to not use his surname for baby

[notenoughtimeagain]

When me and DP met we both discussed our wants for the future. I knew he wanted another child and he knew I wanted to get married, have the big day etc. 2 years down the line and we are pregnant. DP has started to say he doesn't want a big day and has shown no interest in asking me to marry him anytime soon. I feel a little bit like he is getting his own way and I've been tricked. DP has a child from a previous relationship who has his surname. I have two DC who have mine and my ex partners surnames double barrelled. We never married. TBH if I had known what a pain double barrelled names are I would have thought twice. Filling in forms and there is never enough room , searching for appts, prescriptions etc. Both DC tend to just be known as my surname at school as it is easier. Their choice and both me and EXP don't mind as it genuinely is a mouthful of a name and a pain. They use the full name for official stuff obviously.
With the new arrival I am seriously thinking about only using my surname. I really don't want to have a different name to the baby and my experience of double barrelled is not great ( although it wouldn't be quite as long as my other children's). Of course DP will be on the birth certificate but just not using his surname. And if he ever gets around to marrying me we could change babies name to our married name. DP is adamant that we should use his surname, double barrelled as a minimum but preferably just his name. AIBU to want to use just my surname? If he is that traditional he should be marrying me. He surely can't pick and choose the bits he wants to do properly?!

yanbu

I wish I'd given my son my name and if I had other kids I'd want them all to have the same surname.

It also really grates on me being referred to as Miss/Mrs sons-surname

Have to admit I think that's fair enough. If he doesn't want you to have his name (and all the security that goes with it) why should he get to choose? It's pretty old fashioned anyway. I wanted to be married, my husband wasn't bothered. I explained if we ever had children and weren't married they'd have my surname as I wasn't willing to be the odd one out. As it turns out we married, small wedding, just witnesses.

I'd be inclined to give the baby my name and then if you ever get married make him take yours. We're in 2016 after all (and I'm slightly vindictive).

YANBU - your kids are known as your name, so it makes sense for you, them, and new baby to share a name. If he wishes, your DP could change his name to yours.

If I'd had a baby before I was married then it would have been given my surname. No questions. DH was well aware of this before we got married. I'm not about to carry a child for 9 months and be its primary carer, bfing round the clock etc. for my partner to 'claim ownership' of the baby by insisting it has his name. I think it's outdated. Others will disagree but for me it would not be up for discussion.

At the end of the day, he has the power to ensure his children have his name. He can marry you.

To be honest, I wouldn't be particularly happy with getting married because DP has been 'encouraged' into it in this way, but each to their own. At this point, it's less about romance and more about you having the protection that marriage offers.

Use your name. And think very carefully about any decisions after mat leave re SAHM/returning to work etc. If you're not married you're not protected in the same way in the event that your relationship breaks down.

And of course he will be on birth certificate as father. That is never in doubt. Just baby will have my name which can be changed if we get married. It seems to be completely unimportant to him. I feel quite embarrassed to be a nearly 40 year old unmarried mother using Miss at hospital appointments etc. Please don't savage me for that comment, it's just how I feel personally. I didn't want to be unmarried and a Miss at this age, never mind as a pregnant woman. He dismisses my feelings on this as silly and hormonal. Yet they are no different to how I have felt for the last 2 years. I feel like I'm a few months he will have everything he has ever wanted and I will be left wanting.

I can see your point OP, and i nearly ended up in the same situation as you.

There's a gradual decline in the numbers of women taking the mans name even after marriage. How is the child's name decided then most often? Double barrel again?

And i have to wonder - what do all the children with double barreled names do when if they come to have a child and don't get married, or don't take their partners name? 3, 4 surnames?

I'm not being snarky. As i say i was nearly in the position of contemplating double barreling for the same reason as OP. (and it would have been a shit sounding double barrel)

I gave my child the last name of his father and deeply regret it. Bear in mind that you can still change the name via Deed Poll should you later wish to do so.

x posted, but re: the not liking to be Miss, could you be Ms?

(hate the labeling of women)

I have a thread from a couple of months ago where this is mentioned. The situation isn't resolved yet so I haven't gone back to update. Sorry I can't figure out how to link from my phone. He refused to be named on the birth certificate. I didn't change her name in the hospital so she got an appointment addressed to baby noodles.

I made the right choice giving my baby my last name. If you give the baby yours you can add his or change to his later. If the baby has his you would need his permission to change it if you were to break up - which you would be unlikely to get.

Thinking about it rationally I would've given my baby both if her father had talked to me about it. I think he has made things easier for me though.

Whenever this comes up here, loads of posters come on to say they regret giving their children their partner's name. I don't think you're being unreasonable, and I would offer him a compromise: quick, small wedding before the baby arrives, and you all have the same surname.

In your position I would definitely give your baby your own surname. I'm a Registrar - if and when you marry the baby's father, the child's birth can be re-registered and at that point can take your husband's surname if you wish.

My view has always been:

If you're going to get married in the future and you would take his name, give the baby his name too.
If you've no plans to ever marry or if you'd keep your name if did get married, give the baby your name or a double barrelled name.

A mother does not have more rights than a father. Both of you are the parents, if you can't agree then double barreled is the only fair solution. Given you already have kids with double barrelled name then another one won't be a big change.

Don't blackmail him into marrying you, it will just end in resentment. Why dont you just ask him to marry you? At least then you will know and can decide to move on if its that important to you.

And i have to wonder - what do all the children with double barreled names do when if they come to have a child and don't get married, or don't take their partners name? 3, 4 surnames?

This question is always asked. If a double barrel person has a child with another double barrel person they have many choices, a veritable pic n mix! One name from one parent, one from the other, etc. etc. And I doubt many people plump for a triple or quadruple barrel name.

Never mind marriage, you're the one carrying and delivering the child, use whatever name you like. Though I do agree it's hypocritical of him to demand his name be used if he won't marry their mother.

use your own surname, if he's bothered he can change his name or marry you.

I would not have given my children any name but my own ( we were married before first arrived) I was very clear about it.

It's a personal choice and one that you make together. Any children me and DP have are going in my name. He's not bothered either way. DD from a prior relationship is also in my name.

Yanbu, the baby came out of your body of course it should have your name.

Did you just assume he would marry you if you got pregnant?
Never a good idea to start with babies first and hope for marriage later. You lost your only bargaining card, now he has no reason to marry you. You are tied to him already, but he is not really that tied to you. Win win for him, not so much for you!

I would give the baby his name as a middle name - not a double barrel, just a middle name - as a fair compromise. I would also point out that he can be as "adamant" as he likes but you get the final say because you're not married and that's not something you chose.

Do it. YANBU at all.

When you get married, he can change his name to yours. The absolute easiest solution!

And I bet he doesn't do it.

Its completely up to you. I do not think youa re being unreasonable

Personally though..me and OH are married now but we weren't when I had the kids and it was never an issue at all, they just took his surname and there wasn't even any discussion about it really. I thought most kids got their fathers surname..and even if they don't..was right for us.

Considering your other children, then I would stick with using your own surname for your baby. It makes sense.

For what it's worth I am married to my son's dad, in a happy relationship (and married before I was pregnant) but after my son was born I was really pissed off that I did all the work and name wise he had no connections to me or my side of the family as he had a family name for his middle name and my husband's surname.