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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

11 day old baby

89 replies

dublinboat · 18/05/2016 10:36

Love my DM but she has some strong views on how to care for DCs. Always knew this would cause friction.

DD is 11 days old. DM phoned at 9.30am, I told her we were still cuddling in bed, she was . Then she asked why I hadn't bathed DD already. And for about the millionth time this week asked what our "routine" is (answer: still no routine whatsoever!!)

Then she ended the conversation with "go on then, get up and dressed and take DD out for some fresh air".

I know I'm going to have to get used to this but feeling a bit down that she's clearly quite unimpressed. Please MNers, reassure me - I'm not a slovenly terrible mother am I??

OP posts:

Originalfoogirl · 18/05/2016 11:33

Raise your baby your way, and enjoy cuddles and lazing - it's a perk of the job.

But, do lay the ground rules with your mum. Tell her you will do things your way, and you really don't want to be second guessed every time, and you would appreciate her keeping her thoughts to herself.

She might get huffy, but not forever. If you don't stop it now, it will go on forever and the longer you leave it, the harder it is. We did this with my MIL and it's only because she backed off that we still have a fabulous relationship.

JeffFromTheDailyMail · 18/05/2016 11:34

I thought you shouldn't wash them unless actually dirty? Chemicals and shit.... Either way, enjoy the cuddles, you can never get them back

EvansAndThePrince · 18/05/2016 11:34

I always think some mothers of new mums forget that they're not the mum any more! It's a difficult time for everyone, your mum is trying to figure out where she stands as I'm sure she will feel a certain amount of "this is our (the family's) new baby, and has to learn that she's not in control. You're just staring out and need to learn that you're the mum now, not her, as has always been. But you will still want support and advice. It's a confusing time but you'll find the balance.

Maybe say to her that you need a little space to learn how to be a mum by yourself?

spacefrog35 · 18/05/2016 11:35

We're having a pj day today, DD is 7 weeks. Anyone else is perfectly entitled to their opinion but it's not going to get either of us out of bed, we're too comfy

Artistic · 18/05/2016 11:35

Didn't get out of bed until 11am for the first 7 weeks. With both DC. Didn't care who thought what. Just gave them a piece of my mind. Thankfully DH understood, so no problem. Do whatever works for you. And good luck with getting a shower in the next 24 hours.

MerryMarigold · 18/05/2016 11:36

I bathed them once (or max twice) a week for ages.

VocationalGoat · 18/05/2016 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skivvywoman · 18/05/2016 11:41

I was 17 when I had my first child and lived with my mum and she was like your mum so I thought it was normal to get up baby fed bathed changed and into pram and either in the garden to sleep or out and about and I done with 2nd child too 3rd child I never had the time to wash my own face never mind anything else!!

So no yanbu enjoy the precious time with your baby and plenty cuddles and rest

Janecc · 18/05/2016 11:42

My mother was the same with her ridiculous and useless advice and complaints about anything and everything. She still is actually. My DD almost 8 calls her out on her crap now. It's hilarious! Keep doing what you're doing. I'm dreaming of baby snuggles and that wonderful baby smell.

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 11:43

Teenagers need very regular washes - mine need daily ones but don't take them - hormones and all that! Children need fairly regular washes.

I don't think babies don't need to be washed as much as the rest of us, but it's a preference thing. They need keeping clean around their folds like creases in legs, neck and regular nappy changes, but these can be cleaned with cotton wool or washed with a cloth. Their skin has natural oils and daily bathing can just strip these.

Your mum was bought up with different values, and she's going to have to step back!

The most important thing of everything now is your mental wellbeing and the babies feeding. Everything and everyone else can butt out!

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 11:43

Sorry, 'I don't think babies need to be washed... Double negative!'

Saramel · 18/05/2016 11:46

The trouble with mothers is they think they are acting out of love. The trouble with daughters is they think mothers are interfering. When my mother implies I am doing wrong, I just lightly reply, "It's a good job you are living your life and I am living mine then, isn't it!" When it is my daughter I give her the benefit of my advice but since she has been an adult I have told her the beauty of advice is that you can take it or leave it. Having said that, I have upset her on occasion when that was the furthest thing from my mind so even with all my best efforts, I still don't get it right!

sphinxster · 18/05/2016 11:50

YANBU

my ds is 7 months and I still take him into my bed for his morning nap so i can have a cuddle. He's developing so quickly, this stage will be over the next time I blink so I'm making the most of it.

ceebie · 18/05/2016 11:53

I agree with Evans - I think GMs can sometimes find it hard not being in control any more, and working out what their role is. She needs to learn how to step back and she isn't managing this yet. Think of it as her problem, not yours.

I disagree with Angry about the "Doctor says" approach. She needs to understand that you have your own way of doing things which you are happy with.

Imaginosity · 18/05/2016 11:55

That sounds really annoying. With my first baby I hardly left the house for weeks - I was too overwhelmed and disorganised- which I think is kind of normal in the early days. I'm sure your baby would prefer to be snuggled up in bed with you.

Feilin · 18/05/2016 12:00

My nearly 6 week old gets up just before 7 every day without fail. I envy you . Tell her to sod off.

Oysterbabe · 18/05/2016 12:02

You need to tell her straight at this early stage to keep her nose out and that you'll do things your way. We had nothing approaching a routine until 15 weeks.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/05/2016 12:06

I think the 80s was a bit of a "having it all" "Superwoman" sort of time. I had mine in the 90s and loads of people said crap like, "Pregnancy is not an illness you know" and "In China they give birth in the paddy fields and go straight back to work".

I was in Tesco doing the weekly shop, with stitches and leaking from every orifice about two days after having DS1. Sheer lunacy and probably pushed me very close to PND. Take your time and do what feels right for you, that's what I'll be telling my daughters.

switswoo81 · 18/05/2016 12:07

Are you Irish Dublinboat. My mum has very strict ideas about just getting up and on with it. Pj's are slovenly past 9 am and fresh air cures everything!!
But I think your dead right. would love to be snuggling a newborn again. My dd put herself in a fab routine around 5 months she was bored of asking me for one! Think she has her nan's personality.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/05/2016 12:15

Routine with an 11 day old . I had my daughter last June and recall no routine.

I admit I tried to get out and about (in hindsight a 2 mile walk with a 2nd degree tear 4 days post birth was an error) when the weather was nice. Mostly showered and dressed every day...at some point during the course of the day.

It's fine to relax and cuddle your baby. Ignore your mum. Better - flatly tell her you aren't interested in her opinion on this.

Valentine2 · 18/05/2016 12:19

She must have forgotten how hard it is to have a tiny baby and the dirt few months. don't respond to calls and have fun. You have earned it

Juanbablo · 18/05/2016 12:23

Baby is 11 days old. Stay in bed, do what you like. There's plenty of time for "getting up and out" in the future. It's raining here and if I was you I would definitely be staying in and snuggling my baby. I've got 3 children and I wish I had spent more time chilling out with my first when I had the chance.

ollieplimsoles · 18/05/2016 12:26

Phone rings,
you see its your mother,
you pick the phone up,
you put it straight back down again..

Then continue with your day.

Kwirrell · 18/05/2016 12:31

Who phones a new mum that early in the day. Hope your routine will include a time for answering daft questions and fielding opinions.

littlemonkey5 · 18/05/2016 12:44

number 5 is 4 weeks old today. DD2 is asleep and I am having snuggles with DS3. With others, I am lucky to get a shower and very very lucky to get snuggles with DS3 because I'm nearly always busy. For 2 days DD2 has decided to fight her nap, but today she finally fell asleep after 15 minutes of protesting - giving me a peaceful 2hrs to spend with DS2.......

We have a routine of get up, get dressed, have food, make lunch, leave for school...... Come home, get changed, kids play/we tidy dinner, bath and bed...... I get told to rest!! Ha! Ha! when??

I miss having just the one. I miss the laying in bed when DH leaves for work and it was just the 2 of us with nowhere to go. I miss not having to get up at any time and rush around to find no clean shirts anywhere as the ones I had sorted were used last night to play in...... Take me back 8 years please......

And please, enjoy this time with your new DC. I know it is easy to listen to people who 'mean well' but it won't help as much as they think. You need to do this on your own in your own way. You are doing a great job!

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