to not use his surname for baby

[notenoughtimeagain]

When me and DP met we both discussed our wants for the future. I knew he wanted another child and he knew I wanted to get married, have the big day etc. 2 years down the line and we are pregnant. DP has started to say he doesn't want a big day and has shown no interest in asking me to marry him anytime soon. I feel a little bit like he is getting his own way and I've been tricked. DP has a child from a previous relationship who has his surname. I have two DC who have mine and my ex partners surnames double barrelled. We never married. TBH if I had known what a pain double barrelled names are I would have thought twice. Filling in forms and there is never enough room , searching for appts, prescriptions etc. Both DC tend to just be known as my surname at school as it is easier. Their choice and both me and EXP don't mind as it genuinely is a mouthful of a name and a pain. They use the full name for official stuff obviously.
With the new arrival I am seriously thinking about only using my surname. I really don't want to have a different name to the baby and my experience of double barrelled is not great ( although it wouldn't be quite as long as my other children's). Of course DP will be on the birth certificate but just not using his surname. And if he ever gets around to marrying me we could change babies name to our married name. DP is adamant that we should use his surname, double barrelled as a minimum but preferably just his name. AIBU to want to use just my surname? If he is that traditional he should be marrying me. He surely can't pick and choose the bits he wants to do properly?!

At birth the baby goes on hospital/midwife paperwork with the mother's name. When you register the baby you can choose to change that. I think if you're not married then he has to go with you in order to be on the birth certificate.

Why not use his surname as a second middle name? Or the only middle name if you weren't planning to use one.

yanbu, the baby came out of your body of course it should have your name.

Er, men don't exactly have the option of this. The baby shouldn't automatically have the father's name but I think you're swinging too far the other way here. The baby is as much the father's as the mother's.

Thanks squoosh.

Perhaps this means the usual (paternal) 'long line of [family name]' thing will be a much rarer thing in future? Children's names will be a random pick from their 4 grandparents names; and so on. I find it very interesting.

He dismisses my feelings on this as silly and hormonal

Sorry op, but your partner sounds horrible. What else does he 'dismiss'?

Give the dc your name, in case you break up

I'd love to think so Eponas, even if future genealogists curse us for it!

I was thinking that too but couldn't spell it!

It sounds like you want to not use his surname as punishment for him not wanting to get married and I don't like this sort of thing in a relationship.

I also think that as the children you've got with your previous partner have there dads surname double barrelled how can you not let this baby have its dad name too even if double barrelled or you use his surname as a middle name?

Me and dh weren't married when I had ds last year but he had dh surname and we got married 8 weeks after ds while we were in America visiting family this was no way the plan we decided to get married 2 weeks before our flight out. I do not regret giving ds, dh surname for a second

yanbu. i see your point. maybe stretch to the double-barrelled. but just his? fuck that.

So you're silly and hormonal, but he's totally reasonable?

Use your name. He's not a keeper.

QuintEssential. The baby came first because of time. I'm nearly 40 so not much time to wait, age gap with other kids a consideration etc. I just thought we would get married at some point. I thought he might at least ask before baby arrives but that isn't looking good. When the subject comes up he says a big wedding is his idea of a complete nightmare and makes him very uncomfortable and that he isn't fussed either way to be married. Well it's not my idea of a fun day out pushing a 9lb baby out of me but I'm doing it!
I see what is meant by losing any bargaining chip but I am between a rock and a hard place. The last thing I want is to get married under duress if he doesn't want to. But I always wanted to be married and don't want to give up on that. As much as we love each other I can only see me growing more resentful of him in the coming years, especially if baby has his name and I don't, and eventually calling it a day. At that point I will want baby to have my name. So I suppose I'm planning ahead for the worst case scenario (whilst secretly hoping his inner romantic makes an appearance and he surprises me!)

My kids have their dad's surname instead of mine. It's never been a problem.

Years ago, the dad's surname was an indication that the child was legitimate. If an unmarried woman had a child, the child would take the mother's surname and this indicated illegitimacy. Since the legal status of children born to unmarried women is no longer so problematic (except in rare circumstances, e.g. claiming citizenship), it doesn't really matter as much which surname is used.

But if I were in your situation I'd be registering the child with my surname. Not as punishment, but because I would consider a refusal to marry me to be a lack of commitment to the relationship. I'm probably hopelessly old-fashioned that way.

Use your name for the baby. And if you don't like being Miss on forms you can say you are Mrs or Ms or Dr (or whatever the hell you like really) unless they are for something like a passport.

Your partner sounds rubbish. I hope he bucks his ideas up.

When you get married, he can change his name to yours. The absolute easiest solution!
This ^ x 1000. Then you'd all have the same name.

I feel quite embarrassed to be a nearly 40 year old unmarried mother using Miss at hospital appointments etc.

Just bark "MS"! at them every time they do it. They've got to learn sometime.....

We are married but DH decided he didn't want the children to have his father's name (who was an @rsehole). So the children have my last name. People (including his family) never seem to get their heads round this but we are happy with it and its clear for the children. It only causes confusion on Xmas cards. Its just a name.
If the father of my child couldn't be fussed to marry me I wouldn't want the child to have his name either. For me it would be weird to have a different surname to my child. A friend of mine the same thing has happened. She wanted to marry, he said it was 'too expensive'. The kids have his name. She's not happy with the arrangement. Be bold and use your own name.

YANBU.

Why should the baby be given his name? I understand perfectly wanting to have your children's names match yours. I have a friend who has two children with two different surnames to her and it's all very disjointed and makes her quite upset.

If you married your partner, would you double barrel his name with yours? This is what DP and I plan on doing, but until then our DC (due August) will have just my surname and we will all change together once married.

Uhoh, our DPs sound very similar. Mine is dropping his arsehole fathers name for his mothers maiden name soon.

I don't like double barreled names much either and my children just have DH's surname for that reason (I have a different surname). I think that maybe you should give them your surname rather than your DP's but that is because you don't seem sure that you will stay together in the future. You shouldn't do it to try and force him to get married though. It's not nice to use your children like that.

If your name is first on your other children's names (eg X Jones-Smith and Y Jones-Smith where you are Jones and your ex is Smith, but they are known and X and Y Jones), could you not do the same with your partner? Have baby as Z Jones-Bloggs, most commonly known as Z Jones? That way it kind of keeps the peace and if you ever marry, baby could keep the double barrelled bit but be known as Bloggs?

If it were me though and my other children had my maiden name, I wouldn't want to change my name when/if I got married anyway, I'd probably prefer to keep it and work baby's name into it so you didn't all have different names. I would hate not to have the same name as my children, including ones from a previous marriage. If OH and I hadn't married, I would at least wanted the kids to have a double barrelled name.

I feel quite embarrassed to be a nearly 40 year old unmarried mother using Miss at hospital appointments etc.

Why on earth would you use "miss"? I always use "ms" . People probably think that means I am single or divorced (I am married) but who cares?

YANBU at all. He is declaring you can't get married, so you can declare the baby will have your name.

I do think you might have to give up on the 'big day' idea though and just have a small ceremony. If you want to marry someone under these circumstances that is!

If you intend to stay with him and you're going to be taking mat leave/damaging your career then marriage is advisable.

YANBU at all. In your situation I would insist that the baby had my name.

YANBU - register the baby with your name.

No way would I give the baby his name. You are not married, he could swan off in to the sunset at a moments notice, and you'd have a baby stuck with his name.

Tell him that it would be inappropriate, to give the baby his name, when you are not yet in a committed relationship. (I'm not saying you're not committed, I'm trying to stress a point here).

This makes me think about when my sisters DH said that he wasn't too bothered about getting married. She came back from a night out and casually mentioned how she got "hit on" by a guy. He didn't like that, and her response was "how was he meant to know I'm taken? There's no ring on it?" Passive aggressive maybe. But he'd been stalling and pissing about. He proposed shortly afterwards. Still together 10+ years later. Some men need a little push. Judge Judy did the same, so it must be OK!

its not his fault you are having a baby unmarried lol!

OP I would definitely give the baby your name, I see no reason to give it his name.

I have 4 children 2 x 2 previous partners. I married neither of them. The older 2 have their dad's surname and the younger 2 have their dad's surname. It's just how I did it. Everyones different, there's no right or wrong. If I were you, i'd ask your OH if he intend's on marrying you? If so, give baby his surname, if not, give baby yours.