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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

11 day old baby

89 replies

dublinboat · 18/05/2016 10:36

Love my DM but she has some strong views on how to care for DCs. Always knew this would cause friction.

DD is 11 days old. DM phoned at 9.30am, I told her we were still cuddling in bed, she was Shock. Then she asked why I hadn't bathed DD already. And for about the millionth time this week asked what our "routine" is (answer: still no routine whatsoever!!)

Then she ended the conversation with "go on then, get up and dressed and take DD out for some fresh air".

I know I'm going to have to get used to this but feeling a bit down that she's clearly quite unimpressed. Please MNers, reassure me - I'm not a slovenly terrible mother am I??

OP posts:
AugustaFinkNottle · 18/05/2016 10:59

Turn off the phone and ignore her. I don't think it's anything to do with having had babies in the 80s - so did I, and we were all into Penelope Leach and demand feeding, co-sleeping and going with the flow. With DC1 I counted it as a major achievement if I was dressed before lunchtime till he was around 3 months old.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 18/05/2016 10:59

Routine Hmm hahaha.

Do what suits you and your baby!

grimbletart · 18/05/2016 11:00

This is not an age thing. This is a weird DM thing. I'm in my 70s and would not have the views your mum has. What's more nor would my own mother have had and she would be 111 were she still alive today! Grin

Batten down the hatches OP and enjoy your rest and baby snuggles while you can.

SanityAssassin · 18/05/2016 11:04

ooh you've taken me back - used to love the time in bed with DC1 after first morning feed (about 7) we would lie in bed nose to nose and snooze til 10 - bliss!

Twoseventhsaweasley · 18/05/2016 11:05

Definitely enjoy holding, cuddling and feeding your baby. Congratulations. I bet she is utterly gorgeous.

I could be wrong, but I seem to remember that you are not supposed to bath them too much when they are tiny as their skin is very delicate and you do not want to wash away the natural oils.

If your baby is fed and comfortable that is all that matters. Look after yourself too. You only gave birth 11 days ago. Your body needs time to rest and recover.

MatildaTheCat · 18/05/2016 11:07

Midwife here.

You are right. She is wrong.

Next time she calls just say you are too busy to talk as you are busy dusting the skirtings/ rinsing your coat hangers/ scrubbing the front step.

Enjoy your baby. Flowers

bookbuddy · 18/05/2016 11:07

This was my mum with my first. I stayed with my mum for 2 weeks when DD1 was born she would come in to the bedroom take dd bath, dress & feed her, "babies need to be up early and have a strict routine if you want them sleeping through the night"Shock. Once I went home she would regularly enquire whether was sticking to the routine (which I wasn't). She stopped asking in the end. Mums just like to think they are helping. I found the best tactic was to smile and nod in fact I still do it now Wink

crayfish · 18/05/2016 11:08

My DS is 10 months old and I'm still rarely up and dressed out by 9.30! You rest while you can and tell your mum to butt out.

Pseudo341 · 18/05/2016 11:09

My midwife informed me that in some countries it's standard that the new mother stays in bed with her baby establishing feeding for the first 6 weeks. Tell your mum you're trying that approach.

Congratulations on your baby.

InternalMonologue · 18/05/2016 11:10

You will never, ever, regret time spent just enjoying your newborn. It passes all too quickly.

Vickyyyy · 18/05/2016 11:12

I wish I had spent more time cuddling and just enjoying them when they were tiny tbh. They are only 2 and 3 now so still rather cuddly but I do regret being up and about by 9am every morning and such rather than just staying in with them for at least a few weeks. Life can wait. I tried too hard to carry on my 'normal' life so it didn't look to people like I was struggling or anything.

ppeatfruit · 18/05/2016 11:14

Good on ya Matilda the midwife You see dublinboat even a midwife thinks you're right and your DM is WRONG Grin.

Iam also in my 60s and there is NO WAY that we had to do all that stuff. (Though I'm a rebel and wouldn't have done all that crap anyway Grin )

Some people are just neurotic, she'll calm down hopefully, is she usually like that?

OnTique · 18/05/2016 11:19

Internalmonologue is quite right.

I seem to remember spending that early time in a state of extreme worry trying to do what everyone said was 'right' and ending up very frazzled and upset.

I wish I'd just told them all to push off and stopped worrying. Enjoy this time your way. There's no hurry and there's no need to please anyone but yourselves.

Congratulations and relax Flowers. First and only pressing job is to unplug the phone Wink

toolonglurking · 18/05/2016 11:21

My baby is almost 6 weeks old and I've only just managed to get up and dressed, and that's only because the health visitor is coming over! Enjoy it, and start practicing the 'smile and now's - the advice is never ending!

ceebie · 18/05/2016 11:21

I think you need a line here.

"I'm happy with my own approach" or "I'm happy with my parenting choice". Polite but firm. Don't defend WHY you are doing things your way, and don't discuss further - say the baby has done a poo and you have to change the nappy, if you need to get out of further discussion.

I think this is necessary because otherwise she isn't going to stop imposing her own parenting views, and it will gradually erode your confidence. You need to let her know that you have your own way of doing things, and the sooner you start getting this message across, the better

Pinkheart5915 · 18/05/2016 11:22

I don't think an 11 day old baby needs a routine, when I had ds last year the first few weeks all we did was cuddle and look at how adorable he was. You can never cuddle a baby too much!

At 8 months now he is in a nice routine.

The best advice I can give you is ignore other people that tell you what your baby needs ( routine, fresh air) you DD mum and you know what's best for your baby.

toolonglurking · 18/05/2016 11:22

Sorry, I meant 'smile and nod'

icklekid · 18/05/2016 11:22

My 'baby' is 22 months old and has never had a bath in the morning! Please don't ever feel bad for staying in bed. At 11 days after giving birth I was still in ridiculous amounts of pain and neither baby or I were in need of fresh air! Please enjoy all the cuddles and surround yourself with people who will support you rather than undermine you.

Julia2016 · 18/05/2016 11:24

For some reason when I had DD, I felt the need to get up and get on with life in the weeks after having her. If fingers crossed we are lucky to have another baby, I will be sitting in my pj's for as long as I bloody well like and to hell with everyone. Spend your time with your precious baby.

PregnantAndEngaged · 18/05/2016 11:24

Pffft, we didn't establish a routine until my son was 6 months old!!! 11 days old I was just about functioning whilst cuddling a squishy baby on the sofa watching dreadful TV until the early hours!

AngryPrincess · 18/05/2016 11:25

I would prefix most of your conversations with 'The Doctor says', e.g. The Doctor says I've to get as much rest as possible.
The Doctor says not to worry about a routine.
The Doctor says not to worry about fresh air until I'm up to it.
The Doctor says I should be on a high calorie diet and so on.

If she argues say, I'll ask the doctor about that next time I see him.

percythepenguin · 18/05/2016 11:27

When my Mum had us in the 80s she was kept in hospital for 5 days after the birth as that was the done thing then...i think your DM has forgotten what life with a newborn is like! I had similar from DH's gran after I had DS2, I'd had a third degree tear, done far too much in the first week and ended up in so much pain I could hardly walk or sit down and she suggested I'd feel better when 'I got out a bit' ffs!

BeaLola · 18/05/2016 11:27

I have never had a baby - my DS arrived at 4.5 years but even then I took time to snuggle and enjoy him - it goes so fast - now he is 8.5 - how did that happen ?

I say snuggle,cuddle,stare away and chill, rest and get to know one another. So what if you haven't got in the shower - cuddling a baby is a much better way to start the day.

I would either ignore the phone or if you do want to speak to her just fib and say you are unloading dishwasher whilst DC naps or something and carry on snuggling your precious one.

I must be an awful Mum as tonight after school run I am planning to run through spellings and tables for this week's test, do reading practice and then have curry with DS and then snuggle together on sofa watching a film before his bath and bedtime. I will enjoy every minute of US time.

Mega congrats on your baby. Sending you both a big hug

loulou0987 · 18/05/2016 11:31

Enjoy this wonderful time! Its the best!
DMs disapprove of anything they were told/told not to do.
Anything to with childcare changes every 20 years (put baby down on front/back/side etc)
Only you know what is best for you all and you're doing it wonderfully!

nomoreheroes · 18/05/2016 11:33

I beat myself up at the start when I had my DD for doing what you're doing and spent a couple of weeks refusing help (even from DH!) and trying to be supermum. Looking back, I was completely nuts and nearly gave myself a breakdown. Once DH went back to work I somehow got sense and relaxed (never enough though!) and the absolute best time of day was when baby and I had the house to ourselves and went to bed for our morning nap! Once DS came along I just assumed I was going to bed for a nap on the mornings that DD was in nursery - in fact, I kept her in nursery for the first 3 months of my maternity leave precisely so I could have those bonding cuddles with DS! I like routine and we did have a reasonably rigid one...eventually...11 days seems early to worry about, keep on cuddling!

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