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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To REALLY want a girl

97 replies

WalkingBlind · 18/05/2016 01:09

I am considering having another DC but I obsessively want a girl Blush Thing is there is no logical reason, I already have a DD and a DS Confused

In fact DD was far "worse", much more difficult than DS. It's obviously unreasonable to expect any gender for sure and I would love any child but I think I would be disappointed Blush I'm actually quite embarrassed about feeling this way because the past two times I haven't minded at all! I love both kids equally but find I have a stronger "protective" feeling towards DS like he's the only boy I could ever love.... Is that abnormal? (Prepares for harsh answers, ps I'm still hormonal from breast feeding which I didn't do with DD and I also had PND with DD)

I always find out the gender at like 16 weeks, do you think leaving it as a surprise til birth would make it easier or harder? Part of me thinks easier as once you see them you wouldn't care, part of me thinks harder because you've had no time to come to terms with it.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 18/05/2016 08:53

Having a disabled daughter I am finding these posts about healthy and not healthy very distasteful.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 18/05/2016 08:54

Well maybe not distasteful. Insensitive.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 18/05/2016 08:54

Having a girl is great. Even an "unhealthy " one

plimsolls · 18/05/2016 08:57

I'd never before considered that hoping for a healthy baby was insensitive to parents of disabled children. Thanks for drawing attention, it's good to know.

(I think I hadn't semantically connected disability with unhealthy).

IrishSea456 · 18/05/2016 08:58

Part of the reason I wanted a girl was I always pictured myself bringing up akick ass feminist

Me too. I grew up in a female only single parent household with a very negative impression of men, and now I have 2 to raise! I never imagined I'd never have a daughter and maybe it's U but I do feel sad about it.

The OP and others who already have DDs but want more over DSs doesn't help dispel the negative image of boys. Maybe I'm wrong but it often seems like boys are seen as "second prize" - there are gender threads every few weeks on here and they never seems to be about sadness over not having a boy.

ollieplimsoles · 18/05/2016 09:03

Mil was desperate to have boys, she grew up in a very female dominated household and she didn't like it.
I have other friends who only wanted boys too, but you do seem to see more gender disappointment threads linked to girls (or the lack of)

Catmuffin · 18/05/2016 09:05

I wondered the same as some other posters. You sound more bonded and positive about your son, so are you trying to get it right with a girl by having another one? If so i don't think you should proceed but instead concentrate on your relationship with your existing dd.

Rebecca2014 · 18/05/2016 09:08

Hmm you should work on the relationship you have with your daughter instead of wishing for another dd who you wish your have a closer emotional bond with.

Wonder if your daughter will be coming on here one day talking about how her mother favoured her siblings over her?

Original poster
WalkingBlind · 18/05/2016 09:37

Well I was prepared for harsh luckily, trying not to drip feed but obviously hadn't put enough info in Confused

To anyone concerned about me replacing my DD in a sense, she was my first, she is the absolute light of my life and I spend all day every day adoring her so I have no worries there Smile However I do accept that subconsciously I may want to "get it right" as in back then I wasn't very educated with kids (I'd never held one or babysit, etc, got a lot of things wrong). When I said she was worse I just meant for teething/being up all night and stuff. I could have another boy that would be that way.

DS is still a "baby" and I feel maybe the breastfeeding has something to do with the bond. However he is a rainbow baby after two awful miscarriages.

It also took 5 years to conceive DD then 3 years to conceive DS so I know the "I just want a baby how can you be upset about gender" feeling.... But no-one's feelings are invalid just because some are struggling.

I think my desire for a DD2 may be more because of my own very strong (twin-like) bond with my sister and never having a brother.

I 100% agree with everyone who said not to have another DC until I was prepared for both genders. Just wondered how unreasonable it was to have a specific gender desire when you have both anyway. Mainly because everyone has said "oh wow, one of each, you'll be done now then" Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
WalkingBlind · 18/05/2016 09:41

I always associated gender desires with someone who has a lot of one specific gender and it's not a feeling I've had before so it's quite confusing for me, i think that's what I was getting at

OP posts:
Original poster
WalkingBlind · 18/05/2016 09:51

I understand more when a person has 3 of one gender and wants the opposite gender for their final child. But you already have one of each!

I think views like that are exactly why I made this post, I kinda feel like what I want is totally invalid and selfish because I already have one of each Sad But then again why should my gender desire be less accepted than those with 3 boys/3 girls. I feel guilty for having these feelings because of the desires of those other mothers, but should I really?

In all honesty for another DC I'd probably have to start TTC years before expecting it to happen so I guess by the time i see two pink lines it won't even cross my mind anymore, but I am worried it won't go away hence mentioning when to discover gender before/after birth

OP posts:
corythatwas · 18/05/2016 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

corythatwas · 18/05/2016 10:00

Back to the OP, I don't think it's wrong to have any kind of thoughts as to what your child will be like- as long as you can deal with the actual reality of an actual child.

Obviously, only you can know how strong this is: is it just one of those weird hormonal things that happen when you are broody, or is it deeper?

It is very natural to see your future family in the light of your own childhood experience (I always thought I would have a family of boys because boys were what I knew and understood), but all that really matters is how you react when it turns out, for instance, that your two dd's do not have a special bond and rather resent the idea that they are expected to just because they both happen to have vaginas.

fuzzywuzzy · 18/05/2016 10:01

Oh OP, I don't think you are being selfish, so long as you're ok with having a boy instead of a DD. In your shoes I'd definitely find out the sex of the baby so you can prepare for it incase it's not the sex you're longing for.

After baby is born I find personally I'm so in love with the baby I would not swap them.

And I'm speaking as someone who has suffered five miscarriages (the latest utterly horrendous and needing medical assistance) and would give anything for a healthy live baby.

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable, these are your feelings and they're valid. Unless having a son would really cause upset I don't think expressing a preference is wrong in any way.

Original poster
WalkingBlind · 18/05/2016 10:15

that your two dd's do not have a special bond and rather resent the idea that they are expected to just because they both happen to have vaginas.

Honestly this is a really valid point, I genuinely hadn't considered that they might not be close and the realisation of that is definitely making me slightly less focused on having a girl. I think not being around boys growing up and never meeting any close brother/sisters has made me assume that brother/sisters aren't as close but I suppose that's totally wrong isn't it Blush

Thank you both (I'm so sorry for your losses fuzzy Flowers) I'm not sure if it's the hormones or something else, the desire certainly is strong in that I can only picture my family with another girl.... But if I was to have a boy he would be loved very much, I just can't see it and do think I would be a bit disappointed. The reason I'm not TTC is because if I had a DS2 I would never want them to feel like I felt that way about them (if it manifested subconsciously somehow, I'd never show those feelings intentionally)

Just to add I'm also wondering why "not healthy" = disabled, as I'm a disabled female but would only class myself or my kids as unhealthy if they had a serious illness. I don't think there's anything wrong with wishing for good health. Also this whole health debate came from a PP who commented on something I didn't even say ConfusedHmm

OP posts:
Stardust160 · 18/05/2016 10:28

I always wanted a girl and already had DS1, my second was DD and my final Pregnancy I had a DS2 .I would of liked a girl more so as I didn't have a sister and thought it would of been nice for DD. I'm pretty thankful I don't have two girls one seems enough for me! I don't understand your urge for a girl if you already have one, you say your DD was hard work and your pretty close to your DS. What is your relationship like with DD now?

Stardust160 · 18/05/2016 10:31

I want to add my two ds1 and DD are very close even with a 5 year age gap. My DH and SIL are very close but not as close with their younger sister

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 18/05/2016 10:32

OK so you think no one who says they hope it's healthy means they hope it isn't disabled Cory?

Will agree to differ there.

wigelspigels · 18/05/2016 10:41

I have one lovely DS, currently pregnant 37 weeks with DC2. I can't wait to find out to see what sex the baby is. I like not know until the birth date. It doesn't bother me which it is going to be. The only reason there is an inkling for a girl, is for my MIL, she still hunkers for a girl - she had 3 boys 40+years later she still looks at girls stuff, I think she must have a secret stash of pink clothes.

minipie · 18/05/2016 10:42

As regards sisters being close - afraid not always - actually I know as many sisters who are not close (and some who actively dislike each other) as sisters who are.

On the side point "as long as they're healthy" - of COURSE people mean "not disabled" when they say that. Who are we kidding. But I don't think that means they'd rather not have a child if it was going to be disabled, or that disabled children are "worth less". It just means they know the child's life, and theirs, will be easier if they are not disabled. I think it's a fair thing to wish for, and I don't personally think it's offensive.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 18/05/2016 10:46

No it's not unreasonable to have a preference as long as that is as far as it goes. However if it's to the point where you will be disappointed if you have a boy. Don't go in for another baby, because no one not even those top clinics can guarantee you a girl.

BillBrysonsBeard · 18/05/2016 10:46

Of course people hope their baby isn't disabled or unhealthy Confused If it is then we deal with it. But no-one hopes for it!

MrsJayy · 18/05/2016 10:46

The op didn't mention anything about healthy or not Fanjo was someone else the debate is of your making personally I wouldn't want my own disability for anybody especially my children it hurts daily people are not thinking of unhealthy baby as imperfect they don't want a baby to be in pain

MrsJayy · 18/05/2016 10:49

Anyway op you can't guarantee sisters will be close at all you had a few years between conception of the children you do have so by the time another girl came along their could be a big gap and the girls are worlds apart

AndNowItsSeven · 18/05/2016 10:51

Two of my DC are disabled they wish they weren't and so do I because of the pain it courses them. I doesn't mean I love them any differently to my non disabled DC.
And I would never have had an abortion for any can of disability/health reason.