AIBreallyU to refuse to apologise?

[frenchbluepuffin]

Ok, I'll try and make this as brief as possible. I have had an ok relationship with my step mother, she is a little spoilt - some might say! My dad works abroad and she has become very accustomed to living the high life (she refuses to travel Easyjet!!). In January my dad asked me to put his property on the market whilst he was away (she was too busy washing laundry and taking Xmas decs down to do it...her words) so they both agreed I sort it. This is a property they don't live in. 1 week later, we got the news that our then 2 1/2 month baby boy was going to need open heart surgery for a large hole in the heart (floored us completely). That same afternoon my stepmother rang me and accused me of leaving windows and doors open in the house they wanted to sell. I hadn't and tried to explain that in fact I had closed them as they had been open when I arrived (it was the builder), she wouldn't have it, nevertheless I got a little worked up and upset and hung up on her. That Friday myself and my baby were admitted to hospital for the hardest month of our lives whilst he went through and recovered from ohs. Not once did she call me or my husband, message me, visit my family or us in hospital, which really upset me. Nor has she been in contact since. In fact, she recently defriended me on facebook!! She has just now told my dad that the only way forward is for me to apologise to her. She wants an apology for me hanging up on her!! This goes against every single grain in my body. I said 'if I were to apologise, would I then get an apology for her completely ignoring the fact my son was in hospital having ohs'...he couldn't guarantee it. I am really close to my dad and we love seeing him, so he is stuck in a very difficult position. I really don't want to upset him, but I feel very strongly about this. We had such amazing support from the rest of my family and friends I just don't understand her stance on this. I cannot imagine apologising to her and then being invited for dinner as though nothing has happened and that it is all OK, because for me it isn't.

Hell would freeze over before I apologised

YANBU. This is about power, not hurt feelings.

Like fuck would I apologise and I'd give shit to my dad for even saying that she wanted me to.

I would not apologise and I would be having strong words with my Dad for even thinking you should.

Oh my God OP what a bitch she has been and I'm so sorry about your poor little boy and what you've all had to go though.I hope he's well now bless him.

No I wouldn't say sorry because you haven't done anything wrong your stepmother on the other hand has acted very badly towards you all.

I hope it doesn't affect your relationship with your Dad and I hope he understands where your coming from.

I'm quite petty so I would go for something very precise like GSR suggests.

YANBU to want to have nothing more to do with her whatsoever.

Hope your son is doing much, much better now

I'd sign off

Regards

instead of

Kind regards

so she'd have a clear indication of the depth of my loathing.

Thank you :) He is doing really well, gaining loads of weight and chunky legs (I have gained a few more stress lines but heyho). Time and distance from the ohs helps.

lljkk - I like that one. I'm going to have to take note of all of these genius responses and compile the perfect response. Pffft, annoys me that I am feeling pressured to do something, but the more I read here the more supported I feel to react the way I want to which will not be to apologise.

Frankly, I would have a serious go at your dad.

She is his problem. If it wasn't for him, she would not be in your life. He wants her there, you do not.

He needs to understand that unless he keeps her under control or away from you, he is going to lose his relationship with you and his gc sooner or later.

It is up to you to make that clear before it is too late.

And him even conveying the message that she wants an apology is bang out of order!

Yanbu but you don't have to mean it if you say it. Depends how much of an 'easy' life you want.

You are so NOT being unreasonable. And you have absolutely nothing to apologise for.

She should be the one to apologise to you for being such a selfish, cold, insensitive, horrible human being.

I hope your son is recovering well and you and your husband are also doing OK.

YANBU

I went NC with my Father and Step Mother over a situation that sort of echoes this (but not as critical as yours re ohs).

Stand your ground. Your DF is not in a difficult position at all. Your Step Mother behaved atrociously toward you and he must accept that.

Don't let her get away with this. It will set a precedent and will only validate her selfish existence.

for you.

Yes, guns message is perfect.

I would copy your dad in on it and follow up with something to him "Dad, I am still livid with stepmum but because I love you so very much, I will go against my instincts. I am sure you can imagine how out of order she must have been for me to hang up on her. Her subsequent behaviour hasn't helped. When she's ready to give me a proper apology for her appalling behaviour then I will listen and I will forgive her."

I wouldn't even say 'sorry that you felt' etc I'd just email her and say 'I shall not be apologizing for hanging up on you when you were accusing me of something I did not do, you know that at the time I was stressed about DS OHS so I can be forgiven for acting a little out of sorts at the time'

Send Gun's message. Silly cow.

I would send the fake apology on pg 1.

And then I would do my utmost to make her life a living hell. In any which way possible. With a smile.

Stupid cunt of a woman.

YANBU. Having been in a similar situation (a month in hospital with a seriously ill baby) I can empathise. Those words about it being trivial compared to what was going on in your life are so true.

It's good that you have other supportive friends and family and it seems your relationship with your father is strong, as my guess is you really don't need this narcissistic woman in your life. Put your wellbeing and that of your baby first.

There's no way you should feel that you have to apologise. And, indeed, if you were to do so, as you say, it's hard to see how things could go on as if nothing had happened.

On the other hand, if you were to tell her, possibly in writing, how you were preoccupied with bigger issues, how you felt/feel as a result of her behaviour whilst acknowledging possibly that you shouldn't have hung up on her, or now regret doing so, could it be a way forward?

To be honest, even if you go down this route, there is no guarantee that she would "get it." Like other posters, I suspect, that this is some weird type of power game, or she is too self-absorbed to appreciate what you are going through. But it could just clear the air, and you would be showing yourself as willing to take on board her feelings, whilst making it known that she should respect yours, and make life easier for your dad and possibly other family members.

Perhaps suggest also that they sort the sale of their own house out, as that has been adding considerably to the stress. (I personally would also be tempted to make the point, tactfully, that she will then be able to make sure that everything is carried out exactly as she wants it, and this will avoid the possibility of any further unfortunate misunderstandings. My best guess is that the prospect of that extra work will make her reconsider some of her previous words!)

At the end of the day, it is a difficult situation. Do what you feel to be right. For you, and your immediate family. Longer term, a bit of diplomacy, may make life further down the line a bit easier. But you may feel that isn't true to you, or congruent with your deeper values. Treasure what's important to you, try and let go of what isn't.

"Send Gun's message."

Or if you don't want to actually put it into words, ring your father, ask to speak with your step-mother, then ... when she comes on the phone ... hang up!

A totally unanimous YANBU is a rare and precious thing. Do not apologise unless you are very sarcastic/PA.

She's obviously very high maintenance and your dad is being pretty crap not telling her that she is out of order.

I'm glad the rest of your family was there for you during your son's ohs, what a terrible time that must have been.

Actually, I wouldn't use Guns' message as she may take it as an apology and feel validated.

How dare your Dad pass this message on - he should protect you from such twattery.

Op - you have done nothing wrong. Nothing at all.

I'd ignore your SM - she's obviously on glue.

The real issue here is with your father. He is the one who should be pulling her up on her shitty behaviour as opposed to relying her demands for an apology.

I'd send one of the suggested emails but to him, not her essentially asking why he thinks you should apologise for something you didn't do instead of focusing on the fact his wife thought it appropriate to de-friend you on FB and ignore the fact his grandchild was undergoing life threatening surgery.

I'd be clear an apology from you will happen when hell freezes over and you'll be NC with her until she gets her ego and priorities under control.

YANBU. we've had more major disagreements than this in our family, but when someone is ill then everything is forgotten and we all support each other.
Hope you and your baby are both doing well X

Your dad isn't in a difficult position, it should be simple. He should be more concerned about what his daughter and grandson went through than his wife's ego. He needs to get his priorities straight and tell her to get over it. She behaved appallingly and she is lucky if you are prepared to forgive her and move on, let alone apologise to her! Honestly, I am such a passive people pleaser that I say sorry for disagreements even when I don't feel they were my fault just to smooth things over. I have apologised to people who have bumped into me on the street before! But even I don't think you should apologise to her.