I'll go.

Problem is, nobody has been able to tell me where this country is. Funny that.

BillSykesDog · 19/05/2016 09:08

Tunisia has a good rep in general I think.

Er...the foreign office advises against all but essential travel to Tunisia.

shovetheholly · 19/05/2016 09:08

"What about going to East Anglia? It's next to Tunisia"

They talk funny there too.

SouperSal · 19/05/2016 09:13

YANBU. I visited Morocco last year with my sister (we're both very busty brunettes) and had not a moment's trouble. We went to Essouira, which is incredibly family friendly and relaxed. I wouldn't hesitate to visit with my 5 year old.

Netflixandchill · 19/05/2016 09:13

All of this aside, Greece is beautiful if you want to meet in the middle.

Waltermittythesequel · 19/05/2016 09:14

I felt deeply, deeply uncomfortable in Morocco and will never bring my dc there so I don't blame him for not wanting to go.

However, the best trip I have ever had was to Egypt. Now I wouldn't go because of the political unrest.

So, it's not always necessarily islamaphobic to not travel to these countries, though it certainly sounds like the case with your dh.

I wouldn't spend my hard earned cash making a liberal statement of some sort either, tbh!

mollyonthemove · 19/05/2016 09:16

Blimey. I spent four days in a complete non tourist area of Morocco last month and felt safer than I have anywhere else! Perhaps it's the so called "touristy' areas that have the issues. Two of us (was working out there) walked though a local market as the only western women and were treated with compete respect and spoken to politely. The hotel we stayed in was run by incredibly friendly people and even out in the countryside no one batted an eyelid. Try going somewhere away from the built up marketed areas.

28DegreesIsTooHot · 19/05/2016 09:19

I'd love to go to Morocco. I want to stay in Richard Branson's hotel there. It looks stunning.
I've been to Turkey and Egypt and have had fab holidays.
I've also had fab holidays in Italy, USA, Tenerife, Ireland and a few other places. I've never been to Spain though.
There's a whole world out there.

SouperSal · 19/05/2016 09:19

All of this aside, Greece is beautiful if you want to meet in the middle

Had loads of hassle in Greece when I last went. Shock

nobilityobliges · 19/05/2016 09:19

If someone can tell me an Islamic country with a decent human rights record, tolerance and equality for other religions, women and gays then by all means I'll go.

Let's not pretend that Islamic countries have the monopoly on human rights abuses and prejudice....

SouperSal · 19/05/2016 09:19

Also, my husband is going to Egypt in a few weeks. (Admittedly he'll be in the sea rather than on land.)

MyLocal · 19/05/2016 09:20

I am well travelled, been all over from the west of USA to the east, Australia, Thailand and Malaysia, Dubai and Abu Dhabi and most of Europe.

Of all those places I hated Turkey, parts of Malaysia (this was not due to the Malays who were lovely but Arabic immigrants in the city) and felt very uncomfortable and inferior as a woman in the Emirates. In Turkey DD age 16 was constantly ogled and cuddled and cat called by strange young men even when accompanied by us, her parents. In Malaysia all the men were served at the table (including young boys) before myself and DD. I have lots of examples and personally as a woman from the West I have generally found trips to muslim countries a less pleasurable trip. I accept their culture is different yes, but I don't have to like it or give them my custom.

I would never go to Turkey again. BFs have had similar experiences in both Egypt and Morocco although in Egypt it was their 12 year old DS that received the unwanted male attention.

Anyway, the world is a lot bigger than Spain, France is wonderful, Italy is fabulous and what's wrong with Greece?

hmcAsWas · 19/05/2016 09:23

Some of the comments are certainly racist - that muslim countries are 'dirty' for instance Shock, but it is possible to be non-racist and wish to avoid certain countries because of there are demonstrably higher risks. I concur with nobilityobliges

scaryteacher · 19/05/2016 09:24

Oman is nice, and there are good hotels in Muscat. It's fairly liberal too.

Cleo1303 · 19/05/2016 09:24

I don't think he's being unreasonable. I wouldn't take DD to a muslim country either at the moment. What about Malta?

Waltermittythesequel · 19/05/2016 09:27

I love Italy. I've been in the north, south and middle of it and have never been disappointed.

I had hassle in Turkey but nothing too bad. Morocco was truly awful for me which is a shame because the country is beautiful.

Never had a problem in Egypt but was part of a very well managed tour group.

I haven't been to Greece. I really want to go!

PinguForPresident · 19/05/2016 09:29

Racist and Islamophobic. He sounds like a walking Daily Mail editorial. I'd be bloody appalled.