AIBreallyU to refuse to apologise?

[frenchbluepuffin]

Ok, I'll try and make this as brief as possible. I have had an ok relationship with my step mother, she is a little spoilt - some might say! My dad works abroad and she has become very accustomed to living the high life (she refuses to travel Easyjet!!). In January my dad asked me to put his property on the market whilst he was away (she was too busy washing laundry and taking Xmas decs down to do it...her words) so they both agreed I sort it. This is a property they don't live in. 1 week later, we got the news that our then 2 1/2 month baby boy was going to need open heart surgery for a large hole in the heart (floored us completely). That same afternoon my stepmother rang me and accused me of leaving windows and doors open in the house they wanted to sell. I hadn't and tried to explain that in fact I had closed them as they had been open when I arrived (it was the builder), she wouldn't have it, nevertheless I got a little worked up and upset and hung up on her. That Friday myself and my baby were admitted to hospital for the hardest month of our lives whilst he went through and recovered from ohs. Not once did she call me or my husband, message me, visit my family or us in hospital, which really upset me. Nor has she been in contact since. In fact, she recently defriended me on facebook!! She has just now told my dad that the only way forward is for me to apologise to her. She wants an apology for me hanging up on her!! This goes against every single grain in my body. I said 'if I were to apologise, would I then get an apology for her completely ignoring the fact my son was in hospital having ohs'...he couldn't guarantee it. I am really close to my dad and we love seeing him, so he is stuck in a very difficult position. I really don't want to upset him, but I feel very strongly about this. We had such amazing support from the rest of my family and friends I just don't understand her stance on this. I cannot imagine apologising to her and then being invited for dinner as though nothing has happened and that it is all OK, because for me it isn't.

[shinynewusername]

Is your StepMum my mother, OP?

She sounds totally self-absorbed. You'll never get an apology from her because she won't 'do' being wrong. But fuck apologising to her. And I have no sympathy for your Dad if he enables her appalling behaviour.

[TealLove]

My god she has a cheek.
I would NOT apologise!

[themorus]

I wouldn't even send the fake apology. I would be categorically saying "I will NOT apologise for something so I significant compared to the health of my child" she should be showing compassion to you but then if she couldn't see that then I doubt she ever will.

Similarly if your father couldn't see that from the first instance there is something wrong with his sense of right and wrong. It should never have got this far or back to you at all as he should have defended you from the off and told her to get over it. This definitely a power play by her and he is enabling it.

[Mamabear1980]

Do not apologise. Some people think the world is about them. I would send an email and not look back. Tell your dad he can visit you anytime and she can come if she is willing to apologise. She is thinking of herself. You are thinking about your baby.

[NightWanderer]

Just don't engage with her, don't text her.

Set your boundaries with them. They can sort out their own house for sale.

[WalkingBlind]

Phone her "to apologise" and then hang up.

Ok so a tad childish, but she sounds horrendous. This is obviously about her ego, she cannot believe someone would hang up on her how dare they! And can't even see past her own selfishness in your time of need.

[Mummyme1987]

I would go with are you both on glue or something? Then hang up!

[Italiangreyhound]

YA MOST DEFINIETLY NOT BU.

Haven't read all replies but did read GunShotResidue email on first page, excellent.

in your shoes I would either just not apologise or email as GunShotResidue suggested.

Or I would go and see them together and simply say.

Let me say my piece and you can say yours.

I did not leave any windows open, in fact I l closed them as they were already open. Then I learnt my son (your grandson, dad) needed heart surgery. This has turned my world upside down and made me realise what is very important in life, those who I love. I was very hurt and upset that you, my step mum, did not visit/whatever else but I suggest we now put all this nastiness behind us and move forward.

Although I was hurt about your treatment of me, I realise that what really counts is my wonderful son and the fact he is fine (I do hope he is).

If your step mum still has the gall to ask for an apology then the ball is in your court...

[PerspicaciaTick]

Send an email
"Dear SM, I've been talking to DF about how to clear the air and it seems like you and I have completely got our wires crossed somehow. All the time that I've been upset because you didn't seem to care about DS having major surgery and me upending our family's life to while we spent a month in hospital...it turns out that you've been upset with me because I ended a phone call abruptly. I guess I was just so caught up worrying about DS that it never crossed my mind that something as minor as a phonecall could have caused all this upset. Dealing with a child going through the trauma of life-threatening surgery certainly makes me appreciate what is important in life and has helped me gain some perspective on our disagreement. I hope time has helped you too.
All the best french"

[VioletBam]

Has your Dad got a will OP? The reason I ask is that this woman is probably worrying about him leaving a legacy to you and wants to create trouble in order to distance him from you.

Selling the house has probably brought up conversations about his will etc.

Tread carefully if you care about any legacy....don't let her drive a wedge between you and your Dad. She sounds repugnant.

[frenchbluepuffin]

You know VioletBam, that has crossed my mind as there has been talk of selling everything and moving further south!!! I have every belief that she is ding this for the purpose of creating an even bigger rift and distance. She is after all the money!!! As for ringing to apologise and then hanging up...LOVE IT, it is exactly what my husband suggested!

[Janecc]

I agree with violet about treading carefully regarding your inheritance. However we never know what will happen. Maybe the money will be swallowed up by care home fees or eg a future gambling addiction. And what is more important? What is right or what you may inherit? Been told I'm disinherited myself btw - in anger - I suspect not but may be wrong, situation with mother not sm.
No I would not apologise to her. She sounds very narcissistic and your father is enabling her. You do not need to contact her. As Arfarf!said the message should be sent to your father. In an email or better still snail mail for maximum effect. This is how I dealt with my mother and it worked. Maybe you can improve on this:

"Dear dad.
My family has been through a terrible and stressful time. During this difficult period, I tried to assist you with selling X property. When I spoke to dsm on the phone, she accused me of something, which I did not do and when I explained the situation, the verbal attacks continued. I did not wish to engage further and ended the conversation before damaging words were exchanged. I really am perplexed as to why I am accused of being the offending party as I have acted with dignity and constraint even when offered no comfort and assistance over the past few weeks. I am sorry that this situation has occurred. However, it is not of my making. I really wish things were different as I love you both very much.
Love French.

I've done it without accusing her. As neutral as possible and a lot of "I".

[MidniteScribbler]

Make sure you post this on your facebook so your Dad sees it.

[PestilentialCat]

She was "too busy doing laundry & taking down Christmas decorations" & you were not at all busy "looking after a small baby"

She sounds awful. No way would I apologise - I might say something like "I'm sorry I had to put the phone down on you" or "I'm sorry we've fallen out" or some such, but I would not say "I'm sorry I put the phone down on you" - see the difference? I would do this only because of Dad, not her spoilt madam

[Cheekypainter]

I'm sorry that you had to go though this French, no way in blue hell would I be apologetic. In fact my Dad would be horrified if this was us and I'm in no doubt that he would have gone spare if this was his wife, or even my mum that did this.
Your Dad needs to man up, abd make her apologise!

[MrsHathaway]

Perspicacia - I think that's brilliant.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Fuck that shit

Yanbu in the slightest

[frenchbluepuffin]

You are right, I do have to be careful. Not so much from inheritance but we we already have another very damaging family member. My narcissistic sil who has succeeded in alienating my brother from whole family. Can't let a similar thing happen here. Two loonies in one family!! ;)

[Cheekypainter]

Ok just ran this by mum pops , here is his reply ..... I'd tell her to kiss my black ass on her way out the door, and that would be just for moaning about the windows to him, I'd pack her damn bags for her if she even took that crap to you. My grandchild is the priority in this situation, who gives a fuck about a empty house, even if there was squatters in there it's not a problem all that can be delt with when my grandson is on the mend and home. !!
So there you have it from a 60 year old grand father.

[TheNaze73]

YANBU. She sounds vile

[Shelby2010]

My reply would be:

Until I have a sincere apology for her lack of compassion whilst your grandson had major surgery & spent a month in hospital, then I am not at all interested in 'moving forward'. My son was seriously ill & she's still bitching about a phone call that took place 2/3 months ago? Tell her to grow up.

[frenchbluepuffin]

Cheekypainter - brilliant, so right!

[diddl]

I wouldn't be apologising.

I'd be considering no contact.

Leaving aside your ill baby, she was accusing you of something & wouldn't listen to you.

Can't see a problem with putting the phone down in those circs tbh.

Glad to hear that your son is doing well.

Has your dad bothered to ask about him at all?

[oliviaclottedcream]

YANBU...Glad your little boy is on the mend OP. Give him a kiss and cuddle from me!!! Your Dad should weigh in here, she sounds like a right nasty cow from what you've said.