AIBreallyU to refuse to apologise?

[frenchbluepuffin]

Ok, I'll try and make this as brief as possible. I have had an ok relationship with my step mother, she is a little spoilt - some might say! My dad works abroad and she has become very accustomed to living the high life (she refuses to travel Easyjet!!). In January my dad asked me to put his property on the market whilst he was away (she was too busy washing laundry and taking Xmas decs down to do it...her words) so they both agreed I sort it. This is a property they don't live in. 1 week later, we got the news that our then 2 1/2 month baby boy was going to need open heart surgery for a large hole in the heart (floored us completely). That same afternoon my stepmother rang me and accused me of leaving windows and doors open in the house they wanted to sell. I hadn't and tried to explain that in fact I had closed them as they had been open when I arrived (it was the builder), she wouldn't have it, nevertheless I got a little worked up and upset and hung up on her. That Friday myself and my baby were admitted to hospital for the hardest month of our lives whilst he went through and recovered from ohs. Not once did she call me or my husband, message me, visit my family or us in hospital, which really upset me. Nor has she been in contact since. In fact, she recently defriended me on facebook!! She has just now told my dad that the only way forward is for me to apologise to her. She wants an apology for me hanging up on her!! This goes against every single grain in my body. I said 'if I were to apologise, would I then get an apology for her completely ignoring the fact my son was in hospital having ohs'...he couldn't guarantee it. I am really close to my dad and we love seeing him, so he is stuck in a very difficult position. I really don't want to upset him, but I feel very strongly about this. We had such amazing support from the rest of my family and friends I just don't understand her stance on this. I cannot imagine apologising to her and then being invited for dinner as though nothing has happened and that it is all OK, because for me it isn't.

[DailyMaui]

Frenchbluepuffin my "little one" is now 13 and is amazing! I look back at that time and wonder at his resilience and the way we just all coped with everything without drama - that's why it was so ridiculous that in the midst of true anxiety there was my sister acting like a spoiled brat over nothing.

It's really tricky if your dad isn't on the same page as you with this one. I think I'd write something like this:

Dear dad

I think I need to explain why I hung up on your wife. She was repeatedly accusing me of doing something i hadn't done and not listening to me. At the time I was going through an incredibly stressful and dark time of my life. I'm afraid I really could only concentrate on the bigger picture - my baby, your grandchild, was seriously ill and faced a life threatening medical procedure. Nothing except that really mattered to me. I'm afraid I did hang up as my patience for bickering was understandably extremely low.

In turn, I have felt really upset at the lack of support from your wife during this time. We have been through a really traumatic period and have come through it. I'm eternally grateful for your own support and that my baby is now doing really well. And I will say that facing such a serious situation has made me aware of the important things in life: family, friends, health and happiness. I now know not to sweat the small stuff and I do think this is small stuff. I'm sorry that your wife feels slighted - in the scheme of things I'm surprised that she can't see how petty it is to demand an apology over a situation where she was repeatedly falsely accusing me and not listening. And this when I was trying to help you BOTH out despite going through the most dreadful time of my life.

Can you understand?

Much love

Puffin

[niceday]

Make your dad see your point of view, and then once he agrees, let him deal with her.
If he keeps asking you, then it means she keeps annoying him and he cannot handle their relations well. Then again, sorry for you, but it is not your problem.

[niceday]

I would not apologise nor write anything to her. It's just like poking at open wound.
I would speak to Dad, saying I'm concerned about her mental state. And ask him if there are any other issues about her view of the world that suggest she may benefit from some help..

[wornoutboots]

"well dad, I'im sorry that I can't apologise for getting annoyed that during a time I was worrying about my child and the high likelihood of him dying that I had no patience to explain over and over that I had not done what I was accused of. I think, in the circumstances, you understand that I was on a short fuse and decided that "least said, soonest mended"

I'm sorry that your wife decided that rather than support us while her step-grandchild's life was in the ballance she'd rather be petty about something else. I'm sorry for the position this puts you in. But I assure you, Hell will freeze over and Satan will be skating to work before I apologise for not taking any more abuse via the phone during the hardest time of my life.

I love you, but until your wife apolgises I'll have to see you without her.

How about coming over on Saturday to see the baby?"

[frenchbluepuffin]

I'm going to read through them all again over the weekend as there has been a huge amount of advise, which really helps as it is hard to look in rationally when you are sat in the middle spitting feathers!!

[Janecc]

A few of us have suggested some more moderate stuff. I'm not that great at writing - I did suggest something up thread as well. Maybe some other mumsnetters will be able to assist you if you need help on that one. This lady's a tricky customer.

[frenchbluepuffin]

Dailumaui I am so sorry you had to go through such an awful time and on top deal with such a selfish (narcissistic again) person. I just don't get why they think they can behave like that especially in such a horrendously emotional time. I hope your little one is really well and happy.

[frenchbluepuffin]

Janecc I think you are pretty bang on there. I think my dad is in an unenviable position and it would get to the 'it's me or her' dilemma. I absolutely love the suggestions and responses on here but I am going to have to be careful how I respond. If I go hammer and tongs, she gets what she wants...a massive and potentially irreparable rift. So I need to make her childish and petty behaviour very obvious.

[Janecc]

[DailyMai] that is appalling. And very much echoes the the current situation. We are talking about beautiful children's lives. I am so glad both of your children have recovered Daily and French.
I really do find lots of these comments funny and more extreme ones would actually be what I would like to send. However, Sending any kind of accusatory message criticising either her or your father will antagonise his wife and by the sounds of it he is already enabling her. He doesn't want to rock the boat and he's already showing he's unwilling or unable to stand up to her. She will likely make his life hell and she may even force him in a position of choosing you or her and that may not end well for you. Besides angry messages perpetuate the drama and I really do think you've had enough shit thrown your way already. Even though I'm saying this, I really am very angry on your behalf. Tit for tat, however, will just work you up more and tire you out when you need the time for your family. If you are unable to send a very basic non accusatory message, I would say nothing.

[DailyMaui]

She sounds very narcissistic - I had a similar situation when my son was seriously ill in hospital and my selfish sister tried to cause all sorts of problems over something incredibly petty. I lost it with her and slammed the phone down as well. My mum was with me at the time but my dad disappeared out as soon as he heard what was going on because he's the enabler in the family. My son's health really put a lot of life into perspective. I was also asked to apologise and refused. I was also unfriended on Facebook. I went n/c with her for about three years. I still have barely anything to do with her. To me it showed her true character, that she was willing to act really selfishly when my world was falling apart. It was like she saw I was weak and vulnerable and wanted to have power over what we all did (it was christmas) and make us dance to her tune. I'll never forget the incredulity I felt when I realised what she was up to and how stupidly petty it was in comparison to what was going on in my life - my son almost died and I was effectively living in Great Ormond street hospital but there was my sister being totally unnecessarily stroppy about the tiniest thing. Gosh it's making me angry just thinking about it. Interestingly my sister also failed to contact me during my son's illness and then didn't come to my wedding six months later (she wanted us to pay for her train ticket, which we did, then decided the day before that she was too busy. My mum said it was because she still felt slighted - I really didn't miss her there.)

I'm angry on your behalf. I would send an email like the ones above pointing out that she was accusing you of something you hadn't done and had offered no support during the darkest time of your life. I'd also point out that this supposed slight is bizarre in the light of everything that the family has gone through. I doubt that she will forgive you anyway if you did apologise. People who are so self absorbed make it all about them - she won't change, if you apologise she'll still find something else that you have/will do that will make her feel slighted.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this during such a stressful time and really happy that your baby is doing well. That's all that matters, really. Everything else is just stuff.

[Gazelda]

it sounds as though you have a good and honest relationship with your Dad. So I think you owe it to him to send him Arfarfanarf's message.

Point out that you love him, have always done anything you can to help him (selling the house while his DW put away the tinsel) and don't want to fall out in the way he has with your DB, but feel that he's put your SM's petty vendetta above the feelings of his distraught DD and gravely ill DGS.

I'm really pleased your DS is recovering, hopefully his health trauma will turn into a distant, difficult memory.

[Perbsy]

I would rather be clever than right. She doesn't actually want you to apologise, she wants to drive a wedge in. I wouldn't let her, I would be playing the long game.

Everyone knows she's a bitch anyway.

[olympicsrock]

Do it do it. She sounds like a complete bitch. Glad your baby is better

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Not a chance I'd apologise. What a piece of work she is! Surely your dad can understand (and support!) your feelings on this?!

[frenchbluepuffin]

I am actually a step mum myself and whilst there have been a few bumpy bits along the way, id never ever put either my step daughters or husband in this situation...maybe she is on glue!! Thank you though, I am feeling suitably 'FT for your apology'!!

[Perbsy]

Actually I have a different point of view to everyone else. I would apologise, just a "Sorry if I upset you, that wasn't my intention".

Game over, you win. Your dad's off the hook and she looks petty.

[frenchbluepuffin]

Diddl, my dad has been brilliant, he was working abroad when we were in hospital and he rang every day. The issue is very much hers and in her head.

[oliviaclottedcream]

YANBU...Glad your little boy is on the mend OP. Give him a kiss and cuddle from me!!! Your Dad should weigh in here, she sounds like a right nasty cow from what you've said.

[diddl]

I wouldn't be apologising.

I'd be considering no contact.

Leaving aside your ill baby, she was accusing you of something & wouldn't listen to you.

Can't see a problem with putting the phone down in those circs tbh.

Glad to hear that your son is doing well.

Has your dad bothered to ask about him at all?

[frenchbluepuffin]

Cheekypainter - brilliant, so right!

[Shelby2010]

My reply would be:

Until I have a sincere apology for her lack of compassion whilst your grandson had major surgery & spent a month in hospital, then I am not at all interested in 'moving forward'. My son was seriously ill & she's still bitching about a phone call that took place 2/3 months ago? Tell her to grow up.

[TheNaze73]

YANBU. She sounds vile

[Cheekypainter]

Ok just ran this by mum pops , here is his reply ..... I'd tell her to kiss my black ass on her way out the door, and that would be just for moaning about the windows to him, I'd pack her damn bags for her if she even took that crap to you. My grandchild is the priority in this situation, who gives a fuck about a empty house, even if there was squatters in there it's not a problem all that can be delt with when my grandson is on the mend and home. !!
So there you have it from a 60 year old grand father.

[frenchbluepuffin]

You are right, I do have to be careful. Not so much from inheritance but we we already have another very damaging family member. My narcissistic sil who has succeeded in alienating my brother from whole family. Can't let a similar thing happen here. Two loonies in one family!! ;)

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Fuck that shit

Yanbu in the slightest