to not use his surname for baby

[notenoughtimeagain]

When me and DP met we both discussed our wants for the future. I knew he wanted another child and he knew I wanted to get married, have the big day etc. 2 years down the line and we are pregnant. DP has started to say he doesn't want a big day and has shown no interest in asking me to marry him anytime soon. I feel a little bit like he is getting his own way and I've been tricked. DP has a child from a previous relationship who has his surname. I have two DC who have mine and my ex partners surnames double barrelled. We never married. TBH if I had known what a pain double barrelled names are I would have thought twice. Filling in forms and there is never enough room , searching for appts, prescriptions etc. Both DC tend to just be known as my surname at school as it is easier. Their choice and both me and EXP don't mind as it genuinely is a mouthful of a name and a pain. They use the full name for official stuff obviously.
With the new arrival I am seriously thinking about only using my surname. I really don't want to have a different name to the baby and my experience of double barrelled is not great ( although it wouldn't be quite as long as my other children's). Of course DP will be on the birth certificate but just not using his surname. And if he ever gets around to marrying me we could change babies name to our married name. DP is adamant that we should use his surname, double barrelled as a minimum but preferably just his name. AIBU to want to use just my surname? If he is that traditional he should be marrying me. He surely can't pick and choose the bits he wants to do properly?!

YANBU - I would want my children to have the same surname as me as I am the one that takes them everywhere that requires forms etc, ie doctor, school, clubs etc.

Why not compromise and just go to a registry office to get married. The big day isn't really a major part of marriage is it? Or is he not wanting to get married at all?

I'm married and didn't change my name. DS has my surname. I'm also a Ms. We each wanted DS to have our surnames but neither of us wanted to double barrel.

If you're not married he can only be on the birth certificate at all if he goes with you to register the birth (he can't do it alone) so it really is your choice actually. If he wants the benefits of marriage then he has to actually get married (and give you the protections of marriage).

If you're not married and having a child with him, please tell me that you've protected yourself financially (property in joint names, savings of your own etc).

I'd use your name, in this situation. It links the child to their siblings as well as their mum. I wouldn't double-barrel - huge PITA and one name gets dropped, usually.

Do you have a house together? Rented, or mortgaged? And do you or he have pensions? Sod the big day aspect; I'd be examining the financial implications of being married, versus unmarried, in your situation.

Me and DP are not married, mainly because I am not bothered in the slightest about a wedding. Our baby is due in July so a couple of months ago I changed my name by deed poll to DP surname, something we both wanted so that the 3 of us have the same surname. If anything was to happen to me and DP I would keep his surname anyway as I hated my old name.

Just saying as this is an option for you however it sounds like you are both on completely different pages, you would probably be better giving the baby your name due to your other children too. I don't think it is unreasonable to not give the baby his name at all.

We currently live in my house (mortgaged) and rent his out (I get the rent towards bills). He is extremely good financially so can't grumble at that. He is more than generous with his ex partner she takes the piss. So I have no worries on that score.
The big day is important to me. I was married briefly many moons ago britney spears has nothing on my quicky. I didn't get the big day, shit wedding, shit marriage, distant memory. It's something I've wanted for so long I don't see why he wouldn't want to step out of his comfort zone for one day, if he loves me. TBH if he dropped to one knee tonight I would say no at this point. It feels like his hand would be forced and he was more interested in securing his family name than marrying me.

It was a bit silly to go ahead with getting pregnant without discussing this or the issue of the marriage. You could do a quick registry office wedding anytime.

I really can't see how either party has more moral right to name the baby. It's a person not a possession. It would be understandable for you DP to have just as strong feeling about wanting to have the same name as both his DC and for 'his' children to have matching names as you have about it.

I think double barreled is the only way to go.

I actually think it causes more confusion if a Dad has a different name to his bio kids rather than a mum having a different name. It doesn't make it right or wrong though.

Blended families are all about compromises.

My OH and I have very briefly discussed this. He won't hear of the baby having any surname but his, his other kids have his surname - but I don't want to not have the same surname as my child, while all of them swan around like a proper family. In the future I would probably like to get married, but neither of us are particularly interested in it right now, we could only afford one or the other and I wanted a baby so much more!

However, we have discussed me changing my name to his by deed poll for the time being, means we're all the same and then if we get married later, so be it. I'm not overly attached to my current surname, it isn't my birth surname anyway! I know your other children have your current surname, but I assume you'd take your current OH's name if you got married (or would you double barrel yours with his so you have all of your children's names?) so would you consider this as a compromise until you do get married?

I would second a pp's comment that it might be worth actually asking him if he intends to marry you at all before you went to any trouble changing your name though - I know you've said that the thought of a big wedding fills him with horror, to be honest, it does me too, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't ever do it. So is it marriage in general he's against or just a big do that might feel out of control to him? If so, maybe there's a compromise as well, if he does intend on marrying you, but the size of the wedding is putting him off, just have a small wedding and massive after party!!

I would not want my child having a different surname to me. Period.

Wouldn't it be so much easier to nip to a registry office one afternoon than to change your surname by deed poll to your partner's?

Okay, that sounds reassuring. Though I would dig a little, frankly - if I had a tenner for every woman claiming the ex "took the piss" when in fact a court had ordered an equitable settlement or the guy was lying about payments I could have a nice holiday. But on the face of it, he sounds like he is being great, and it also sounds like you are both financially secure, without needing a claim on the other.

I'd talk to him. Sit down and talk about why he has gone cold on the wedding. Talk through why it matters so much to you, and why he feels the way he does. Leave the name to one side - it's not fair on the baby to use that as a chip, anyway; I think the name should be chosen on what suits the child's best interests, and a link with siblings may, IMO (though if he has an ex he is generous too, then presumably it will have siblings on that side, too? So maybe his name as a middle name, no hyphen, that is included on official forms might work?).

Do think you should consider whether the big froufrou day is what matters, here, though. Wouldn't a beach wedding somewhere with all the kids and close family be lovely? Or even just the two of you? Still special, still luxurious, but maybe your DP just hates being the centre of attention - which I sympathise with.

I think I lack the bridal gene though, so maybe I just don't get it.

Why would you even consider bring ginger a baby into a family where 3 out of 4 share a surname and not give it the shared name?

How weird.

Is his name 4 times more important because of his penis?

Are there no other penises in the family that even things up a bit?

Also, you are planning to change your surname if you get married, despite sharing it with your kids?

THEY are your family now.

It's one thing dropping your Dad's name to showork the world that now you belong to your husband.

A whole other level of crapists to ditch your kids' name to show the world that you now belong to a new family.

Why would you even consider bring ginger a baby into a family

Poor ginger babies

But I agree that it's a bit off being so eager to ditch the surname you share with your kids for this man's name instead!

Don't you know that it's different for ginger babies?

In fairness the DP has children already as well. So the new baby is being brought into two families, with two surnames.

Not saying I have much patience with the idea that a man's name should be the default; I don't. But half-sibs exist on both sides, so there are family bonds in two directions in terms of the name.

Sleeponeday there is no court order. We have his son more than 50% of the time, do 75% of travel, pay for clothes, haircuts, and anything else she can think of to get money out of him. And he pays £350 a month also. So definitely taking the piss. That's another thread!
I would double barrel with my surname as a middle name iyswim. So not dumping my kids name as I would have to keep it so me and DC all have the same surname. At the moment there is a divide between him and his son and me and my girls. It didn't help when we had a 3D scan and his mum said oh she is definitely one of us, a definite "insert surname"! Made my girls feel the divide, and me too. I wanted us to be more united than this at this stage.

Also his son has two other siblings and each have a different surname to him and to their mum. So 4 different surnames. I don't think he would be bothered one bit what name was chosen for new arrival.

ktt and MelB in your shoes I'd be saying 'right, let's just book a registry office appointment and get the paperwork done. No one needs to be there but then all the legals are covered'.

Yeah, that's hard. I would talk to your DP, in that case. He sounds a great and very involved father, so speak to him about the situation with your own children and the name, and your concerns on their not feeling that connection, I suppose?

It's natural of MIL to be excited, and lovely that she wants to be at the scan etc., but I have to say, given that wasn't her own birth surname and there are children who will be the siblings who clearly will never share that surname, that that was a tactless remark on her part. Also rather rude to you - you're the mum, not a walking incubator.

I'd use your name, in this situation. It links the child to their siblings as well as their mum.

This. It's nicer somehow.

Also, if you ever want to take all your DC away on holiday, all of you sharing a surname on your passports will prevent problems at border control.

Actually, you DO have more rights than the father from a legal perspective - as you are not married, he cannot register the birth. You can choose to include him, of course!

As I understand it, changing the name of a child on the marriage of their parents (to the father's name) is very quick and easy (more so than a deed poll). Given that, it makes sense for you to give the baby your name and then, if you get married, you can easily change both your name & the baby's name to his (if you want to).

Having said that, I think a child might feel very left out if they had a different name to their mother and their siblings (especially if the relationship breaks down, unless he would be the primary carer?).

What's in the best interests of the child here? I think it's probably to use your surname, tbh, but up to you.

Tendon completely get where you are coming from but this was not something either of us wanted to do. We have no need to the legal framework of marriage, won't go into details. Both DP and I have said if we do get married we would like our children to be present. Deed poll was so easy to do anyway, it takes longer to book a train ticket online.

It really is each to their own.

YANBU. My XP already had kids from a previous relationship with double barrelled names and even he said our DD just having one name (mine) better than both. Both of his older kids in their teens dropped his name and just use their mum's. My XP wouldn't marry me and now we have split up and DD is with me pretty much all the time so good job she has my name!

On the subject of marriage, I would advise caution... That doubt as to motives will always be there and eats away at the marriage. The seed is planted now, it will always be in the back of your mind that he did it for the child not for you. In my case it, in hindsight, it was the beginning of the end. I was so focused on the fact that he wouldn't marry me I didn't stop to think did I actually want to marry him!
And btw, I get that it's the marriage that is important not the wedding BUT I compromised and regret it massively. I would like to hope that I will marry again one day, and would certainly like the "big day" but more importantly would like to marry someone who actually wanted to marry me (and of course meeting a decent man would be a good start but that's a whole other bitter thread!)

You didn't have to sleep with or stay stay with him. You say you told him you wanted to get married at the beginning, did he ever agree this?

I told my dp I would like children and didn't mind either way about marriage. Our ds is almost 2 and has his surname. No probs.

No one close to use has any issue with our set up. Only people who are strangers when we first meet them now ask when we will get married.

I don't care about getting married. I want another baby! Our first one is amazing. We are ttc.